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Thursday, August 1st, 2002
3:58 pm	welp... This is it for a while folks. The room is completely empty, the walls barren, and the room a sterile sort of clean (benfits of being anal :) All that's left is my computer and a chair. And shortly neither =/ Like I said earlier: mixed feelings. But that's the best part of being a viscerally driven creature. Hunger has taken over and much of the angst of moving has been clouded by a nice cloud of thoughts of tacos =9 Heheheh god I am SUCH a fickle animal =) On a somewhat related note, I read my BIO on LJ and it started out great and then just kind of got ugly. And it's not up to date either so I am thinking maybe later it needs a revamp. Just made me wrinkle my forehead and wonder how I got to be so... I don't know. W certainly noticed it. Gotta go find my center again..... Anywho, that's all for now folks. I know you'll all miss me (smirk). Me (1 Comment |Comment on this)
1:24 pm	erm.... sigh? finished moving mostly two days ago and since the carpet was drying in the new house I drug my sleeping bag out and slept on a hard floor in my old house. Room was barren and it was a astrange feeling. You know... "your" room being stripped of all it's warmth and familarity... Slept rather poorly and work was a bear to get up for. The day was a rough one. We were hammered from start to finish. No final run count but damn it was a GO GO GO kinda day. Had only a short break after dinner for maybe an hour. Partners intern is doing well but the guy is still making some judegment problems. I've been told that my input is fine and so I've been throwing in some advice. Hope it helps. Nothing too wild. Ran a basic code no biggie. Biggest thing that struck me was two things. One was a 21 year old girl who was on her second pregnancy and had a very pronounced PID shuffle. And she's the older of the girls we pick up who are pregnant. At least she had a job. Just made me wonder about how fortunate some of us are and how our lives have brought us to where we are today. Could we still have done it, or are our paths allready started before we've been born... Make you think. Second thing that struck me was on a similar thread. An older woman, maybe 60's (?) with her ailing mother, 90's (?). Lady was worried about her mother because she was acting inapporpriately. Turns out we run on her A LOT and mostly it turns out that the daughter is just overly worried and 9/10 times they get sent home from the hospital with no treatment. In this case the lady was a bit worried and asked if it might be her "sugar". I asked if her mother was a diabetic and she said no. I asked her why she was worried about it then and she stated that last time they took her in to the hospital they remarked that her sugar was a certain value but that that was impossible as she'd never fed her mother sugar at all. I tried to explain to her that the body makes it's own "sugar" from the food we eat. But she just frowned and didn't get it. In the end I spoke with the doctor about my concerns for the mother. That she had health issues which required a level of care that perhaps the daughter was unable to provide. Chances are nothing will come of it and I'mnot sure anything should... But it made me wonder again about being fortunate for having had a good education and how a lot of the time I take it for granted. It also makes me think about how fast the face of our lives change. I'm sure even if the lady had attended school things considered mainstream knowledge must have been quite different. Who knows how our children will look at us? Lastly we were introduced to a cool new tool. It's actually an old tool but for us it's new and exciting. UCD is doing a study on the efficacy of Automatic Transport Ventilators (ATVs) or the prehospital care of intubated patients. An ATV is a self powered oxygen metering device which also provides positive pressure to the patient. Further more, when hooked up to a capnography machine, we can read CO2 levels in the bloodstream which allow us to determine the best volume/rate relationships for the patient theoretically leading to more stable blood PH levels, better oxygenation, and hopefully better patient outcome. While this seems like a great thing and a slam dunk for us to get you have to undestand that the technology involved is high and the responsibilities are equally high. As a result our MD who oversees the medic program has been slow to approve things such as this as he felt that we were little more than trained monkies and should leave the "real" medicine to the Docs. This is a huge step forward and if the study is published nationally with our programs names we'll have made a HUGE step forward for the department as well as for patient care. =) Exciting stuff =) Two flatteries yesterday were nice. One was a patients mother who was this little asian woman who remarked when we showed up "my my, oh so many handsome men"! Hehehehe. And the other was a nurse who made a slight freudian slip when loading a patient to the hospital gurney. She wished for me to hold the gurney still and instead looked at me and instructed to "hold me". Hehehehe she blushed and it was good fun =) Anywho last day here. Gonna finish scrubbing the bathroom and then packup the computer and go to the new home. Even the phone is disconected =P I'll be without internet for a whil, at least till I can find one of those free dial up ISPs for a week or two while I decided to go cable or DSL. Same with TV. Kinda depressing. Ah well. I suppose this will force me to finish unpacking and cleaning up the place with no distractions. Heck I might even go buy and install the hammock I wanted in the backyard and just read and nap all day long too! Heheheh Finally I am a bit melancholoy. Leaving this house I leave a happy environment and into a scary new one. I am a homeowner now and thats daunting to me. I haven't spoken with W in a few days and it feels like neither of us makes much effort anymore. Just so sad to go to this after all we've been through and all we've meant to each other. Again makes you think about human dynamics. For some this is a neat thing (the constant variability and chance) but mostly for me it makes me sad that things can be so facile (right word?) and flakey. In any case I'm going to have to do a lot of rethinking of my life in the coming months and evaluate who I am and what I have and where I want to go. It's a good opportunity but again: a bit scary. Enough banter now. Time to finish what I came here to do. Maybe write some later? Rob (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 30th, 2002
4:38 pm	gack... all moved in/out. I think out is more appropriate as the stuff really isn't IN the house. More like dumped all over the garage floor ;) I couldn't actually move all the stuff inside the house due to the carpet having been cleaned and is still wet for 24 hours =P Moving was a bit of a pain mostly because no one was around to help me out. So I just bit the bullet and heaved and grunted everything into the truck on my own. Much to my chagrin I found out that the van that I rented had a bad battery and wouldn't start so I had to call AAA to help out. In any case the house is almost set to move and I am pretty excited. Am a bit sad too. I like living in my current place and I like my room mates and the hi-jinks we had together. Will have to make it a point to visit sometime. Room mate is officially healed after his nasty break up. He told me that he'd dated this girl for a week now and they just had sex. So good for him I say, good to see he's found his way out of his depression, is dating again, and wow, had a wild weekend! Heheheh. Might have to take lessons from him on dating techniques ;) Anyways not much else to say. Room is all clean, all I have to do is scrub the tub and toilet, mop the floor and call it good =) Going to work tommorow and then will be back to pick up my computer and stero on the 1rst. And then no internet access or TV for a while for me =( Haven't decided to go DSL or Cable ISP or decide between Satellite or Cable TV. Not that it matters as I have no TV or VCR or anything for that matter, but hey, that's what the plastic is for? Heheheheh oh dear. Looks like I am going to have to work a lot of overtime these coming weeks to pay for this. Found out that the carpet will be $300 and the furnace is clogged and needs cleaning too which is another $300. Stove needs some tweeking to work better. SIGH. So much to do =P The joys of owning a home I suppose. Still no word on a room mate yet =( only one other call since posting and that's a guy in the middle of a messy divorce and needs temp housing. SIGH. Any of you wanna live in sacto? Cheap rent in a nice house ;) Anywho, time to shower and get rid of the sticky sweat from moving. Hoping to grab sushi with the room mate later tonight. Rob (Comment on this)
Monday, July 29th, 2002
11:24 am	steeeeeertch Wow, long weekend and it's only half done ;) Ran my toosh off trying to get the car dialed for the weekend race and things went okay. Changed out the fluids and fixed the shock issue. Funny thing is the car has lost some of the clunkiness and has gained some steering sensitivity but gained some new clunks. They say that's the price of having a high-po set up but it's still un nerving to have a quiet car gain clunks, lames you think things are broken. Work was pretty darned busy with LOTS of calls, strange for the quiet station. Also sad was that day was the last day for one of the guys, he retired and he was a great guy. Wont get to know him which makes me sad. Quiet guy but very nice and grounded. Woke up after a few hours of sleep at night and went to a local auto-x race. God it was AWFUL. I'd hoped the car would handle amazingly well with the new alignment but not luck, the car was all over the place, plenty of over steer. Seemed like the rear hopped all over the place. Turns out in retrospect that maybe the rear was under damped. Won't know until next race when I tighten the rear down. Also been told the rear is sprung too tightly. In any case, hardly an enjoyable race and I left feeling a little upset and confused. Tire pressure and camber were all good... just sloppy rear. Was a bit nervous about the road race. Drove a LONG 5 hour drive to get to Hoopa. Beautiful drive though and I enjoyed it. Was nice to roll down the windows and feel the wind in my hair, driving through the mountain twisties unmolested.. just me, the car, and the road. The views were gorgeous on the way. Beautiful shimmering lakes, magestic trees, and breath taking mountain sides. The drive was long but in the end it turned out to be a good thing and I was relaxed and happy arriving in hoopa. had a good dinner, watched some video of the days prev races and talked to people I hadn't seen in a while. Race day came and I was so nervous I was near feeling sick. Yesterday a guy had come to the hill with this amazing car, super fast, custom everything and the confidence to go with it. Well not 30 seconds into the race he lost control and slide UP the hill sideways at 80 mph and sheered a telephone pole off at the base, slid down a hillside before coming to a rest against a tree. Guy was miraculously unhurt but it still underscored how risky the race was and I was a bit shaky at the start. But as things would work out I found out it wasn't too bad. car slowed well for the corners... too well it turns out and I had to lay off a couple times to keep up a good speed, and the traction was great and I could really hammer the gas on exit. Guess the days previous auto-x was just a bad course because the car felt great. Second run was much more aggressive with a correspondingly better time. I was still well off of the leader times but for the first time out I was very happy. Maybe next year I'll be faster ;) Caravaned back home and felt so drained and tired. Long weekend and I slept well last night. Off note and not intended to be racist but Darn it... indian women are BEAUTIFUL! I love dark hair and their jet black silky hair was just so sumptuous (wrong word?). Tan skin and bright eyes bourne from living an outdoor life... WOW... Anyways ;) Not much else to say. Gotta do some cleaning at my house and move in some more goodies into the new house. Hoping to make it back home to the bay area soon. wanted to go to Great America but the free admission deal will be done tommorow so it may not happen. Rob (Comment on this)
Friday, July 26th, 2002
1:13 am	yoink. going to work tommorow and then straight to the sacto region race then lunch then on the road for 5 hours to make it to the hoopa race. hope I'm not stretching it too thin. Wont be back till sunday night. wish me luck all... Rob (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 25th, 2002
1:37 pm	oh yeah... just finished a satire called "Happiness". GREAT book. Very funny and suited my humour perfectly. Recommended read for those who secretly enjoy a bit of pathos with their RDA of fuzzy happiness ;) (Comment on this)
1:09 pm	hot diggity... I'm a sexy mutha-SHUTCHOWMOUF.... >GRIN< Ok, so I'm being juvenile but sometimes you just have to shake off the impending aging process ;) Work at station 11 was pleasant as usual. Ran a total of maybe 4 calls. Normally this would drive me up the wall but in reality it's very nice to wind down from the medics 20+ call a day routine. I can take naps, read a good book, exercise, you name it. And working in the ritsy south area the calls tend to be less BS and more legit. In this case we had a decent call right out of the chute. Person presented initially as a stroke victim, recent unilateral onset of weakness. Good facial droop present, slurred speach, DLOC, and previous history of TIAs. But as the story played out we found the patient to be bradied out at 45, poor skin signs, and the beginnings of a 1 degree heart block. The responding medic had an intern on board and I was interested to see if they ran it as a stroke or a significat cardiac event. They were as a stroke which was an acceptable choice given the VS's but I wonder if running the bradycardia lead to poor perfusion and the stroke symptoms. Further corroborating evidence points to this, the biggest being that the patient has been seeing a cardiologist for similar issues. Hrmmm. Guess we'll never know but it makes for a good mental exercise. After running a few calls we had a nice mellow day. Got to hang out with a medic I'd seen on a neighboring rig and turns out he's a great guy, real nice and easy going. Sad thing is, like so many of our good medics, he's thinking about transfering to SF. SF is offering lateral positions for 45 people with a starting salary 50% more than ours. We just can't compete. Heck, it sounds good even to me ;) But with only a year on I'm not sure I'm ready to leave. I want some more exposure before I go running off to a new place. Anywho, ran off home and I am feeling pretty productive right now. Of course it's lunchtime and I really won't get moving again untial after lunch but I got a few things out of the way before I left for home. Can I say, I love my new house! The more I walk around it the more I like it. Sure it needs work but it's so homey and cozy. It's just CUTE (if a house can be anthropomorphizes like that). Thing is I need more furniture now. I think it's time to hit the paper and dig about and see what I can find. Dying to get a nice sleighbed or maybe somthing with nice sturdy posts on the corners =9 Just hoping to find some room mates. A bit nervous bout that issue. That's about it. Going to go and enjoy my bucket o' potstickers (just because I am too lame to cook somthing else) and then finish up prepping the car. Can't wait to see how she does on the hill... Me (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 23rd, 2002
10:18 pm	yawn... Gonna go to bed really soon so a short update. W says she needs time along and so I won't be going to visit. The car had it's alignment set up this morning and it's pretty darn close to being race ready. Figured out what the clunky noise was and it's easy enough to fix so that'll happen on thursday as will the fluids change. Still not sure if I have time to do the brake change so we'll have to see if time permits. Car DOES handle better now though. Feels much more hooked and stable. Stopped by Costco today and got a whole bunch of boxes and packed. most of my stuff is packed now with the exception of clothes. I may just put them all in garbage bags. Yeah it's ghetto but it'll have to do since I am almost out of boxes and truthfully having them folded doesn't much matter since I have no place like a dresser to put them in. Most of the furnishings are taken care of by the things I bought from the home owner but the remaining pieces are not insignificant and I am a bit daunted by the coming several months expenses. But just gotta bite the bullet I suppose. Room mate issue does not look promising. The one guy whom I really wanted to live with stopped by to look at the house. his girlfriend seemed really excited and he may be interested if the price is right but I get the feeling that my asking price is a bit higher than he'd like seeing as the room is smaller than what he currently pays. But the house is nicer and the environment is nicer so that should be worth somthing right? The ad I put up in the newspaper is getting very little response so far (4 days now and only two responses). Leads me to think that again, the asking is too high as the only two responses were dual income couples who wanted the room. Truthfull I won't rent to couples. One couple was a brand new couple and it seemed too tenous to assume they were stable and it sounds like she only wanted the room to be with her boyfriend. Other couple was hispanic and from the sound of it had several kids crying in the background. Sorry I like a quiet house and I don't have room for that many people. Soin other words I am getting worried. Hope things pick up or else I may have to drop- the prices and at that point I will start taking hits to the paycheck to make ends meet. Other than that nothing much else to say. Had a few good meals wandering about trying new places to eat. Seems like lots of fun things going on in town so next month should be fun and busy. Lots of free concerts and goings on. Welps, wish me luck getting my car stuff in order and my house stuff in order. It's bed time... Me (Comment on this)
Monday, July 22nd, 2002
1:22 pm	as the song goes... "everything's going to be allright..." I hope so. W found out her grandfather died last night. She's pretty depressed and I volunteered to come over but she said no. But something tells me I should go anyways. Having a LD relationship takes all the spontenaity away from things. But sometimes people don't ask for what they need. And yet I feel everything peeling us apart. This is just another thing. Should I let it? Should I let her deny my offers to come and just spend time with her? Should I let her be alone and learn to cope with things alone again. Let her be sad alone... I hate that word alone and my heart breaks thinking about her alone, without me. I don't know. Perhaps it's not too late to just book the flight. But, and there always is a but... I have to ask myself what role am I trying to play here? Yeah it's the supportive caring thing to do... but we aren't going to be together like this anymore. But perhaps thats the whole point. That if I want to continue to be her friend, someone she can count on, that boyfriend or not, I should be there for her. That it shouldn't matter. Sigh... all such icky timing... Moving, big car ace I've been super excited about and my girlfriends grandfather dying. I'll call her later and see what I can do =P other than that nothing exciting to report. Went to the party at N's house. Got VERY drunk, which I haven't done in a while. Girl N was talking about wasn't there and truthfully I didn't care at all. Met some cool people and had a live DJ show me how to work the turntables (neat sutff =)). To my surprise ran into my old Ex whom I've been a bit distant with and we hung out and actually had a good time. Woek up after 2 hours of sleep with a hang over and went to work feeling pretty bad. After alots of naps, a big breakfast and lots of water I felt vaguely human by dinner time and enjoyed going with the engine crew to a local park for a jazz festival which we stayed for a couple hours showing kids the rig and enjoying good music. So that's it. I'm going out for food and then visit the house and muck about. Rob (Comment on this)
Friday, July 19th, 2002
12:34 am	yikes! wouldjalookitdat! It's past midnight again and I am up late the night before work. SHeesh, you'd think I would learn? Anyhow another quickie update. Woke up late this am. Made a quick run of errands and was glad to say I finished them much quicker than anticipated. Ate a pretty mediocre lunch of leftover basmati mixed with some funky concoction of chicken I made two days ago. Trying to finish all the food I have in the fridge so I won't have to lug the food to the new house. Am running out of interesting combos and the mounds of chicken and rice/noodles/misc starchy stuff is getting old ;) Went to work on putting on the wheel spacers and the camber plates. Thought it'd have to be a two day install but what do yah know, the darn things went in with little fuss and I was even able to install the extinguisher! The extinguisher isn't in a technically legal location per the rules. It's supposed to be forward of the drivers plane. Well technically it's in plane of the driver neither forward nor behind... But it's behind the passengers seat so they may not allow it. I hope they do because that thing was a pain to install and I'd hate to have to reinstall it the day of the race. The spacers look a bit on sketchy side and I might have to get better lugnuts to hold them in. Took a test driver and all seemed well till a clunking noise almost gave me a heart attack. But regaining my compsure I figure out that it was a bolt which was coming lose from the shock tower and retightened it. Thing is, it keeps coming loose and I am tempted to loctite it in but that'd be bad for future work on the shock. Dunno yet what I am going to do. Oh yeah that bolt is too big anyways. Maybe find an alternative? All that's left is the brake install and, change out the radiator fluid for cooler running stuff, and get a number placard. whee, the car is really coming along! And it's a blast to drive. A little short on power but damn the thing corners. Shoulda been with me on the last run of last weekends race. Had the car in a four wheel slide through one corner going into the next, perfectly controled, power down and the feeling was great!!! Getting ready for the move is not going as well. I have no boxes and haven't had any luck finding any. I'll be going to price club to beg for some after work tommorow. Gotta get going since I have a lot to do =P Packing shouldn't be too bad but still I'm a bit worried. I hate packing/moving. lastly still a bit ambivalent about W and this weekends party. her statements kind of shook me a bit and she hasn't called back since and I can't reach her. I don't know it she's honestly busy or if she's really bothered. I don't know how I'd feel. Or maybe I do. Everything seems fizzled out. Perhaps we should have a talk soonish. Seems like we were just trying to hold out till sept when she left so we wouldnt have to break up on our own will. And it seems like it's happening on its own now, a bit prematurely and neither one of us knows what to do. I mean I think I've truly given up. And W seems to be grasping at straws herself. No good can come of this and I am thinking a long talk is in order. I just hate doing these things over the phone. Nothing else really to say. Going back to the same station I was at last shift. It'll be slo wbut perhaps that's good. I can catch up on my reading and relax a bit. Did I mention I bought two books from Barns and Noble? Both seem excellent! One is called "Guns, Germs and Steel" and is a historical perspective dealing with why some cultures seem to have lept ahead of others while some seem to have stagnated. I'm sure there's a bit of controversy but the topic is facinating. Second book is pure humour. It's about a guy who is unhappy. Not hating his life but just generally unhappy. He is also an editor for a publisher who publishes this self help book which really revolutionizes the world and everyone has become truly happy and fullfilled. And then things go wrong. Supposedly the book champions why being unhappy is okay and why all the "shiney happy people" need to be lined up and shot ;) heheheh my kind of humour ;) Anyways bed time... I can't be a zombie at work forver ;) Rob (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 17th, 2002
1:23 am	gurgle... I slept in this morn and let my metabolism burn the last vestiges of the alcoho0l from my system. Blessings of an over active metabolic drive I suppose. I got up and felt fine but after a quick trip to the lav crawled back into bed to luxuriate in the sheets. Didn't have any of the funky feelings of the previous night but felt emotionally exhausted and just dreadfully unexcited to do anything. And so I lay for an hour trying to get my day going. Finally a phone callroused me from my apathy and after finishing it I got up and sat down at my desk and wrote out my "things to do list". Apparently I am a list freak because I love writing them down and then crossing off the things I did and revising the list for the next day. At first the lists can be daunting and downright depressing. But I've found that once you get off your ass and start doing things on the list it gets to be cathartic to run lines through the items and soon you feel pretty good about your day.. like you've done somthing tangible and got a good crack at the day. Todays list was close to 25 items. I got about a quarter of it done and the rest of the items I should finish with the exception of maybe two or three things which aren't really important that I address right now. I decided not to do the ceiling in the house and felt pretty good about making a command decision. So all I need to do is paint and move in my stuff. I can do this. Good news is also that I was a bit worried that I couldn't finish getting the car sorted out prior to the hoopa hillclimb but things look good to actually getting most of it done tommorow afternoon. A few good hours and I should be able to get her back on the road. Then at work a quick oil change and coolant recharge and the car will be able to tackle hoopa. After all my errands were done for the day I had a long lunch with my room mate and we chatted about all sorts of random stuff in life. Seems like C and I get along well and perhaps we'll stay friends after I move. With lunch over I got home and decided to put in a quick run. It always surprises me how quick my body adapts to physical effort after an absence. Running felt good. Not super fast but good none the less. Perhaps it's my mania raising its ugly head but I found myself reminscing about how great it felt to be in shape. How I was generally happier when I was in shape, how I had more stamina doing daily stuff and how I could just laugh the stress off. And so I found myself pounding the pavement againa nd then indulging in a frenzy of situps and pushups. After some muscle burning I collapsed into a tired sweaty heap on the living room floor and popped in one of my favorite movies of all time "Braveheart". I swear that movie gets me all teary eyed. courage, true love, and a commitment to yourself and ideals.. all the makings of a rob tear jerker =P After the movie I made a quick dinner of rice and chicken but really wasnt hungry. I instead sat and poked myself in my belly disgusted at what i saw. Man I've let myself go. I was less than 10% body fat at one time. I was lean and hard. I remember W marveling at my six pack. It's gone now. I can feel it still lurking under the layers of skin and the slight love handles which are starting to make a presence in my life. Disgusted I pushed the dinner away from me and wondered what it'd do to get rid of this nasty univited visitor. Not that I am a vain person... But I like being in shape =P So perhaps, like in another favorite movie "Geofrey" after breaking up with W i will dive headlong into my career and health and become twice the man I am today... Or maybe not ;) Anywho, it's way too late and I need to sleep soon if I am to get a good start on the day tommorow. I want to wish you all agood night and give you all a big hug. Life is short, be happy. Rob (Comment on this)
Monday, July 15th, 2002
11:02 pm	bah. dont feel much like updating... ran a whole bunch of weird ass calls. Was very busy during the day, a brief respite at midnight and then the weirdest of all calls I have ever ran at 6:30 am. Everybody has their stories and this is mine for now. called for man down in a dumpster. Showed up on scene to find a dump truck driver standing by a dumpster. Looked into the dumpster and saw nothing. Dirver said that he heard screams for help, thought he had run over someone and looked under the truck; nothing. Finally figured out it was coming from up top INSIDE the trucks bay. We ladder the dump truck and look into the top (its a front loader, the kind with the forklift in front and the big open top. Turns out a bum had been dumpster divi9ng, didnt hear the truck and got scooped up and coupldnt get out. Worse yet he had several loads of garbage dumped on him and as he was suffocating the driver turned on the compress cycle. The was crushed and then the mechanical blade pushed the trash back exposing him... Catch was he was still very much alive. Turns out the garbage had acted as padding and so he didnt get bent about, just squeezed from all sides. Initial trauma assessment showed right chest wall pain, left femur pain, diffuse right leg pain, hematoma to the head, blood from right ear, ruptured capillaries in his eyes from the pressure.... but very much awake and alert. He was able to recount the ordeal to me as we attempted access with various ladders off of our fire engine. When I got down there I began a quick assesment and began to tie him to our backboard in preparation to get him out. We requested a heavey rescue crew and they set up an aerial ladder above the dump truck which was used to ferry the patient off of the truck. We ran code three to the local trauma center and after a quick workup by the docs he's in stable condition... a remarkable and very lucky man to be alive. Of course this spaawned the nasty off color humour known in the EMS field after a particulalry bad call where we asked "gee, wonder how many bottles it'll take to pay for his medical bills". We got coverage on the local news and on the internet (see sacto bee, metro news) Weird world folks, weird... Other than that, ran my ass off doing errands today.. no rest even though I was exhausted after a full night. Got a lot done. But the bad thing is I still have so much to do. I still need to get the car prepped for the road race. Also need to start packing. Found out that I wont have ANY help in prepping the house for move in and I only have close to 4 days to do it in. No way I will get it all done so I am considering skipping the texturing job. Much less hastle and I will save some money. Spoke with W tonight. When she heard of my plans to go to N's party she immediately asked if that was the party where N was going to try and set me up. I said yeah but said I wasnt planning on doing anything "Bad". She said she didnt care but that we were still dating and that I'd have to break up with her if I wanted to see anyone else. DUH. I told her I loved her and had no plans of messing about. I DO love her... so much at times it hurts. But hwo are we kidding and why do we play this game. I dont want to date anyone else... I dont want another girlfriend. I want W. And yet while I dont plan on finding someone to date at the party... I dont think I'd decline a kiss if one were to come my way. I know its a despicable thing and I dont want to be despicable. I love W. But I feel this weird feeling of careening towards the end... wanting to just fuck up and get it all over. Like the part when the car loses control and after fighting it and grnashing your teeth out of fear and adrenaline pumping to save your hide... you realize it's all over and there is nothing you can do... and for a split second you relax, losen your grip and stare at the wall coming at you and.... welcome it. Do your worst you say.. fuck you, I can take you... You dare it. You say you want it... But that's just the scared part of you. The part which is so tired of feeling, so tired of feeling the gut wrneching pain in your heart and wants the easy way out. Wants a reason... it happened because YOU WILLED it to happen. It happened due to circumstance.. but you WANT it. You arent afraid. As if you are trying to proove something to yourself. But I know if anything happened I'd hate myelf the next day.... which is why I know I can't do anything to hurt W.. or myself. Even though I am too weak to do the right thing... I can chose not to do the wrong thing. But then again I am drunk. YES I AM DRUNK. I bought cheap take out chineese food, watch a poor movie and then dug into my tequila and margarita mix. I've drunk abit and am a babbling fool. I am pretty damned impressed that I can still type. Self pity? a dangerous habit inthe making? Who knows. But as NIN once said... and I paraphrase, I want to hurt myself to feel real... or maybe thats not what they said... but thats how I feel. I miss the happy days. When I was first in love with G. Everything was so innocent.. or so it seemed at the time. Everything was so bright and happy. I couldnt have been happier... I need to stop while I am behind here =P forgive the babble... time to sleep this shit off... maybe run and get the angst out tommorow. =P Me (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 13th, 2002
8:43 pm	sigh... W and I So need to go our seperate ways and move on in our lives. Our interactions can make me so happy sometimes... but more often than not make me sad. Today I called and we talked and she said she needed someone who, post call, would hug her and hold her and tell her she wasn't ugly and just be with her. She says being on call at the hospital makes her feels that way and that after work she feels needy. I used to fill that need. She used to love me because I made her feel good. But I can no longer fill that void and that emptiness hurts her and it hurts me as I feel I've failed... or we've failed somehow. Truth is it's just life and it's ugly twists of fate... but it doesn't make it hurt any less. So in a fit of maturity I am going out with my room mate tonight. He's got his jets all fired up and he's pulled himself from the depths of his own post break up dispair and is actually looking forward to dating again. So tonight he wants to go watch his friends band play at a local bar and to check out the bikini contest afterwards. Yes I know, it's wholesome male oriented chauvanism at it's best.. a total degrading parade of objectified women. But for whatever reason I seek the balm of beer and being a brain dead idiot. Pleasant isn't it? Somehow I don't think getting over W will be as easy as I had thought. And perhaps in trying to get over it I'll turn toa brief bout of self destructive tendencies... Hopefully I won't make too much of an ass of myself nor hurt anyone in the process. You know, in a way I'd love to talk to someone about how they made it through a particulary hard breakup. Not necessarily an ugly breakup but one where it just HURT for whatever reasonand how you bidded your time and what worked for you... any takers? ON TO NICER STUFF!!!! My day wasn't entirely poor as it might seem. In fact the whole morning was quite nice. The car ran very nicely at the race. It was still a little loose in the rear but it was very predictable and every little tweak I did bettered my time which means that I am on the right track as far as dialing the car in. The funniest thing is I think the car is great for a heavier load but fast cars are light cars and I might have to rethink some of my suspension. On cheap tires I was pretty close to some of the miata crowd which was my whole goal so being competitive with them seems like a real possbility. The biggest worry I have is that these races aren't every weekend and every week that passes is less time to test. And thats how you get fast, by seat time racing and by testing the car out. so the car may not be properly sorted out by the end of the season. Getting closer ubt not tip top by any means. After the race I was approached by a guy I talked earlier in the morning and he invited me out to lunch with a few of his friends who had raced. I thoroughly enjoyed their company and I hope that somehow we get to hang out a bit more. I've really craved having friends who were into racing and haven't met any until now. Good news is they love road racing as well as auto crossing and they invited me to a race at laguna seca later this year. Should be fun. Biggest concern I have right now is the Hoops hillclimb which I somehow found entry into. Like I said in a previous entry it's a real road race and I am not sure the car is ready to go all out on an open road. One mess up and you are in the tree and not only is your day ruined but you lose a car and possibly get hurt. But all my team mates seem to have faith in me and all stated I have a very clean driving style... so all I can do is get her sorted out as best as I can in the next two weeks and then hope for the best. There is a small possiblity that I might get to have my cake and eat it too. It might be too much but after work, instead of napping I could go race at a local race to make sure the changes I made to the car are solid and then have a quick lunch and then drive for 5 hours and then sleep over at a friends house and then do the road race. I'd like to nap rather than race but having a safe set up is really important too. Stuff to think about... Anywho, thats about all thats on my mind. A bit of depression a bit of excitement over my car and also starting to get excited about my new house. Allthough realistically the road race comes right about when I should be moving in. Oh well, my mom will spass but life will go one. Now all I have to do is figure out how to mount the trailer hitch to the car and I will be all set to move on my own!!! (I found out a local store is having a HUGE sale on trailers and it's too good to pass up so I might as well buy a trailer instead of renting it) Well, I gotta go and eat before we go out. Me (Comment on this)
5:37 pm	quicky poo... I'm exhausted... horribly long night last night followed by racing in 100 degree heat. But good news is the car did well and I learned a bit more about it's limits. Still lots of fine tuning to be donw but again, it feels like so much potential is hiding there. Also met a bunch of new people and got invited to lunch with 5 of them. Hope to see them around a bit more. Would be nice to have car friends my age. gonna take a shower to desweat myself then a long nap. Rob (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 11th, 2002
7:44 pm	sweaty sticky icky.... Wow, the day has come to an end and good riddance. I am just sticky all over from the heat. And totally dehydrated. I get that way when I play with my cars. I somehow lose focus on time and important things like sustenance and nourishment. So this morning I crawled out of bed in the bright early am and hoped into my allready loaded car. The interior had that nice oil smell from the parts sitting inthe trunk all night and I started to get all excited just by the smells. Drove on out the this TEENY TINY little town about 20 minutes out of sacramento to a club members houses. L owns a small house with lots of land and a huge barn. As I drove back behind the house the view opened up and just like some weird car porno movie I saw L by the front door of the barn as he rolled it open for me to roll it. As the door opened up into view came his brigt red racing Rx7. The car was sitting low on its haunches and you could almost hear it reving and screaming to go hit the road. There was also an old porsche and a trans am he was restoring and all sorts of tools were everywhere. I was in heaven. We got to work right away to try and beat the mid day heat. And to my surprise everything went pretty much as planned with no hang ups. I even had time to do a few other chores on the car. it was only when I got to the last 10 bolts. The very last step when we hit a bump in the road. OOPS wrong size bolts. So we took an early lunch break and went to the hardware store afterwards. There were no identical matches so we fudged it with bolts hwich are close and are hoping they last until I get the specil order bolts from nissan on monday. Now get this. The darn bolts... $3 a piece!!!! What a frigging rip off!!! It's no wonder these car companies are rolling in cash. All the bolts I bought from the harware store costed less than one stinkin bolt! But as L put it, when you race cars you do it right or else pay the price a day, a week, a month or whenever later. Things break and you need the best esp when those 10 bolts are the only things holding the wheels to the transmission and there are close to 180 horsies jumping up and down on the bolts. Thats 18 horsies trying to break each 1/4 inch bolt. YIPES. But that's the mantra of racing, I trust my equipment implicitly. Anywho, I got home washed the car down, and am about to grab some dinner, a quick shower to wash off the icky salty sweat from my body and sleep fitfully dreaming of races to be done in two days and of road racing thrills to be had in naught but a few weeks. Ah, silly boy dreams =9 Rob (Comment on this)
7:44 pm	sweaty sticky icky.... Wow, the day has come to an end and good riddance. I am just sticky all over from the heat. And totally dehydrated. I get that way when I play with my cars. I somehow lose focus on time and important things like sustenance and nourishment. So this morning I crawled out of bed in the bright early am and hoped into my allready loaded car. The interior had that nice oil smell from the parts sitting inthe trunk all night and I started to get all excited just by the smells. Drove on out the this TEENY TINY little town about 20 minutes out of sacramento to a club members houses. L owns a small house with lots of land and a huge barn. As I drove back behind the house the view opened up and just like some weird car porno movie I saw L by the front door of the barn as he rolled it open for me to roll it. As the door opened up into view came his brigt red racing Rx7. The car was sitting low on its haunches and you could almost hear it reving and screaming to go hit the road. There was also an old porsche and a trans am he was restoring and all sorts of tools were everywhere. I was in heaven. We got to work right away to try and beat the mid day heat. And to my surprise everything went pretty much as planned with no hang ups. I even had time to do a few other chores on the car. it was only when I got to the last 10 bolts. The very last step when we hit a bump in the road. OOPS wrong size bolts. So we took an early lunch break and went to the hardware store afterwards. There were no identical matches so we fudged it with bolts hwich are close and are hoping they last until I get the specil order bolts from nissan on monday. Now get this. The darn bolts... $3 a piece!!!! What a frigging rip off!!! It's no wonder these car companies are rolling in cash. All the bolts I bought from the harware store costed less than one stinkin bolt! But as L put it, when you race cars you do it right or else pay the price a day, a week, a month or whenever later. Things break and you need the best esp when those 10 bolts are the only things holding the wheels to the transmission and there are close to 180 horsies jumping up and down on the bolts. Thats 18 horsies trying to break each 1/4 inch bolt. YIPES. But that's the mantra of racing, I trust my equipment implicitly. Anywho, I got home washed the car down, and am about to grab some dinner, a quick shower to wash off the icky salty sweat from my body and sleep fitfully dreaming of races to be done in two days and of road racing thrills to be had in naught but a few weeks. Ah, silly boy dreams =9 Rob (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 10th, 2002
11:24 pm	oddities... Sometimes I'm just bumblbing about my own life, doing things just like normal when my conciousness decides wander off on it's own while the body just futzes about... And after leaving and wandering about the conciousness takes a look around and stops in it's tracks and "Oh my god"... Looks at the state of things and wonders just how the fuck it got that way.... Now I am not lamenting my poor poor soul nor my unfortunately luck/life... I am not crying about my sex life or anything else of that sort. It's just a weird matter of a fact observation that sometimes my life is a vague simile of those daytime shows I love to hate. I'd gone to catch the movie Spiderman and on the way home decided to grab a bite to eat. In a moment of weird spontenaeity I went to Mels Diner to grab my favorite Reuben sandwich (if you don't know what one is, you've got to try one. It tends to sound vile to the uninitiated but good glory does it tast _yummy_!) and in a moment of vanity, to grab another look at a cute waitress I know who works there. I thought it'd be a neat thing to assert myself and try out being bold... maybe to get a number. Not a number to use.. but a number to see if I could. She wasn't there so I grabed the usual Sacramento rag: News and review. It's truly a rag and has very little of worth. In some ways it emulates its bigger brethren the SF bay Guardian and the SF weekly but somehow lacks that edginess.. That big city flavour which I miss. I miss the bawdy days of berkeleydom and the fun nights with my friends pretending that nothing mattered than our own fun explorations of the future and our destinies. Anyhow, the main article was an exploration of the dating scene in sacramento in all its nasty lurid detail. There were several writers who contributed seperate stories each of which leading me to gag. One, written by some self righteous and super important writer who had no time for games went to a "speed dating" service. You meet several other people at an arranged spot and have 15 minutes to get to know them then move on to the next. At the end of the night you had a card and write yes and no by those whom you wish to see again and those whom you dont. Matchs get personal info but this particular individual seemed so high on himself that most struck him as shallow and not worthy of his time, admitting to culling his list to only the very most promising so as not to upset his allready busy schedule. Article two was written by a woman professing her need to find Mr.Right. A nice guy who had it all: wealth, generosity, good looks, and was a monster in bed. Not too demanding in her needs she has chosen to frequent a local Swingers bar looking for that meaning ful connection but is frustrated when all the men she meets only want sex sex.. and well you guessed it, sex. Wonder when she's gonna get it... She's going to a swingers club looking for Richard Gere in pretty woman. Oh but she's a self proclaimed princess who can't be bothered with less than the best. Grumble. Freak. After having a good laugh over the article and dinner I left for home and called W. W surprised me by saying she'd spoken with my friend N and N was asking W for her permision to set me up with a friend of hers in a few weekends. I asked W if it occured to her how perverse it was for her to be a part of pandering me off to some random other girl. She told me she'd rather me go out with some "nice girl" whom she had a choice in than some "nasty old ho" I chose. This is where the big question mark pops up in the bubble above my head. AWOOO? Then she goes off on a completely random but no less weird tangent: "you know I'll be coming back from Kenya on our 5 year anniversary. Wanna keep dating till then. Wasn't that your goal"? Somehow the goal oriented dating thing had ecaped me to this point. Was I supposed to be keeping track? Do I get some bonus award for 5 years? The talk had gotten too weird and so I excused myself. So the majority of that weirdness buzzed about my head and something became very clear. Okay two things, one being that I am dating a very odd woman indeed. But more importantly... That I want to tackle singledom on my own terms and not have it handed to me. I am ready to dip my toes in the pool but eye anyone close by with intense suspicion when they get close enough to push me in. Why? In the end I'll be in the pool, wet hair and all... plunged in by design or by force... but wet none the less, so why the pretense? I think W is on to this and somehow I'm the fucked up one who's not quick in tune with the rest of the music. Capiche any of that ranting? I'm not sure I do. In any case The VLSD goes in the car tommorow. Wish me luck.. Hopefully it will be a painless install and I will be a happy pavement shredder by noon... but then again that may be too optimistic as well... Additionally wish me mental health. I am thinking about going to the Polly Esthers foam party and like some weird mushroom I've been handed and dared to eat I'm going to N's party and meet this random "nice girl with a tongue ring" and fall down some magic hole. Where will I pop out no one knows except the rabit... Rob (Comment on this)
3:07 pm	First time for everything... Well I had somthing stolen from my porch for the first time. I had ordered replacement springs for my car and the guy told me theyd be sent right out. I waited a week and then called the company back and was told theyd been delivered to my doorstep the next day. Well I never got them and UPS swears it was delivered. SIGH. In such a nice neighborhood someone is out stealing packages... and for what? These springs are race specific springs. whoever stole them couldn't use them unless he had a racecar and specialized race shocks. And he can't sell them for much even if he knew what they were worth. Just peeves me the petty stuff that goes on in this world because a few people are dishonest. In any case it looks like UPS might refund the company and the company will send me out a new set albeit several weeks late. Good news is I spoke with one of my car club members and a race I was unqualified to do last year I might be able to do this year. Its different from the standard race format in that this is not a race around cones for time but rather is a true road race on an open road. The road is on an indian reservation and it climbs from the base of the reservation up a mountain to the top. It's a two lane road with good pavement. Once a year the tribal council shuts the road down to public traffic and throws a road race. Since the road is closed you can use both lanes when driving the hill and there is no speed limit (unless of course you count gravity!). Only experienced drivers are allowed and the course manager said if I could get a team mate to ovuch for my experience I'd be allowed to race and I've gotten two people who'd vouch for me! So if all works out I'll be road racing later this month. Only thing is I need to buy a small fire extinguisher to comply with the rules but that should be pretty easy. Other news... hrmm.. not much of note. Having an intern is sort of cool but I miss working on patients. no real good calls recently. But the kid is doing well so far. I think my partner is being a bit easy on him though and it seems like he is content with his performance thus far to pass him allready. But so far no trial by fire and we'll see when it all hits the fan how he handles it. Temps are soaring here. Texas has water and we have sun. Lots of it. Temps yesterday hit 109 and it's expected to get hotter today, past the 110 mark. I've never felt heat like this in my life outside of a burning building ;) Also goo dnews I tracked down the guy withthe lift from my car club and he'll help put in the differential tommorow morning. This is great as it'll vastly improove the cars handling and it's in time for next weekends race. Just hope I dont hit nasty unforseen bumps in the installation but thats a given in racing... every improovement sucks for a week before you can iron it out. Kind of like the extra port on the VLSD which I cant figure out what its for. Hoping its not important ;) Anyhow, gotta cook lunch then maybe catch a movie =9 Rob (Comment on this)
Monday, July 8th, 2002
1:35 pm	woof! Back to work on the medic and I am paying for my comment early in the morning regarding my time on engine 11. "Hey rob, how was your last rotation?" "It was okay, but we barely ran ANY calls. I was about to go stir crazy" Today? The calls never ended. We never slept. I hurt. OUCH. But the okay news is that my partner has an intern he is precepting and as a result I drove all day and didnt touch a patient. It sort of is a relief but also a pain because while I dont have to deal with the usual crap we get I cant get to play on the good calls =P Nearly had a heart attack yesterday. Got a phone call at around one and wasnt able to get to the phone (having late lunch due to being busy). Grabbed the phone after finishing and got a message from W who was tear choked and barely coherent. I freaked out wondering what was wrong and called her back immediately. Apparently something had happened to her grandfather in india and the docs there didnt think he was going to make it. Now W sort of half expected him to pass in the near future but she was torn to pieces because she wanted him to live to see her graduate and also for her to visit one last time. Even worse the condition of him was pretty nebulous since NO information was forthcomming and what little she got was 4th hand. First she heard stroke on friday, then something glucose related. And last she heard he was vomiting blood. To the best of her knowledge he didnt have any huge conditions which would cause massive internal hemmorhaging and the lack of knowledge was driving her to tears. Getting prepared for death is one thing... Getting prepared for death not knowing anything is the worst. I didn't know much of what to say but just spoke to her for a bit and in the end that's all she said she needed. She just wanted to hear my voice. sigh. I told her I'd be on an airplane ASAP if she needed it but she said no. I called her later that night to check up on her and she seemed better, drained but better. Turns out one of our suspicions was correct and the ill informed doctors over there had over reacted and her grandfather is stable and doing fine. He may yet see W graduate. So it was a big heart wrencher as well as a relief talking to W yesterday. I am glad though for her... I met her grandparents and she was very close to them and while I cannot feel her pain I know it must have been hard for her. In any case, thats about the whole of it. Still waiting to see if the house will record today since the botch up friday. going to see if I can't graba quick lunch and then a movie before the club meeting tonight. Rob (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 6th, 2002
11:45 pm	heheh just came back from Men In Black 2. It was pretty funny. Not as good as the first one but good none the less. Also found out that the movie theater does discounts and so I will be visiting that one quite a bit when I move. Also there's a Kinkos closeby. Am starting to know the new neighborhood a bit better. Still can't move in for a couple more weeks and, if a recent fiasco with the tittle company doesn't get resvoled soon may not ever. Probably not a big issue but they held off recording the house so it didnt happen on friday. Will have to see what happens on monday. Am super dehydrated. been chugging liters of water and still am thristy. The heat of the day (mid 90s) and the sitting in a black car, on black tarmac, wearing a helmet just wore me out. Will sleep well tonight. Anywho, gots to go to sleep now =) Me PS. talking to N this weekend was nice. Must hang out with her more often. She did, after all, provide inside tips for "macking" on girls and even told me that a girl I once told her that I thought was cute will be attending a party at the end of this month and that I should attend. Heheheh now THATS a good friend lookin out! (Comment on this)