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[05 Jul 2005|08:37pm] |
Assuming that nearly 98% of the AIM population has at least one sn.. (minus the newbies who can barely IM with the one they have), what is the purpose of blocking? Because everyone knows you just glance at the other buddy list to see you've been blocked.
*sigh* It's beyond me.
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[30 Jun 2005|02:11pm] |
I love the rain..
I want to go out tonight. I want to see my friends. I want to be stupid. I want to flirt simply because I can. I want to laugh.
I think I'm going to call people now. Yes.. I think I shall. If anyone wants to do anything, call me.
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[29 Jun 2005|12:41pm] |
I'm waiting to hear from trinity any day now. I'm not sure they'll take me back..
It was a crazy year at wp. But at the same time, it was a huge growing year for me. I tested out different things, found out who I'm not. Screwed a lot of things up, but I'm human. I make mistakes. Earned some new great friendships, branched out to other people. but i dont know.
You're supposed to gain wisdom from experience.. but why do I feel even more confused?
I've noticed that I've lost a lot of ambition, desire for something better. My standards plummeted. I don't know if that was because of the family situation, if that was a loss of hope, or rather me trying to fit in with people who didn't care one way or the other. Trying to fit into a situation where I had no right to exist in the first place. But I've always been good at that. I can put myself in just about any other situation around me where I wasn't previously involved. Sometimes I feel like it could be a subconscious attempt to learn from their mistakes rather than having to learn it myself. As if I could experience it from all sides, hear all viewpoints, but not have to feel it. Contrarily however, i know that I don't work that way. I don't learn things the easy way. I don't take subtle hints. I test my limits.
Even when I try to do something and repeatedly get knocked down by it, I don't learn the lesson. Head vs heart.. classic example. I can stand before the well lit path that leads to something good. Planned out perfectly, comfortable.. comfortable because I know where it ends. But one excuse or another leads me down the unknown.
Maybe this one time.. something will change. Something will be different. I'll end up somewhere better. The trials and stresses will be worth it.
It will change, something will change. They will change.
But it doesn't, they don't. I do. and I know that few of those changes have brought much more than a fleeting laugh, a moment of joy. A feeling of being wanted.
I know whats happeneing around me. I understand why things are the way they are. I know why my mom drinks. I know why my dad wants nothing to do with me. I know why I can't go to trinity. I know why Jake hasn't called me back. I know why Jon seeks revenge.
and I have to accept it. Whether fault, fate, or God.. it is what it is. I'm running from things. i push away people I need. Avoid healthy relationships. avoid positive situations.
its sick. i'm sick.
and so I end this. half tempted to block comments, but I know i'll receive them either way. therefore. I'm done with my rant. haha
I apologize for the long emo entry. I really do. But its just whats going through my head right now.
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[28 Jun 2005|02:31pm] |
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Is anyone going to the Weezer concert Jul 19th at Hard Rock?
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[17 Jun 2005|08:55pm] |
My father pushed the limits today and now I'm so pissed off at him.
But as Maz said, am I really suprised?
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[17 Jun 2005|01:09pm] |
So I've given in to the pressures of conformity and myspace addictiveness, and decided to finally fix my myspace and not just use it for looking at others. However, I came to the picture part and realize that I have never used a picture of me (whether on lj or otherwise) simply because I don't have any pictures of myself on my computer. Honestly I don't. I find it rather sad..
I have lots of blackmail pictures of friends..but none of me.
*sigh*
oh well. I'm working on it. Pathetic I know.
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[13 Jun 2005|05:20pm] |
And so, Michael Jackson is found
Innocent.
Innocent of child molestation, innocent of serving alcohol to minors, innocent of all conspiracies to abduct children
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[08 Jun 2005|11:41am] |
Retreat week. Incredible. I honestly wish I could share every part of the experience, because I think it would change some part of everyones lives. It was amazing.
Minus the sulfer water mist "showers", overload of southern food, work projects aka picking up sticks, and bugs, it was so much fun.
So on Friday we went white water rafting on the Ocoee, cat 3 and 4 rapids, no big deal. Not only does our guide have a cast, but we found out he was testing to be a guide (so we had an experience one in our raft as well). Needless to say, he failed. He pinned us on a rock (which is hard to do) and we were vertical against it in the middle of a cat 4 rapid while 2 girls got thrown down onto the rocks and we broke oars trying to get the raft back in the water. It was sooo funny. But kind of dangerous. Oh well, we had our share of laughs.
Thats about it, so much happened. Love you all.
I'm busy for the next couple of weeks, babysitting, youth group stuff, and then i leave for the beach to babysit for a week which i'm kinda excited about, but I want to see you guys so call me
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[18 May 2005|03:40pm] |
Stolen from Jessica's lj, who stole it from Mr Width: "we fall in love with the emotionally unavaliable because deep down we feel that if we can make them love us we'll be truly lovable and worth something."
And while I hate the thought of it, literally passionately hate it, its true.
Moving on:
I'm just starting my project for drawing. I need things about trees. Pop culture icons, famous trees, etc etc..
For example: Adam and Eve, the Keebler tree, Dali's trees..
help me! I need ideas! Brainstorm, now!
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[13 May 2005|05:33pm] |
2 main things I need to address:
1- Every tues, thurs, and sat this summer i will be babysitting from 9-5. 2 infants and a toddler. I love them to death, don't get me wrong, but its a very long day and very draining. So if anyone at all wants to help me any of those days for a few hours (trust me, I'm extremely flexible) I'd really appreciate it. You'd earn money/community service for it and yeah.. Its more fun with someone there. Jac can attest to that. Gabes helping me a few days when he can.. but for the days when those 2 aren't there, is anyone interested?
2- So today was the last day for seniors at trinity. I hate that. I hate that I missed the last year and the celebration of some of my closest friends because of stupid WP.. I really want to see you guys before you go to college. That means all of you.. call me. I miss you guys enough already, I don't know whats going to happen when you leave me for college.
<3 you all
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[11 May 2005|09:31pm] |
Okay, fine. I give in. Now stop whining for an update. haha, I love you anyway. See? * love love love*
So anyways, hrrmm.
Wedding..
*insert witty comments about wedding without sounding to hurt and broken about it, and mention that I wore my converses with my dress.. *
moving on. My esophagus is like "Rawr, I hate you. Die now. DIE!!" So yes, I'm basically going to starve to death unless the doctors figure out what to do. They think I had an allergic reaction to some medicine I'm taking, which is fine and dandy, except that it prevents me of consuming anything without putting up a huge fight and hurting lots and lots. That includes water.. haha, its okay. On the brighter side, I'm losing weight. We're on 5 days now..And in a sick way, I find it amusingly ironic..
What else.. hm. I love Jac. How much? *stretches arms as far as possible x infinity* this much!
Boys stink, throw rocks at them.
Trinity update: Still waiting for someone to die.. *cough* I mean, be expelled.
I don't think there's much else. Things are just kinda happening as they wish, nothing exciting, just life.
OH! I learned how to sign "Uh oh, pseghetti O's" I'm amazing that way..
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[02 May 2005|05:24pm] |
While I'm sure my phone now smells good, I don't recommend putting it in the washer. It doesn't like to work after having a bath.
So, note that my phone is dead and has not/might not work for a while. If you've called, I'm sorry. Didn't get the message. Call my house
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[08 Apr 2005|03:21pm] |
I'm going to cry.
That's it. I'm protesting.
Read.
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[06 Apr 2005|08:53pm] |
EEEEE!!
Maz went to NY and got me a Wicked shirt, which I will wear tomorrow. <3 <3
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[05 Apr 2005|06:35pm] |
I'm trying. Really I am. It's just not working. Imagine that.
..haha
Anyways, I'm still pissed/depressed about how I know how someone will react, I know what they're going to say yet it still happens and hurts me. You'd think it wouldn't hurt if i knew it were coming.
Jake hasn't called me back. I'm actually kind of upset by it. I need to talk to him.
I need to talk to someone.. someone who cares. I seem to be lacking in that. Okay, maybe not lacking, but it seems that I got to certain people and it gets brushed off with "whatevers".
Side note: Everyone says that your friends should accept you for who you are, does that also apply to what you do/say and how you act? Because technically I'm in control of those things. But what if I don't know if they're my friend to begin with.. and isn't it ridiculous to want a person to care for you so badly, when you know that you're simply hurting yourself by allowing it to happen?
Moving on: Prom is the 16th, I'm very very excited. I need to get out. Plus, it'll make me feel pretty and loved and I really need that now. I'm still going through that "I need a bf NOW" stage. haha, oh well. While it is my fault, I have a right to miss it right?
I think thats it today. I'm somewhat reflective. And stressed, which makes me talk a lot.
It amazes me though. I know when something's wrong. I can visualize it. I can tell you exactly how it's hurting me, and how I could stop it, yet I don't do anything about it. It's almost like I'm paralyzed.
Happy thing: Maz is awesome and had me glowing after 2nd because he said something sweet and funny. Thats what kept me in a decent mood today. He deserves something special. I know that every one of you who know max will agree with me.
...Fhqwhgads
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[02 Apr 2005|06:42pm] |
My cell phone broke.
That means don't call it.
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[02 Apr 2005|10:03am] |
Relationships suck right now
But in other news, I will be going to Trinity's prom. haha Yay
I don't feel like really updating. Although, most my friendships are a little strained right now. That needs to be fixed.
Someone call me.. I miss you all.
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[06 Mar 2005|09:08am] |
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Tough Decision Day
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