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| Sunday, August 8th, 2004 | | 11:37 pm |
The source of my confusion
Confusion does not completely stem from what the other person says or does. It also comes from inside. There are things I want, things I need, things I can have...and things I don't want or need or can't have. Sometimes these things contradict. There are things that I need and can't have, or can have but don't want. With her, it's never been a matter of not wanting. But there are things that I _don't_ need in my life right now, or more specifically, need to stay away from. In particular, it's the confusion that _does_ stem from the other person, i.e. her, that I can't cope with anymore. (At the same time, I admit, I still wallow in said confusion now and then by trying to piece together the mystery of our past...and always failing.)
So the problem is that what I want brings with it something that I don't need. Besides which, when it comes down to it, what I really want is something I can't have, because she doesn't want it. I know the elements--my wants, my needs--but I just don't know what to do about it because of these contradictions. That's what I'm internally confused about.
I find it ironic that she herself now claims confusion. I've always considered myself to be an open book, especially with all I've written in these digital pages, whereas she is careful to say nothing even when she does post to her LJ. Hence the external confusion on my part.
It was a year ago that I realized that I knew nothing for certain when it came to her, that I lost all trust in what I'd thought I'd known. It was this--aside from the great pain she caused me at the time--that led me to cut off communications with her. The proscription was on my part: I had to stay away from her, to not seek her out, for the sake of what little sanity I had left.
I don't know if things could be any different from what they now are. I've wondered in the past whether or not it was all over and done. (I once did a Tarot reading, and it said "no".) Strangely, she mentions a "fear of finality". That's a fear that I've indeed had, though I know that finality is something that I should desire, in order to finally move on.
I hold on to the confusion instead. | | 8:28 pm |
Car update
No, my car still isn't fixed. But I'll still be taking it up in the mountains for Dragonfest. At least I've got a better set of bungees over the trunk to keep it from opening and slamming shut as I drive.
Midweek, I took the car to the first place I'd called, the nearest autobody place, within walking distance. A guy there inspected the car both for the insurance company, and in order to make me an estimate on repairs. The damage was a bit more severe than he'd anticipated, with some minor buckling evident inside the trunk. (This would be the reason that the trunk and lid are misaligned and I cannot currently close it.) Because of this, he couldn't do anything to help me get it closed as he'd said he might. He also warned that, with the trunk not shutting properly, I might get some sort of backdraft that would suck carbon monoxide through the trunk and into the car proper. Oh well. If I have problems getting a night's sleep, I'll go sleep in the running car then.
A couple days later, I was emailed my estimate. It would take ~$3000 and 9-10 days to fix the car. Now, I only have to pay the deductible--$250--and I'm supposed to get that back after my insurance company goes after the young woman's insurance company. Still, 9-10 days is a long time to be without a car. I'm just thankful that I live so close to work, a grocery store, and several restaurants.
Meanwhile, because of the accident, I didn't have new brake pads put on the car last weekend. Friday, let out from work early (due to moving our computers to the new building), I took the car in to Sears. Last year, I'd had Sears check my car's brakes, and they'd told me that I still had another year's left of wear on them. This time, they claimed that not only were the pads dangerously worn, but I'd also need to replace the rotors and calipers, costing me perhaps as much as $1000. So for the second year in a row, but for the exact opposite reason, I left Sears without getting my brake pads changed. Instead, I went to Firestone the next day. Not only did they not tell me that I had to have more work done, but they only replaced the front pads, saying that I still had 60% of my pads left on the rear. Cost me under $100.
Finally: Friday night I'd started worrying about scheduling the repair job. Frankly, I wasn't sure when I'd be able to take it in, as there were things that I wanted to do and I didn't want to give up on those things just because my car was damaged. (Faith and the Muse are apparently coming to town in about two weeks. If I took my car in after Dragonfest but before that show, it'd still be in shop, I wouldn't have a way of getting into Denver and I'd miss the show. Not long after that, my folks are coming into town and I'm to show them around. Plus there's other stuff.) So when someone from the body shop called Saturday inquiring as to when I would be bringing the car in, I told him that I wasn't sure. Then I was surprised: the guy said that the body shop could rent me a car for a couple days if I needed it. He'd make the arrangements with the guy I'd talked to about the estimate.
Overall, things aren't really looking up, but at least they're not looking any further down.... | | Friday, August 6th, 2004 | | 10:38 am |
Arr! Do you take this woman....
Some joking at work has led me to the perfect business idea: Get Married by a Pirate! I'm sure couples would line up to take their vows before a pirate, captain of his own ship.... | | Thursday, August 5th, 2004 | | 8:15 pm |
Amaretto Sour recipes
Anybody know a good recipe for Amaretto Sours? I'm looking online, but there seem to be quite a few variations on the ratio between amaretto and sour mix. (Not to mention if one simply uses lemon juice instead of sweet and sour mix.) I'm looking for something I can judge roughly, so that I can mix it in the woods. (I'm figuring out the alcohol I want to take along for the camping trip. The drink in question was the first I ever truly got drunk on, and that was a camping trip too.) | | 12:10 pm |
| | Wednesday, August 4th, 2004 | | 11:32 pm |
Driving an SUV illegal? I'm in love with this article. In it, the author points out that many roads in the U.S., including most residential streets in some cities in California, prohibit passage by vehicles that weigh over 6,000 pounds. Many, if not most, of the larger SUVs exceed this limit. The Hummer 2 exceeds it by nearly 50%! Now, apparently this rule is usually thought only to apply to commercial vehicles. However, the reason for the law in the first place is that these weighty vehicles tear up the road more than more reasonably-sized cars. Also, many people who buy SUVs get tax breaks by claiming that the SUV is for business purposes. As might be expected, though, nobody seems to know or care about these law violations. Hmm, I wonder if there are any streets around here that fall under the weight rule. Might be fun to sit on the street corner and record infractions to send to the police.... | | 11:16 pm |
I am Lord Voldemort Well, no I'm not. Apparently Ralph Fiennes is, according to the Leaky Cauldron. Also, Miranda Richardson is Rita Skeeter in the next Potter movie, Goblet of Fire. | | Tuesday, August 3rd, 2004 | | 8:54 pm |
Lost in Confusion Well I guess that my dream about her death was not prescient after all, which is good. Though I'm too confused at the moment to appreciate that she does indeed still live. According to her latest post (the first after 2 1/2 months)...she visited nearby Boulder sometime during the Summer. Now I presume that this was to finish the tattoo she'd had started on her lower back when she last visited me, just about a year ago now. I presume this because in an earlier post she'd mentioned needing to come out here in order to do just that. What I didn't and still don't understand is why she'd have to come out here for that. Surely an artist back in STL could have done the job. Perhaps it was to have the same artist finish it off, but I have no idea if that artist still works at the tattoo shop we visited, and it seems an awful lot of trouble to go to, driving all that distance, just to get a tattoo finished. (Especially when one doesn't tend to have money.) So why did she come out this way? Whatever the reason, it wasn't to visit me. Though I've often had daydreams in which there'd be a knock on the door, I'd open it, and she'd be standing there on the threshold, this did not happen in reality. It's strange to thing that she was here, so near, and yet more distant from me than ever.... | | 7:40 pm |
| | Monday, August 2nd, 2004 | | 9:39 pm |
The car situation
This morning I called an autobody place that was recommended by my insurance provider and that was nearby (i.e. in walking distance, so that I might walk to work after dropping the car off). I was told that they wouldn't be able even to start on the car until next week. So I got a couple more recommendations from the insurance company, and made a couple more calls. The second place I reached said basically the same thing as the first. The third said...well, they didn't say that they definitely couldn't squeeze me in. So I stopped by that place on my way to work, hoping that they'd be able to take my car and that I'd have to call my workplace to have someone come and fetch me.
It didn't work out that way though. The guy took a look at the damage, and declared that it couldn't be fixed by the end of the week. He also said that anybody who could do it in that brief interval would likely do a sloppy job, it wouldn't be a good fix. I knew that it was possible he was simply blowing smoke up my ass so that I wouldn't go somewhere else. But I also figured that he was probably right. (I called my dad later in the day, and he thought same.)
So I'm postponing getting the car fixed for two weeks, until after my trip. The main problem with this is not having a trunk that will close and lock. I'm trying to figure out a system of bungee cords to keep the trunk from bobbing along too much as I drive, and hopefully it'll keep the bears out (if any come by the campground). I'll prolly see about swinging by the first autobody place sometime this week, ask 'em to inspect the damage for the insurance company, give me an estimate, and give them a chance to make sure they've got any parts in when it's time to work on the car.
I wish my car was fixed already.... | | Sunday, August 1st, 2004 | | 9:27 pm |
I should have known...
...that if I didn't eat something before lunchtime this morning, I was gonna get a daylong headache. It was already coming on me when I walked over to the new Outback Steakhouse for lunch. It survived a bit of nap I took in midafternoon. I should have known 'cause it always happens when I don't eat something soon enough in the morning.
Needless to say, I didn't get much done today. No exercise beyond the walk to Outback. (Though, I'll make this up during the week with walks in 90-some degree heat to and from work, once my car is in the shop.) No cleaning, beyond emptying out the car. For the most part, I was a headachy lump.
Hmm, I wonder if trepanation would help.... | | 6:41 pm |
| | 5:57 pm |
How many CDs are in your car?
Just emptied out my car in preparation to (hopefully) turn it into the repair people tomorrow morning. I'd been meaning to clean out my car for some time, but never got around to it. The tally of CDs scattered about the inside--on the passenger seat, under the passenger seat, in front of the passenger seat, and in front of the back seats: 58 cases, a few of which held 2 CDs. | | Friday, July 30th, 2004 | | 11:56 pm |
It came from...behind!
My car is currently in a bit of a sad state.
Just after 6:30, I was turning on to the surface streets of Boulder, heading to the Rasputina show. The turn lane was one of those that doesn't give you a long distance in which to merge. I was gonna go for it, when I realized that a coming car I'd thought to be in another lane was really in the lane I was trying to merge into. So I stopped. I stopped perhaps a bit abruptly, but I'd looked into the rearview mirror, and didn't see any problem back there. A moment or two later...bang!
I was hit by a young woman in some sort of Jeep SUVish type vehicle. There wasn't much damage to her car, but there was a fair amount to mine. A nice deep dent on the right. The bumper pressed in so that the sides kinda popped out some. The right breaklight shattered. As the Jeep sat high, it also dented the back of my trunk lid. I didn't know how much until I tried to open the trunk. At first I couldn't get it open. Then, once I did, I couldn't get it to close again.
Neither of us seemed to know what to do. I'd forgotten that the new Colorado laws said that we were supposed to move our cars from traffic. (Before recent insurance changes, one was supposed to leave the vehicles in place until a cop car came around.) The young woman called someone for instructions, and that person said to move the cars, and said that a police car would be sent. So we did so and waited. The woman--who was kinda cute--was very apologetic, said that it was all her fault. She also said that at least she'd hit someone who was cool. (For whatever reason, I'd taken the whole experience with a good attitude, with understanding instead of getting pissed off as I sometimes do. I was less irked at the damage done to the car than the damage done to my bumper stickers, and that I was gonna be late to the concert.)
A police woman appeared, took our documentation and our statements. Supposedly the young woman admitted fault (though she joked about blaming me). Apparently the confession was kinda moot, though, because according to the police woman (and other things I'd heard, such as from the traffic class I took after speeding) the person behind is automatically assumed to be at fault in such situations anyway. While they were finishing up, I attempted to close the car's trunk. Failing that, I looked frantically around for something with which to tie the trunk shut. I finally found...a length of thin chain. (This was an ornamental piece of chain that hung from my man skirt, but which I'd removed when I'd taken said skirt to the cleaners. I'd been wondering what had happened to it recently.) The trunk somewhat secure, I proceeded on to the show.
When I got home, I replaced the chain with a small bungee cord from the car kit that had been sitting in my living room, instead of my car, ever since I'd needed some tools to get that bird out of the dryer.
Now I need to see if I can get through all of the insurance and repair procedures before Dragonfest, only a week and a half away.... | | 11:18 pm |
Rasputina in Boulder
Tonight Rasputina played at the Fox Theater down in Boulder. I tried to get to the venue before doors opened, but for reasons explained in the post to follow, I arrived after. Strangely, people were piled in the lobby, as the doors into the theater itself had not opened. There was not a press of people, so i managed to find a position a bit stage right of center, and just a person or two back. This afforded me a location to at least attempt to take photos during the show, though with flash off as the security at least tried to enforce a no-flash rule. I haven't check the pics yet, though I'm sure I have nothing nearly as good as the photos I took two years ago at Rock Island.
The opening act, Hazard County Girls, was actually pretty good for a change. They were a three girl act--electric guitar, bass, and drums--and they rocked out pretty well. The best part was watching the drummer's facial expressions as she pounded her set into submission. Since I already have Rasputina's discography, I picked up a copy of their CD on the way out.
Rasputina were a blast, as usual. Though, I was a bit disappointed that Melora didn't suddenly go off into "Baby Got Back" as she had in Denver, 'cause I really wanted to try to catch that on video with my camera. Set list as follows:
Things I'm Gonna Do
New Zero
If Your Kisses Can't Hold the Man You Love
Howard Hughes
Rock and Roll
Rose K.
Remnants of Percy Bass
Watch T.V.
Wicked Dickie
Momma Was an Opium Smoker
When I Was a Young Girl
Barracuda
Rats
Secret Message
Bad Moon Rising
Saline the Salt Lake Queen
High On Life
Possum of the Grotto
Unknown [new song or new cover? Has the refrain "go to sleep"]
Hunter's Kiss
I wore my Love Hurts shirt, lace-up pants, and frock coat with the daily boots. To my disappointment, nobody started rubbing on me (as at that one Renfaire shop). Ah well. I didn't see or run into anybody I knew, with the exception of a girl who recognized me and said hi as I walked back to my car. (She'd been in front of me in the line for the Denver show, and I'd chatted a little with her and her friends. Young, prolly still in high school.) | | Thursday, July 29th, 2004 | | 9:33 pm |
Have your important questions answered... ...by a psychic cat! (The funny thing is that I'm fairly sure that this is the same cat that was supposedly held hostage for money by Al Qaida back in May. Unfortunately, that auction is no longer available for me to check. Anyway, if the cat's so psychic, how come it couldn't predict and avoid its own catnapping? Tell me! Huh? Huh?) | | 9:18 pm |
| | 6:50 pm |
Frankly, I'm surprised I'm as close in as that....  Category XI - The
QuidnuncThough you don't fit in, and your social graces are sometimes lacking, people like you because you have all the information. Now, who won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1952? What Type of Social Entity are You? brought to you by Quizilla(Hmm, from the way my life has been going lately, I'd have figured that I'd get The Outsider, though The Lurker probably describes me best. This one's not too flattering, and not too correct, if you look at the definition of a "quidnunc"--which I hadn't even realized was an actual word: "one who is curious to know everything that passes; one who knows or pretends to know all that is going on; a gossip; a busybody." The first part sounds correct, but the latter parts don't. I seldom really know what's going on with people, am usually the last to know, even in people I consider friends.) | | Monday, July 26th, 2004 | | 8:18 pm |
| | 10:08 am |
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