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Wednesday, August 14th, 2002
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1:39 pm
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mike flipped his car last night less than 200 feet from my house. he's fucking alive, and fucking lucky too... i haven't slept or ate yet. all I can do is cry. but i'm still here at fucking work, typing up goddamn school turnaround plans. mom came over to LPC at like midnight, yelled "Jer, are you ok?"... I was like what the fuck is she doing here "Yeah, I'm fine... why?" "he's ok but mike got in an accident, he flipped his car"... after that I'm not really sure what happened. I think my body went into some kind of shock... I know she took me home, and I was with him the rest of the night. I kept getting sick and I couldnt' stop shaking. so weird how your body reacts to emotional trauma. I'd rather break all my bones than deal with that shit. physical pain is so much easier to deal with. i don't really know what else to write, just had to get that off my chest before I explode
current mood:  drained
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| Monday, August 12th, 2002
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10:48 am
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theres one weekend left in the summer, before I have to go back to school. what is that all about? I honestly thought that there was 2 left. I just had a really sad feeling ride through my entire body like a wave. I don't want to go back to Geneseo. I don't want this summer to end. damnit. fuck.
vacation was nice and relaxing. the white mountains in NH are pretty amazing.
why is it that whatever is healthy is often so much harder to do than what hurts you more in the end?? I see this in so many aspects of my life. a few examples, I've been smoking for 5 years, and I'm only 20, thats gross, its unhealthy and expensive, but so hard to quit. I wish I was addicted to spinach or tofu or something really healthy. also, everyone has always said that its healthier to talk about your problems/traumas etc., I know this, I tell myself this over and over again, I feel sad inside and I think I need to go talk to someone, but I'm not sure if it will really help. I never understood how talking about something makes it go away. it seems like it's easier for me to store it away in the back on my mind, and whenever it comes up I just try and ignore it. the problem is it's getting harder and harder to ignore, its always there these days... and I think it might be affecting how I act/ interact with people I'm close too. ha, see right there, I went off on a whole tangent about it... hm. anyway back to my original question... does anyone out there have any idea why its harder to do whats healthy?? I'm hoping once I figure this out, I may be able to change it.
current mood:  weird
current music: life is a highway, in my head
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, August 1st, 2002
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11:45 am
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everyone is in a meeting, i love when that happens. I get to eat all the cheez-its I want, what could possibly be better? maybe a full weeks paid vacation to hmm.... anywhere that isn't work. haha. I can dream. Speaking of dreaming, i keep having these really weird terrorist dreams. One night they bombed the eiffel tower and I could see it falling. another night it was random places in NYC, but places with little kids in them. what terrible dreams. I hope they aren't premonitions or anything silly like that.
tuesday, mike and I hiked around the preserve. he took me too this really cool place off of the track, if you go to the right when you first get on the track path, once the stone wall begins you go off to the right again into the woods, and look for a big grassy place. theres an old rusted trailer out there too. pretty cool place. yesterday, we went searching for a waterfall that mom told me was somewhere on the partridge run stateland, so we looked at a topo map, found a ravine and went there. unfortunately, it was dry as a bone. so we just hiked around for a bit, exploring.
he brought up the fact that theres only 4 weeks left till we both go back to school. I didn't really know what to say, so I just said "yeah, wow" haha. I need to grow some motherfucking balls and just talk to him about whats going to happen. its weird, I hardly know anything about his past relationships, because I'm terrified that if I ask, he'll ask about mine. I feel like I'm keeping our relationship on this outer level, not letting it get any deeper than I can possibly control. but I think I might kick myself in the ass later for this, b/c he is the first guy I've dated in a long time for more than a month. it seems like I always found something wrong with the others, but no matter what I just want to spend more and more time with him. its crazy
but.... I can't wait to see Jim and Eric and all my geneseo boys.
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9:22 am
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CHELSEE'S HOME!!! She called me yesterday from Pennsylvania saying she had got my message about going to NH when she was originally planning on coming home and so she got in her car and drove the 12 hours home. I couldn't be happier. She came over last night for a little while w/ Kyle just to say hi, but they both were real tired so they left pretty early. I'll see her tonight though. There is so much to tell her. She is really the only person that I feel completely comfortable talking too. And I never get to see her!! This world is full of a lot of bullshit.
26 days till school starts. goddamn. Here I am bundled up in Kims afgan, searching the internet for info on homelessness on the stand alone, freezing my butt off in the AC. what fun.
Monday night was a celtic concert at washington park, a group called Danu, a whole slew of young goodlooking men with irish accents, I wanted to marry every one of them. well I think I'm back to the binders now. more later.
current mood:  cold
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| Monday, July 29th, 2002
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2:04 pm
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Matts here! It's so good to see him, it's been forever. He and his girlfriend went to a DMB concert last night at SPAC and they spent the night last night and are going to another concert tonight. I got to visit with them for a little while on my lunch break. I can't wait for New Hampshire this year, it'll be nice to spend more time with him and kieran and jon.
ok, we woke up around 5:30 am and he dropped me off at home (mike) I slept till about 11. Then he came over around 1 and we went hiking around Cole Hill, on the Long Path, took a g-hit from one of the streams. tons of water striders. then back to shower and off to the Carey party at the Institute. Open bar, oh baby. the nights drinks consisted of many soco and cokes, white russians, black russians, wine w/ dinner, champagne w/ dessert and a few beers. needless to say, I ended up puking in a few places and passing out on mikes lap on the porch at LPC, where we both fell asleep until I dragged us up to a bed, haha. what a night. he was real good though, rubbed my back the entire time I was puking, which was on and off for a good hour or so. what a guy. the next morning was pretty rough too, except it was his turn not mine. he got sick 4 or 5 times the next morning. we just lounged around, recovering, than went to washington park to see George M! We only lasted a little while though. Not my type of musical and we were both exhausted. Saw Chelsee Teale though, from geneseo. that was cool. less than a month till school. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
current mood:  full
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11:13 am - the weekend
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well the weekend flew by again. friday I hung out w/ hillary and crystal for awhile. i miss hanging out with those guys a lot. but all they do is drink, last summer I had the energy to do that all the time. this summer is a different story. anyway, around 10:30 pm they all decide they are going to Queens (NYC) and coming back the next morning, a bunch of wackos if you ask me. I ended up going back to LPC and Mike and I went up to Cheese Hill and slept out under the stars. we didn't mean to fall asleep out there, since a pretty major road runs by the field we passed out in, but both of us kept saying, "wouldn't it be cool to sleep out here" and I guess we both just passed out, butt naked nonetheless. I can't imagine what would have happened if the farmer who owns that field happened upon us in the morning. would have been interesting thats for sure. ok gotta get back to work. more later
current mood:  awake
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| Friday, July 26th, 2002
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2:02 pm - what a crazy day
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dinner last night was nice, we went to a resturant up in the catskills called the point, you could apparently see 5 states on a clear day. we thought we saw three. good enough for me. after we got back, the moon was amazing, so I went up to Cheese Hill (top of the world) and layed out in the big field, smoked a small bowl, and about half a pack of cigarettes and enjoyed the full moon. I love it up there, so quiet, nothing but fields and sky surrounding you.
today has been hellish so far, just a billion things that need to be done here at work, and no time, and of course everyone thinks I should get there shit done first. AHHHH. its 2 now though, so only 3 more hours. I'm taking a little break now to write this and regain some sanity.
I hope something is going on tonight, I need to get really really really wasted. its been way too long. I miss chelsee so much, I wish she would come home already. damn kyle for keeping her out in michigan, I can only last so long without seeing her before I start to go crazy.
tomorrow is the carey party, fireworks and free dinner, hell yea can't wait. thats all for now.
question for anyone who reads this: what is your favorite book? I love reading and am always looking for good books to get my hands on...
current mood:  stressed
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, July 25th, 2002
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12:20 pm - I can't help myself, I am drawn to these things
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The Past And Future
10 Years Ago, I...
... was 10
... was in Mrs. Persico's class writing stories
... read my favorite book The Farthest Away Mountain for the first time
... started playing the flute, even though I wanted to play the drums instead
... shared a room with my little sister, weird
5 Years Ago, I...
... was 15
... was in love with Taso, whoa
... working on the preserve
... most likely in New Hampshire on vacation
... was on the track team, haha
1 Year Ago, I...
... was 19
... was probably sitting at this same desk exactly a year ago
... was living up the single life in Cairo, partying at Chaz's like it was my job
... still had the beast, my beloved station wagon that has since kicked the bucket
... was sane
Today, I...
... woke up and rode my bike to work
... at 4 tootsie rolls and drank a pepsi
... fucked around online for awhile
... tried to call mike so he could find my missing watch
... thought about how much I wished I wasn't at work
Yesterday, I...
... went hiking at Kauterskill Falls
... has sex in the woods on a bed of grass
... got my grades from Geneseo and brought them home to my parents
... fucked around online for awhile
... talked on the phone w/ Keith for two hours editing a piece he'd faxed me to type up
Tomorrow, I will...
... ride my bike to work again
... drink some beers and smoke some pot w/ Hillary
... convince someone to go to a club w/ me so I can finally dance
... complain about how much I hate clubs but go anyway and dance
... read, read, read
current mood:  hungry
current music: in my head- fleetwood mac- landslide
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9:22 am
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well lets see. first, we now have tootsie rolls in the office and I don't think I could be happier, maybe if the bowl was sitting on my desk instead of Kims. The boss lady brought her son Silus in today, what a cutie, and I love that name... Silus. They pronounce it like Silo but with 'us' on the end instead. haha. don't think I needed to explain that but oh well. I can't sign on to IM here which is some bullshit, because I don't have the right "priviledges". I've been working in this place for 4 years, you'd think I'd have some priviledges, goddamn. i think i'm just bitter b/c I have a whole pile of documents on my desk that need to be collated and put in folders, ugh. so anything (whether its talking on IM or complaining on live journal) that helps me procrastinate collating sounds like fun to me.
ok, I just did 4 folders, started to feel guilty about it, haha. now I can rest for awhile.
last night mike and I drove up to Kauterskill Falls in the Catskill Mountains. What an awesome hike. there was a trail that followed the side of the waterfall up the mountain. three levels of 80 ft waterfalls. as soon as we got up to the middle waterfall mike got naked and ran around in the falls, what a nut he is. I made him get dressed after we smoked a bowl and a family w/ two young kids was making their ascent up the hill. ha, I wish I'd had a camera. after that we decided to try and get to the top of the falls. quite a hike up there, beautiful and definitely worth it at the top. after that we just hiked up the stream bed (or should I say rock bed). I love streams like that that are littered with rocks, so many cool things to find. and I love imagining how they all got there. at the bottom of the waterfalls there were some HUGE boulders, its cool to think that one day, years and years ago they were all tumbling down the countryside like a giant river of rocks. wish I could have seen it.
last night when he dropped me off, I think we got in a fight, lol, I probably shouldn't be laughing about it. but i can't even figure out what it was about. i think we were both just tired and cranky, I know I was at least. ok now I'm going to go make folders like its my job, oh wait it is.
Daybreak
you're in an isolated cell with out a glimpse of hope
your wine is long gone and you've run out of smokes
your brain feels like a jelly fish in the ocean over your head
you try and seize the day, if you could only crawl out of bed
so, what you gonna do when the sun won't shine, what you gonna do when the words don't rhyme
one runs, one hides, one throws a little fit, one like a coward takes a knife to his wrist
but another brushes away his stripes
adopting a comical approach to life
cause he can laugh, he can sing, he can make his life a dream
no matter how oppressed he will always be free
she's got her hands around your neck, like a noose ready to squeeze
you think you're standing tall but you're really on your knees
and then one day it comes, like some how i knew it would
loves a fatal game, where evil always triumps over good
so what you gonna do when your soulmate dies
what you gonna do when the devil cries
one dips, one skips, one cashes in his chips, one poor fool swan dives off a cliff
but another smiles in the golden sunlight
lets the honey rays turn his dark soul bright
cause he can ride, he can glide, he can burn and stay inside
they can crush your every bone
but they can never ever kill your pride
you take a look around the room at these friends mos here,
as your tear slowly drops into your glass of beer
you laugh at the future and you cringe at your past
conciously hoping this day will be your last
and when you try and tell them just exactly how you feel
your talents so discomfort it with cold hard steel
each new day brings a different set of eyes
things fall apart so easy, when drowned by lies
so what you gonna do when the musics through
what you gonna do when the truth's not true
one sighs, one cries, one admits to his demise, one man puts a bullet right between his eyes
but another makes day break out of night, hits the bubble gum and feels quite alright
cause he can hum, while he strums a little tune on the guitar
you could drive a thousand miles, and be exactly right where you are
current mood:  bored
current music: I wish I was listening to LBDAS - Daybreak
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| Wednesday, July 24th, 2002
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1:38 pm
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well the pizza party was interesting at that. it consisted of mom, dad, ally and matt, mike, ryan, hillary, kaitlin and pat. what a mix. the cake kicked ass though, and I got a new backpack, a cool compass, a shirt and some ghetto body spray. all in all a good day. afterwards, we went over to LPC (Lincoln Pond Cottage) took some killer bong rips from this kid Matts bong (he left it at lincoln pond after getting into an accident a few nights ago). listened to some music, bullshitted for awhile. then hillary, kait and pat left for roberto's house and mike and I went to his house and had crazy sex all night and morning, resulting in my being late to work, oh well. i'd say it was worth it. I also think that I had a little breakdown last night or something. mike and I were just talking on the front porch and he was asking about my grades or something and i just said i didn't want to talk about it, and then I couldn't stop thinking about it, and I felt like all that shit just cameup and took over my body, I couldn't talk and I could barely breath and my whole body was shaking... very weird. anything like that ever happened to anyone else out there?? I think its just all that stress and shit being held inside wanting to come out. can't let it out yet though. I know I need to go talk to someone but now is just not the time. soon, hopefully. anyway, it passed within like 45 minutes, and I was feeling fine again, tired but fine. just needed to get that off my chest. back to the grind
current mood:  curious
current music: none, damnit
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, July 23rd, 2002
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2:25 pm - boredom has settled in the valley
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APPEARANCE
hair - dirty blonde, darker underneath, sometimes curly, sometimes straight
eyes - hazel, I get the “your eyes are green?” a lot
height - 5'5"
STYLE
clothing - mainly thrift shop buys and hand me downs, went shopping at target at the beginning of the summer with mom though and got some trendy overly priced clothing
music - is what keeps me sane. As for specific genres, I love pretty much everything, sublime is my all time fav. But there are many, many that I enjoy.
make up - rarely, some mascara and chapstick
body art - none, though I’ve been wearing a celtic pendant for over a year now that I’m thinking about tattooing on my lower back or breast
RIGHT NOW
wearing - jeans, and a blue flowery tanktop (works clothes)
thinking of - lunch, and the fact that its my birthday
LAST THING YOU...
bought - pack of smokes
ate & drank - OJ and scrambled eggs, my birthday breakfast thanks to mom
read - The Mosquito Coast by Paul Theroux, everyone should read it, amazing book!
watched on tv - I can’t even remember, I’d rather read
EITHER / OR
club or houseparty - houseparty, clubs seem to me to be a giant hook-up place, which really isn’t my scene, though I do love to dance so there’d have to be dancing at the houseparty for me to be totally satisfied
tea or coffee - coffee, caffeine is a vice of mine
beer or cider - beer
cats or dogs - dogs
single or taken - dating someone, so neither really
pen or pencil - pencil to draw, pen to write.
gloves or mittens - gloves
food or candy - food
coke or pepsi - pepsi
hard or mild alcohol – southern comfort all the way baby
matches or a lighter - lighter
Rickie lake or Oprah Winfrey - neither
WHO DO YOU WANT TO...
kill – no one particular
hear from – chelsee and eric, I miss him
get really wasted with – mike, hillary
tickle - jonathon
look like – I don’t mind looking like me
avoid – almost everyone
LAST PERSON YOU...
touched – mike, last night
talked to – co-workers
hugged – my dad
instant messaged - geoff
kissed - mike
who broke your heart – had to ask that one eh? Eric hands down takes the cake for that one.
WHERE DO YOU...
eat - home.
dance - everywhere
cry – nowhere
wish you were- with Chelsea and Mike in Italy drinking on the porch of our villa (imaginary that is)
HAVE YOU EVER...
Dated one of your best friends? yeah
Loved somebody so much it makes you cry? yes
Done drugs? A few, nothing hardcore though
Broken the law? yes
Ran away from home? At the age of 5 I ran away and walked 4 miles up our dirt road to my friends house, scared the shit outta my parents and got whatever I wanted for a whole day.. haha suckers!
Broken a bone? nope
Cheated on a test? of course
skinny dipped? Quite a few times
Played Truth Or Dare? of course
Flashed someone? Haha, of course
Mooned Someone? I’m sure at some point
Kissed someone you didn't know? Depends on how you define knowing someone
Been on a talk show/Game show? no
Been in a fight? A few times
Ridden in a fire truck? yeah
Been on a plane? yeah
Come close to dying? Almost from salmonella when I was little
Cheated on your Boy/Girlfriend? Only after they had cheated on me
Gave someone a piggy back/shoulder ride? yes
Eaten a worm/mud pie? Not intentionally
Kissed Someone? definitely
Swam in the ocean? yes.
Had a nightmare/dream that made you wake up? Too many
WHAT IS...
The most embarrassing CD in your collection? I rarely care what others think, so none of my cds are an embarrassment to me
Your bedroom like? Messy, the walls are still covered from my 9th grade decorating spree
Your favorite thing for breakfast? french toast w/ crispy bacon
Your favorite thing for lunch? Mac and cheese
Your favorite thing for dinner? Pasta or pizza
Your favorite Restaurant? Just went to Chili’s for the first time the other day and it rocks!!
ARE YOU...
A Vegetarian?: no
A Good Student?: deep down inside somewhere I am
Good At Sports?: never learned the appropriate skills, I try hard though
A Good Singer?: not at all, my sister got all the singing skills in the family
A good Actor/Actress? I used to act a lot, and I suppose I was pretty good
A deep sleeper?: sometimes, depends on how tired I am
A Good Dancer?: I would like to think so
Shy?: sometimes
Outgoing?: most of the time
A good storyteller?: depends on the topic of the story
current mood: bored
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11:53 am - bush the goddamn moron strikes again
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can you all believe that bush, just yesterday, decided it would be a good idea to withhold $34 million dollars that had been earmarked for family planning programs overseas, because of a 1984 law that basically says the president can withhold funds from any international organization that he thinks "supports or participates in the management" of any program of forced abortion or sterilization. can they really be that stupid, to think that money like that only goes to abortions. do they not understand the concept of birthcontrol?? my god, one republican idiot had the ignorance to imply that over-population has nothing to do with problems in underdeveloped countries, and as he so simply put it "they just need to develop" what a fucking genius. I can't wait for one of Bush's daughters to get knocked up so he then maybe he can realize that if he provided a little more money to family planning in the US (and abroad) his daughter (along with millions of others) could have access to birthcontrol
current mood:  irate
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8:46 am
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another day another dollar, I think I'm probably a little bitter about being here on my birthday, but I need da cash, so here I am. went over to lincoln pond last night, took a huge gravity bong hit and played ping pong w/ john, ryan and mike. a crazy game of ping pong. the moon was amazing last night, tonights the full moon. hopefully we go on some kind of crazy hike tonight. last month we went on a moonlight hike up vroomans nose on the full moon. that was a good time. lets see, this summer has gone by so fast already. went to NYC a few weekends ago with mike, his parents own an apartment in Manhattan and its where he grew up so he showed me around for a weekend. it was a lot of fun actually. we saw the met, museum of nat. history, central park, and some of his old haunts. I also went and visited laurie in nj at the house in neptune. good times, laurie told me that she's smoked w/ mom and dad too, which is craziness. whats even crazier is that I got mom totally baked at grassroots on thursday. I only wish I hadn't been so baked myself so I could have enjoyed witnessing my mother completely wasted. haha. she managed to stay fairly composed though.
since todays my birthday, I think I've pretty much decided that I'm going to do nothing all day at work and get paid for it, so I think i'm going to catch myself up and tell all the stories that haven't been told yet. so in another 20 years if live journal is still around, I can reread what my 20th year was like. I think I should be able to partake in all the joys that any 21 year old can, since I am officially beginning my 21st year. I think now I'm just babbling nonsense.
current mood:  happy
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| Monday, July 22nd, 2002
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10:30 am - a year ago
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a year ago, I started this journal. seems like years away. so much has happened I'm not even sure where to begin. I just got back from Grassroots yesterday. another awesome festival. mike, a guy from nyc who I'm dating came too. i'm stuck at work now, so I'm going to go pretend to get something done. more later.
current mood:  calm
current music: none :-(
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, November 6th, 2001
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9:15 pm
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there is no one in the suite, its quite lonely. we are looking into apartments and houses for next year, I just talked to some guy who says that this house has a big back yard....hm.... such chaos and confusion. ugh. anyway. its only tuesday. the weeks are going by sooo incredibly fast this year, its crazy...
current mood:  accomplished
current music: The World I Know- Collective Soul
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| Friday, November 2nd, 2001
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3:12 pm - halloween and tampons
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I just cleaned our room, I'm sweating now, if that shows to any degree how much cleaning I did. Laurens family is coming up tonight, which means one of two things 1) we get free dinner at a nice resturant, or 2) I have to be on best behavior (IE no smoking, or drinking) for the night... I'm hoping that it will be 1 and only 1. hm. halloween was ok, I dressed up as a fall fairy, which nobody got, so that was a little depressing, oh well... some guy was dressed like a tampon at crows...it was quite gross, though I feel a lot sorrier for those guys who were trashed when they saw him and immediately got gag reflexes, ha. I wish I had seen some cocky drunk punk see the boy dressed as a tampon and puke... I guess thats a little evil but oh well, it's the truth...
current mood: lazy
current music: Sublime-Roots of Creation
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| Monday, October 29th, 2001
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9:06 pm
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Long Beach Dub Allstars kick some serious fucking ass. I don't know how anyone couldn't like them.... Anyway, I smoked again...... hm
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3:01 pm
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I have a soc test at 5, which I can't make myself study for, I even made stupid flashcards, but I can't convince myself to use them. I'm really kind of pissed off at myself. oh well... this is a useless entry so I'm ending it now.
current mood: annoyed
current music: I can tell- 504 boyz
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1:06 pm - Boys
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"Guys aren't good for anything except three things: fixing your car, carrying heavy things and a good fuck once in awhile, (but half of them can't even do that), so don't get too attached to them and never ever cry over them!!!" -Jackie is so right sometimes....
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12:21 am
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I just played 7 hands of computer solitare, someone shoot me please.....
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