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Monday, September 9th, 2002
10:42 pm - Feeling My Own Self Pity Again
That's about all that's been going on lately, so anyone bored already can just stop until further notice.
--------------------------
alone and pathetic again
in the corner of an empty page
sucking back the sand of self pity
waking up to the real world
music is falling tiles toward my skull
least that's what it says in my obituary
so over the top and curious
to watch me fail
and grate my skin in southern fashion
purring when you're told
and the pressure's too much
take it out in your screams
clobbered by athletic confidence
fanning, spreading the wings too thin
overanalyzing a drink
goddamned intelligent
fucking garbage state
brought to scale
operating for itself
and its size
-------------------------


I lost my self confidence
in the quicksand...

Maybe I do still have it.

current mood: sick
current music: Finger Eleven - Quicksand

(slap me)

12:42 am
I know my entries have been short lately. I guess it's because I've been too busy surrounded by people to really think at all. In the last little while I've been really really missing having time alone to write. I miss my guitar. I miss doing anything that means something to me.

I miss me.

current mood: exhausted
current music: Ben Folds- Golden Slumbers

(2 slaps - slap me)

Sunday, September 8th, 2002
9:27 pm - Back
I'm back from my weekend at home. I miss A/C and my bed. That's about all.

current mood: tired
current music: fan

(slap me)

Friday, September 6th, 2002
12:15 am - First Classes
Had Psych, Philosophy and Physics today. It doesn't seem too scary. Pretty much waht I expected. I don't feel like going into it. It's so weird that we're going home tomorrow; part of me has had enough already.

current mood: blank
current music: Dave Matthews Band - I did it

(slap me)

Wednesday, September 4th, 2002
9:10 pm - A New Record
I may have hit my school downward skid earlier than ever this year.

*begins ticker tape parade*

current mood: down
current music: Late! - Dave Grohl - Friend Of A Friend

(slap me)

5:07 pm - Okay, Fine
I decided to do a real update. Things are fine here, it's pretty much what I expected. The way we figured it, frosh is like camp for people that never went to camp, but nowhere near as good. People do seem to be enjoying it though.

Our apartment is coming together. Still some bugs to work out (the fridge isn't cold, the freezer doesn't freeze) but things are looking alright.

It's good to be reconnected to the world.

current mood: blah
current music: Finger Eleven - Broken Words

(slap me)

5:03 pm - I Have...
the Internet! Yes!

current mood: happy
current music: Smashing Pumpkins - Here's To The Atom Bomb

(slap me)

Sunday, September 1st, 2002
9:58 pm - The Last Hurrah
This is my last entry from home, because I've packed everything but my computer. Fortunately, since I have so much random shit in my room, I don't have the depressing vision of a totally empty room, but it's still pretty barren. It's weird to think that as of tomorrow I won't live here anymore. I like it here. But I guess everything changes. As soon as I get the net hooked up there I'll be updating like mad again.

I really love this song. It just feels right, right now.

In a bullet proof vest,
With the windows all closed,
I'll be doing my best,
I'll see you soon,
In a telescope lens,
And when all you want is friends,
I'll see you soon,
I'll see you soon.


Now things get interesting.

current mood: calm
current music: Coldplay - See You Soon

(slap me)

1:11 am - I'm in a New York State of Mind
I don't really know why I didn't update earlier. I was home for a while today. All I did was get my car washed (a real wash, with vacuum and stuff, it looks amazing) and go to the stupid driving range with my stupid family. My bitterness stems from the 2 blisters I got and from the breaking of my watch.

Lindsay and I went to the Joe Satriani/Dream Theater concert tonight. Satch was amazing as always, but I'd never heard DT and wasn't impressed. They were all remarkable musicians, but it seemed like they couldn't play together, and their vocalist sucked ass. But it was so good to spend time with Sam. She was another of the folks I wanted to catch before I left. Afterward we all went to the Ex and I'm proud to say I only spent 5 bucks.

I guess I could have gotten more done today had I not gone to bed at 3:30 yesterday because I was at Cara's place. Cara is a friend that I went to camp with but then we didn't speak much over the last year or two. Leave it to icq to bring people together. She's a totally cool chick from B.C. that's at Ryerson now. We're going to make a real effort to stay in touch. It was funny because her apartment is at Church and Wellesley, which is such a sketchy part of town, and I wouldn't walk back to the car myself. I'm such a hurtbag. Okay, it wasn't that funny.

-------------------------------------
Just a Prayer to Whoever's Up There

it's almost funny
almost
the emptiness holding up this
larger than life society
so over-the-top
and artificially intellgient
that we've come to accept
as normal.
some dreamstilts.

we stare blankly at parking tickets,
blow our lives earning paper money
to spend viewing human torture
that we've disguised as entertainment,
if another boxing arena is filled,
i'll blow my brains out
with the guns they used
at Columbine.
students of higher learning
break each others' windows,
steal bar signs
and drink till they die
because it's funny.
And though
everything I say
comes with a gradient of cliche,
nothing gets done,
because
we're the eccentric ones.

so please,
if you do
the whole reincarnation jig,
don't bother
with me.


current mood: contemplative
current music: Smashing Pumpkins - landslide

(slap me)

Friday, August 30th, 2002
12:31 am - Don't Let Me Down
I don't know why I just got hit with this bout of loneliness. Just more missing people I guess. That, and I gave more thought to what Mich said about being staff, and once again, she was right. I'm not up to the job. I just wish there was some other way to spend that much time surrounded with friends I love that much.

Something to cheer me up: )

current mood: down
current music: Nick Drake - Know

(slap me)

Thursday, August 29th, 2002
11:19 pm - "You say that love is a hell you cannot bear/ so I say give me mine back and then go there, for all I care."
I didn't do so much tonight, but I put a couple of things in bxzes, and cleaned some shit up. And I finally got my much, much needed haircut. It was turning into lush rainforest up there.

For a while I've been giving a lot of thought to going back to camp. I spoke to Michelle about it at the farm, because I knew she would have some insight on the subject. There are a million things on my plate right now, but when things calm down a little I want to think about it more. It would require some serious growing up over this year, but I think that's inevitable, so it may work out nicely.

Gotta shower, last day at the bank tomorrow.

current mood: thoughtful
current music: Fiona Apple - Sleep to Dream

(slap me)

3:25 pm - "I'm Changing My Last Name to Vanilla."
Didn't get a chance to update before I left for the farm, so I might as well start in saying that I'm slightly less bitter now. Although the class I wanted to switch is still going to be a problem, I've gotten most everything done that I had to.

Saying goodbye to Apter was hard; she's going so far away. I'm sure she'll be fine, I just hope we stay in touch like we do now. But since we both live on icq, that shouldn't be a problem. There were a lot of people at her place that I wanted to see, so that was a good chance to cross off more names of people to see. Went for the last Duff's of the summer. That was really sad. I don't know how I'm going to live without it. It's so addictive, I'm going to have serious cravings every Tuesday night.

After dinner I got to say goodbye to more people because Eda left yesterday. I was there until 3:30 watching her pack and stuff with that whole group. More names off the list.

Wednesday I went with Michelle and Damelin to his family's farm. We were only there one night, but I needed some hard core quality time with those two. I had such a great time. It's too bad that I'm most enjoying the time right before I have to say goodbye. But I guess that's always how it goes.

I have to find some way to be productive tonight, because there's just too much to do. And Lindsay's book came, so I have to apparently pick it up at Shopper's tomorrow after 1 P.M. Boo-erns.

P.S. Weirdest event ever: When I got my oil changed they gave me a bottle of honey. WTF?

P.P.S. shmanny: When are you free between now and Sunday?

current mood: busy
current music: John Mayer- 83

(slap me)

Monday, August 26th, 2002
11:50 pm - "Everybody's alright, everything is automatic, everybody's alright, everything is skin deep..."
What's weird is I was going to use that MGB quote as my subject even before I took shmanny's stupid canadian musician quiz. Sorry Shman, but any quiz that tells me I'm that fucking worthless prick Robin Black has serious issues.

I hate school. I hate Western. I hate it all. Me mad. Me want break things. Fucking 80 million dollars on books, and I only bought for half my courses. So much to do tomorrow. I really hope I get everything done so I can go to Damelin's farm Wednesday. I need a nice break. Now I must go make a list of the many, many things I have to do tomorrow and how I'll do them all with my car being maintenanced. This whole experience is just leaving me clawing for more time away from school, my old arch nemesis. Worse than fucking kryptonite man, I swear to god. I think I'll go vomit.

How is there anyone on the planet that thinks anything other than Finger Eleven is perfect for when you're angry?

current mood: pissed off
current music: Finger Eleven - Condenser

(slap me)

1:02 am - Holy Fuck
Tool Tool Tool Tool Tool Tool Tool Tool Tool Tool Tool Tool Tool Tool Tool Tool Tool Tool Tool Tool Tool Tool Tool Tool Tool Tool Tool Tool Tool Tool Tool

Holy shit, every band should be forced to go to a tool show and then match it in goodness. Everything about it was amazing. I don't even want to go to London tomorrow, I want to go to another Tool show.

Ah.

current mood: shocked
current music: buzzing in ears

(slap me)

Sunday, August 25th, 2002
3:00 am - Tal's
The party was good, though not nearly as fun as Apter's. I was actually MORE entertained when I was sober and everyone else was drunk, than the other way around. Strange. Meh, fun anyway. I'm super excited for Tool tomorrow.

On a side note, it's so strange that Rishi's leaving tomorrow. School is so soon. Maybe it's the drink talking, but I'm ready for it.

current mood: drunk
current music: Finger Eleven - Tip

(slap me)

Saturday, August 24th, 2002
9:05 pm
It's always pleasant to be reminded that even the things you are best at, there are so many people that are so much better than you are. Always a pleasure.

current mood: pissed off
current music: Unified Theory - Full Flavor

(2 slaps - slap me)

2:09 am - Apter's Party
After work and jewdinner, I went over to Apter's for partying it up. It was smashing good fun! Rish was fucking hilarious (although he drank a little too much; I'm sure he knows it- feel better, man.) and actually, everyone that was drunk was really funny. It was good to see many people I hadn't seen in quite some time. I drove, so I couldn't drink, but tomorrow night is Tal's, so I'm all over that.

I think tomorrow will be a chilling day. Things are really picking up; I totally forgot that Sunday is Tool. I might be heading up to Damelin's farm next week, and I have to do the last of the stuff-getting. Yeesh, it's enough already.

current mood: bouncy
current music: Tool - Hush

(slap me)

Friday, August 23rd, 2002
1:14 am - "The Dude Abides..."
Watched the Big Lebowski tonight. I hadn't seen it in a long time, and I forgot how damn funny that movie is. Quality entertainment.

I went downtown with Linds today to buy posters for my room. I got a Beatles one, Jack Daniels, Blind Melon (which I decided I'm hanging here to replace whatever I bring from my room) and one that just says "bollocks". And to that my BM 8 x 10 print, Herbie Hancock, and Fight Club, and things are shaping up nicely. =)

One P.S. about the cottage: lost my ring on the dock that I had for 3 years. Major sentimental value. So it goes.

current mood: full
current music: New Finger Eleven Songs

(slap me)

Wednesday, August 21st, 2002
10:23 pm - Katzman's Kottage Part 2
Monday I left for my second trip in 2 years to Katzman's cottage. It took about 5 minutes to fall back in love with it. As he put it this morning, "do nothing and eat like kings." Just sitting around eating, drinking, playing, laughing, tanning, everything camp-like that made me miss camp so much more. Met so many interesting people. It's like not being at camp this year made me totally unprepared for the sensory overload that an experience like that brings. I almost want to cry a post-camp cry, even though I was only there 2 nights. But it's just so special. Such innocent, genuine feeling. No bad feelings toward anyone, or anything awkward; it was such a welcome change, my repetition doesn't do it justice. I easily could have spent another week there, if it wasn't for peoples' commitments at home.

Do nothing and eat like kings.

With your favourite people on the planet.

I just miss it too damn much.

Enter post-camp cry.

current mood: sad
current music: Nick Drake - Pink Moon

(2 slaps - slap me)

Monday, August 19th, 2002
1:18 am - Big Update
So last night was supposed to be Lindsay's party, but it kinda didn't work out because people were out of town and at concerts and stuff, so we just hung out with Zack, and then she slept over. I didn't do much today, because we're going to the cottage tomorrow and it's gonna take quite a toll on my body. I think it's a good call.

I saw one of my closest friends yesterday for the last time before she goes off to McGill. It was pretty sad. I'm going to need a sick phone plan next year. I miss being all together with the people I care about.

I should be off to bed, because tomorrow is going to be crazy. It was good to see Eda, Deborah, Rish, etc. tonight. And I got home and found out I won the auction on Lindsay's present that I didn't think I had a chance of winning. Hooray!

current mood: peaceful
current music: Crash Test Dummies- Keep A Lid On Things

(2 slaps - slap me)


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