~some little girl kissing your cheek~'s LiveJournal

Subject:	You must think i'm stupid.
Time:	4:24 pm.
Mood:	aggravated.
Music:	King of the hill theme song.

in my mind I keep thinking about a mike rilea strip tease. hot.. hot let me tell you. i have to go talk to the kid.

Talking to Robby on the phone last night I started crying. He knows what I'm talking about. There was only one other person who always knew what I was talking about. Well never mind.

Have you ever looked at people and thought about how fucking corrupt the whole world is? How some people can lie and lie and lie to whom ever they choose and it's okay with them. It doesn't phase them that maybe the person you lie to has been lied to one too many times and the next time may be the last time you will ever even talk to them. That even people that will forgive you time after time do have their breaking point. The world is so corrupt that best friends fuck their best friends significant others. That men that have babies at home (does any one even realize that babies are the most pure things in the world- we corrupt them) and a wife of five years (not too many years not too little) can go out and fuck girls that they don't give a shit about. Does any one realize the importance of bonds anymore? The bond of best friend to best friend. The bond of PARENT (not just mother) to child. The bond of lovers. The bond of marriage. Why do we allow ourselves to hurt other people intentionally? What does that say about human kind? It makes me think that you can't trust anyone. That the person that is supposed to have a bond with you, your best friend, boyfriend, sometimes even your own family can fuck you over in a second with no feeling whatsoever that it may kill you. How can we be like this?

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Subject:	sun, pills, and pot.
Time:	3:26 pm.
Mood:	good.
Music:	Vanessa Carlton- 1000 miles (or something like that).

I got back from vacation yesterday and I am burnt as shit on my front side. Someone remind me the next time I get out in the sun just why I don't get out in the sun. I haven't smoked in about a week and it feels pretty good. I mean I still want to but then I sort of don't. I wasn't around michael for about 5 days while I was on vacation which made it a lot easier because we are always smoking together. I slept all day yesterday except for when I had to get up and go to the therapist. She says that I am very depressed and I need to get on medication for it. I haven't doubted for a second that I'm depressed I just don't know what to do about it other than pills and I don't want to do that because of how they fucked mom up even worse. Well whatever. Anyway...I need to go to work so bye.
love,B

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Subject:	"Hi! Cram it!"
Time:	11:48 pm.
Mood:	tired.
Music:	System of a down- spiders.

I'm going to memphis tomorrow night. I will be gone till next monday. have fun without me and my updates (ha).

Robby and I spent the whole afternoon together. We went to the Haywood mall to go to hottopic. He got three pairs of pants and three shirts. I got a pair of pants and the cutest fucking sticker ever that has a cute bunny smiling on it- it says "i hate you so bad". I put it on my car before we left the parking lot. Robby and me had so much fun together today. It didn't feel akward either. It felt really comfortable.

Well anyway tomorrow is the last day of school and Christy and Mike are graduating. I will miss them so much. It feels like my life is moving too fast for me to comprehend. It bothers me because I feel like everyone is slipping through my fingers. That I have taken them for granted this whole time and now all my friends are moving on to different parts of their lives that don't include me.

I need to go.. I am so tired...

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Subject:	yeah
Time:	11:43 pm.
Mood:	bitchy.
Music:	My Ruin- Beauty Fiend.

Okay. Now is my time to bitch. I just have to say a couple of things. First of all, I like Robby and I'm not going to cheat on him. I don't go out with people I just have sex with them. So how can anyone know that I'm not going to be faithful to one person? Is it so hard to believe that I may have found one person I actually like?? Someone that I don't have to cheat on because they make me happy enough to be with just them. Like I said no one has ever seen me be in a relationship so how the hell do you know what I'm going to act like in one? Second of all, fuck all of you. Well most of you. I've been through this before but this time I'm serious. This is some major bullshit. I get called a whore and a slut because I sleep with various different people but once I find someone I like and I decide to settle down I still get called shit. Would someone please make up their mind? First it wasn't okay with me to have sex with people when I was never going out with them and now it's not okay for me to be with someone. Major bs if I ever heard it. If you are one of those people maybe you need to look inside yourself and see exactly why you hate me so much. Is it because I sleep around or is it because I'm not sleeping around anymore and I'm going out with your best friend or some guy you talk to everyday or some guy that I'm supposedly "taking away from you"? Which one is it? It can't be both. I just want you to know that yeah i've done horrible stuff before but when you think other people can change maybe you should think i can change. And lastly, people are shit. People that talk about you are shit. People who are supposed to be your friend or someone that is just neutral, and still talk about you, are complete shit. At least when I'm pissed at someone I can tell them so and I don't have to go around telling other people what I think of them and how much I hate them and what a horrible person they are. I never did it to you. Whatever I said to you is what I meant and I never said anything different. So fuck you. Go fucking cry a river for all I care. Be sad all you want. Or be happy. Just remember what ever happens to you I don't give a shit.
So enough of my bitching...

My Ruin and Kittie are playing at Ground Zero April 29th.. Christy just told me. I'm so happy I have to go. If I don't I'll flip out. I've been listening to My Ruin for the last few days and I want to go so bad.... ahhhhhh!!!!
Well anyway I need to go finish homework. Nite nite.

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Subject:	Witches they ride on broomsticks you know...
Time:	3:04 am.
Mood:	sleepy.
Music:	Switchblade Symphony- Wicked.

Okay... shit i get on here so late.. i have found my new thing to do.. i'm not going to say what it is lets see if anyone will notice..... it's not a bad thing. It's just something to help me feel better. Like when I get my piercings or cut all my hair off or dye it. But this time I think it will be more of a dramatic change. And I don't really think many people will see it because we only have a month left in school and I won't be back next year. So whatever.. it will make me happy.

I thought i was so cute today because I called into work and then Brandy came by on her break to make sure I was okay and then Craig came by too on his break to see if I was okay and told me he just had to check up on me. I love that kid. What's funny is how I was so mad at him for a while there. But he is my favorite person to talk to at work because really i've been through a lot of stuff with him whether it seems like it or not. He actually listens to me talk and we don't always talk about drugs and I actually care that things are going good with him and Shannon. He's probably one of my good friends.

I hope Mike is having his party this weekend. I would really like to go. I like parties at Mikey's house.
Nite nite.

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Subject:	4 am
Time:	5:09 pm.
Mood:	drained.
Music:	Our lady peace- 4am.

If I don't make it known that
I've loved you all along
just like the sunny days that
we ignore because
we're all dumb & jaded
and I hope to God I figure out
what's wrong

I walked around my room
not thinking
just sinking in this box
I blame myself for being too much
like somebody else
I never thought I would just
bend this way

I had to go to the hospital last night because I had really bad chest pains and my stomach was killing me. It was the worst pain i have ever felt. Robby was here with me and I was really glad. I was throwing up every where. The only reason I got mom up to take me to the hospital was because the last few mornings I wake up my hand has been shaking so bad I can't hold anything... i didn't know if that was related to this or not but I just got really scared. They said it was abdominal pain caused by eating too much at one time, eating to quick, and eating greasy spicy foods. Okay yeah it sounds stupid but it was the worst thing i've ever felt so i was really worried. Well anyway they gave me some pain killing liquid and it made me really tired... too tired to take robby home and my mom just asked if he wanted to stay over last night. He and I are going out now. He asked me out last night. So i think Robby will be good for me. He's trying to get me to quit smoking cigarrettes which i want to do.. and being with him just makes me feel better. I like him and I'm glad we are together right now. The only thing is, last night I told him I can't promise that I won't hurt him. It's not like I would do it on purpose but I might just end up changing my mind on down the road. I'm not too worried about it right now because I really do like him. I'm waiting to see what Ashley is going to do because she "likes" him now. Yeah after 5 months she likes him... after he decides that he likes me, she likes him. God, she is so stupid. Well anyway... i'm going to go I'm getting tired again.

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Subject:	Strength in numbers
Time:	1:41 pm.
Mood:	accomplished.
Music:	Primer 55- the whole damn cd.

I woke up at 10 this morning because I had stuff to do. I mowed the lawn (very exciting because all I did was listen to Primer 55 and mow grass for about 2 hours. I didn't eat before I went out there this morning so I was about to pass out from the lack of energy. And then I felt really dirty. But I feel better now because i've taken a shower i've eaten and Robby called and he and I are hanging out later after his mom takes Ian home. I feel good today.. I'm just a little tired but maybe i can get a nap before Robby calls me back. Anyway...i 'm gonna go....

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Time:	11:46 pm.
Mood:	indescribable.
Music:	Incubus- #9.

yeah.. Ashley is really fucking cool.... she came by my house earlier while Robbie was here and when he went out side with her for a second she didn't say anything to him but that if he fucks me she's kicking his ass. Yeah real cool.. I didn't have sex with him... I didn't try I wasn't really caring to. Fuck her. I like Robbie and this is bullshit. Having to worry about what Ashley is going to say because he and I are hanging out. It's stupid and I really resent the fact she said that.

Everything feels so weird today.. like I don't know what to say to anybody and that something is just out of wack and out of place. Something is missing.

I want to talk to Robbie. I don't know why i like him so much..

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Time:

10:28 pm.

I have too much too say but not enough ways to say it.
Craig came over when he got off work because I wanted to talk to him for a while. Shannon came in tonight to talk to him and she's pretty cute. I can understand why he would like her. I don't have anything against her at all but I think he thinks I do. Anyway...
Robby called wondering why I wasn't at school today... he's so cute. I like him too much. And I think he doesn't even realize exactly how much even though I told him how much. We are supposed to hang out Saturday and go to Asheville. I like hanging out with him.
I yelled at Michael yesterday. And then I yelled at him some more but nothing at all was accomplished. I miss how i used to talk to him. and now i feel all shitty. Michael just does something to me. Like how I couldn't get up this morning because of how I felt it's like i have been weighed down all day. I'm not exactly sad

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Time:	11:15 pm.
Mood:	indescribable.
Music:	Puddle of Mud- Control.

shit i can't think man... i'm so out of it today. I went over to mike's yesterday and we drank and I had a kaladapin and drank and smoked and drank. and I did some fucked up shit last night. weird... anyway.. and i'm fucked up right now too because I went over to dennis's and he was having a party and they were Robotripping and smoking and I smoked a little. Sam Case's boyfriend is hot as hell and he's living with Dennis now.

worked sucked. I went in for about three hours because i called in but told stacey that if I felt better I would come in later. I came in around 5. Craig was supposed to work today and he didn't show up and he didn't call so I'm sort of worried about him because last night he took like 6 kaladapins and he was really fucking out of it. I just hope he is okay.

I found someone to go to the ani concert with me if i can just get the tickets now. Kick ass!

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Subject:	I love imogen heap
Time:	12:27 am.

whatever

you, you come to me
so perfectly yeah
so perfectly made

and yeah all that you are
and yeah all that you said
youre so exquisitely bred
mm yeah what more can i say

so yeah, yeah
i guess its alright
yeah, no
i guess its alright whatever
yeah no
i guess its alright
yeah no
i guess its alright whatever

and i, i hate ya for
for letting me fall for you
just like a fool

and now im all psyching out
mm cos all were about
is this ugly phone and its all i have
to look forward to, yeah.

dreaming, of you lyin in my bed
just like how we were just days before
oh just leave me just get out of my head
cos i cant take this torture any more

youre so far away, yeah
why are you so far away
from me.
useless

i am a mirror, with no reflection
i am a razor, without my blade
i am the daylight, when the moon shines no
who will want to make my sandcastle thats already made

i feel so useless, do you

speak to an ear deaf to my voice
look through your fear, still blind to my way
i reach to hold you, but i dont feel you there, do you
even realise im here am i just wasting away?
no wasting away
living, inside you play

my dying prayer, sealed in a scream
unwelcome, and a concious dream
i am your whore, without a name
i climb to fall, to begin again, to begin again
i climb to fall, suffer, hatred, deceit and pain
anger, regret, loving in vain

i am an arrow, with no direction
my life your tarot, my picture your fate
im your becoming, so ill always be nothing
if i ever break away from you that day forth, youll be living
my hate
oh god help his fate
ill watch you, watch you suffocate

sleep

how can it feel so nice?
why does it feel so right?
i think ive been somewhere special
i want to go back there

sleep
i think i will
go back to sleep

oh its so cold and shivery outside my cocoon
now im on my way

sleep
oh sleep
sleep

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Time:	11:27 pm.
Mood:	drained.
Music:	Imogen Heap- Come here boy.

I WAS supposed to hang out with Michael tonight but what do you know, the plan fell through. Who would have thought it? Fuck it! whatever. I have other people I can be hanging out with. I act like Michael is my whole life sometimes and really he is but I'm not going to let it be like that anymore. When he decides that he really does want to come see me at work when he tells me he's going to or he really will call me when he says he's going to or he really will hang out with me when he says he's going to then I'll be his friend but until then... i'll just be the girl that he's thrown to the side that gets to wait until he breaks up with his new girlfriend to actually get "quality bestfriend time".

I think the only way I can get through work some days is because I'm working with one of the guys. Craig or Sean or Daniel. Cuz today I was working with Craig and Daniel. And then they sent craig home an hour early because we were so slow and then they took Daniel away from me for about an hour and a half just to show him the "basic" duties of a bagger so he can bag only when they need an extra one. And when I was standing there by myself I got so sad and so annoyed and bored. But then they brought Daniel back and I got happy again. He walked me to my car tonight after work and I gave him a hug. God, I love hugs... and I love boys (specially boys I work with).

I'm straight today. For the first day in about two or three weeks. No beer, no weed, no sex. I am completely straight. (However it's not like I didn't try for the last one tonight.) What's funny though is that I was trying for it and I didn't even really want it. Why do I do that to myself sometimes? Anyway.. I know why I do it... it's just a matter of making myself feel differently.

Fuck.. I'm going to go... I'm just feeling all blah right now and I don't like it.

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Time:	6:59 pm.
Mood:	busy.
Music:	Jonatha Brooke- Landmine.

Robby is so adorable. We actually had a REAL conversation this afternoon when we went to the mall. He was talking to me about Ashley and how he still really likes her and how bad he feels for ditching Ian all the time. I want to start hanging out with Robby a lot more. He's just so damn cute.
I have actually put forth and effort to do homework and school work today. I told Daniell that I had to have something to do during first period because I finished all my homework last night. She told me to just enjoy it. Well I can't enjoy it. If I don't have something to keep my mind occupied then I start thinking about things that make me depressed and angry. So I would just rather be busy all the time. Sounds like a good plan huh?
Well i still have more homework I need to do so I am going to go do that. Two days in a row wow!

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