| Inside. |
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| 04:41pm 12/04/2005 |
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You're my cerebral keepsake. The soft spot in my heart that'll never go away. You embody all the love I have left. Do I love you? I really don't know anymore. But I do know, you'll never disappear. You'll always be in my head, and in my heart. I think of you at least once every day. So why am I typing this? Because now I know you read this. I know, because I found a part of me in something of yours. You know who you are. You have to. My first, and always. I have no intentions as far as this entry goes, except for you to know that this is how I see you. You're just...
My forever memory.
"You're here to stay." |
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(4 drops |Bleed for me...) |
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| I Like It When You Cry. |
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| 09:56pm 09/03/2005 |
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mood:  feel like shit music: Lollipop Lust Kill - Bury You
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I think of all those fucked up memories I have... and wish I didn't have them. I wish I could erase them. But life isn't that easy. No, life is supposed to be hard. If life was so easy I wouldn't want to live it. It's the challenge that keeps me here. Nothing in life is easy. Not a damn thing. Lots of things are unfair. Lots of things are contradicting and hypocritical. And there pretty much isn't a damn thing we can do about it. That's why I tend to not complain about shit I can't change, because it's pointless and irritating. So, fuck it. That's my motto for all of it. Just fuck it. Just another human being living in this fucked up place we call reality. There's always two sides to everything and I seem to have adapted that into my personality. Usually I wish I could just make up my mind and live in bliss with one side, but sometimes I just say fuck it, it's who I am. So... Fuck it.
Damn, I don't feel like going to sleep, but that's probably what I need to do, because I feel like shit.
If your life was in my hands, you'd be dead already.
"If you see me in the shadow, whispering your name, would you hear my words without going insane?"
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(Bleed for me...) |
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| You'll Not Wrest The Truth From My Hands. |
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| 10:46am 05/03/2005 |
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mood:  content music: Lamb of God - In Defense of Our Good Name
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1. If I were a month I would be: Hmm... October. That's when all the freaks come out to play.
2. If I were a day of the week I would be: Friday... It's almost the end but you have to keep trudging on...
3. If I were a time of day I would be: When the stars are most visible.
4. If I were a planet I would be: Mars. Almost like everyone else but not quite... just a little cold and distant.
5. If I were a sea animal I would be: A shark. A tiger shark. An aggressive tiger shark.
6. If I were a direction I would be: That way.
7. If I were a piece of furniture I would be: A couch with a fold-out bed.
8. If I were a sin I would be: Murder.
9. If I were a historical figure I would be: Hahaha, Hitler.
10. If I were a liquid I would be: Blood.
11. If I were a stone, which would I be: A great boulder on the top of a mountain. One that preferably falls and kills a lot of people.
12. If I were a tree, I would be: A weeping willow.
13. If I were a bird, I would be: A hawk.
14. If I were a tool, I would be: A sledge hammer.
15. If I were a flower/plant, I would be: One of those weird-looking ones that you never know the name of.
16. If I were a kind of weather, I would be: The thunderstorm of a hurricane.
17. If I were a musical instrument, I would be: The drums. Something you can beat up but never breaks.
18. If I were an animal, I would be: A nomadic wolf.
19. If I were a color, I would be: Well.... Black.
20. If I were an emotion, I would be: Anger.
21. If I were a vegetable, I would be: An onion.
22. If I were a sound, I would be: A battle cry.
23. If I were an element, I would be: Fire. (Duh.)
24. If I were a car, I would be: Nothing. Fuck cars. I would be a Kawasaki 1000.
25. If I were a song, I would be: Well, that's hard to say... Music is so broad for me... But I'd have to say 11th Hour by Lamb of God. Awe-striking and aggressive, but once you learn the lyrics...
26. If I were a movie, I would be directed by: Ridley Scott.
27. If I were a book, I would be written by: Kyle Harris.
28. If I were a food, I would be: Sea urchin. The ultimate acquired taste.
29. If I were a place, I would be: The rainy streets of Seattle.
30. If I were a material, I would be: Metal.
31. If I were a taste, I would be: Bitter.
32. If I were a scent, I would be: Fresh rain.
33. If I were a word, I would be: Fuck. Very versatile.
34. If I were a body part I would be: The mind.
35. If I were a facial expression I would be: A piercing stare.
36. If I were a subject in school I would be: PE.
37. If I were a cartoon character I would be: Yogi bear. Hahaha, fuck I don't know, I don't watch cartoons.
38. If I were a shape I would be a: Dodecagon. So many sides, but they all fit into one shape somehow.
"Never wanted your approval. Never wanted your acceptance. Never wanted to be anything but me, never wanted to be anywhere but here."
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(Bleed for me...) |
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| I Can't Take It Anymore. |
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| 12:11am 05/03/2005 |
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mood: good music: Stone Sour - Inhale
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I just found out tonight the aspects of this here CAP HIWG Summer Encampment.
It'll be held 13-20Jun05 at Marine Corps Base Hawaii.
MARINE CORPS BASE.
Fuck you Bellows, we're stationing at K-bay this time, ahahahahaaaaaa.
I must be weird, because I crave pain and suffering and harsh environments to better myself.
Hopefully we'll get the O-course again with the rope climb so I can show off again. Hahaha. Fuck you, I have a big ego and I know it and there's nothing you can do about it. I'm a cocky bastard and I know I can back up what I say so go fuck yourseeeeelf. Well anyway, I'm still waiting on my status confirmation for PJOCs. I was near the top of the list for HIWG so I should damn-near be guaranteed an active spot. I'll be in New Mexico if I get a slot from like 26Jun to something like 3Jul. I'll be on staff at encampment. Near the end of July I'm going to Washington until like the day before the first day of school. Damn, this summer is planned to be fucking great. Lots of training and what not.... I think I'm going to quit my job. This month will probably be my last because it takes away too much of my time as a teenager. I mean, sure, I don't do shit, except maybe my homework, but that's the thing, I don't do shit. I'm basically wasting time. But I get paid for it, so that's why I got it in the first place. I've been saving up my paycheks and stuff for like a month or two now. So I'd feel comfortable quitting. So that's what I'm gonna do. Fuck work, like a friend of mine told me: "Just be a kid." That's what I am, and that's what I'll do. So this is my last month of work.
"Why does any of it matter?"
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(2 drops |Bleed for me...) |
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| Instantly. |
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| 09:53pm 24/02/2005 |
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mood:  contemplative music: Atreyu - Corseting
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Torn between. Seriously. If you've ever been torn between two things, you might know how I feel. But what I'm between is a bit more complicated. And I don't care you say or think, because chances are it isn't going to change the situation, because it's all your opinion. But what I'm torn between is myself: Who do I want to be? The kind, caring, considerate individual I've pretty much displayed my whole life, or... The nonchalant, rude, loud, hypocritical asshole that seemingly deep down inside is who I really want to be, but for some reason, can't be... I try to fuse them together to be one person, but it always ends up like a seasaw, and I'm fucking sick of playing with my own mind. If I stopped caring altogether, I'd stop caring for my friends, and right now, like any other teenager, my friends are an extremely important part of my life. If I didn't have friends, I'd be a lot worse off than I am now. A lot worse off. Because it's happened before. I didn't really have friends last year; not in my own head anyway. I had people... not friends. That was the lowest point in my life. Even though I'm a lot more self-sufficient now (a lot), and I can handle being alone, without friends, I just feel... empty. In my head I tell myself that in the end, you're alone anyway. At least I know I will be, because of my choices that I've made for my future. Perhaps I'll have a couple close friends, but that may be it. Among other things, friends make me happy. Really happy. They give me company, they give me energy, comfort, the works. And, life to me is all about being happy.
I find it amusing to see people suffer. That's my sadistic side. And for some strange reason, it makes me happy. Sadism. Ha, worry not, I don't implement it into my sex life. At least... not purposely. But I hate seeing friends suffer. Because friends are a part of me. If they suffer, I suffer. If someone or something I'm completely disconnected from or just hate suffers, I like it. It brings a smile to my face, and to my soul. My empathy is erased.
I'm surprised I'm still sane with the way I think. If I'm even sane... I try to sigh and just say fuck it, because I know I'll never figure it out. Maybe I'll be this way for the rest of my life. Maybe I am one person with the way I am already, and just don't know it, just making things more complicated for myself. Most likely. I tend to complicate things.
Contradiction is my middle name. Don't forget it. I'd ask of you not to be displeased with me should I be contradictive in any future situation, but I know you will anyway, so it doesn't make a difference.
"I have these sadistic urges and I don't want to take it out on you. Right now you're the only one who understands my plight. Right now you're the only reason I can't sleep through the night."
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(1 drop |Bleed for me...) |
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| Fuck What You Think. |
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| 02:29pm 20/02/2005 |
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mood:  accomplished music: Lamb of God - 11th Hour
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Philosophical inspiration time.
I just think that everyone cares too much about other people, and what they think, and what they want, and what they need. I have a select few people that I care about and what they think, but in the end, it's your call. In the end, all you have left is yourself. And that's what's most important to me: knowing that in the end I'll still be myself, my own person, my own man, with my own wants, my own needs, my own feelings, and that I've made my own decisions. Fuck what everyone else says, I'm still me and that's all that matters.
"And nothing else matters..."
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(Bleed for me...) |
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| 50 Cent Pennies. |
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| 11:37pm 18/02/2005 |
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mood:  okay music: Story of the Year - Anthem of Our Dying Day
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All that stuff about not getting involved in a relationship again - down the drain. Why? Because I was somewhat profoundly notified of a certain someone, that I've actually kinda had my eye on, had theirs on me as well. So, go figure. God, I'm such a presituational liar. What the fuck.
Well, after school today I went to the skate park. I ate it a couple times, and now the side of my knee's a bit tender, not to mention a few scrapes on my knees and right shoulder. Geez, I'm such a great blader. Maybe I'll be on the World's Greatest Skating..... Accidents.
"From up here, the city lights burn like a thousand miles of fire..."
[[Why am I listening to this kind of music? Because I like the song, so fuck you guys.]]
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(Bleed for me...) |
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| You Don't Need To Bother. |
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| 08:21pm 09/02/2005 |
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mood: good music: Breaking Benjamin - So Cold
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I've finally found it. I found the answer.
I used to say I was scared of nothing. Nothing could get in my way. I was being cocky. I'm afraid of being weak. Not living up to my standards. I'm afraid of failing myself. I'm afraid of not living my dreams. I'm afraid of not living my life. Not dying, just... not living. Death doesn't scare me. Wasting my life does. Life is simply far too precious to waste. The only way to conquer my fears is to try. Some say trying is the first step to failure, well I say trying is the only way you'll ever make it. The only chance you have. The only way you'll ever know if you're good enough. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
Heh... I'm becoming a little more human every day.
We're all scared of something.
"Show me how it ends, it's alright... Show me how defenseless you really are... Satisfied and empty inside... Well that's alright, let's give this another try..."
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| Our Last Goodbye. |
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| 12:18am 05/02/2005 |
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mood:  tired music: If You Still Believe
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I Love You Broke
All I've missed
And wished for so long
Is now broken
Dead and gone
The puzzle has begun
But we've finished the game
This memory now
Will never be the same
Locked in the closet
Throw away the key
Wishing this memento
Would stop haunting me
Your face is gone
Just your ghost remaining
Sometimes I wish
For once it'd stop raining
Dry me out
And leave me be
Thought I severed
My chains of misery
Your words were split
And mean nothing anymore
I love you broke
And out my heart they did pour.
"Find a way to bring back yesterday... ...I hope you stay when tomorrow becomes today..." |
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(Bleed for me...) |
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| Dream On. |
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| 11:29pm 02/02/2005 |
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mood: pensive music: If You Still Believe
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As you fade away right before me, I just stand there with a stupid look on my face. And as I let you get away, I could just strangle myself. Strangle myself of the cowardice, the unspoken words, the unfinished kiss, the broken embrace... You disappeared, and all that remains is your face, burned into the backs of my eyelids. Plunge the dagger into my mind and scrape away the rest of my life. Slice away my hopes, my dreams, my desires, my screams, my love, my hate, all false, so fake. All gone, diminished, unsolved, unfinished, unspoken, unread, everything, it's dead.
If I had but a single word that I could speak for the rest of my life, it would be... Dream. Dreams are so resilient. Dreams are powerful. Dreams can make or break you. You can live for you dream, or you can live your dreams. Without a single dream, life is pointless. Worthless. But there's a fine line between dreaming and dwelling. Life becomes pointless if you never try to reach your dreams. If you attempt to reach them and fail, at least you don't have to look back and say you didn't try. If you dreams are shattered, you can dream another dream. A different dream. A dream to give life meaning again. And that's why... Life is but a dream.
Just some shit I wrote just now. Make of it what you will. No, on second thought, don't make anything of it. Leave it the fuck alone.
"I had a dream that I could fly... I can feel each moment as time goes by... We'd never be too far away... You would always be here, I heard you say... I never thought... Thought that it would be our last goodbye... I still can dream... That one day love will fall out from the sky... Do you still remember all the time that has gone by... Do you still believe that love can fall out from the sky... If from where you're standing, you can see the sky above... I'll be waiting for you, if you still believe in love."
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(Bleed for me...) |
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| Septembers. |
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| 08:38pm 19/01/2005 |
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mood: mellow music: Fuel - Most Of All
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Yeah, I must've not known just what the fuck I was talking about. I did love you. It was strange. It still is strange. A strange feeling. I was in love with you. I had to be. I don't think I've ever felt that way before. And even now, I think about you. I think about you a lot. Every day. Something somewhere sparks memories of you. And every time you're in my head, I miss you. I'm pretty sure I'm over you, but I still miss you. I miss you most of all. Every time I listen to this song, all the lyrics are for you. Any time I hear a song on this CD, they all seem to be for you. You meant the most, and you always will. I'm glad I didn't let you slip away completely. But I know you won't always be there. You can't be. Things just don't always work out the way we want them to. I can live with that. I have been for this long. Sure, it hurts a bit, but I'll take comfort in my pain. I always do.
"In your world somewhere, do memories rip and tear? The ones that always keep you hanging on to all that might have been?"
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(Bleed for me...) |
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| It Was Only A Kiss. |
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| 08:37pm 18/01/2005 |
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mood: morbid music: Slipknot - The Shape
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Wrote a poem. Great. Yay. On with life.
Sweet Dreams
You know you want me
In bed, with a knife in my neck
Dripping off the blade
And making you sick
Twisting your stomach
The way I twist fate
Crumbling your mind
And your body to desecrate
A crippling scream
You obey my command
In and out of the shadows
Through your fingers like sand
A blow to the soul
And a tear to the heart
A kick to the teeth
To rip you apart
Survive my slaughter
To stand your ground
I'll squeeze harder
To put you in the ground
One last breath
And you close your eyes
I can't wait to run away
With no goodbyes.
Life Is A Jest.
"Seperate, I've lost my only way. See the shape - broken and thrown away..."
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(Bleed for me...) |
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| Days Go By. |
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| 10:25pm 13/01/2005 |
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That may be all there is to know. |
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(Bleed for me...) |
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| What You Got? |
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| 09:51pm 10/01/2005 |
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mood: mellow music: Machine Head - Descend The Shades Of Night
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45.5 minute workout. 3 sets of 8 reps of 85 lbs. bench-pressing. 3 sets of 7 reps of 50 lbs. curling. 3 sets of 10 reps of 60 lbs. lat-pulldown. 10 minutes of hitting the bag. 43:12.86 minute run: Start at my carport, go left down the hill, take the first left and go down that hill. Take the first right down the short hill, then the left down the long hill. Go all the way down that hill and road, up and over the bridge, down the road, right up the steep hill past the school. Take the first left to Halsey, all the way down the road to Nimitz and take a right. Run down Nimitz to the first right. Halfway checkpoint. Circle around into Halsey again. Run all the way down and take the last left. Run all the way down and take a right, back past the school. Down the steep hill and left down the road to go up and over the bridge again. Run all the way down the road and up the hill, take the right up the short hill and the first left up that hill. Take the right at the end of the road and up the hill back to my carport. 43:12.86 minutes.
"Come on, you can't make it cuz you can't take it. You can't hang. You ain't no Navy SEAL. You ain't no Marine. You ain't no Army man. Hell, the Air Force got you. This is just the beginning. You gonna break. You'll die before you make it. You won't make it. You gonna break. What's wrong, losin your focus? Losin your concentration? You gonna quit? You slowin down? You trudgin, you draggin, you crawlin. You can't make it. You can't make it cuz you can't take it. What's wrong? You stoppin? Damn straight you are. This ain't shit. It'll be worse. You got heavy boots. You got heavy socks, you got pants, a shirt, a camo jacket, a hat, a 50-pound rucksack, you can't make it. You can't make it cuz you can't take it. You gonna break. You got nothin! You can't make it cuz you can't take it!"
(My own little positive reinforcement.)
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(3 drops |Bleed for me...) |
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| Fuck. |
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| 09:41am 08/01/2005 |
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mood:  awake music: Machine Head - Crashing Around You
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Well. I've been getting CDs like they were free - well, CDs. I bought Spineshank - Self-Destructive Pattern, Hatebreed - The Rise of Brutality, Pantera - Far Beyond Driven, and Vulgar Display of Power, Six Feet Under - Bringer of Blood, and Machine Head - Supercharger. I'm burning Mastodon - Leviathon and In Flames - Soundtrack To Your Escape. I must have about 125 metal CDs now. Today at 1600 I'm going to some funeral to do a saber routine for CAP. I'll be in my ROTC uniform as a lieutenant, even though I'm only an Airman in ROTC. Hahaha. I didn't get promoted to Chief last night like I should have. Somebody fucked up in admin, and the cadet commander didn't know what was going on, meh. Screw it. Next week is PFT, and it better count towards my Armstrong achievement. My goal I guess is 100 push-ups again, at least 65 sit-ups, maybe a 37 S&R;, and a 6:10 mile. Nah, maybe a 6:00 flat mile run. Don't want to be taking it easy out there. I didn't get the Physical Fitness Award for being a pussy. Well anyway, fuck you guys, I'm gonna go take a shower.
"If you leave your thoughts to me, believe I'll make sure that I see you world come crashing around you."
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(Bleed for me...) |
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| Done Did It. |
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| 09:44pm 06/01/2005 |
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mood: tired music: Static-X - Black And White
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I done just wrote myself a poem. Like, right now.
Implemented Destruction
I haven't stopped screaming
You've just stopped listening
I'm always lost in my own world
You won't see me any longer
It'll be me to bring this world to its knees
Overcome the shadow
And split your life in two
You may not like what you see
But what you see is what you get
Twisted metal and distorted pieces
Take comfort in your pain
Because it's all you're gonna feel
Get used to death
Because it's all you're gonna see
Ice in my eyes
And fire through my veins
Rip open your heart
And feed on my hate
This endless assault continues
Scratch and tear away at your soul
To bleed you of your freedom
Breaking you down with my malevolence
Play my game and lose your mind
Slaughter of corruption.
Yay, fuck you.
"Losing your mind, it's blurring, it's fading. Your soul's on fire, it's black and white."
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(Bleed for me...) |
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| Holy Fuck. |
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| 06:57pm 04/01/2005 |
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mood: blah music: Pantera - Primal Concrete Sledge
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I've gotten so many new CDs. Last week I bought All Out War - Condemned To Suffer, Amon Amarth - Fate of Norns, It Dies Today - The Caitiff Choir, Invocation of Nehek, and A Perfect Circle - Thirteenth Step. Mighty mighty good music I must say. All Out War is fucking awesome. And today I got 4 more CDs. Nine Inch Nails - The Downward Spiral, Static-X - Machine, Pantera - Cowboys From Hell, and Bury Your Dead - Cover Your Tracks. I sampled Bury Your Dead and it sounded pretty damn good, plus the sticker says for fans of Hatebreed, Pantera, and Killswitch Engage. I listened to Pantera on the ride home. Pretty fucking awesome. I also got a few more shirts [as if I needed more]. I got an Unearth shirt and it's gray. :O I got a Lamb Of God shirt finally, since they restocked in a size I can actually wear without ripping the fucking shirt. I got myself a shirt that reads "Losing faith in humanity one person at a time." Oddly enough my dad liked that shirt too. And the last shirt I got was a fucking Damageplan shirt. I was waiting for them to come out with a Damageplan shirt. Well school started again. We all know how much school sucks. Got to see some friends though so it's cool I guess. Gotta admit, I loved that fucking break though. Ugh, back to homework and bullshit. Oh well. Only a year and a half left of it. Fuck it, I'll live.
"If there's nothing to have, well then there's nothing to give... I'll break a sweat and I don't regret... What you'd kill to see brings out the god in me."
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(2 drops |Bleed for me...) |
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| 04:11pm 01/01/2005 |
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I am hate. I am anger. I am aggression. I am passion. I am pain. I am rage. I am tears. I am blood. I am love. I am life. I am death. I am emotion. I am feelings. I am depression. I am sadness. I am insanity. I am confrontation. I am apathy. I am regard. I am different. I am common. I am nothing. I am everything. I am too much. I am not enough. I am poetry. I am song. I am words. I am friend. I am enemy. I am I. I am me. I am everything you'll never be. |
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(1 drop |Bleed for me...) |
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| Feliz Año Nuevo. |
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| 01:54am 01/01/2005 |
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mood: tired music: Drowning Pool - Tear Away
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Happy new year, bitches.
"I don't care about anyone else but me..."
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(2 drops |Bleed for me...) |
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| Nu Ma Iei. |
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| 10:34pm 15/12/2004 |
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mood:  whatever music: AFI - The Great Disappointment
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Fuck. Ass. Shit. What? Oh.
I wrote a poem at work. Today. There - I actually know when I wrote this poem.
Outside
As the ink runs through the cracks
To color me red
I look through the eyes
Of a soul long dead
Paint my skin
With pain so sharp
Scars for eyes
Of a bleeding heart
Unravel my hate
As the glass explodes
Feed the pressure
With scorching reloads
I'll drop my sword
From this fight I've known
After years of death
As I fall from my throne
One last cry
From inside the black
I'll just keep walking
And I won't turn back.
"So near the cherished ones... I knew they would appear... Saw not a single one."
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(7 drops |Bleed for me...) |
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