I Don't Want Your Hand This Time, I'll Save Myself. Maybe I'll Wake Up or Won't.

Subject:	The Best Parts of This Have Come and Gone. Now THAT Is All THIS Is.
Time:	7:32 am.
Mood:	fuck the world.

In the face of change, that's when he turned to me and said, "i'm not sure anymore..." and here, amidst the waves and the cloudless skies that blanket the year before, I watch my life wash ashore.

I'll get my boyfriend back in around 12-15 years. I hope he knows that each and every day I wake up to see Tank my heart will only break more. There are no sutures for this one.

What a crock of shit. I hate the fucking world.

update 1:02pm: Oh ok I get it, he's playing games with me. "I almost just didn't even call again..." Yeah, I told him I got his letter.... Chris. CHHHHHHRRRRRISSSS!!!!!!! wHY DON'T YOU LIKE ME? It is very possible that I am going to be linked to him for life. He asked if i've been to the doctor's, and it's hella hard to have to tell him no but fucking HEATHERWEIGHT just won't NOT flake on me. You can't mess around with someone in a situation like this, doesn't she understand that?

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Time:	8:52 pm.
Mood:	nervous.

So my house got raided and my boyfriend went to jail. What's new? All I keep hearing over and over in my head it fucking echoes... "Am I under arrest?" "No, not yet."

But see you me I'll fucking keep him from losing everything. And then I will tell him to make his choice.

I'm going to Trinity to spend a few days there with his cousin, Joel. He invited both of us but Chris would never leave this fucking place. He's welcomed to come but i'm not expecting it. I will probably be there by the time he gets out anyway.

Time to go visit... what a fucking life. Nothing happened in court today, nothing. Nunley's bail got revoked and Vinsick's was raised. He looked so pissed, and miserable. I couldnt let him see me weak, oh hell no. I held my head up high and walked away when he got close enough to mouth anything to me. I'm not interested in apologies or I love yous, I am interested in having my fucking boyfriend back. All of this stuff, ruined me. Ruined us. We had a good living arrangement and now we're both going to be homeless when he gets out.

What? Was I not good enough for you, King?

I'm in love with a psycho maniac. And i've taken over the business since he's gone....

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Time:	6:02 pm.
Mood:	morose.
Music:	LP & Jay-Z : 99 Problems.

I'm going to have to just suck it up and fucking deal with what i've put myself into because even if i could i wouldnt ask not to be in it. but why 24/7 money money money? Don't get me wrong I understand why and all, I just don't understand coming home, spending 2 hours winding down, and go right back out again? hes going to wear himself into nothing soon and it hurts to watch.

it sucks to admit but sometimes i just try to stay high and get away from all of it. i fucked myself over. everytime I stand up too fast i get dizzy and it seems i've developed 2nd stage emphazema.

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Subject:	You Can't Push A River, and You Can't Make Me Fall, but You Can Make Me Unreachable.
Time:	6:02 pm.
Mood:	devious.
Music:	Jay-Z : I Just Wanna Love You.

Jon told me that within the next month he and Mike are going down to Riverside which means i'm going also. I'm going to fucking try and scrape together each and every dollar I can so I will be able to just relax when we go. If not Riverside it will be somewhere. Somewhere away from this same area, you know? Chris offered to help me out and all of that... but it's like when he said that I totally felt like some charity case... and the thing is I don't ever feel like that when he gives me something or offers to or whatever because I do that to him also when i'm up and he's down. It's just the way we work. But theres no way I can just fucking let him put money into my bank account because i'm the loser that quit her job and completely pout her life back in halt/stuck mode.

If any of that makes sense. I don't know, i'm jjust so fucking tangled up in confusion about what I even want out of my life, or if I even care to try and be better.

I need to develop my pictures because I want to see the pictgures of my new tatt plus I need to give Joey a copy of them so he can add to his portfolio of work he's done.

Well i'm off like a prom dress I suppose. I need to work on my bikes, right now they're all just kind of scattered around my living room. Oh well.

Oh, I almost forgot. BAH, HUMBUG. I think everyone who enjoys this holiday should sit on a tar bar and twist until you choke. thats all. back to BIDDNISS

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Subject:	It's Almost As If I'm Tied to the Tracks, I'm Waiting for Him to Rescue Me.
Time:	5:35 pm.
Mood:	content.
Music:	Yellowcard : Breathing.

Well I quit my job. It's amazing how much I think I care but I must not since I could have avoided it all together. I have been sick for quite a while now. Gay. My stomach hurts. That's gay too. I've lost a lot of weight, also... but not in aany good way. My mom says it's just my hormones cause i'm getting older and maturing more. I think it's all a crock of shit.

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Subject:	Give it to Me, but Don't Bullshit Me.
Time:	2:38 pm.
Mood:	weird.
Music:	Jay-Z : I Just Wanna Love You.

"Hi. How are you? I'm not dead!"

hasha 200 cigarettes, aka 1 carton, aka 10 packs is the best movie ever.

Picture something like that only without crossbones and screaming. yeah. I want something like that on my other leg. And i'm going to get the word TROUBLE written on the back of my neck.

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Subject:	Have My Cries Fallen On Deaf Ears?
Time:	10:17 pm.
Mood:	lonely.

Tonight Trish, Brady, Keith, and I went to Boathouse sushi. It was good, as usual. After we went to Baskin Robbins for dessert, and I ran into Hugo. Actually Hugo ran into me, but that's ok. I told him to call me soon so we could hang out.

I have to work from 10 to 5 tomorrow. I hope i'm working with the cool people, and not Martin. Martin sucks.

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Subject:	I Like It Better When It Hurts.
Time:	8:58 am.
Mood:	cold.
Music:	Ashlee Simpson : LaLa.

Yesterday was my first day working until closing and it was CRAZY. ALso yesterday I bought some purple sticky icky... mmmm dude I can still take it. It reminds me of bio-dome. "and whats your little name?" "PURPLE STICKY PUNCH" hahaha

today is my day off, i should have slept in more.

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Subject:	"Are you guys finding everything alright?" "Excuse me." "I'M GOING TO BUY IT IS THAT OK WITH YOU?"
Time:	7:59 am.
Mood:	achey.
Music:	Usher ft. Alicia Keys : My Boo.

Sure is crap to be handed a sixty-six dollar pay check. It's ok because my next check should be for at least two hundred because I've worked seven days now and been paid for two of them. 7.25 an hour, 5 hours a day=7.25x5=36.25. 36.25 a day, 5 days (so far)=36.25x5=181.25 before taxes. I know i'm working tomorrow so 181.25+36.25=217.50 before taxes.

Anyway I think I get paid every two weeks so that would be like i dunno maybe 300? I could be way off but who cares I guess i'll find out right?

People tell me what I make is really not much but you know what? When you go from so broke all the time that you can't ever go out with your friends anywhere to actually bringing home SOMETHING in your pocket, and knowing that you earned it, dude that's enough for me.

I'm trying to find a picture online of the costume I finally picked out. I saw it and I knew right away I absolutely wanted to be it, and that's not something that happened with any other costume.

I'm going to buy one of those hats like in the picture, and I think maybe a mullet wig, with my mom's ugly ass sandals that actually kind of look like the guy's, only hers are black with two straps. Then i'll put a thick layer of sun tan lotion or whatever on my nose. I think it'll be rad. If I wait to buy it on Halloween and I wear it in the store, I get 50% off the whole thing. That's a day before the whole store turns to 50% off, on November 1st I believe. That's going to be fucking hectic.

Ok i'm done. Let me know if you have any ideas for my costume.

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Time:

10:01 am.

I had the most fucked up dream last night. Haha, get this. Last night I hung out with Jon, and as he was driving away he yelled out "Don't dream about Real World", so instead I dreamed of murder. I guess Matt (trisha's brother) like went into this room and killed this guy, but I helped get rid of the body. And Cheyne was there, I told him I was over him. He got sad. So later in the dream we're at like Sears or something, and the only guy working asks us to watch the store. So Anyways I go to Cheyne's front door and he answers and hes like "are you sure you're over everything?" and then he started kissing me, so I kissed him back. Then I woke up/

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