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Sunday, 11.28.2004
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11.28.2004 19:04 - Convalescence Transcribed, Part One
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THANKSGIVING 2004, 8:00 PM
Must keep the noise going. Must keep the TV blaring video games playing, pages turning pills popping, until with any luck I can sleep. It's these quiet moments that kill, when the sounds from next door and the rest of the house, sounds of people living heir lives seep through the walls and land square on my jaw. Sounds of laughter. Sounds of conversation, companionship. Sounds walking, even sounds of -- just to torment me, I know it -- sounds of pacing. Pure sadism. I must keep the noise going. I must drown out the signals of a world I no longer know.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 2004 1:45 AM
Psychologically, things have been much easier since the operation. Never mind that I'm far less mobile and in far more pain; I know now that I'm healing. And now that I have no choice but to accept that there's nothing I can do with this time but let it pass, I can finally go easy on myself. On that note, bringing this notebook over to my bed may not have been wise, but I've come to miss the act of crafting meaning (and/or meaninglessness) with a pen.
I have developed a mild phobia of earthquakes. I don't know what brought them into my head in the first place, but I can't seem to help pondering too long and too hard on just how incapable I would be of reacting to such a disaster. Similarly, I sometimes dwell on how much harder this would all be if I were living alone. I owe all but my life to the generosity and patience of two of my five housemates. These thoughts serve only to amplify my inevitable loneliness. I can't quite reach the phone that doesn't ring.
Sleep is a black comedy of crimson errors. The only positions that are good for resting knee are terrible for fully resting the rest of me. As soon as I manage to drift off, I instinctively roll onto my side, and immediately wake up in agony, unable to get back to sleep until my next dose of opiates kicks in.
Drugs are terrible when you're on them almost constantly, opiates doubly so. These aren't the strongest, but I've come to resent them nonetheless. Despite a companion scrip for laxatives, I can't for the life or the death of me. Once every four days is not nearly enough. Join me now in trying not to think of just how unpleasant that is.
Medical bills. I still don't know what they'll look like. I tremble in constant fear of earthquakes, solitude, and medical bills. Never used to be this way.
Once, last week, I dreamed, and I remembered my dream. It had me running, although I don't remember why. It was glorious.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 2004 11:52 PM
I am not Marcel Proust. I am not Ernest Hemingway, nor am I Jack London. I am not Wolfe, Pynchon, Miller, Bukowski, or Burroughs, either. In every case, I am glad. One was enough of each of these men. This is why I remember their names.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2004 1:14 AM
Never have I known such long days. Einstein was right about bodies at rest. I'll make a killing in moss sales.
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11.28.2004 16:05
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I can now type somewhat comfortably on this here borrowed laptop, so I may just start popping up online slightly more often. Not reliably, though; if you want to get in touch with me, call. That's the only way for the time being.
It's still too painful for me to be out of bed any more than absolutely necessary (ie going to the bathroom or the hospital), but things are improving. Too slowly, but very surely. It's not great, but I'll take it.
I've already started physical therapy, even if I need a dose of narcotics in order to fight through a set of exercises. Thanks to waiting two months for surgery I've got a whole lot of atrophy to deal with, almost disgustingly so -- my lower thigh is not much bigger than my upper calf used to be. Yikes. So I've gotten started on motion therapy, just bending and straightening the damn thing, for about five minutes every hour that I'm capable. Ouch, by the way.
I may transcribe a few thoughts from paper a bit later today. More likely I'll wait a few days, and try to catch up on workish e-mail for now, but stay tuned just in case.
Many thanks to those who left good thoughts and the like for me, even if I couldn't see them until now.
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| Friday, 11.19.2004
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11.19.2004 18:42
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I'm posting this from my roommate's laptop, sitting as it is next to me in bed. My own computer is all of six fee away, and therefore unavailable.
The surgery went well, so far as I can tell. They attempted a meniscus repair, which is exactly what I had hoped for, but this means I'll have my leg in an immobilizer for six weeks while it hopefully heals correctly. No guarantees there. In the meantime, it's got me further down and for a longer count than I'd expected.
I'll have to give up on this typing stuff sooner than I'd hoped, as I can't find a way to do it that doesn't somehow put a bit of pressure on my leg -- anything less than exactly the right position with no other mitigating factors is unbelievably painful -- so I'm afraid that's about as much of an update as I can give you. I won't be available by email or livejournal for the foreseeable future, either.
I know it sounds bad, and it is incredibly tough, but things are going well so far as the long run is concerned.
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| Friday, 11.12.2004
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11.12.2004 00:35
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Contrary to established tradition, today, November 12th, is not my birthday this year. I'm rescheduling to an as yet unannounced future date. If I can't walk, and almost certainly won't be leaving the house at all, it simply doesn't count.
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| Thursday, 11.11.2004
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11.11.2004 08:12 - Vision Tunnel Syndrome
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"The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved."
--John Ashcroft
"In my judgment, [the war on terror] renders obsolete Geneva's strict limitations on questioning of enemy prisoners and renders quaint some of its provisions."
--Alberto Gonzales, Ashcroft's expected replacement
I know it's difficult not to cheer Ashcroft's resignation as a small victory, but it's unfortunately easy for a victory to be both small and hollow at the same time. Of course, it's hardly news that torture falls into the positive category when we're talking about values.
current music: Chet Baker - Exitus
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11.11.2004 05:27
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| Wednesday, 11.10.2004
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11.10.2004 17:17
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| Sunday, 11.07.2004
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11.07.2004 05:35 - Swing State My Ass
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| Saturday, 11.06.2004
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11.06.2004 18:50
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Life can be hard. Life can be miserable. Between problems with money, work, health, love, politics, and anything else you care to name, we all have a tough time of it at points. We can feel like we've knocked to the bottom, well beyond what we'd like to think should be reasonable, all without ever leaving the bounds of everyday bullshit.
Then, sometimes, we gain perspective. This perspective can come with the highest price tag imaginable. Even if it does make our own problems pale in comparison, all we can think of is how firmly we wish it had never come.
To a man whom I have long considered one of my closest friends, whether or not he knows it, I can only say this: I'm am truly, terribly sorry, and I wish more than anything that I could find even some small way to help. Just know I am here in whatever capacity I can be, and this will always be the case.
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11.06.2004 18:10 - Still Last Week
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Was today set aside in some bizarre cosmic calendar as the day for what's left of my mind to start going?
Until just a few minutes ago, I could have sworn that last Saturday was only about two days ago. I don't mean that I forgot today was Saturday, as we all do from time to time, or that the events of last Saturday were so fresh in mind that I could remember them "as if it were yesterday." No, while my impressions of that day are vague, I was very specifically certain they had transpired more recently than, say, the events of last Tuesday, which are unmistakable. Figuring this out felt a lot like how it might have to be told that Thursday was, in fact, a week ago. Come to think of it, that would feel a lot more realistic to me.
Further confusion was achieved when a friend called to say he couldn't make it tonight, and would I let Richard know? Sure, but -- what the hell? Questioning another roommate brought forth the fact that we are, in fact, hosting a small dinner party tonight. I was thoroughly pissed off about not having been informed until Richard got home, and his mention of one guest in particular brought back the memory of the entire plan being laid out on Wednesday. My memory for such things is normally so close to perfect that Richard has been known to question me about his plans for the night.
Maybe the part of my brain that controls chronology has, in fact, started to shut down. Without direct exposure to sunlight or moonlight, and without anything tangible to separate one day from the next, I can see why it might. I'd feel pretty thoroughly unwanted and unnecessary it its shoes, too.
current music: Thelonious Monk - Let's Call This
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| Friday, 11.05.2004
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11.05.2004 15:34 - At Burning Man, Preparing for November 2nd
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| Thursday, 11.04.2004
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11.04.2004 21:16 - Okay, so I'm not very good with Photoshop...
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current music: Hazy Loper - Death
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11.04.2004 13:07 - Day After the Day After Round-Up
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- Palast: Every vote will not be counted after all. Would Kerry win if they were? He seems to think he's got the case clearly settled. I think he's only succeeded in raising some very good questions. Good reading regardless.
- Momus: Go ahead and leave. Really. It's cool. I tried back in 2001, and got sucked in to San Francisco instead. Even if you do cross that border, is it really so easy?
- Harper's: No, it's really not that easy. You'll note that I've been an illegal alien before, albeit not for very long, and it wasn't nearly so bad as you might have heard.
- Rushkoff: Time to move, um, forward. Didn't say "on". Christians are the new Romans and red is the new black and blah blah blah. If you need some optimistic rah-rah inspiration, this source at least tempers it with a touch of realism. Thanks, Doug, for that.
- BoingBoing: Stolen or not, Ohio's fucking weird. We knew that, though.
- BoingBoing, again: What's good for the goose is good for the gander, but if you ask me both end up as foie grois, which isn't even all that healthy for the one eating it. Please, people, don't get dumb just because it works. It doesn't work in everyone's, or often anyone's, best interests when all is said and done. If your means completely fuck up the end...
- BoingBoing, last time: Spam waits for no man. Keep an eye on those Eli Lilly stocks.
- Pope: Yes, you do deserve to get screwed. Unrelated, I admit, but come now... and/or later...
current music: Chet Baker - Pamela's Passion
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| Wednesday, 11.03.2004
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11.03.2004 18:12
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11.03.2004 13:07
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It's hard, but try to understand. Try to understand why people think this man makes a good leader. Try to understand why they think that when they vote for him, they're voting in the world's, and their own, best interest. Try to understand how they could agree with his policies, question none of what he tells them, and accept what might be nothing more sinister than his human foibles.
It's hard, but it's important. If it's true what the Buddhists and New Agers and Chaos Magickians say, you need to be able to understand and accept these things for your own sake. Even it isn't true, it is always wise to Know Thy Enemy.
My, what big knowledge you have!
All the better to fight you with, my dear.
current music: Dead Kennedys - Moral Majority
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| Tuesday, 11.02.2004
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11.02.2004 20:07
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Dear Easily Excitable Friends,
Stop worrying about the early returns, which have been dominated by states that surprised no one (with the exception of Pennsylvania, which looks to be voting for Kerry). Go take a valium, drink a beer, have sex or masturbate, and wait for all of the swing states to settle down.
--Starchy
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11.02.2004 18:31
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"Scrutineer" is an obscure word for "vote-counter". To the best of my knowledge, there is no word in English for "polling place". Therefore, I nominate "scrutineeratorium" to mean "polling place".
Come on, people, don't leave the language in the hands of the professional linguistic engineers, ruled as they are by the Special Interests(tm)! Let's make "scrutineeratorium" a permanent fixture of obnoxious election-night news coverage!
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11.02.2004 15:40 - Civic Booty
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Much has been made this year of first-time voters, and a quick look at my friends page proves that the hallowed halls of LiveJournal are hardly bereft of such folk. I'm not about to bother asking why anyone is voting in this election, but to those of you reading who fall into this well-punditated category, assuming you haven't turned eighteen within the past two years, why didn't you vote before? It's obvious that there are many possible reasons, none of which I intend to argue with, and it's possible that none of your explanations would come as a surprise, but I would be interested in a narrow sampling, as it were.
current music: Chet Baker - Ev'rything Depends On You
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11.02.2004 11:18
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Those of you concerned with voter fraud and suppression, electronic ballot snafus, and other sorts of polling chicanery might like to keep an eye on these links:
Any other good ones out there?
UPDATE: https://voteprotect.org/?display=EIRMapNation is another good one, currently showing a surprisingly high number of incidents reported for New York (second only to Pennslyvania next door).
current music: Cop Shoot Cop - System Test
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| Monday, 11.01.2004
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11.01.2004 23:30
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In just four and one half hours, the polls open in Florida. Lets the games begin, and the suing ensue! I must say, I don't envy a one our nation's scrutineers. Except the ones with health insurance, that is.
And with that I bid you a good night, and to the world at large, good luck.
current music: Boredoms - Finger Action no'5
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