Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Fountain of Joy's LiveJournal:

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Friday, December 6th, 2002
1:38 am	Emotional safety Lines from an email I was just writing: I don't want to be involved with anyone out of fear or need, mine or theirs. I want to be involved with someone who is emotionally healthy. I can't provide emotional safety for my partner, not because I'm not concerned for my partner, but because emotional safety is something that nobody can provide for anyone else. I can provide information and give assurances. I can conduct myself in a respectful and compassionate way. But I can't provide emotional security for anyone but myself. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 5th, 2002
11:52 pm	Does this surprise ANYONE who knows me??? Which Sesame Street Muppet's Dark Secret Are You? brought to you by Quizilla (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 27th, 2002
6:42 pm	Ogre and Unreal Stuff I went to OryCon this weekend. I was looking forward to seeing all my friends. Much to my dismay, I learned that my friend Ogre's heart had given out. We knew we'd lose him early, he was born with a disorder that caused him to just keep growing. He was 'only' 6'9" or so when we dated, but he'd grown to over 7'5" when his heart gave out. "Too big, too fast, too many drugs." We had a brief affair about 9 years ago, and he taught me to play Magic. I've been blessed, or cursed, by the ability to stay friends with my lovers when our relationships end. He was always one of the bright spots at the cons I attended, and I would often think of him and smile, just knowing he was out there somewhere. Here's to Ogre, and all the magic I got to share with him. There was a memorial service planned for 11pm Saturday night, during the dance. They weren't organized, but instead of just sitting around talking about him, they were trying to make it into some kind of organized thing, and failing completely. They rearranged the chairs, they asked people to stand in the hallway and wait.... Finally I decided that this wasn't the way I wanted to remember my friend, or the way he would have wanted to be remembered. I hope they got it together, and that the people who stayed got what they needed from it. I went to the dance and conjured him up on the floor. It was awesome! I don't know if it was real, but I felt him, and it felt like he was happy and grateful for what I was trying to do. Sometimes I have a hard time giving credence to that kind of thing, but this felt... real. I went to have a drink after an hour or so, and a VERY TALL MAN who I'd complimented earlier in the day on his coat (a reproduction of the one Lorence Fishburne wore in The Matrix) approached me. We talked for a while... and then a while longer... in fact we talked until after 4am, at which point I took him home so we could sleep. We spent the next day out together, chatting and laughing and generally having a good time. It was really cool. Seems like I conjured SOME tall guy, even if it wasn't Ogre! After he left, I went back to the party, and hung out with old friends. One of them was a guy I met when I was pregnant with my daughter, who is now 11. Monday, we went to lunch, Powells, picked up my daughter, played video games, then went to dinner. Then my other friend drove up to visit his family. Nerostorm and I hung out, read and talked... I like him way more than I would have expected, having known him for so long. So, after months of meeting guys I really like who are happy to be my friend, and want to fool around with me, but aren't interested in a Realationship, this turned out to be quite a weekend. Kinda cool! I don't know if anything will happen with either of these guys, but it feels nice that there might be possibilities there. What had the potential to be a sad weekend, turned out to be really nice. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 22nd, 2002
10:17 pm	i tend to speak in riddles, and getting a straight answer out of me is indeed a notable moment. while i may act a little crazy, i am actually quite lucid and tend to be the voice of reason. my sanity is in a good balance with my insanity. how mad are you? this quiz was made by piksy (Comment on this)
Friday, July 19th, 2002
8:00 pm	what movie symbolism are you? find out! (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 6th, 2002
2:35 pm	Subversives, communists, and the Devil's children I replied to a personal ad for the first time today Oooh, you have no idea how much your description turns me on! You sound like just the kind of man a tall, slim, sexy, rich woman with huge breasts and long legs would want! I'm really stupid, too, so I won't challenge you intellectually. I'm glad you wouldn't want to brush my waist length auburn hair. You sound like you don't bathe much, that's great. I wouldn't want to get all slippery and soapy together. I don't like nature, so it's good that you're not into walks. I'd much rather hang out on the couch, eating potato chips dipped in mayonnaise and watching sporting events on TV. Especially golf. And wrestling. I don't cook much, but when I do cook it's always the greasiest. I deep fry everything. Nothing steamed or baked. Whenever a recipe calls for water or white wine, I use chicken fat. Wait, what am I talking about, I don't cook from recipes! I just put chicken fat in everything I cook! Mostly, I don't like to cook anything that might require me to get my hands dirty. Preprocessed foods are the best! All my food comes from a can, a box, or the freezer, like those little pizza rolls. I don't like to try anything with any kind of texture. I only eat white bread. Sometimes I might use ketchup, but I don't believe in fancy foods like mustard. Sushi is bait. But I don't like bait, because I don't like fish. Or chicken. I just get the fat and throw the chicken away. I only eat beef. Everything I cook has beef in it. Or vegetarians. I don't like music or books or film or art of any kind. Or dance. I hate dance. Why do people dance? Why would anybody want to dance, let alone watch anybody else dance? I mean, why would somebody pay to sit with a bunch of stuck up jerks and watch somebody run around making a fool of themselves, when they could be watching a sporting event on TV??? WHY?? Enough about me, let's talk about you for a minute. You sound like such a sexy hunk! Do you live in a dumpster, or your mom's trailer? I really want a guy who loves his mother! I'm glad to hear you're not the sort of man who's into any kind of yoga or crazy woo-woo. I'm not looking for a guy who's interested in exploration or spirituality or any of that kind of stuff. I don't want you to grow or change, either. It's really best if you're not into thinking much. I don't think I'd like tantra. I mean, wouldn't that mean I'd have to enjoy sex? Nope, that's not for me. I'd rather just lay still and wait for you to get done. I'm a little concerned about your interest in magazines. The kind of man I'm looking for, wouldn't read magazines. He might read the labels on things, just to make sure he's not getting anything healthy. But only until we're married, and then I'll make all those kinds of decisions for him. Oh, and he wouldn't ever read the directions for anything. I'm glad to hear that you agree with our government about the national parks. I think we should always agree with the government about everything. Except that I think we should be able to discriminate against anyone we want to. I think everyone should have the same religion and the same ideas, and if they don't we should be able to stone them. And I trust the man I elected to be our president, to make those decisions for me. Tongue firmly in... cheek. Kate -- How we shape our understanding of others' lives is determined by what we find memorable in them, and that in turn is determined not by any potentially accurate overview of another's personality but rather by the tension and balance that exist in our daily relationships. --Tom Robbins, _Even Cowgirls Get The Blues_ Current Mood: amused Current Music: Throwing Muses (Comment on this)
Friday, July 5th, 2002
9:02 am	Morning after Independence Yesterday there was a helicopter flying overhead, it sounded really low. All day, from every direction, I'd heard whistles, explosions, and sirens. I thought about people who live in areas where war is an immediate daily fact of life. It seems weird to me somehow, to set off little bombs to celebrate war.... I'm just freaking out and feeling antisocial and really wanting to be around some people and not wanting to be around other people and not wanting to be around lots of people at all and really not wanting to be around anyone, and mad at everyone but loving them all too. I'm mad because the world isn't the way I want it, and I know how ridiculous that all is, but it's still the way I feel!!! I was Queen of Fucking Everything! The big hair rocker chick told me so! I lost my crown, though.... There was this stripper clothing store downtown, can't think of the name of it, by Callin's Novelties.... I think she owned the place, but she might have just worked there. I can't imagine talking like that, if I could lose my job! On the other hand, I'm not a big hair rocker chick. Once in a while when I was living with the goths I would create some outlandish hair, but I'd seen this woman walking around all over town for years, and her hair was always like three feet wide! :> I think it's kinda funny that I had seen her around for years, and the first time she spoke to me was the last time I saw her. It was Halloween, I'd bought a cheap plastic crown next door. I was looking at something in the store, and put the crown on my head to free up my hands. This woman walked up to me, smiled, and said, "Who are you, Queen of Fucking Everything?" I'd like to think I said something like, "Why, yes!" I don't really remember, though. I went to ariche and arrowhawk's bbq thing last night. I was just going to be alone for Independence Day, I was pouting about how independent (alone) I felt. I decided that I really ought to go out and spend some time with people if I wanted to feel connected to them! :) It was fun, low-key. No fireworks. Good food, good company. Someone kept wanting to write down things I said, and one quote did getwritten down! :> I hung out and played video games, sitting on the floor and eventually the ground outside, in a lovely sleeveless red dress.... I discovered Sauza Diablo. They're fizzy margarita in a bottle. Better than your run of the mill soda-booze, but still soda-booze. This morning I woke up with a bit of a hangover, and I need to go pay my rent. Everything takes longer by bike, bus, and MAX. Weird dreams this morning, something about being driven until I'm broken.... I don't remember the dreams, I just remember waking up from them, with words that were very clear at the time, but I didn't write them down. :( Something about being driven until I'm broken. It seems like something someone said to me right before I woke up, but it's not clear who it was or what the context was. Ever since I was very young I've had dreams rich with occult content of a sexual nature. Kidnapped to secret gardens, taught concepts and techniques. Mounting statuary. Being taken, sometimes willingly, sometimes without my consent, by priests, angels, demons, animals.... This has the feel of that sort of dream. Perhaps I will remember more later. (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 4th, 2002
6:49 pm	Spinning 21 speeds of pumping, thrusting, straining, panting fun. Feet locked to pedals of excellent red steed, my extension. Swaying, lean turns. Push, spinning faster, racing cars, living large: keep it in the big ring! Wind and I rush by each other. Hear my ragged breath, the whir of my wheels. Current Music: Love and Rockets (Comment on this)
6:27 pm	Independence Day Recently I've been thinking a lot about all the ways in which I've been living my life for other people. Last night I visited a friend, ended up crashing at his place. This morning I woke up and I was thinking about independence. I've got a lot of really wonderful friends, and yet I feel disconnected. I know that I touch many, many lives. Yet on some level I feel like if I was gone, nobody would notice until they wanted me to DO something. It's not that they don't value me, it's just that they all know that I've got a lot going on, and so nobody expects to see a lot of me. I don't tend to be regularly available to go do stuff, and so people get tired of calling me, and I miss out on a lot of fun that way. Current Mood: Disconnected Current Music: Sibelius- Symphony No. 1 in e minor (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 3rd, 2002
1:03 pm	Oracle http://www.antispin.net/~martine/cgi-bin/insanity.cgi?YourPaidMemberAccountHere And the meanings are you? Kate is her family! I want to look at ideas and lovemaking, the characters didn't think I went into Google Kate is on her good severance deal, of you that I'm starting to know I however, that easier between them. Now (that it's I wasn't writing)! Pissed off, the recording yet, I'm not a copy of self esteem I don't know to work on the big house, played video games. My car is part of confidence in another branch of the rear axle, front drive axle, front end axle, front drive axle, front drive axle, front problem is the most beautiful set of self confidence in quotes, giving this off well, I don't know there's a lack of It also a VW that even help out. Danyelle who desires and I really good at ideas and writhed around on some thoughts while I was she being just too broken, and I missed a woman and she's much. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 2nd, 2002
8:52 pm	A flower, not so delicate what's your inner flower? [c] s u g a r d e w (Comment on this)
Monday, July 1st, 2002
8:51 pm	Transportation Issues My car is broken, and too broken to fix, at that. I know many of you won't be surprised at all to hear that. I'm not surprised. Pissed off, well, yeah, but not surprised. Seems the rear axle, front drive axle, exhaust, and a great deal of the front end are just hosed. I knew the front end had issues, I really didn't expect it to be a rear end issue that killed the car. My ex husband got laid off recently, and got a good severance deal, so he's going to give me three months of child support in a lump sum, to help out. Of course, it also means that my income for the next three months will be greatly diminished, but it will allow me to buy a car that's likely to run for a while. He's a good guy. Not a good husband for me, but a good guy none the less. I know there's a VW squareback down the street, in nice shape, that I could afford. I'm not sure I want to take on another VW that I will have to work on. Bleh. Car buying sucks. (Comment on this)
Friday, June 28th, 2002
5:47 pm	Self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth Odd thing. I feel better about myself than I ever have before. I am more comfortable with myself than I ever remember. Yet, I'm hearing more from my friends about my lack of self-esteem than ever. Was I just too pitiful for anyone to even bother saying something about it before, or what??? In giving this some thought, I've been looking up definitions. Initially, I was inclined to say that I have plenty of self-esteem, I KNOW I kick ass! I decided that it was a lack of self-confidence. I haven't lived up to my high opinion of myself, so I don't have a lot of confidence in that opinion. Being just kinda bold and in-your-face by nature covers this lack of self-confidence. Now, however, I'm starting to look at ideas about self-respect. S suggested that he didn't think I had any trouble with confidence, except in those areas where my lack of self-esteem gets in the way. Self-confidence is an outer manifestation of inner self-esteem. Self-respect has to do with the way you treat yourself, and I guess I can see where I don't treat myself very well sometimes. L says she thinks my biggest blind spot is all the ways in which I sell myself short. I know this probably all seems like splitting hairs, but I feel like I need to know what the problem is before I can work on it. I keep running up against the idea that questioning is part of my nature. Questioning everything, including my own ideas and opinions. So I don't know how to do this 'freedom from doubt' thing. Anyway, just some thoughts while I avoid talking to customers. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 25th, 2002
9:44 am	"Kate is" Saw this on Content's journal, thought I'd give it a try. pserv's game rules: type "yourname is" (in quotes) into Google Kate is continuing to work steadily... Exuberant `Kate' is darn hot... Kate Is Great. Kate is also a truly striking woman, and one of the most beautiful women on the planet. Kate is the proverbial ''one woman Rock band '', once seen, never forgotten. Kate is the oppressively heavy, rust-encrusted anchor... Kate is looking to pass the ball... Kate is all manufactured... Kate is on Fire. Kate is a woman of strength with a great deal of integrity... Kate is now working on her own original novel. Kate is tooo fast. Kate is her helpful alter-ego... Kate is loved by her fans for both her quirky sense of humor and her good looks. Kate is funny and don't know to much. Kate is the high ground... Kate is plannin' on not having a care in the world!!! Looks like Kate is on a roll!!!! (Comment on this)
Monday, June 24th, 2002
8:08 pm	Derivation of the word whore Unfortunately some of the characters didn't translate, but the meanings are cool. Word History: Derivatives of Indo-European roots have often acquired starkly contrasting meanings. A prime example is the case of the root *k-, “to like, desire.” From it was derived a stem *kro-, from which came the prehistoric Common Germanic word *hraz with the underlying meaning “one who desires” and the effective meaning “adulterer.” The feminine of this, *hrn-, became hre in Old English, the ancestor of Modern English whore. In another branch of the Indo-European family, the same stem *kro- produced the Latin word crus, “dear.” This word has several derivatives borrowed into English, including caress, cherish, and charity, in Christian doctrine the highest form of love and the greatest of the theological virtues. ·Another derivative of the root *k- in Indo-European was *kmo-, a descendant of which is the Sanskrit word for “love,” kma, appearing in the name of the most famous treatise on love and lovemaking, the Kamasutra. (Comment on this)
6:43 pm	I'm Virginal Madonna, who are you? Madonna Quiz by Turi. (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 23rd, 2002
6:17 pm	Lazy Sunday Well, last night's Summer Solstice ritual was just Amazing. E was gorgeous as Cleopatra. I went into ecstatic dance mode and writhed around on the floor and screamed a lot. I want to get a copy of the poem that was read during the ritual, it gave me shivers. Stopped at the big house, played video games with N last night. Crashed on the couch, went for coffee with J's friend from Eugene in the morning. Spent most of the day playing more video games. M hasn't danced in two weeks, and she's sprained her ankle TWICE, she was over limping around. Thinking about snacking on some mushrooms before the workshop tonight. Need to go like NOW! (Comment on this)
Friday, June 21st, 2002
11:01 pm	Solstice thoughts Well, I've always thought of Summer Solstice as being the marriage of the God and the Goddess. As the departure of Father Sun, today makes a lot more sense. Haven't written for ages.... I think when last I wrote, I was unemployed and single. Well, I got a job doing tech support for DirecTV Broadband. I've had a couple of dead-end relationships, the latest of which appears to be in its death throes. It's a shame, too, because this one was, despite being a dirty hippie , very compatible. However, he's too unstable for me to feel emotionally safe with him. Getting more confidence in my role as Feast Goddess. Nice that even when my helper deserts on me at the last minute, I know I can pull this off without him. Anyway, stuff to do, looking forward to reading the journals of all my friends who joined while I wasn't writing! :> (Comment on this)
Monday, March 18th, 2002
7:17 am	Monday morning, I've forgotten already what I did on Friday.... Saturday morning at 6am I had an interview for a promotion. I think I didi really well. Looking forward to getting off the phones. Saturday evening I helped with papier mache for the set of The Ship. I missed a party that I really wanted to go to, because I thought it was Sunday night. Sunday I re-recorded my part for Dreamquest. It was fun. I haven't hear the recording yet, but it FELT really good! :> Today I went home sick after an hour. I feel better now that I'm home, but I also feel guilty for being at home instead of helping out at work. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, December 14th, 2001
7:19 pm	On Proper Time and the Universe I'm cleaning out my email and putting relevant info in backdate. I was stopping by a friend's house before I took Danyelle to her play group therapy thing, and my car started making this weird noise. It sounded like a wheel thing, you know, speeding up when the car speeds up, slowing down when the car slows down, that sort of thing. My teacher had really wanted to do the Master Teacher class, which would have required my participation. I didn't really feel like I was compelled, or even necessarily ready, to do it yet. He wanted to , and I was going along with it. The more serious fuckage of the last couple of weeks seemed to have started about the same time as that decision. Suspecting that the car was going to cost serious money to repair, I finally just told him I couldn't do the class. About half an hour later, my friend called to tell me that the other carpool mom had decided SHE was doing the morning shift, which meant that Kate could help me get Danyelle to school on time. Otherwise, she would have helped out, but we would have been late for Danyelle's school. This morning, after we dropped Danyelle off at school, I was telling my friend that I thought it was pretty cool that right after I made that decision, something had turned around and gotten less annoying. I said, "Wouldn't it be funny if there was nothing wrong with my car, if it was just a stick caught in the wheel." Well, of course, that's exactly what it was. Isn't the universe a funny place? My teacher has often told me that if it's not time for us to do something, the Universe will get in our way. (Comment on this)