[	form of expression	|	amused	]
[	what's that noise?	|	Coheed and Cambria	]

I'm coming home this Sunday. I'll be home til sometime Friday, so if you want to make plans with me, there's your window. I'm going to Israel with my cousin May 30th til June 10th. Happy Summer Everyone!

Today I realized that one of my professors lives about three houses down the street from me. It gives me an uneasy feeling.

[	form of expression	|	annoyed	]
[	what's that noise?	|	Rise Against	]

ob·ses·sion n.
1. Compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion, often accompanied by symptoms of anxiety.
2. A compulsive, often unreasonable idea or emotion.

Uh.. coming home this weekend. Leaving here either Thursday or Friday, probably Thursday. I don't have a phone anymore so hit me up online or something.

Look at me, I'm a rock star!

[	form of expression	|	nauseated	]
[	what's that noise?	|	Letter Kills	]

I did really well in Jepardy last night. Too bad though, I was home alone so no one was around to hear me give all the correct answers.

I now have myspace.

[	form of expression	|	groggy	]
[	what's that noise?	|	Interpol	]

Today I saw a bumper sticker that said "Arms Are For Hugging".
Right on.

P.S. Knights of the Old Republic is like crack.

A - age you got your first kiss: 12
B - band listening to right now: Tori Amos
C - crush: Kris
D - dad's name: Sheldon
E - easiest person to talk to: Kelly
F - favorite bands at the moment: Skinny Girls Make Graves, The Mars Volta, Death Cab for Cutie, Tool
G - gummy bears or gummy worms: gummy worms
H - hometown: VA Beach
I - instruments: nope
K - kids: not yet
L - longest car ride ever: VA to MI
M - mom's name: Nancy
N - nicknames: Baby,Boy-Boy, Hobbit, Sketch
O - one wish: relocate Wayfinder to Farmville, Va
P - phobia[s]: foreign objects in my mouth, oddly enough
Q - favorite quote: "I don't believe in god because I don't believe in Mother Goose" - Clarence Darrow
R - reason to smile: Napoleon Dynamite
S - song you sang last: Televators
T - time you woke up [today]: 8:00am
U - unknown fact about me: I just learned how to boil an egg
V - vegetable you hate: most
W - worst habit(s): cigarettes
X - x-rays you've had: shit I can't remember every x-ray
Y - yummy food : granola
Z - zodiac sign : cancer



I am: smoking a cigarette
I want: to play Knights of the Old Republic
I have: an ashtray
I wish: to make more candles (making candles ROCKS!)
I hate: religion
I fear: nothing
I search: through my clothesbin
I wonder: if Kris will make me a grilled cheese sandwich
I regret: not getting my car fixed today
I love: Kris and halo
I am not: ignorant
I dance: at home only
I cry: when I'm on my period and Kris pisses me off
I write: papers on the existence of god
I win: halo
I lose: Marvel Comics Trivia Game
I confuse: everyone
I need: Kris, cigarettes, drugs, books
I should: sleep tonight
---------------------------------
YES or NO:

You keep a diary: no
You like to cook: no
You have a secret you've never shared with anyone: no
You beleive in love: love is a degree of like, and i believe in like
---------------------------------
The weirdest person you know: Casey
The loudest person you know: haha, Marc
The cutest person you know: none of my friends are cute
Closest friend: Kelly
The person that knows the most about you: Kelly
The last thing you think of before going to sleep: halo
---------------------------------
DO YOU...

Have a crush: no
Want to get married: yes
Get motion sickness: rarely
Think you're a health freak: no
Get along with you're parents: yes
Like thunderstorms: sure
---------------------------------
CURRENT...

Hair colour: dark blond/light brown
Eye colour: why is eye color under "Current"? brown
Birthplace: again, are the topics even relevant? Va Beach
---------------------------------
FAVORITE...

Number: 7
Colour: clear
Day of the week: friday afternoon til sunday afternoon
Month: June, July, and August
Song: Parabola, Fourty Six & 2, Televators
Food: peanut butter cups
Season: summer
Sport: wayfinder
Drink: root beer floats
---------------------------------
PREFERENCES...

Cuddle or make out: cuddle
Chocolate milk or hot chocolate: chocolate milk
Dark or white chocolate: white
Vanilla or chocolate: vanilla
---------------------------------
IN THE LAST 24 HRS, HAVE YOU...

Cried: no
Helped someone: no
Bought something: *sigh* yeah, cigarettes
Been sick: yes
Gone to the cinema: no
Gone out for dinner: no
Said 'I love you': yes
Written a real letter: no
Talked to an ex: yes
Missed an ex: no
Had a serious talk: yes
Missed someone: yes
Hugged someone: yes
Fought with your parents: no
Fought with a friend: no, unless you count Kris
---------------------------------
Name 5 bands you listen to:
1- The Mars Volta
2- Tool
3- Death Cab For Cutie
4- Tori Amos
5- A Perfect Circle
---------------------------------
Name 7 things you hate:
1- religion
2- the dishes
3- arguing with Kris
4- Casey's drama
5- cigarettes
6- Stephanie
7- sour milk
---------------------------------
Would you ever:

Eat a bug: no
Hang glide: yes
Kill someone: no
Kiss someone of the same sex: yes
Have sex with someone of the same sex: it's a possibility
Parachute from a plane: yes
Walk on hot coals: no
Go out with someone for their looks: no
For their reputation: yes
Be a vegetarian: no
Wear plaid with stripes: no
IM a stranger: no
Sing Karaoke: no
Get drunk off your ass: possibly
Shoplift: no
Run a red light: yes
Star in a porn video: only personal ones
Dye your hair blue: possibly
Be on Survivor: no
Wear makeup in public: not likely
Not wear makeup in public: yes
Cheat on a test: no
Make someone cry: no
Date someone more than 10 years older than you: no
Stay up all night: yes
Get Back with your ex? no
---------------------------------
Who you last:

Thought of: Pug
Missed: my mom
Kissed: Kris
Liked: Chris (the girl)
Cried for: Kris
Wanted to be with: Kris

[	form of expression	|	mellow	]
[	what's that noise?	|	Mensrea	]

Currently, I live with my boyfriend in a trailer in a junkyard with a pit bull named Rasta. This is so cool (pass the hookah)!

Last night I had a dream about high school. Everyone was there and still the same, except for me. I was the me that I am now. Everyone treated me like I was still the Ashley from high school, but it didn't matter because the person I am now doesn't give a shit.

[	form of expression	|	amused	]
[	what's that noise?	|	Rush	]

Here is my argument for why people are stupid. One of my friends is a waitress and instead of a tip some overly religious people left a little booklet on one of her tables. The title of the booklet is "The Atheist Test". Everyone who starts reading it always stops halfway through and asks, "Are these people trying to be serious or are they joking?" I'm not sure if this is the funniest thing I've ever seen, or if it pisses me off to know that there are really people this dumb out there.

( Read more... )

Today I was cracked out on adderall and coffee and I spent the entire day talking with Kimmy. And I smoked two packs of cigarettes today. For doing absolutely nothing, I had a blast. I love her. She is so fucking awesome.

[	form of expression	|	tired	]
[	what's that noise?	|	Poison the Well	]

Yesterday I went over to Chris's and hung out with him and Kimmy. Then Casey, Mike, Billy, Lauren and Mark came over. Lauren gave me a bump of her gram of coke. Mark played lots of halo with me. I really like Mark. He's pretty cool. I had a good time last night.

"I want a drink. I want fifty drinks. I want a bottle of the purest, strongest, most destructive, most poisonous alcohol on Earth. I want crack, dirty and yellow and filled with formaldehyde. I want a pile a of powder meth, five hundred hits of acid, a garbage bag full of mushrooms, a tube of glue bigger than a truck, a pool of gas big enough to drown in. I want something anything whatever however as much as I can."
-James Frey
A million little pieces

uhh.. a half assed attempt at an update. or something.

life with a boyfriend is amazing. chris is amazing. uh, i don't know what else to say.
except
my life has been changing so much lately. the past year has been a state of constant change. but we're good, we can stop now. kthnx.

with the lights out it's less dangerous
here we are now, entertain us
i feel stupid and contagious
here we are now, entertain us


i feel as though i have finally outsmarted life.
i win.

A word to the wise:
Never get into a tickle fight whilst tripping on LSD with a fucking lit cigarette in your hand.

Some people keep a dream journal. I don't. But I have a notebook, and I had a dream. So in the wee hours of the morning after awakening from a particularly intense dream, with my eyes literally only slits I grabbed my notebook and jotted something down before rolling over and rejoining my unconscious. I had completely forgotten about writing anything down until just now when I happened across the notebook. Here's what it says:

Dreaming intense. Every memory a pinprick. I've never before felt my body express beauty in such a manner. Emotions and feelings tied together with a knot of insecurity. Beings together, harmonize. My soul still lingers, as the dream resonates.

[	form of expression	|	high	]
[	what's that noise?	|	A Perfect Circle- Imagine	]

Holy fucking shit. I'm so fucking behind. I just realized today that A Perfect Circle came out with a new single. I'm listening to it now, and I'm creaming my fucking pants. I think I'm just stoned, or something. Whatever.


Oh yeah, I got a roommate today.




*added note*
So literally as I'm sitting here browsing the APC website they add the video for Imagine, as well as a new interview. Hot damn.

[	form of expression	|	full	]
[	what's that noise?	|	Marilyn Manson- The Reflecting God	]

sufferchronicASH: i can't fucking believe you're going to be seventeen
kEllBeLL1421: i can't believe you can buy me alcohol next year</font></bold>




*sigh*
...little sisters

It took me a really long time to realize that I can figure things out on my own. And it took me just a little bit longer than that to admit that I might need someone else's help.

Most of you that know me know that within the past year or so I've gone through a major transition. I started a new chapter of my life, and I ended an old one. I matured, grew spiritually, evolved mentally. I gained a sense of identity. I guess you could say I just grew up.

Towards the end of this period of searching for myself I realized it was the journey, the exploration into my being, that was what I had really been looking for all along. I had a deep, nagging need to question. To question everyone and everything around me. But mostly to question myself.

So after all this time I'm proud to say that I've come out the other end. I've stepped out into the bright sunlight. I've found myself. The funny part is, I found myself in someone else.

I'm beginning a new stage now. I am more consciously aware then I have ever been. I think differently. I live differently. I experience everything completely differently, because I have learned that everything is a brand new experience. I believe I'm better at doing whatever it is that I do.

But with this liberation comes fear. I have mastered the old Ashley. But the new Ashley has no idea whats going on. Ready to begin learning, I step up to this new chasm in my life. I inch my toes towards the edge and peer over. It takes my breath away.

Realities begin to sink in and I lean further. Feelings and emotions overwhelm and I lean further. Dread consumes and I lean further. A calm washes over and I lean further. I am leaning so far over that all I need now is a gently breeze to push me off the edge...
















...and into flight.

i'm so terrified. but at the same time it feels so right.
maybe i'm getting in over my head. it's about fucking time.

I've been having a lot of intense dreams lately.
I keep thinking about a dream I had a couple of weeks ago. I dreamt that I was painting a sort of apocalyptic picture. The painting was titled "The night I met you". It was full of colors and shapes and feelings. I felt like someone in love. In my painting the whole sky was on fire. I could feel the heat coming from the flames. The dreamed seemed very real.

find for me the cliff
push me off the edge
don't ever regret
or forget me
stoic memories
but i'll be brave
because you hate me
and everything
but
you held me in your hand
i never cried
so hard in my life
about every little pleasure
late nights on the beach
and you

I wanted to believe
as I watched your world
crumble in your hands
I wanted to believe
as you raised your glass
to your last stand
I wanted to believe
you would win
that war in your head
that I did not understand

Tomorrow I'm picking my sister up from field hockey practice and then we're going up to our beach house. I'm staying there until Saturday morning and then I'm leaving from there to go to school. So... tonight is my last night at home. I'm more than depressed. And strangely enough I'm also excited. But I guess this means I won't be able to get my tongue pierced with Lisa on Saturday morning. :(

I bought a new cell phone today. Same number though, cause I switched to verizon! six.five.two.two.two.five.five. Please call me while I'm at school.

<3 you Jenny!

I have to go pack now.

Does someone want to explain bilateral symmetry to me?
Why does it seem that human bodies have two of everything? It's like you could cut us right down the middle and there would be the same things on each of the two parts. And of everything that there is only one of on the human body, almost all seem to be in the center of the two sides of the body. Maybe there really are two of these things, but since they are together in the middle of the body, there only appears to be one. Why weren't we built with just one of everything? Makes you wonder if we're meant to split apart at some point during our evolution.

It's been a while.


Last week was great. Went over to VBFS for some soccer late Saturday afternoon. Saw some old faces.

Sunday I went back for the tail end of Capture the Flag. Reed and Corrie were there. We all went out to dinner afterwords, then a huge group showed up later that night for Ninja Flag. Night games are the best. Jenny and Kelly spent the night.

We had to get up early the next morning for Wayfinder camp. That went all day, then I came home and crashed from lack of sleep.

Camp again the next day, and another round of Ninja Flag that night.

Wednesday was camp again, and then that night was the night portion of the Game.

Camp on Thursday was at Sea Shore State Park right by my house for the second portion of the Game. After the Game the Corrie, Reed, Brennan, Griffin, Eric and I went to Ben and Jerry's for some ice cream. Nate, Britton, Jenny and Jacob were there too. So was my sister and her friend. We all ended up staying there for quite a long time talking about various things. Then we headed back to VBFS to pack up some shit, and then we had a break before Bardic Circle at Kitty's house in Pungo that night.

Friday we were back at the school for camp, but we really just played hours of silent football, the best game in the whole wide world (which is neither silent nor football). Then everyone (too many to name) met at the movies for Alien vs. Predator. My sister came with three of her friends too. After the movie we all said goodbye to the people that were going back to New York, and I went home. I smoked a lot of pot and watched the opening thing for the olympics. Then I slept. I slept clear through saturday. I've always said the most tired I ever get is during a week of Wayfinder camp.


I leave for school on the 28th. My time here is running out.

Life is more than peachy. I can't wait for school. I can't wait to smoke the year away and still come out on top. Every day I feel like my life has just started.

Ugh. Being at home is so boring. I can't wait to go back to school. An endless parade of drugs and alcohol. This next school year is going to be remembered as a blur.
Life's about to eat me up and shit me out the other end.

[	form of expression	|	optimistic	]
[	what's that noise?	|	Vendetta Red- Shatterday	]

So last night a bunch of us were at Bryan's house smoking blunts and bowls of the new dank that we've been waiting a week for. Then we did lines of codeine. I got back late and used my high to study for my test that was this morning. I didn't go to bed til 4 and I had to get up again at 7, so I'm pretty tired, and I have a three hour car ride ahead of me. I'm going to roll some joints for the trip though. Before I leave I'll stop by the prof's office to see what grade I got. I think I aced this test. I only need an 84 or higher to ace the whole class.

*grunt*

More on my awesome time at summer school later.

Wish me luck and I'll see you when I get home.

[	form of expression	|	exhausted	]
[	what's that noise?	|	don't need any	]

I have this friend, who's an amazing poet. Some of you reading this know him. His work makes me shit my pants with jealousy. I thought I'd share with all of you that are interested enough to read them two of his poems that he posted in an online forum, written here exactly as he wrote them there.


We only exist in each others minds,
Young souls basking in
Slivers of starvation...
Starved-Haitians, the words "God Forsaken"
Almost passed my lips,
Before I clasped my hands and
Force fed myself the words...

And then...
all became still,
quieting my conscience, I made her
a promise to seek the same thrill
she lusted for -
Every waking moment
was another torn cobweb, strewn
across her eyes like
butter on God's bread...
Streams connecting rivers, her shivers
collecting fate in dust clouds,
And I awoke to find her clear voice resonating
through the halls of her throat,
and the song was beautiful...

"I know why there's music, on an early summer's morning..."



-and-



Call me a poet,
Whisper me words across
Seas and sands, receive my kisses
With poetic lips, smooth skin
And majestic hips... be my princess,
I respect your reason as seasons change
Enclosed in our voices.

Call me a poet,
Taste me in trilingual tongues,
You hope ~ powerful as
The Tears of Isis...
Wander the winds of my shroud,
Speak the love soaked promise out loud,
And

Call me a poet,
Use the slivers of your gaze
To shine on our embrace...
The rush of your teeth softly
Caressing my lips, a she wolf's bite,
Gentle and delicate.

Call me a poet,
Let my messages melt
And leave sacrifice to be
Framed in plastic pictures,
Our connection was the essence
Of fire and ice...
Holding you fragile upon sun-filled feathers,
Moving my skin across yours,
All silk and honey, and
There - Were - No - Thoughts -
Only a candle... illuminating
Smooth syllables.

Call me a poet,
Send me a sword-
Hidden in a poem, languishing
In language letting the stars
Carry us home...
Stand on a mountain top and
Call to me that sensual smiles are poems,
You are a poem...
WE ARE POETRY
So when you doubt my love,
Call me a poet.

-Josh "The Word" Smith


Oh, and in case you didn't know, the kids only 15.

[	form of expression	|	hungry	]
[	what's that noise?	|	Seether and Amy Lee- Broken	]

Today I met my roommate for next fall. She's actually in my statistics class. Her name is Courtney and she seems really cool. I'm so happy she's normal and not a weirdo. I've seriously had nightmares about this. Plus she drinks and smokes pot, so it's all good.

My second test is tomorrow. I should do ok, I guess. I just got back from a study session. It went pretty well. I just hope I can remember it all tomorrow morning.

Dinner in the d-hall is only from 5 to 5:45, which is riCOCKulous. I was at my study session so I missed it. So now I have to walk out to my car (which is pretty far away), go to the bank to get some cash, and then go find food somewhere else. That's that much less time I'll have to study. Not that I'm studying at this current moment...

So my statistics text book has a sense of humor:

Page 218
Number 11
A drawer contains 11 identical red socks and 8 identical black socks. Suppose that you choose 2 socks at random in the dark.
a) What is the probability that you get a pair of red socks?
b) What is the probability that you get a pair of black socks?
c) What is the probability that you get 2 unmatched socks?
d) Where did the other red sock go?

Answers in the back of the book
a) 0.3216
b) 0.1637
c) 0.5146
d) It probably got lost in the wash!


Yes, seriously.



P.S. I got a 98 on my first test.

[	form of expression	|	full	]
[	what's that noise?	|	With Charmin Ultra, less is more. Cha-cha-cha ...Charmin!	]

So today I took my first statistics test. I think I got a 100, but we won't know until Monday. I haven't figured out how yet, but everyone in the class caught on that I knew what I was doing and I was immediately labeled "the smart girl". Literally. I saw someone outside of class and they actually said, "Hey smart girl!". Hey retard! Then he asked, "So are you like a math or business major or something?" and when I said no, that I was a psychology major he said, get this, "Really? What a waste of talent." People are dumb. I hate you.

This weekend is going to be so boring. I don't know anyone at school, my roommate and I don't really even talk to each other, I have very little homework and there's just nothing to do in Farmville over the summer. (My roommate just did her laugh out loud ((really loud)) thing again, now she's talking to her computer. "No, he did not go there!") Weekends are supposed to be welcomed, but I'm just going to be spending the whole time waiting for Monday. Sucks to be me.

Thank you for your time.

[	form of expression	|	grumpy	]
[	what's that noise?	|	NSYNC! ...just kidding	]

So yes, I am here at school. Kinda boring.

My roommate is ok I guess. We don't do anything together, so that sucks. She is kinda obnoxious though. She talks to her computer. Meaning, when she's talking on AIM (which is all the time) she says things out loud like "Oh no you didn't!" and she'll laugh out loud. But the talking is the weirdest. Sometimes I want to turn around and say "Who the fuck are you talking to?". She also has the AIM bleeping sounds turned on, so I have to listen to it constantly. But thank god she's nice.

The only class I'm taking is statistics from 8am to 10:45am. I was supposed to also be taking psychology of sex and gender but they canceled the class due to insufficient enrollment. My ass!

Other than my class, I don't really do anything here. I don't know anyone, none of my friends are here. God bless the internet.

I've run out of things to bore you with.

[	form of expression	|	sick	]
[	what's that noise?	|	Kill Hannah- Agent Orange Skies	]

Talk about the worst birthday ever. I spent the whole day sick in bed with the flu. We're talking fever, puking, headaches ...the works. I was supposed to go out to dinner with my family, but I couldn't. My sister got sick today too.
Tomorrow should be better. Got dinner and movie plans with Ellen and Lisa. And then Wednesday night is take two on dinner with the family.

Heres to twenty more.

I think it's really sexy when rockers gets right up on top of the mic, so that it touches their mouths, and pulls down on their lips.

My parents are in Spain so I decided to root around in the attic and look at old stuff. I found this folder packet thing with my name on it. I opened it and it was the results from a sort of psychological/intellectual evaluation thing from when I was 12 or 13. It's rather long, but it goes something like this...

"... based on these results Ashley's Broad Cognitive Ability Standard score and Extended Standard score were both 123. These results place her in the superior range of intellectual ability. Her Oral Language cluster standard score was even stronger at 133. Ashley appears to be functioning in the above average to superior range of cognitive ability."

"Acquired knowledge, representing knowledge potentially available to Ashley for problem solving, and primarily measured by the Comprehension-Knowledge cluster and Quantitative Concepts subtest, measured superior."

"Problem solving abilities for new and novel situations also measured superior."

"Ashley's WJ-R clusters for processing speed, visual processing, and auditory processing fell in the above average range of abilities for her age."

"Ashley's Broad Reading cluster measured superior."

"Aptitude scores suggest that Ashley should be achieving in reading, mathematics and written language within the superior range."


And it goes on and on like that. I counted the word "superior" 18 times in the whole report, all of them italicized. Apparently, I used to be a smart little fuck. In the packet there were also brochures for four or five smarty pants boarding school. I hardly remember the test, and these results were never shared with me. I'm happy my parents never made me go to smart school. Yay VBFS!

It also goes on to say...

"Close observations during the evaluation suggested that Ashley expends considerable energy protecting herself from her own feelings of self worth as well as those she perceives others as having about her. Most of these actions are directed at distancing. She was overtly threatened by the possibility that she might be judged."


I'd like to be retested sometime.

I got all sorts of fucked up last night. It was great.



It's always the times that I loose touch with reality for a few days that I get bombarded with emails that demand my immediate response.

So,

Today I went over to my parents house, grabbed a huge bottle of Skyy Vodka and walked out. But before I got to the door, both my mom and my dad said I had a white X on my forehead. Both of them said they saw it clear as day. Then they looked again and it was gone. I went and looked in the mirror and didn't see anything... but they both swear it was there. Whatever, maybe that means I'm marked for death.

Last night Erica and Travis scared the crap out of me. A few nights ago we went to this boat ramp dock thing to drink. Because of the ramp, the dock is down below the ground, and Travis said that sometimes theres a ghost that stands there and looks down at the people on the dock. I was kinda scared, but too drunk at the time to really care. Well, last night we went back to smoke some joints, and Travis all of the sudden pointed up and said there was just a guy standing there looking down at us. If you don't already know this, I get REALLY paranoid when I'm high, and I got pretty high last night. So I'm sitting there freaking out asking to leave, and Travis and Erica are having a good laugh at me. Haha, very funny. I'm 99% sure that he made the whole story up to begin with, but I still don't ever want to go back to that dock. Ghosts bother me, what can I say.

I'll be twenty in 18 days. Whoo-hoo. That was written with sarcasm.