Bat-Winged Boy
 
 [Most Recent Entries] [Calendar View] [Friends]

Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Bat-Winged Boy's LiveJournal:

    [ << Previous 20 ]
    Saturday, February 26th, 2005
    3:02 pm
    Renunciation?
    [info]petalederose and I hung out today but she made me really really want a glass of red wine.

    But I don't have any, nor can I afford any!

    Maybe I'll go couch-scraping.

    Current Mood: cheerful
    Current Music: Splashdown - Mayan Pilot
    9:26 am
    Psyched.
    Here we go!

    Cross your fingers for me.

    Current Mood: awake
    Current Music: Panzer Dragoon Orta soundtrack
    Friday, February 25th, 2005
    10:07 pm
    Subject line here
    Mad mood swings today - totally jazzed then tense and nervous. [info]dreadangel left town for Vashon Island today to go back to her old ancestral homeland and pick through her roots, so I'm hanging out here.

    I got some good work done today - faxed a resume+cover letter out in hopes I can reel in some freelance typing work. Very hopeful about my job interview (for a different job) tomorrow, too. I felt comfortable last time I went in for this job, but I had just been fired from The Little Cheeerful because they didn't know they were looking for someone with experience and it's a very, very, very tough kitchen back there. So now that I have had a job for quite some time, my criminal record is about to vanish, and I've worked the kinks out of my ability to show up at work on time, I feel pretty confident about this new situation.

    Then my money troubles can disappear and I can return to the Richard you all know and love... before something else surfaces.

    But yeah. If'n you want to hang out with me this weekend, I'm mostly going to be at work tomorrow after 5 PM and Sunday after 1 PM. Otherwise, I'll be spending a lot of time online and with my Xbox (the Other Jess lent me his copy of Dead or Alive Ultimate, and I'm determined to give it the chance it deserves).

    For once, I have no idea what to do. Maybe I'll clean my room.

    Current Mood: pensive
    Current Music: The Postal Service - Such Great Heights (John Tejada mix)
    Sunday, February 20th, 2005
    8:06 pm
    Ha ha joke's on me!
    GOOD: Having a whole mess of new music to play at Fetish Night!

    BAD: Having one hour to burn a CD with all the good tracks.

    GOOD: Having a brand-new CD burner to hook up to the laptop at home!

    BAD: Having the factory pack the wrong power cord!

    Haha!


    ...at least I got my CDs back. Last time I was working with about... six. ;)

    Current Mood: excited
    Current Music: Alien Sex Fiend - I Walk The Line
    Tuesday, February 15th, 2005
    10:01 am
    Ow ow my sleep schedule
    Last night I got about two or three hours of sleep due to getting home late from [info]fusion359's birthday barcrawl. Mucho fun, but no sleep. Not only that, but I totally blew out my voice trying to shout over the music at The Royal (because they turn the juke up so loud it's like a live show).

    Why didn't I get any sleep? Because I worked at 7 AM.

    Or I thought I did.

    I got out of my car this morning at the mall, totally sick and tired, so my boss makes a sardonic remark (the "haha, doesn't it suck to be here" kind, not the asshole "why aren't you happy to work at 7AM" kind): "Hey, aren't you a little early?"

    And I say, "Ha ha, yeah, I'm totally sick, too. I didn't know my friend was having a birthday party until last night around close."

    And he says, "No, I mean it's not this Tuesday you open. It's some Tuesday in March."

    And I say, "Aright, I'm going to go home and go back to bed."

    Problem is, once I've awoken I can never go back to sleep. So now I'm downloading music, checking LJ compulsively, and letting [info]dreadangel sleep off her hangover. ;)

    I'm sure it'll catch up to me right in the middle of German class tonight.
    Thursday, February 10th, 2005
    8:56 pm
    Money still sucks.
    Just so everyone knows not to worry (too much): I'm not screwed and I'm not fired. I'm (mostly) caught up on rent and I'm eating. I'm just finding it rather impossible to live within my means right now.

    Thanks so far to everyone who's commented on my last post. Also, special thanks to [info]koobifoora to the most recent reminder about the WWU job forums (the ones that, if I were smart, I would have remembered [info]dreadangel reminding me about every time I'm job hunting). I've got five email reminders in my box that I'll probably follow-up within the week.

    When I didn't spend any money on anything, I went absolutely stir crazy and I've been taking it out on myself and the people around me for months. And Addelle was doing the same thing - and we drove each other up the wall.

    Then, when Addelle got her financial aid, we thought, "HURRAY! CRISIS AVERTED!" And it was, until my extra burden on our bank account turned our "underspending" situation into an "overspending" situation.

    What I'm trying to say is that when I'm happy I leak money.

    Now, the way I should be thinking about my problem is that "I'm not happy right now unless I'm leaking money" - i.e. when I make myself feel like a capitalist pigdog I do fewer capitalist pigdog things (like overconsumption).

    But it's come to the point at which I don't even have a buck to give to the guy with the cardboard sign reading, "TRAVELER LOW ON FUNDS, HELP IF YA CAN." And that really hurts. I think what I need is balance - but I feel like without that the cup of coffee here and the bottle of wine there I won't even be able to keep my head on straight about charity, public service, or volunteering. Without my own mental health, how am I supposed to take care of others? I'll just be busy feeling like a big poo.

    I know, I know - it seems like a totally disgusting manner of thinking, consdering the state the rest of the world's in. But I also know I was raised American, and I have that addiction to booze and cigarettes just like everyone else. I just hope that once I can get myself on my own two feet, I'll be able to help other people get onto their feet as well.

    I think I just hate being poor enough that I have to feel selfish all the time.

    EDIT: I almost forgot the reason I made this post. If you ever use the "Email this job info to a friend" form, you get sent to a little link that says, "Thanks for telling your friend about this job. You're a great friend." That gave me a smile. I'm a great friend - even to myself!

    Current Mood: contemplative
    Current Music: faraway traffic sounds
    4:09 pm
    Money sucks.
    It's that time on your friendslist for the "who's hiring?" post.

    Anybody know any good sources of income right now? I'm looking for a source of income between one month and whenever. The cooler the job, the more likely I'd be willing to do it for a long time, of course - but right now I'm becoming reliant on BioLife as my second job so I'm pretty much willing to mow lawns at this point.
    Sunday, February 6th, 2005
    3:34 pm
    Super Bowl!
    Worse yet than my hangover this morning, I arrived at my parents' house to discover that this Super Bowl will be fought between the Eagles and the Patriots.

    It hadn't fully sunk in until G.H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton stepped onto the field so Michael Douglas could talk about the military achievements of Our Great Country.

    I couldn't tell whether to laugh or barf. Maybe barfing will come after I watch billions of dollars in disgusting TV ads.

    EDIT: I think I'm rooting for the Eagles on general principle. If the Patriots win the Super Bowl this year I think it will complete the dark ritual necessary to resurrect Mussolini.

    Current Mood: amused
    Current Music: blaring nationalism
    Saturday, February 5th, 2005
    12:50 am
    And now for the encore.
    Sorry about the post that made everyone worry about me. I'm actually pretty dandy.

    The other day I just had a bit of a freakout. You know those freakouts everyone has? I think I had one. Addelle put it best: "I think you're having a midlife crisis."

    To which I replied: "I know. I hope I'm getting it over with early, instead of getting started early and having to deal with these feelings until I'm fifty."

    So that's about it. When I was fourteen, I reveled in the attention I got from adults who thought I was twenty. And when I was seventeen, I reveled in the attention I got from adults who thought I was twenty-two.

    But I caught up, and now I'm just SOL and poor. ;P

    So what do you do when you're SOL and poor? You either do something about it... or you live in Bellingham and post about other peoples' lives. Of course, there are many in-betweens - but lately I've been seeing my situation in terms of "move or die."

    And since I'm poor and a college student, I feel like I'm dying. It doesn't help that other people around me seem to be having the same pains (you know who you are). And in a situation in which I want to explore myself spiritually, being sick and surrounding myself with sickness didn't seem like the best idea.

    So I did the smart thing: judged myself horribly for feeling so sick instead of changing my situation.

    (note: for readers with less taste for irony, switch the word "smart" above with "stupid")

    But that's rapidly changing. The situation's been awful because it seems like [info]dreadangel and I became horribly sick at the same time - not physically, but spiritually - and, therefore, were utterly incapable of taking care of one another. The good news is that since we seem to be getting better together, I can at least speak for myself in that you won't see such a desperate look on my face in a near future.

    The byproduct of this healing process is a purge of a lot of sick stuff in my life. Just the other day, Addelle and I looked around and said, "Holy shit - we live in a fucking sty. How did we not notice?" and we shrugged, and I started to clean the room. Just like that. And I think my social surroundings will be changing forthwith. It's not because of any sort of elitism; it's just that I feel like I need to shed my skin because I've long since worn it out.

    So if I'm acting a little strangely, it's because I've been reborn.

    Current Mood: giddy
    Current Music: Super Metroid, from the other room
    Thursday, February 3rd, 2005
    4:25 am
    Not feeling well.
    Not feeling well at all.

    I'll tell you a secret:

    I don't like myself very much.

    At least, not right now.

    To the point of clicking "Help" on my email window because... well... I think I might need some.

    Current Mood: uncomfortable
    Sunday, January 23rd, 2005
    11:51 pm
    At the expense of [info]pussinboots (and the rest of you who know what I'm talking about)
    So [info]dreadangel and I are playing Star Fox Adventures on our GameCube (you know, the game where you play a space fox and rescue a hot blue space fox in a bikini with your magic staff. also, talking dinosaurs). The best part about this game is that You, Fox McCloud, have to save the entire population of dinosaur planet ... talking dinosaurs.

    Here's the problem. You get down onto the planet and are talking to a bunch of ankylosauruses (sauri?) and they're asking you to do all this stuff for them. Like pick things up. Manipulate objects. Use switches and levers and stuff.

    ...do you follow me so far?

    And this isn't simple technology, you know. This is like permanently affixed technology which, without the magic staff (requiring opposable thumbs, duh), you could not traverse between villages, climb any of the multitude of ladders, or VISIT THE GROCERY STORE.

    Keep in mind, I just think the game's silly (albeit fun).

    But here's the choice piece of dialogue which occurred tonight:

    PTERODACTYL QUEEN: "Save us, Fox! Dinosaur Planet is in your hands!"
    ME: "Everything is in my hands. I'm the only entity on this planet who HAS hands."
    ADDELLE: "Except for the hot naked girl fox who you still have yet to save. How did they even set this planet up in the first place?"
    ME: "I can understand that the talking dinosaurs are totally furry and rad, but they don't stand up to my opposable thumbs."
    ADDELLE: "If they're furries without hands, though, how would they masturbate?"
    ME: "They just get blowjobs from cabbits."
    Friday, January 21st, 2005
    10:32 am
    Bad news!
    Don't call [info]dreadangel or me on our cell phone.

    'Cuz it's dead... maybe forever.

    If you really need to contact us, we are online and we check our email addresses - both of which can be found in our LiveJournal profiles.

    And, of course, there's always the Drop.

    As soon as this situation rectifies itself, we'll let everybody know.
    Sunday, January 16th, 2005
    9:29 pm
    Hmm. Spur-of-the-moment indecision.
    Thinking of Fetish Night when I realize that my CDs are locked in someone else's apartment. Someone else who's out of town, we discover upon calling.

    So I've just headed back to my parents' house to do a last-minute burn of most my good stuff. Of course, last time I did this I mislabeled two or three CDs and had a corresponding last-minute freakout.

    I just discovered that one track's already a tiny bit garbled. Here's to my luck making a comeback at the show.

    Current Mood: pensive
    Current Music: Project Pitchfork - Carnival (in my head)
    Friday, January 14th, 2005
    11:41 am
    Computer lab mischief
    In the future, we won't have chatter interrupting class-

    -we'll have students checking LiveJournal and email during roll call and lecture.

    Like now. ;)
    Thursday, January 13th, 2005
    6:17 pm
    AIM theater
    This arrived while I was out of the house.

    eriktown: /me wails
    eriktown: i want a mac mini
    eriktown: RIGHT NOW, RICHARD
    eriktown signed off at 4:59:43 PM.

    I think it's geek PMS.
    12:12 pm
    Heads up!
    Don't any of you forget, now: Fetish Night is THIS SUNDAY. And with all the college kids back in town, I think I can spin up something to remember. Rumor's Cabaret.
    Friday, December 31st, 2004
    8:47 pm
    Another reason Firefox kicks more ass than Internet Explorer:

    If Firefox crashes and burns, it doesn't take the rest of Windows down screaming with it.


    P.S. While I'm talking about Microsoft: did anybody ever find a spare XBox Live trial card they'd bum or trade to me? I really really really wanna check out the Ninja Gaiden patches but I don't want a year of Live.
    Thursday, December 30th, 2004
    9:06 am
    "New Year's" resolution I
    To love a beautiful thing is rational.
    To love all beautiful things is human.
    To realize all things are beautiful is divine.
    Sunday, December 26th, 2004
    3:46 am
    Also:
    In case you have just finished leaving some kind of serious comment in my last post, here is my other new icon.

    It's Benoit Mandelbrot cuddling a fluffy duckie.
    2:13 am
    The light's coming back.
    I'm not sure what to write here, but I need to reaffirm that I exist.

    I've had some very intense self-analysis lately. Remember those posts back in June in which I felt convinced that Fate had it out for me? It's not back, but in a way it is.

    Lately, I've felt a significant breakdown in my spiritual barriers. Now before you lunge for the little X in the corner of your window to shield your eyes from the new-age hippy bullshit, let me explain. I do a lot of perspective-taking - I mean, everybody does. It's part of judging our surroundings and our interactions. What feels strange to me is that I seem to spend more time in others' heads than I do my own. This has taken me some strange places... I think I finally realize that I haven't been "zoning out" over the past couple of weeks. It's like someone grabbed the tuning dial for the whitenoise in my head and gave it a spin.

    So now I'm in this space where I realize I want to make that headspace as pleasant as possible. I can't ignore the suffering in this world - that's why I'm going into education, after all - but I want to do more. The problem with this is that I'm a poor American, so I always schizophrenically feel like a fat bourgeois while scraping my floor for change. However, I also feel like I am in an environment (America) which endorses I spend my money on beer and video games. And I've cut down on the video games, so that means I must be drinking a lot of beer. And that upsets me because many of my friends barely have food to eat.

    In the meantime, we've got this war - and sure enough, it's poor people fighting poor people because they can't look around and see that they're standing in a field of dead guys just like them. It's a long-standing habit, the poor fighting the poor, and I see it in the world around me. And, of course, there's the same schizophrenia: I want to tell people around me, "Jesus, you're smart! Don't you realize who your real enemies are? It's not one another!" But at the same time, I realize that many people around me are tired, poor, lonely as well - how can I blame them for feeling bad?

    Last weekend my old friend Alex brought me to a Solstice ritual - a real one. I felt welcomed, loved, encouraged, and accepted by a pack of complete strangers. To me, as a person who often feels uncomfortable around conservitards (term stolen from [info]dreadangel and rabid liberals alike, the lack of tinfoil hats was a refreshing gulp of air (remember, I spent my teenage years with a group of Fake Wiccans, becoming one in the process. Like the author of the page says, there's nothing like realizing your own idiocy to spur you into sudden, upward growth. But this was a strange reconciliation - kickass ritual combined with mucho love. And the message was good: "We'll enter the darkest place we can find and meditate, then we'll revel as we re-enter the world as light returns."

    As I entered the very symbolic Dark Place (a cabin in the woods in Ferndale), someone whispered in my ear: "You are the light." I can still hear the words crisply in my mind, wondering whether new Freemasons feel the same way after hearing their own secrets.

    That burst of love and kindness (and insight) was just the jumpstart I needed to realize that this introspection/introversion/renewed hope isn't bad - it's awesome. Room cleaning, laundry, reading, and other such homework seems within my grasp now; but more importantly, it's time again to rework the world around me for my own sake. I am sick of being a wage-slave - and, more importantly, I am sick of feeling like a wage slave. And while I can't necessarily fix that situation now (though I sense a jobhunt in my near future - I hate working at the mall), there are things I can do to distance myself from that cloying negativity that's haunted me throughout the past year. That way, the next time I go through a strange emotional cycle I can do it without hurting those around me - or myself. It makes me uncomfortable when people can sense the desperate look in my eyes.

    I've cleaned my room a bit, and I think the lack of clutter has made me feel a lot better. I just did the same thing with my userinfo (just trimmed down a few interests). Additionally, I took out a few of my usericons and replaced them - you're seeing one attached to this post. I figured that I don't need to be vain enough for that many icons of my face any more. So now you get the Buddha facing off with a Blue Meanie.

    Guess who's gonna win?

    Current Mood: okay
    Current Music: silence
[ << Previous 20 ]
About LiveJournal.com