Zac Waters' LiveJournal

Subject:	Just another night
Time:	11:39 am.
Mood:	amused.
Music:	Hood - They Removed All Trace That Anything Had Ever Happened Here.

I went out to the Exit last night to celebrate my friend Ginger's 21st. We didn't get moving till about 2 in the morning, but that's the way it goes. Hillary comes and picks us up from my house and she has her boyfriend's friend Paul with her. This kid is already wasted before we even get to the bar. We're on our way to the bar and we're setting fireworks off out the windows of Hillary's little jeep. Good times. Then we get to the Exit and you know booze booze and a little more booze. Ginger vomits in the bathroom but it's her 21st. That's the way it works. Blah blah blah. Now comes the good part. Hillary takes me and Paul to the train stop. Paul lives one stop away from me. I hung out with this kid once and ran into him on the train once, so needless to say I don't know him all that well. We're sitting waiting for the train when the subject turns to women. He starts telling me about how his girlfriend likes to have casual conversation while having sex with him. I asked him what he meant. He starts giving me an example. I will try to give you a reenactment of the conversation he told me about.

Paul: grunt grunt grunt unhh
Girl: unh oh unh oh let's talk
Paul: arrrunh ohh so I met this kid on the train today
Girl: oh yeah is that right
Paul: yeah he is a friend of a friend that I met once before
Girl: so what's he like
Paul: oh he does hair
Girl: really? what kind of hair does he do?
Paul: I'm not sure he cut a few girls hair I know
Girl: is he nice?
Paul: hold on I need to cum on your ass.... arungh *pop* ok that's better so what were you saying?

I am just cracking up as he is telling me this. I am trying to really let this sink in. He was talking about me while having sex with his girlfriend. That was one of the few times I felt weird while someone was tell me about there sex life. I am not going to talk about the time that couple wanted to put me in diapers and call me there baby. That is a story for another day. I think there will be more festivities tonight and maybe some more good stories will come out of it. Same bat time.

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Subject:	Late night post
Time:	3:57 am.
Mood:	I am what I am.
Music:	Color Filter - eight bits of information of you.

The more I experience different types of people the more I see that everyone is looking for someone that is just like them. I do not feel like anyone else. I feel like an observer. I don't fit in anywhere because I don't establish any firm beliefs, styles, fetishes, tastes. That is the way I want it to be. I do not want to be defined as my tastes. They have nothing to do with who I am or who I am not. Maybe I am just drunk and a little lonely. Maybe I am just trying to clear my head of things that are plaguing me that I can't identify. I think I just need to purge. The girl I am seeing I think plays a big part in the way I am feeling right now. She could just be an emotional scapegoat right now but I am feeling a lot that is directed at her right now so it doesn't really matter now does it. I feel both extremes for this girl. At one moment I care about her more then I do myself at the next I wish she would just leave me alone. This relationship is one confused man coupled with one disturbed woman. I don't know what I want and she doesn't know what she has. Why do all the women that I fall for I hate to a certain extent. Is that what love is or is that just my twisted view of it from what I have experienced from it. I like the full range of what ever I am experiencing at the moment. I don't think I am going to get much satisfaction from writing in this thing so I am going to try to sleep.

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Subject:	My day with Miss Maya
Time:	5:40 pm.
Mood:	not sure see for yourself.
Music:	Super Furry Animals - It's Not The End Of The World-.

I just had the best day downtown in the park with Maya. We were to meet at the cultural center, but I started walking the wrong way off the train. Oh well we weren't too far off when we did meet. I saw her coming from a block away. It's not that she looks all that different from all the others on the street it's just that she has this certain something.... hmmm je ne sais quoi So yeah we walked around to the lake and sat on some benches for an hour or so just talking and kissing the day away. Then we saw this woman in a green dress walk past us. We both looked at each other and wondered where she was going. So what do normal people do when they wonder something? They ignore it like it wasn't there. We followed her for a while but she didn't seem like she was going anywhere interesting. I wanted to keep following just for the voyeuristic quality of the situation, but Maya grew bored. We stopped and sat in the shade for a little while longer and then started spinning is circles, you know like when you were a kid trying to make yourself dizzy. For lack of anything better to do we walked again. We ended up on this bridge that had construction going on underneath it. The center piece of the site was this ten story crane. Quite a few people stopped to watch this grandiose scene. I thought we should try to go down to the ground floor and get a better view. She didn't want to but I went for it anyway. When I was down there I looked up to her and waved then came back up. Hahaha. Shut up. So anyway we went into the cultural center and pushed some buttons. Looked at some art in the park and the day was perfect..... well sort of.

What to say about a girl like Maya. When I'm with her the blaze burns bright. This inferno consumes me inspires me burns me teases me kills me. And for this I feed it. I know in my heart that no matter how I feel for her she will never be mine. I am starting to understand that I might not want her to be either. Some of the attraction that she has is that she is free. She doesn't buy into the thoughts that are pounded into peoples brains from birth. Ideas of God, kids, tv, blah blah blah. I think I am getting off the subject, but it's hard not to when you are trying to explain a feeling to a reader that isn't feeling what you are. Let me give you a example of what I like about her. She was telling me this story about something and something in the story didn't go right and she start spouting off about how she can't believe that Satan didn't help her out after all that she has done for him. Uh I think I forgot where I was going with that one :-) I know what you are thinking, "but Zac I know tons of other girls just like her." That is just not true. She has such a passion for life even if she is obsessed with death. She is my crying shining angel. I want to hold her in my closet and make her mine and never let her see the daylight unless I want her to. Haha fun. In reality that can't happen. If it did I would grow complacent and not want anything to do with her anymore. No this can not be the way. When she leaves, and of that there is no doubt, what I want of her is simple. I don't want her to remember me. I don't even need her to think of me from time to time. I don't lie to myself with idea of me being more then just a glimmer in her eye for a moment. In fact that is the way I want it. She is not the one who I want to spend the rest of my life with. She will be leaving and she doesn't need any more scar tissue. Not that she would let me cause her any. She keeps her distance like I try to keep mine. What I want for her is for her to just be a part of this world for as long as she chooses. I fear that she won't be long for this world unless she learns to stop battling internal pain with external pain. If suicide is the way she goes then so be it. Her pain will be gone but the pain of all the people she touched along the way will be deep. I think I am going to hell for saying that. Oh well see you there. I have to go school now.

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Subject:	just looking out my window on a beautiful morning
Time:	9:31 am.
Mood:	not stuck in a cute little box.
Music:	Gomez - Get Miles.

I am up early today. I am gong to school and will stay there till 10 tonight. It will be so much fun. I'm not nude for this post. Although I would like to be it is so damn hot here. Even with air condition and a fan. Not that I am complaining about a thing. I am in a place that I have grown to accept. I have food in my belly and a roof over my head (for the time being) So I mean what do I have to complain about. The future always has a way of working itself out before it gets here so there is no need to worry. It is such a beautiful day to play with duct tape Yay. I am going to interview with Green Peace tomorrow. Weird huh, me? Green Peace? I will try not to talk about my passion for eating dead animals (cooked of course). I found out they are looking form my roommates one female friend. I am not going to start talking about women on this post I just don't have the time at all. Stalkers doms and psychos, Oh my! Maybe later. I have to leave for school. Oh look the weather has cooled down just for me.

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Time:	12:57 am.
Mood:	discontent.
Music:	Death Cab for Cutie - Song for Kelly Huckaby.

It has been a long time since I have written anything in this. I'm not sure why I haven't. So much has happened since my last post. Too much to write about right now. I think I should start by writing about where I am now. I have officially survived winter. It was a beautiful day today. It's still great out. I am inside. This is strange it's kind of like talking to an old friend that I haven't talked to for a year. I feel like I have aged so much over this winter. My lease is up at the end of the month. Me and my roommate are getting along great, and are renewing. I have had this apartment for almost a year now. It doesn't seem like any time has gone by at all, but it feels like years since I was living at home. I can't remember the last time I saw my Mom. I'm not even sure if she saw my apartment. I miss her. A lot. I didn't even realize it till just now. I'm living my life now. I have my own place, and have kept it for a year now. I have a job that just gets me by. I am in school and doing wonderfully. I should be having the time of my life right? I am just so scared of it all falling apart right in front of my eyes. I just don't feel like myself half the time. I work at a job where it's all about the exterior. The substance doesn't doesn't matter as long as you look good. That is the ideology of the management, and I think a lot of the employees buy into that weather they admit it or not. I'm not saying that that's wrong just because that's not the thought process I subscribe to. I just think there is more to life the what we see. I can't tell if this job is helping me get to know myself better or taking me further and further away. I don't know if my complaints are justified or if I just want to run away because it's hard on me. I have a job interview tomorrow morning. When I made the appointment with the woman I was so excited. Now a week later I'm not so sure. I don't know if I'm not happy there because of the way things are run or if it's just my own unhappiness just projected on something. I look up to my roommate more than he knows. I don't know if it's just the way I want to see him but he seems like he's a bit more at peace with himself than me. I want to find some peace, but I don't know where to look, or if looking is even the right way to go about finding it. I am starting to ramble now so I'm going to sleep. I feel better now that I have gotten this all off of my chest. I want to type in this more often so hopefully these posts won't be so far apart. Good night world.

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