jenny's Journal

Time:

1:02 am.

i think it is so
that haiku will keep me good
i guess i'll find out.

(ps. she is cute :D)

Time:

11:01 am.

posted an entry
last night
when i was half asleep
that i really
really
oughn't have.

the jist of it is:

i need to stop using this livejournal.

(i don't know
how long that will last)

but yes.
as of now,
it is retired.

blow a kiss

Time:

12:07 am.

that she does not have time for me
and is not willing to make time for me
is something that still makes me impossibly sad.

i wrote her a letter today
in my art history class
about how awful she was to me
and how i do not need her in my life.

i do not know
how much of that is true.
but i never lie on purpose
only when i can't tell the difference
between what is real
and what is not.

i am avoiding talking to her
because she has nothing to say to me
and thinking about her
and her boyfriend
is something that still breaks my heart.

i am trying to live
pretending that i don't need her.
and i guess maybe i don't.
except that i do.

and my roommate is sleeping
and breathing steadily
and i think i could get lost in her
as easily as the ones before.

i think i just tend to get lost
and it has little to do with the person
herself
and everything to do with me.

and i do not know how i feel about that
i just know that i think
it has to change.

2 kisses caught| blow a kiss

Time:

3:50 pm.

we went to rocky horror last night.

i got very very drinked.
that is not, in itself, a bad thing.

however, i did tell liz that i have a crush on her.
she took it quite well, for a straight girl.
ack.

we left early because i felt sick.

i tried to make myself throw up but i could not.
i jammed my hand down my throat.
it seems that i have no gag reflex.
i don't know how i feel about that.

i got a suitcase yesterday.
an old suitcase.
i found it next to a trashcan.
i am i am.

it is easter today.
i am the only person in my house.

happy birdies.

blow a kiss

Time:

2:06 pm.

doing well.
that's all.

blow a kiss

Time:

10:07 pm.

people who say crushes are fun are liars.

crushes suck at life.

i am so stressed out it's unbelievable.

(i like her so much i like her i like her i like her so much)

i have an essay due last monday that i must write.
why is this so hard
(sheisswimmingthroughmyheadsheissocutesheissoniceilikehersomuch)

oh oh oh oh oh.
oh oh oh.

i am writing i am singing
i don't know how i feel about this.
stupid heart stupid mind stupid cunt.

i say.

blow a kiss

Time:

11:45 pm.

"when i look at you i squint
you are that beautiful"

i love her so much.
miss star came over last night.
(finally)

she is my life raft
sometimes.

i think it is curious, the way we get along.
which is very well
except when we don't.

but we did today and yesterday.
quite well.
which is not to say that there was no crying.
because there was some of that.
but mostly it was apologetic crying.

(i am sorry i am so sorry i am sorry)

we made fake hair.
(fake hair is luff)
i have new yarnhead and she has pretty dread falls.

we went to the playground at midnight.
we were a little toasty.
i love the idea of the moonlit twirly slide.
that is a poem begging to be written.

unfortunately i was drunk sleeping last night, so i did not get to converse with star in my sleep.
sleeping conversations are my favorite thing ever.
i think i'm the only one who experiences them.
i communicate with people while we're both asleep.
things are conveyed by body movements, which are interpreted by my dreaming mind into long involved and beautiful conversations.
it's the thing i look forward to most when i'm sharing my bed
(that and the doin it, but there hasn't been much doin it up in the hizzouse lately)
it only happens when i'm sleeping lightly.
usually right before i wake up, or in between snooze button hits.

maybe i'll get another chance to try soon.

maybe not.

i'm doing pretty well right now, either way.

i bought cookie dough tonight.
ain't nothing better than raw cookie dough and milk.
indeed.

&&&&&
marissa's going to help me go to the aib counselor sometime this week.
i am scared as hell
but i am trying
(i am trying i am trying i am trying)
(i am fixing it i am fixing it)
(i am doing the best i can)

blow a kiss

Time:

8:34 pm.

i was, once again, ditched.
for her boyfriend.
because he can give her things that i can not.

because, essentially, i am crazy.

my day was shit.
woke up at nine on star's couch.
(i'd gone over there because we had to talk. she invited people over til 2.30. we started talking when they left, but it was too late and too futile. when she started describing to me the reasons that pat is better is when i lost it. she makes me angrier than anyone else ever has. at least when amy broke up with she didn't pretend to still care. she put it out there that she was done. star tells me that she still loves me and that she's here for me, but never ever ever follows through on it)
i woke up angry from the night before.
she said she'd come over, and that she'd call me at six.
though i was pretty sure it wouldn't happen, i still hoped it would.
i didn't make plans because she was coming over.
i was happy that she was coming over.
i missed the 11.30 shuttle because i was at star's.
i caught the 12.30 shuttle and realized i'd left my registration packet at home.
i went back to cambridge.
i went back to boston.
i didn't get to my 12.20 class til 2.
we drew a skeleton in a dress in drawing class.
for four hours.
i told ian i have a crush on him.
he said "i know" and walked away.
star called me.
and ditched me for pat.
i was screaming in the vestibule of my school.
jackie was sitting next to me the whole time.
i want to break her, i hate her so much.
i'm not sure if that's true, the hating part.
i told her the things i promised myself i wouldn't.
it is not my place to tell her that.
and all i wanted to do was protect her.
but it seems that she doesn't care about my safety or my well being.
so why do i care so much about hers?

i don't understand why i still love her.
it's this irrational thing inside me that still craves her attention.
and i don't even know how much i like her anymore.
i really don't think she likes me.
it makes me queasy thinking about the entirety of it.
and i don't know what good will come of our relationship.

and still i just want to be able to talk to her and cry to her and be held by her.
because i feel safe when i'm with her.
and i am never safe anymore.
i am always afraid.

except when i'm cutting or running or drinking.
or with her.

and it's a temporary solution.
but what isn't?
truthfully, why is it better to make art to make yourself happy than to cut your flesh?
why is it better to sing than to run barefoot?
why is it better to go out with people than to drink alone?
and what is better than being with her?

she makes me hate myself.
she makes me feel bad about myself.
she makes me feel insufficient and wrong.
i can not do anything right, it seems.

and i am not as good as her new boyfriend who is better in pretty much every way than i ever was.
and she says i can not understand.
and that is true.
i will never forgive her for breaking up with me (because she didn't have time for a relationship) and having a new boyfriend within two weeks.
i will never stop being bitter.
she took herself away from me because of him.
and it far easier to hate him than to hate her and for a while i've just hated him and not her.
now i hate them both.
i hate how happy he makes her.
i hate that i was never able to make her happy.
and i hate that all the good times seem to have disappeared and that remains is crying and bitter fighing.
i hate that it is too inconvienient to come to cambridge but it is easier to go to foxboro to be with him.
she said she prefers going there because he has a bigger bed.
that is the biggest and worst lie i have ever heard in my life.

i miss talking to her while we're sleeping.
i miss weekends together in which there were no time constraints, weekends in which we had more hours than i could count streched ahead of us.
and more weekends after that.
i miss girlkisses.
i miss dancing like a bunny.
i miss being uninhibited.

i miss it when my bad times went away quickly.
i think she thinks they still do.
they don't anymore.
they linger terribly.
i've been miserable since last sunday.
i've been drinking and drinking and drinking.
i've been drunk every night this week because i wanted to forgeth how much i hurt.
but every time i've attemped to call her once i was trashed.

i'm going to drink now.
i have about six shots of vodka left.
six shots of vodka, no chasers, and an empty stomach.
(i haven't eaten since last night)
this will leave me slightly hung over and more miserable than i am now.
but maybe i'll forget for a few minutes.
maybe this time it will fix it.
maybe she'll call me and tell me she is sorry and she is wrong and i am wonderful and she still loves me and she wants to be with me again.
but i am not and she won't and i don't want that anyway.

i don't know what it is that i want.

i know that i do not want this.

blow a kiss

Time:

3:40 pm.

for nellie: (fake yarn hair)

& yes.
star did not call me last night.
i do not know what to make of this.
i am indeed quite upset about it.
i do not know what is going to happen to us.

& we got quite drunk last night.
& i think we are in trouble with our ra.
& i took adderall in addition to several cupfulls of vodka which was, perhaps, not the best idea.

drinking to drown my sorrows.
it's a sick practice, but it works well.
maybe.

i feel bad.
in many many ways.
i think i'm just off.
it's maybe the april snow.

2 kisses caught| blow a kiss

Time:

7:32 pm.

tami hart wrote drunken love song.
i like that song a lint.

star said she'd call me tonight but she hasn't yet.
i don't know if she will.
it is true that she often breaks promises.

i have been drinkinhdrinkingdrinking to forget the things thst hurt.
it worked maybe.
i'm not sure yet.

i am falkling over i should not do this when i'[m drunk
i always think [people whio write drunk entries are annoying,
i do not want to be one iof the m.

kissing.;

blow a kiss

Time:

12:49 pm.

am i done yet?
i'm still undecided.
this is probably not a thing i should speculate about here anyway.

yesterday night i threw my phone against the wall as hard as i could.
i opened my door and riya and marissa were sitting on the floor.
(they'd left my room when i first started shaking, when i still on the phone)
they asked me if i was okay and i think i kind of mumbled something.
i was rather frenzied.
i went outside barefoot and ran as far and as fast as i could.
i was screaming and crying and shaking.

i came home and sat on the porch, chain smoking and shaking and sobbing and terrified of what is inside me.
the hippie kids from across the street came over to say hi and i was not able to get out any words.

i came inside and sat in the hallway until i was sane enough to go into my room.
i apologized to riya.

it was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life.
i have never before been so angry.
i have never before felt so desperate and lost.
i have never before felt so alienated.
i can't understand this thing she does.
i can't understand.
and i am afraid of myself.

i do not think i have ever before felt hate that is as intense as love.
i felt that last night.
i do not know what this means.

blow a kiss

Time:

1:49 am.

i have nowhere to live next year
and i am so afraid
and they ditched me
and i am afraid and hurt

and i have been crying for hours because i do not know what to do and i am scared

and i hate this

and i don't know what to do

and i don't know why she did this to me

and i do not feel safe

and i have no one to go to
(brianna is too busy
cloie is too bitchy
star is always away with other people (she is always with her boyfriend)
my mother is asleep)
and all i want is a hug i want someone to hold me
i want to be safe
i want to be safe
i want to be safe again.

1 kiss caught| blow a kiss

Time:

9:20 pm.

i like books.
i have been making books.
it is cathartic.
i like the idea of hidden things.
that is what books are, a series of hidden things to discover.
i make extra hidden things, sewn in things and pockets and little tabs with song quotes.

and when i'm left at home
i'm all alone
but i'd rather be alone with you

my hair is pink again.
it is dark purple pink now.
i think it suits the way i feel.
not quite as bubblegum happy as usual.
i'm getting a little sick of cute & adorable.
maybe it's just because i'm premenstrual.

i don't remember.

i like fishies.

blow a kiss

Time:

1:29 am.

i like girls a lot.
i like boys too.

the girl i'm probably going to end up living with next year is so goddamn cute.
this could be an issue.

(i know how to make it better)
(sometimes)

i have far too many crushes.
but they're all just fun right now so it's okay.

i am listening to placebo.
it sounds like january.
(god i loved her i loved her so much)

i like drawing.
i am good at it.
i have become one of the kids who gets their drawings pointed out every class.
me & ian.
& everyone else gets all pissy.
it's true that ian spends a lot of time on his drawings & this is why.
but i do not do that... i've just become good at it.
i was afraid, when i first got to school, because many people were better than me.
i was afraid i didn't have what it takes to do the art school thing.
i don't doubt myself anymore.

(getbettergetbettergetbetter)
(remember)

blow a kiss

Time:

9:53 pm.

ian gave me skittles today.
& not like i asked him or anything.
he came up to me at the beginning of class and said
"jenny i have a present for you,"
and gave me skittles.
"because you're my girlfriend," he said.

:D

blow a kiss

Time:

11:40 pm.

i finished my zine.
it is pretty awful.
it is twelve pages of crap.
but it is done.
i made fifteen copies.

riya is burning a cd so she keeps playing songs for about twenty seconds before she changes them.
it's kind of cool.

i bought cloie arbor mist and ice cream cake for her birthday.
it was pretty ghetto.
it happens.

i went to massart today to see a show or something.
it was weird.
i was lugging my portfolio around.
that was annoying.

i like it because at all the openings at aib they have free alcohol and they don't card.
i also don't like that.
getting trashed at school kind of freaks me out.

i bought clove cigarettes today.
they are burny.

star was too busy with work & her boyfriend to see me today.
i think she is hesitant to mention him around me.
i'm not sure.
she has reason to be if she is, as i've made it clear that i don't want to hear it.
(i was going to type "i don't care," but obviously i do)

i am upset that i feel so hateful towards this boy i don't know.
for one, i don't know him.
for two, he makes her happy.
but at the same time, he's taken so much of her away from me.

one night at my house, she borrowed a notebook because she wanted to write.
i was flipping through the book today and come across the things she wrote about him.
in my english notebook.

i don't understand how she thinks that's okay.

obviously it upsets me that she dumped me because she didn't have time for a relationship and within a week she was interested in him.
obviously it upsets me that she's changing plans for him that she wouldn't touch for me.

&& plus, she stood me up for valentine's day to be with him.
(i don't think i'll ever forgive her for that)

&& that's all.

blow a kiss

Time:

4:00 pm.

took slides today.
i have a lot of work.
this is good.

attempted to clean today.
it didn't work out so well.
it rarely does.

i'm trying to put something together for beantown zinetown saturday.
i don't know if this is really going to happen.
i'm workingworkingworking though.

figure drawing is a good good class.
i wish i was still in it.

i got my registration packet for next semester.
i'm going to register even though i don't know if i'll actually be here.
the classes i'm taking if i stay are:
- drawing: structure & light
- painting: elements of color
- printmaking: intaglio I
- collage to construction
- introduction to photogrophy
- visual books I
he. the first three are required, the others are electives. i figure i'll take fun electives while i'm here, since my credits might not even transfer to massart anyway.

i do believe it's time for a little dance dance action. yes.

blow a kiss

Time:

9:41 pm.

we got an apartment today.

our own apartment.

our
own
apartment.

it is located at 11 queensbury street.

it is adorable.

we move in september 1.

my baby brinanna and i.

the whole thing happened in less than three hours.

the agent even drove us home to get my checkbook.

(i wrote out a check for one thousand three hundred dollars today.
that is sick.)

my apartment.
our apartment.

it has six windows.
it is bright.
it is on the fifth floor.
there is an elevator.
it has hardwood floors.
it has three closets.

it is adoratble.

it will be our home.

blow a kiss

Time:

10:24 pm.

i am debating my next move.

i could call her.
or i could wait for her to call me.
or i could sit around waiting for a call that won't come.

she has a girlfriend, yes.
but she told me to call her anyway.
(do i really want that situation again?)

i don't know how long i'm supposed to wait.
i don't think i'm supposed to think this over so much.

truthfully, she wasn't all that cute
and she wasn't a very good kisser
and she did not seem very smart.

but it is true that i am desperate
(desperate i am)
& it is true that will take what i can i can get
(as has been evidenced in my past relationships)
& it is true that i would be happy to have someone to hold again.
yes.

i think i will do what i can.
(she did, afterall, say that she'd like to play dance dance revolution with me)
(she also told me we could go into buisness together... but that is another story altogether)

blow a kiss

Time:

10:58 am.

newkissnewkissnewkiss

although i don't know if it counts, as she was not very receptive.

(she was cute but i am cuter)
(brinanna told me so)

i like the idea of clubkisses.
i like the idea of random girls being intrigued enough to want to kiss me.
i like the way girls dance together.

she was quite tall. i was wearing my three inch platform shoes and she still towered over me.

i gave her a cigarette.
she gave me her number.

"call me," she said
and i said i would
although i don't really know if i will.
she also said, "i have a girlfriend, but i don't..."
and the rest was drowned out in loud clubmusic.
and she said, "but call me"

i said we have to play dance dance revolution sometime.

maybe i'll call her.
or maybe she'll call me.
or maybe not.

either way, newkissnewkissnewkiss.

blow a kiss