fallen   
09:03pm 12/11/2004
 
mood: melancholy
music: fallen ~:~ sarah mclachlan
Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...		  
     Post
 
-_-   
06:02pm 06/11/2004
 
mood: blah
music: if i ain't got you ~:~ alicia keys
argh... i don't know what to say. i don't even really have the energy or inspiration to ramble much. sorry.		  
     Post
 
my first EVER accurate horoscope from tarot.com   
07:26pm 24/07/2004
 
mood: cheerful
music: american woman ~:~ the guess who
Although you may be trying to be fair and even-handed, you really do have an agenda -- and there's nothing wrong with admitting it. You feel as if you really want to make a change in the way things are, even if you have to fight city hall. You are willing to do whatever needs to be done. Remember, you can be most effective if you act from your heart and not from your head. 		 
     Post
 
obsessfest part II   
02:11pm 24/07/2004
 
mood: tired
music: blue on black ~:~ kenny wayne shepherd
he plays guitar! *falls over* captain!sean (so many puns, so little time!) WATER SIGN (pisces, 3/15/83, a mere 24 hrs after our other favorite pisces, taylor hanson...) does it get any better than this? well, once i'm done poring over his site, i'll let you know. photographer, likes aerosmith, the beatles, and douglas adams. makes me feel like a useless, inept, untalented and uncultured slob. which is, well, the truth. if i didn't love him so much, i'd hate him. but then again, i've traveled that road before. although, as it *is* 2am, i'm off to bed. i need to sleep. maybe tomorrow i should look at getting my ass back into school.		  
     Post
 
Scottish!   
12:35pm 24/07/2004
 
mood: amused
music: all things ~:~ widelife feat. nina simone
HMPH!

Now, see... I remember trying to introduce deanna to the wonderfully beautifulness of our(MY!) beloved Oliver Wood. That is, Sean Biggerstaff. And I remember saying something like "He's gorgeous... and Scottish *swoon*" and then being corrected...
"Irish" yeah. And generally whatevering but arguing that Seamus was the Irish one. But giving in, because what the hell does it matter? Except. He's Scottish. MWAHA... *falls over* I still want the pink and green Ireland t-shirt, and I'm not going to gloat too much, because the person with which i picked this minor fight happens to be the very same that gave me my sexy Hanson/AF-hasn't-cameron-crowe-taken-your-asses-to-court-yet??? icon which i love so veryveryvery much. and i happen to like her. y'know... she's my best friend thingy ;)

but... dammit. i so knew that!		  
     Post
 
*SQUEE*   
10:17pm 25/06/2004
 
mood: SQUEEEEEEEEE
music: let's get it started ~:~ black eyed peas
*dies*

CARO AND I WENT TO THE SEXIEST WALDENBOOKS EVER TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It had an entire WALL of manga. Not an entire shelf, but an entire WALL. THREE SHELVES OF MANGA. ONE SHELF OF MERCHANDISE. TEESHIRTS. WALLSCROLLS.

*faints*

If you're ever in the Lancaster Penn area, go visit the Waldenbooks in the Park City mall. You will flail and squeal and be completely nerdy, but that's okay, BECAUSE THEY HAVE AN ENTIRE WALL OF MANGA.

also... notice my sexy new icon... courtesy of the photoshopping goddess pk. yes, yes, i know you're drooling. *kleenex*

.
.
.
.


*still fangirling...*		  
     Post
 
the chocolate wrappers told me to...   
04:18pm 22/05/2004
 
mood: happy
music: you and i both ~:~ jason mraz
i called joel today.		  
     Read 1 - Post
 
newness   
04:18pm 22/05/2004
 
music: meaning ~:~ gavin degraw
Reach in my pocket for a bill that isn't there
And to face all of the undoings
Still isn't more than I can bear
Love has a reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love

new things:

email address: heartfistvoice@yahoo.com (use this one, kurokitty's for junkmail)
blog: http://speaklikeachild.blogspot.com
future website: http://www.angelfire.com/indie/heartfistvoice (all that's on it so far is a link to a tagboard/guestbook thing. drop by... say hello, or something...)

and i think that's really all for now.		  
     Post
 
picking up where i left off...   
11:27pm 14/05/2004
 
mood: bouncy
music: this love ~:~ maroon 5
yeah, i had planned to post up to wednesday. but got stuck on... monday? i think.

tuesday was actually good. it was like, a laurnie power day. looked good, felt good, was awesome. lol. i needed it.

then, ooo... yeah, then. i got home. and there was actually MAIL! WOOT! Okay, you see... there was this stupid construction happening on my street, and so for the longest time, they were holding our mail, and we'd have to go to the post office to pick it up, and post offices have dumb hours and so they were closed most of the times that we'd be able to do it, and it was just generally annoying, right?

Well, not today! Fwee! And I got a letter from Sandra... with a CD and some saucy pics of Mr. Benny... heh heh... so I took the CD and gave it the midnight drive test.

awesomeness. it more than passed. i *heart* sandra mixes! *flailiness* and just general sandra crackheadyness (read: illustrations from the tale of Rypunzel) she MUST come to the US.

and finally... midnight drives are just good, cleansing-y things that make you happy. take them often.		  
     Post
 
she is someone she's not meant to be...   
02:39pm 14/05/2004
 
music: alice through the looking glass ~:~ tal bachman
there's a lonely heart
in this grown up girl
she lives a lonely life
at the end of the world
she disbelieves everything she sees
and lives a life of unreality

she's a question no one wants to ask
she is alice through the looking glass
she is someone she's not meant to be
keeps her face behind an iron mask
she is alice through the looking glass

she works overtime on overload
she calls the shots
doesn't feel in control
a dagger tongue and a plastic smile
she turned heart of stone
but can't remember why

she's the question no one wants to ask
she is alice through the looking glass
she is someone she's not meant to be
keeps her face behind an iron mask
she is alice through the looking glass

this is her life
why should she fake it
no matter why, no matter how ancient
it's your soul and you can't shake it

she's the ever changing holograph
she's alice through the looking glass
she is someone she's not meant to be
keeps her face behind an iron mask
she is alice through the looking glass		  
     Post
 
ambivalence   
12:11pm 13/05/2004
 
mood: confused
music: growing on me ~:~ the darkness
Main Entry: am·biv·a·lence
Pronunciation: am-'bi-v&-l&n;(t)s
Function: noun
Etymology: International Scientific Vocabulary
1 : simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action
2 a : continual fluctuation (as between one thing and its opposite) b : uncertainty as to which approach to follow
- am·biv·a·lent /-l&nt;/ adjective
- am·biv·a·lent·ly adverb

(as a side note, mainly for deanna: when i went to m-w.com to paste this definition, "disingenuous" was the word of the day... *grin*)

( bonus definition )

i posted the definition of ambivalence merely to kind of drive home the point about why i chose it to describe the whole er... james thing.

cuz it's just like that. and a little bit like the song "growing on me" by the darkness. and somewhere in between, there you have it.

but to get specific. i keep thinking maybe i like him, but then i think i don't because i don't want to because... well, why the hell would i want to?

i mean, he's cool, we get along. that's good. it's also just about how i feel about everyone ELSE i work with, so... it's really *not* a big deal. except it so IS. erg. okay, are you beginning to see what i mean? as i'm SOOO articulate lately.

it's just that... for me, i need for us to come to like an understanding... thing. because he's so air and i'm so water, dammit. like it just doesn't work out for it to be like that. because i always feel like i'm really dumb when i KNOW i'm not. and it's not his fault, but... that's how it is. so maybe i don't really like him. i think. but i *do* want to get over feeling bad because i'm cups and not swords, y'know? okay, it's like he's raven, and i'm starfire... and oh... no one watches the teen titans? forget it. but anyway... erg... this is too complicated for journal-ness.		  
     Read 4 - Post
 
erg...   
11:49am 13/05/2004
 
mood: frustrated
music: mexico ~:~ hawksley workman
so then there's monday. and i don't remember much except for feeling way sick. again. trying to hold it together, do an RTV (well, two, actually)... and then helplessly watching my IQ plummet to somewhere in the negatives when james came in. i am still fighting for excuses to explain why this happens. if you have any good ones, let me know.

however, i got it back. just in time to get him back for correcting my grammar. cuz, y'know... 3:15-6:45 is THREE and a half hours, love. not four and a half. *evil take-that!-bitch giggles*

anyway, after just two and a half hours of this nonsense... i got to go home. and i did. cuz i felt... ughhhh...

before i go on to tuesday, though... i'll throw in a post explaining the whole james... thing. because... feedback. lol		  
     Post
 
   
11:13am 13/05/2004
 
mood: cynical
music: this ruined puzzle ~:~ dashboard confessional
as far as i know, this all started on mother's day. which started out pretty well, as far as i know. you see how this is bad, already? i don't know too damn much, apparently. but yeah, so the day before i'd gotten too very cool skirts and a WAY kawaii handbag, a very awesome bracelet... and my mother's day gifts. yay! so when sunday comes, i have a ton of fun new stuff to wear, so i spend the morning getting prepared to wear lots of this stuff. and it's totally fun. and then we go out. and it's my mom, gary, my grandmother, and me... and it's kind of fun. not like *real* fun, but y'know how these things sort of are.

it was cool, there was lots of yummy food. i ate some of it. then we came home... and that's when i started to feel all like... ugh... y'know, just... gross.

i didn't automatically think it must have been the food, because i'd gotten a similar kind of ughhh... all week. but this one was particularly bad. so i sat on the couch while it was GORGEOUS outside, and sat there for about four and a half hours watching a Queer Eye Mother's Day marathon. now, i *do* love QE, don't get me wrong... but it's not as much fun with the accompanying ugh... y'know?

sooooo... when i finally feel good enough to get up and do something. i decide to go out for a walk. i finally change out of my skirt and all that, and into a t-shirt and jeans sort of thing. put on my sneakers, go outside and start walking. i didn't plan on going far... but after spending that much time on a couch, you just want to *move*.

i go outside and it starts to rain. now, anyone smart would have stopped there, but it was only a light drizzle--nevermind the huge black storm clouds of impending DOOM.... so, I decided to keep walking anyway, but i'd make it a shorter one. i'm not even to the end of my street when a car pulls up and ask me if i need a ride because there's a HUGE storm coming. i decline, mention i'm really not far from my house if it gets bad (hell, at this point i can still even SEE it)... and keep walking. because i'm an idiot. so, i get around the corner and the rain starts to get heavier... and *shrug* i don't care, cuz what? i'm too cool for weather or something? well, the truth is i have an agenda... i was on a mission. the dammit-leave-me-alone-i-just-want-to-go-for-a-walk mission. so i keep walking, another car pulls over, to see if i need a ride. no! what's with all this asking, anyway? then it starts to pour, it was like big, heavy, standing-under-a-waterfall rain. so i figured i'd take a shortcut home. got stopped by ANOTHER car. declined. because i'm proud like that. i don't need nobody. yeah, tha's right. thunder, lightning... i don't care... which is good, cuz uh... it started to do just that. didn't bother the unflappable walkin'-in-the-pouring-rain laurnie. nope. what FINALLY got me to turn around was the hail. y'know, tiny pieces of ice hurdled at you at very high velocities can sting like hell when they hit you. finally pissed off and wet enough to just go home, i turned around and walked back, getting sprayed with tiny ice pellets the whole way back. insult to injury. or perhaps the other way around. my plans were finally defeated and now i was getting stung with little kamikaze-like ice pellets.

but it was actually fun. i mean i didn't really care, i just wanted to walk... even in the rain, and i did. i was even kind of proud that i managed to hold out so long.
but that's not the point. i changed into dry clothes and just went to bed. and that was the first day. i think... it might have been a foreshadowing, possibly, of how things were going to go. (butireallyreallyhopenot)		  
     Post
 
   
11:11am 13/05/2004
  if all goes according to plan... i'm going to be writing a little string of livejournal entries... if not, say, one of the parents unexpectedly comes home... i'ma bail. but... erg... the past few days have been such that it'd really just be good to bitch, so wish me luck!  
     Post
 
"i said it once before, but it bears repeating..."   
12:33pm 29/04/2004
 
mood: pensive
music: fell in love with a boy ~:~ joss stone
"Never become complacent. Never think that, once you've come to
a place that you like, there are no other places to go.

Always look to the horizon. And move.
Always pick up and move...
forward."


i've recently come to realize that i wrote all this for a reason. i mean, maybe i didn't realize even when i wrote it how important or true it would become. but i'm probably going to be in pennsylvania for another two years. that much i can pretty much bank on. however... that doesn't mean i have to put my life on hold. i can't just wait for tennessee to come back to me. there are things i can and *should* do in the meantime. i used to love it here before... i think i can love it here now. there's no reason why i shouldn't.

i needed to read this again, and remind myself what my values really are. what i believe is that i never have to settle for anything. i'm not "stuck" anywhere. i'm here. that's how my life is right now, but it shouldn't have to be a punishment. no one's forcing me to not enjoy it. because God knows, i'm going to miss it here when i *do* leave. that's just how i am. sentimental to the very end, and always looking back. but i don't have to. this is all about the challenge to not just look forward and dream forward, but to *move* forward. that's why i'm here.

and i really believe that maybe, if i had stayed in murfreesboro... i would have turned into someone i wouldn't have liked. being at home now, i feel like i need to be here. because all of this difficulty and frustration, has proven to be quite useful in figuring out the bigger picture. the who i am questions, and the why am i here questions, and the what do i want out of life questions... and i know that i really want to go back to tennessee. i do. but i want to earn it this time, and i want to go back with the commitment and resolve to finish what i started this time.

i don't know really how to explain all the revelations i've been feeling lately. but i've made up my mind to acknowledge the fact that in everything, i am truly blessed. and i have the choice to feel that way. i know not everyone who reads my journal is of the same faith, but as one who does believe in God... catching even the slightest glimpse of His purpose behind your everyday mystery is UNIMAGINABLY fulfilling.

happy. and that's where i am right now.		  
     Post
 
good enough for now, and thoughts i've been having lately, part 2   
11:58am 29/04/2004
 
mood: chipper
music: if i had a million dollars ~:~ barenaked ladies
yeah, so i changed my livejournal layout back to one of the default ones. why? because my image hosting service became more expensive than it was worth to me at the moment. aside from that... it was really hard to read on top of vash, so i'ma have to find a different way to Trigun-ify my layout. i really liked my cowboy bebop one though... Spike and Julia are just so right on that layout. perfect... but gone.

so i'm doin' this soft blue and white thing... and it's good enough for now, right? easy to read, kinda stylish, liveable... and i can re-customize it later.

now for a look inside my seemingly crack-addicted head (beware):

so i'm thinking that my neighbors probably think i'm crazy... and possibly a very bad dancer, but who needs them when i have "paper shoes"

and speaking of "paper shoes"... i just walked into borders, quite randomly and ordered a copy of "for him and the girls" what can i say? girl needs her hawksley.

i have the COOLEST hat. and today i'ma wear it with pride. yes.

so, laptop is back, i have to pick it up today... hopefully it'll work. they didn't do anything to it, though, so i guess i'll just have to suffer through whatever problems it has. it'll be good to have it back though.

i've been CLEANING lately. yes... CLEANING. and doing laundry. not AS unusual, but still pretty damn good.

i sold a tie to a guy named Ryan Byler. i wanted to tell sandra sooooo bad. RYAN... *snort* BYLER!!! HA!

speaking of byler... what's the hold up on the production of much byler fic? i neeeeeeeeed it. ryabilly would be fine as well... but come on... like how many people walk into your store whose name is Benny Ryabilly? yeah. didn't think so.

also... amelie is a great movie... which i now own! yaaayyyyy!!!

HANSON!!!!!1111oneoneone

so, ugh... then there's the clay issue. now he's a mean, evil princess and nobody likes him anymore. but i still wanna see him in concert. but do i *really* want to support a REAL asshat? no! i hate mean people. *cry*

www.bsom.com i'm seriously thinking about doing one of their programs, until i can go back to TN. feedback? please.

fucking EVERYONE i know is getting married. or it feels like it. and that's good. i can't say i'm not excited. i'm a sap... you all know it.

ummm... honestly, i can't remember much else of the past week's craziness, so you'll have to forgive me if the sequel wasn't as good as the original movie... well, i mean, not like it was premeditated or anything... i'm just killing time right now.

but this announcement is for pk, sandra, deanna, christina, whomever...

i took my week's vacation from june 24th - july 1st. we are kicking around the idea of a road trip, and also bitching a lot because we are poor. soooo...

1) sandra... you should SO come to the US during this week. then we wouldn't have to road trip, but we would anyway maybe... cuz road trips are fun...

2) christina... we could come see you. yep. and you could teach us how to fence, 'cuz you promised! *whine*

3) deanna come home or else. then road trip with us! *hee!* well, if we go. otherwise, i'm so hitting the warhol museum instead.

4) pk... can we go to the warhol museum PLEEEEASE??? or baltimore??? or baltimore AND the warhol museum AND NYC? please, please, please? *sad puppy eyes*

5) whomever... this is for the other people i know who are nearby and can make themselves free that week... i wanna see you! come see me! or we'll come to you... whatever. we're open to suggestions... well, *I* am, anyway... and i'm driving, so there :-p (jk)

well, bye for now, mes amis.		  
     Read 4 - Post
 
*insane evil giggles*   
06:14pm 24/04/2004
 
mood: amused
music: lost without each other ~:~ hanson
"I got Gavin DeGraw Chariot because Lauren said so! (and her taste in music rocks) and it was $11.99. I haven't listened to it yet, but I like the song "Chariot"."

mwahahahaha....

also, pk is slowly converting herself and others to hawksleyism...

just some fuel for the lauren-is-a-successful-music-pimpin'-goddess fire ;)

and if someone is picking on you for liking hanson... is it fair to tell them (honestly) that they look like one? because um, i swear dude's sportin' the same hair ike did in '97...

well, that's all for now, loves. i'll be back soon.		  
     Post
 
short and sweet, for now   
08:20am 23/04/2004
 
mood: cheerful
music: lost without each other ~:~ hanson
new hanson album ROCKS!!!

new hanson album + DVD = *swoon*



"lost without each other" is my new favorite song in the WHOLE WORLD.

um... lotslotslotslots of good stuff on here. go buy it kiddies! you don't know what you're missing... but now... i gotsta go... heh.


*dances around singing* all i know is what i'm missin', what i'm missing is your kissin', are you listenin? don't go, don't go sayin' that you're alright, there's no room to get uptight, and don't go sayin' you're okay, when you're lonely, said baby, don't go tellin' me we're over, when you know you're my one and only lover, and i won't go sayin' that we're okay, when we're lost without each other...

*flingyflailysqueeheeheeheeheeheeinsaneevilgiggles*		  
     Post
 
what's stuck in my head today...   
08:29am 19/04/2004
 
mood: bouncy
music: another mistake ~:~ evan and jaron
You really should have told me by now
‘Cause if what I’ve heard is true
You were falling from me, while I was falling for you
Well I wish you would have told me by now
‘Cause I didn’t mean to waste your time
And I hardly considered you, a waste of mine

I’m just another mistake that you’re not gonna make
I’m just one less day for you to throw away
And when you tell your friends about how it ended
Please be kind ‘cause you know that I tried
‘Cause you know I tried

Now I’m thinking back and looking for clues
For the day you changed your mind
Was I moving way too fast to see the signs
I’m replaying every word you said
Every laugh and every sigh
You had a thousand secret ways to say good-bye.

I tried to give you more, but you wanted less
I tried to read your mind but I failed the test
Why don’t you try for once and get it off your chest

I’m just another mistake that you’re not gonna make
I’m just one less day for you to throw away
And when you tell your friends about how it ended
Please be kind ‘cause you know that I tried
‘Cause you know I tried		  
     Post
 
thoughts i've been having lately...   
09:50am 16/04/2004
 
mood: exanimate
music: love somebody to know ~:~ hanson
i have this terrible urge to wear a tie with a tank top. this has nothing to do with avril lavigne, of course, but i like ties... and what else am i going to wear them with? a collared dress shirt? so not.

i have the best cd collection ever!!!

i need more cds. okay, so i need *more* cds to have the best cd collection ever, but dammit, my taste is impeccable! (lol)

i wanna go back to tennessee!!!

i want my friends to come home!!!

carmindy is the greatest.

"i LOOK SO GOOD" - diva

"i have a crush on EVERY BOY." - the ugly one

i spend too much time at homestarrunner.com

*sings* penny and me like to roll the windows down, turn the radio up, and push the pedal to the ground...

*sings* fell in love with a boy... i fell in love once and almost completely

help me get these songs out of my headdddd!!! *falls over*

sandra needs to come here. *pout*

but, i wanna go to toronto... *whine*

but i don't have any money *cry*

i'm NEVER going to turn 21, this summer is soooooo far away. damn.

however, the road trip to red bank is SO on.

all of a sudden i have this interest in camping, photography, and tennis. not that i haven't been interested in them before... but i have different reasons now.

i should really get ready for work. but i don't wanna!!!

ryan malcolm could probably use some very expensive therapy... but i sort of like him like that.

queer eye for the straight guy is the best reality/makeover show on television. runner up is what not to wear...

and the swan is really scary. i mean, REALLY scary.

i want MTV to pimp my ride. no really... my car sucks.

evan and jaron has a new album out? hmmm... *buys it* (wal-mart, last night/this morning)

i REALLY miss joel.

and speaking of things i miss, i miss my laptop. and my iPod. and Apple sucks and is mean. well, i guess when you get a not-defective one, they're really great. but i didn't, apparently. and that sucks. i hate getting up at 8:45 to get online.



i don't want to go to work. (right now)		  
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andiyana
 
 
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