| [ | Feeling |
| |  lonely | ] |
| [ | Listening to |
| | Bronski Beat - Smalltown Boy | ] | I'm pretty sure the Pill is fucking with me. Every time I feel like my emotions are balanced, I'll start crying for no fucking reason. I've been feeling out of kilter since I woke up. Felt just "off" all day until I had lunch with Eric (God, I love unagi!). But after work, I felt this general layer of melancholy wrapping itself loosely around my body.
I kept telling myself I was fine and did some laundry. Then I listened to Bronski Beat's "Smalltown Boy" for the first time. It's a great song and I love it to death, but it made me feel so miserable. I was/am still transfixed by this song. I can't stop listening to it. I probably had it loop about 11 times in a row then started thinking about the lyrics and began to cry. In my normal Jessica fashion, I took pictures of myself crying. I've started doing that lately and have no idea why I'm fascinated by how utterly unattractive, pitiable, yet real I look.
I cleaned myself up and Stacy came over and I felt ok, but after she left, I went back to feeling weirdly sad again. I did what I always do when I feel bad -- take pictures. Now, I've been crying on and off, feeling stupid and alone, listening to this song on repeat once more.
"Smalltown Boy" is about a guy who leaves home, because his parents can't deal with homosexuality. I'm obviously not a gay man having to deal with the rejection of my family (well, maybe this latter part), but listening to the song and its lyrics, it really hit me how different I feel sometimes. It's lonely. All those years ago, I wanted to be different, slightly on the outside. Funny, isn't it, that I got what I wanted and feel like I'm some strange creature people regard with a sideways glance, never quite meeting my eyes?
The holidays that loom ahead (there's one later today!) always make me feel sad. I'm not close to any family of mine. I love my brother, but I'm his older sister, so he doesn't feel like we can be buddies. I think maybe he resents being the middle child and me for leaving the house and having him to fend on his own with my psycho, abusive mother. Holidays are for being together with the ones you love and its a painful reminder that although I love my friends, it just didn't cut it sometimes. Tomorrow, I'm going to be elbow deep in turkey guts, mashing potatoes, and making stuffing and it won't mean a thing. I'll go through the motions of a Thanksgiving meal and it won't mean a fucking thing.
Christmas will be even worse. God, double suck is that I'm single this year.
( Smalltown Boy Lyrics ) |
blah
cold and warm