Monday, February 25th, 2002
|
|
2:04 am - And this at long last...
|
Forget all that. Forget the moment I lost myself and found it again. Forget the emptiness and fear that I have long since buried. I am alive. Sweet prince, you are all that I see, from behind my veil. I have found it again. The essence of being.
current mood: alive
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Sunday, January 13th, 2002
|
|
12:34 pm - I shall use this forum one more time...
|
For the record: Many of these posts were written in anger. I wrote many things that were at the expense and defamation of dragondark. For that, I apologize. He has been a kind friend to me. We had a rough time for a little while. No one should think the less of him for what I said. Judge him based on your own perceptions, not the raving, angry comments of a woman who was not herself.
For the record: Dragondark, I'm sorry.
current mood: embarrassed
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Wednesday, January 9th, 2002
|
|
8:07 pm - Follow-up and Sign Off
|
For those of you who may still have me on your friends list and would like to know: Everything went fine. It's done. No complications. Thanks to all the well wishers out there.
current mood: tired
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Friday, January 4th, 2002
|
|
10:37 pm - This is it.
|
Since there are so many people I don't want peeking into my brain anymore, I am going to discontinue my use of this journal. Those who I want to speak with will be able to, because I like them and I will call them or e-mail them. Those of you who have made it a profession as of late to add further insult to my injuries and mistakes can...
FUCK OFF
----End Transmission
current mood: infuriated
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
|
|
3:43 pm
|
It was never meant to hit, only to make you see. To make you stop calling me a cunt, a bitch, a useless human being. It was a moment of weakness that was never meant to be anything more than a scare tactic to make you stop. Trish meant to hurt you. I didn't. I wanted to make you stop hurting me. Do you think I have a death wish, inciting violence with you? I'd be dead before I hit the floor. The violence started when you opened your mouth, and it contiued long after my idle threat was withdrawn.
I was so scared of you. Your anger. I wanted to leave so nothing would happen. But I had no where to go at midnight, miles from home. I wanted you to stop lashing your tongue at me. I wanted you to stop saying all the things you didn't say to Trish. I wanted you to stop using me as a target for all your anger towards her. I wanted you to stop harrassing me about dinner when I can barely keep lunch down. I wanted you to stop demanding something from me for just one minute. I wanted you for one minute to stop guilting me into doing what you want. I wanted you to just stop. Stop. Stop!!!
I have slapped and been hit enough in my life to know it solves nothing. I didn't know how to make you stop.
But, it was still the wrong thing to do. And I'm sorry.
current mood: indescribable
|
|
(15 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Thursday, January 3rd, 2002
|
|
7:35 pm - It is the world that has been pulled over our eyes...
|
Innocence. Some people call me naive. No. I just have hope.
Had hope. I have officially hit bottom. Nowhere to go but up. And I am afraid of heights.
Maybe I am a deep roller. Does that mean I have to die? Does it mean I need to find someplace to crash land?
Will someone please tell me what horrible thing that I did, what tragic flaw in my character makes me end up here? What is the problem with who I am? I want to find it and tweak it till it never motivates this kind of disaster again.
Glad it wasn't mine, he says. Skin of your teeth, my good man, skin of your teeth. Good thing it stopped when it did or it could've been different. No denying it then. No more hiding behind hate to appease love. You'd have to be accountable then. Wouldn't that be tragic!
You! The man in the iron mask! I'm sorry to lose such a friend. I know you can kill me with your thumbs, but all it took was a word to shatter me. "Inconvenience". I thought you were a better man than you made yourself out to be. I believed you were. I guess I was wrong. I'm sad I was, and I'm sorry.
I am not all anger and bitterness. But it seems those are the most prominent right now. Catch me on another day and I'll tell you about my favorite butterfly, that landed on my shoulder once, while in an exhibit one Saturday afternoon...
current mood: blank
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
|
11:58 am - Goodbye
|
I'm sorry, little one.
None of this is your fault.
Return.
We will meet again.
When the time is right.
current mood: sad
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Wednesday, January 2nd, 2002
|
|
5:04 pm
|
I am trying to find some reason to smile today. I just can't find one. I feel like I have failed everyone, including myself.
current mood: angry
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
|
Tuesday, January 1st, 2002
|
|
4:53 pm - Policy Of Truth
|
This is just another year. But at the beginning of each new decade, era, moment...there is that moment of reflection. I realized something important this new year. The importance of the truth. Not just accurately representing facts, but representing myself accurately; truthfully.
What's next for me? Truth be told, I managed to finish this year with the same explosion I started it with. I think I'll retire the TNT and just focus on the truth of the matter. The real me. My beliefs, my goals, my future. These latest events have taught me I need to take better care of myself. That I need to watch who I spend time with and who I let influence my way of thinking and being.
Time to be without being false to myself.
current mood: awake
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Sunday, December 30th, 2001
|
|
4:45 pm - Big Sky
|
I am off to Montana on New Year's Day. A sort of Xmas gift from my dad. Sort of. I will be gone for a few weeks. I have some things to take care of and a dad I have not spent a significant amount of time with in ten years.
I looked at the weather report today in my dad's town of Bozeman. It is a balmy 8 degrees. I'm packing sweaters and hot cocoa, and all the warm fuzzies from all those who care about me. See you in a few weeks.
current mood: rushed
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Friday, December 28th, 2001
|
|
10:58 pm - Under the Tree and Dreaming...
|
You're just a girl; you tend to get frustrated easily, you daydream quite a bit, and you try to avoid making trouble, though curiosity always gets the better of you. Even under tight circumstances, however, you put aside (some of) your fear and figure out what's the best thing to do. You want a better understanding of your world.
|
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Saturday, December 22nd, 2001
|
|
1:51 am - Oh God
|
|
|
Friday, December 21st, 2001
|
|
6:35 pm - I never knew...
|
...I adore George Michael's music. I discovered a Best of album in Chris' plethora of cds and have been enjoying it for the last hour. He really is a great artist.
And the phone call I just got...made my day...
current mood: honored
current music: A Different Corner - George Michael
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
|
2:06 pm
|
Amidst a swirling hurricane, people can suprise you. I wasn't looking for someone to tell me I was right, or blameless. I didn't want anyone to pet me on the head and tell me it was all going to be alright. Instead, I got a friendly voice on the phone saying it didn't matter to her. I did the right thing. Simple enough.
This woman seems to be the most honorable and level-headed person I have known. She has her own drama that pales in contrast to my own. Yet she reached out to me. I have always held her in the highest respect. Even when doing the don't touch me dance in the kitchen.
I had a dream about her. No. Not one of those. Even though she is quite a splendid looking woman. The dream itself is not important. I just dreamed events to come. The reflection upon it is what is worth noting.
She and the father of her child are going to have beautiful children. I don't just mean that they could be models. They will truly be beautiful. Their sons will be men. Their daughters will be strong and feminine and beautiful. They will have the boundless honor of their parents and courage, so much courage. If anyone should bring life into this world it is them.
current mood: calm
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Thursday, December 20th, 2001
|
|
6:34 pm - I
|
I can't depend on anyone but myself. What was I thinking? Thanks for all your help...if I need anymore, I'll do it myself.
current mood: angry
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Wednesday, December 19th, 2001
|
|
3:25 pm - Nothing is Special
|
I have an opal that was once set in a platinum diamond setting. The color is amazing. It sits in my jewelry box, unset, since it fell out.
I have a ticket to a play sitting in my memory box; more than one, but one in particular that strikes me always. Phantom at the Fifth Avenue.
I have a love I once valued, but now is worthless. Because it was never unique to begin with. It was flattery for someone who has chosen to love instead of build an honorable character.
Couldn't you have just told the truth?
It is good that you love so convicingly, it will save your ass when character flaws ruin your day.
current mood: blank
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Monday, December 17th, 2001
|
|
10:15 pm - Temporary Respite
|
The adventure to the snow provided a temporary moment of peace. But, of course, nothing lasts.
Thanks to Tara for a most wonderful coffee last night. I love you, baby. Your faith in me is overwhelming sometimes.
And thankyou to the universe, for, well...not killing me.
current mood: anxious
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Sunday, December 16th, 2001
|
|
8:28 pm - Snow!!!!
|
He took me out to the snow. Winter didn't show up so we went looking for it. You know what they say about trouble...don't go looking for it! I don't know how I convinced him to go looking for it, but we found SNOW!!!!
Here's a pic of me at Steven's Pass. It ended up kinda silly looking, but screw it, here it is:
Still immensely important wisdom: Don't eat the yellow snow!
current mood: happy
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Saturday, December 15th, 2001
|
|
7:02 pm - Threefold
|
Show me just one way that I am better off. Show me one way that I have gained something from what I have done. Find one shred of proof that I had some sort of profit from what I did. You will find none. Why? Because I never intended to gain from it. I never intended to profit.
Tell me one good reason why someone in their right mind would compromise everything that they have built, everyone relationship they have ever valued, just to get back at an ex? I wouldn't. I didn't. You, who know me so well. You, who regret me. You, who call me a psycho. You, who find every reason in the world to blame me. You, who would rather hide behind deceit. If you had not betrayed her, I would've had nothing to say; nothing to write.
I wanted to look her in the eye. I wanted to finally feel friendship with her. I wanted to finally know her, after years of trying. But I couldn't promise friendship and stab her in the back at the same time. I could not accept her trust and deceive her knowingly. I have destroyed every chance of ever knowing her, but at least I could do the right thing. At least I could make some sort of ammends for what I did. And not be like everyone else who has ever hurt her. I wanted to admit I did it and accept her anger and hate. Be accountable for my wrong. Tell her I was sorry.
You, who I lied for. You, who I protected from your own betrayal. I have lost all and gained nothing. And that is how it should be.
I was wrong. I betrayed. I lied. I deceived. I'm sorry.
current mood: indescribable
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Wednesday, December 12th, 2001
|
|
1:54 am
|
|
|
