1. Are you male or female?:

things are getting desperate
when all the boys can't be men
everybody knows I'm her friend
everybody knows I'm her man

- tori amos

---2. Describe yourself?:

i am a man
a man with four fingers
a man with four fingers on my hand
i am a man
a man with four fingers
but that doesn’t count my thumb

- negativland

---3. How do others feel about you?:

i knew this guy
who was never that fly
couldn’t act cool
even when he tried
when we played rough
he always cried
when he told stories
he always lied

- ice t

---4. How do you feel about yourself?:

The more i look
the more i find
As i close on in
i get so blind
i feel it in my head
i feel it in my toes
i feel it in my sex
that's the place it goes

-peter gabriel

---5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend?:

all i can do is stare
back as kids we used to kiss when we played truth or dare
now she's more sophisticated, highly educated
not at all overweighted
i think i need a prayer
to get in her book but it looks rather dry
i guess that twinkle in her eye is just a twinkle in her eye
allthough she’s crazy steppin’
i’ll try and stop her stride
‘cuz i won’t have no more of this passin’ me by

- pharcyde

---6. What would you rather be doing?:

we're lonely, we're romantic
and the cider's laced with acid
and the holy spirit's crying, "where's the beef?"
and the moon is swimming naked
and the summer night is fragrant
with a mighty expectation of relief
so we struggle and we stagger
down the snakes and up the ladder
to the tower where the blessed hours chime
and the whole damn place goes crazy twice
and it's once for the devil
and it's once for christ
but the boss don't like these dizzy heights
we're busted in the blinding lights

-leonard cohen

---7. Describe where you live?:

and the radio is on
and the radio man is speaking
and the radio man says women were a curse
so, men built paramount studios
and men built columbia studios
and men built los angeles
you live in los angeles
and you are going to reseda
we are all in one way or another going to reseda
some day
to die

-soul coughing

---8. Describe how you live?:

is everything speeding up
or am i slowing down
i’m just spinning around
and i don’t know why
all the pieces don’t fit
i thought i really didn’t give a shit
i never wanted to be like you
but for all i aspire
i am really a liar
and i’m running out of things i can do

-nine inch nails

---9. Describe how you love?:

to get scared
to feel so much
to let somebody touch you
so hot, so cold
so far, so out of control
hard to come by
and harder to hold

-the sisters of mercy

---10. Share a few words of wisdom?:

voters of the world keep supportin' me
and i promise to take you very far
other leaders better not upset me
or i'll send a million troops to die at war
to all the republicans
that helped me win
i'd sincerely like to thank ya'
'cuz you know i got the world
swingin' from my nuts
and damn it feels good to be a gangsta'

- ghetto boys

(EDITED FOR CONTENT)

Phil is honored to join the distinguished roster
Phil is a big fan of the acoustic guitar
Phil is one of those rare people who tell the truth
Phil is buzzword compliant
Phil is one of the busiest people
phil is a goddamn bad ass!
Phil is the human in this duo
Big Phil is taking on all of Brazil
PHIL IS NEW COUNTRY
Phil is cool. You are gay
Phil is truely wonderful
Phil is a Good-Lookin' Guy
Phil is saved by a Miracle
Phil is basically the only one to blame
Phil is getting real
Phil: "Is This Normal?"

usually i'm too busy thinking about life to write about it. these are my second-favorite times. occasionally i'm too busy living life to think about it. these are my favorite times. but now. this time. this is the dullest. writing is such bullshit. too linnear. it's like time in that way (at least from our limited perspective). but here i am. its one thing to get paid for something you're not doing, that's easy, but getting paid specifically to do nothing. damn. so i'll write. not about what i'm thinking but about how my thoughts are. sometimes i find myself thinking about something and then just for fun a try and backtrack to see exactly how i got there. the other day i was able to trace something like 20 degrees of seperation before it all became a blur. that's way more than usual, tho. like now: i have red rain playing in my head. now i know for a fact that i havent heard that song in many years, but there it is. why? well, i was prompted into thinking about the lyric thats something like 'standing out at the waters edge in my dream'. because i was thinking about standing at the edge of ... something. damn, lost it. but haha i've already lied twice. i said i was going to write how i think, not what i'm thinking. plus i did hear red rain now that i think about it. some dj dropped it it at a party like a month ago and i gave her props. someone took a picture. okay, let's try this again. i was just wondering whats the difference between discord and chaos. why? because i was thinking that i like most art (but not music) to be thought-provoking and since my thoughts are discordant it makes sense that i like a lot of random juxtaposition in most art but when that same model is applied to music it just sounds too chaotic. because i was wondering why my distaste for a lot of freestyle and improvisation in music doesn't translate to the rest of my taste in art. because i was thinking about how linnear and repetetive the music i listen to is. because after i looked up the link to that picture i looked over what i had written and noticed that i was bitching about writing and time being so fucking linnear and then mentioned something about a dj. end of thought chain. it's a fun game to play because it forces an atificial linnearity to my thoughts except backwards which is way doper. meanwhile, every thought process that i rehash spins off its own little fractal pattern of mental noise which i have to kinda throw into the background in order to staay focused on getting to the next backwards step. or i can just go with one of those patterns if i want cuz it is MY brain, after all. but the answer to my question must be that discord refers to randomness in thoughts and ideas while chaos would mean randomness in that other level that music is supposed to hit. but those definitions are are subjective and contextual. now i wonder what those words really mean and if there's a difference. dictionary time! not that it matters, tho. it would to the guys here at the office. talking to them about anything besides work is so frustrating because they demand that words mean the same thing every time you say them. too much time spent with computers. language doesn't work that way, just as kany lawyer. wow, nice typo there. typos absolutely rule. when i start my career as a disgruntled white rapper i think i'll go by N.M.N., nuthin' means nuthin'. that's such a deliciously unpackable expression. plus its hard to say. plus girls might get confused and think i'm emenem and bang me a lot. someone PLEASE give me some ritalin. dogs are cool. does linnear have one n or two?

i bought some alcohol the other day. looking at my receipt today i see they entered my birthdate as Jan 01, 1234. while it feels great to look so young for my age, it sux that i'm gonna have to do my astroientist charts all over again.

- hey paddy, how often do you use the oven?
- um, i really never have ... why?
- well, i'm making a pizza and i smell something burning but it's not my pizza and i thought there might be some food left over from last time
- hmmmmmm ... well, i've never cooked anything in there so that seems unlikely.
- yeah ...
- yup ...
- i guess whatever is burning was still alive a few minutes ago.
- no great loss.
- yeah ...
- yup ...
- do you have anything i can spray around to mask the smell?
- under the sink.
- okay, thanks.
- sure.
- hey, is that a star wars game you're playing?
- yup ...
- how's it going?
- i'm ravaging the naboo.
- great. carry on.

heehee i just had real texas style barbecue at a place called pok-e-jo's. what amused me was that they were COMPLETELY oblivious to the fact that they shared the name of those little anime guys. i asked for grilled pikachu but they just looked at me wierd. hrm .... well i'm off soon for 48 hours of the southwestern US experience. wish me luck. ARF ARF AWOOOOOOOOOOOO!

beautiful downtown manchaca, tx. traditional czech folk music on the stereo. car racing on the tv. why do they like to watch that? the cars just go around in circles and for all we know they could be going 10 miles an hour. eh ... whatever. it's just like gool old holiday gatherings, except this time the only holiday is that i came to town. that's pretty dope, i must admit. i'm glad everyone out here still has my back. plus they think i'm super-successful hollywood guy. hehe, i've got them fooled. tomorrow i see my mom's side of the family. whatta bunch of basket-cases. still need to call microbiologist amy. every time i'm here i think about looking up other old friends from high school but i never do. i probably would if i thought there would be time to actually hang out.

so today driving home i caught myself thinking "another one down," as in "another day completed," as in the way i usually think when i'm looking forward to something in the distant future. but as of now my life is on autopilot mode. no plans to speak of. i thought maybe i was talking about my visit to texas (yay i get to see amy the microbiologist) but that wouldn't be "another one down". that would be "finally!" since i leave in like 4 hours. no, i was thinking of the way way way future (haha, to me that means like a year, but i digress) and feeling like i was chalking up another little step towards who knows what. financial security and emotional stability i guess. or fame and fortune. or that heroin addiction i've been promising myself. i think i tell myself that every day that i dont accomplish anything or have any fun, just to remind myself that i'm on the right track, even though i have NO FUCKING IDEA where it leads to.
yesterday i was chillen outside, havin a smokey-treat, when i noticed a moth crawling across the ground. only something wasnt right. the moth was upside down. upon closer inspection i saw that it was actually being pulled along by an ant. strangely, there were no other ants to be seen. he was doin' alright until the wind started to pick up. then the moth was dragging him backward. then the wind stopped so he started draggin' away again. this was so interesting i had to light up another smoke and watch as the ant went through this cycle about 3 more times. then he came up with plan B: he let go of the moth and went searching for his posse. it was cute, i've never seen an ant scurrying around that fast all alone. but then the moth blew
away for good and i couldn't stand to wait around and see how disappointed the little guy would be when he realized he'd lost his treasure.

... becuz it was the only thing i could find this when i woke up (i'm at my mom's house, in my little bro's room).
so ...
i kept waking up again and again with these really lucid-ass dreams and then going back to sleep. after like the 3'rd time this happened i decided to get up and find something to write on before going back to sleep. i cant FUCKING BELIEVE how many times i woke up this morning/afternoon. plus the dreams themselves were a total departure from the whole dream pattern i've been observing for the last 1.5 months. anyway ... it's later in the day now and i found the notes in my pocket so i figured it would be fun to transcribe them here:

"1) playing musik in studio - frustration w/my set fighting with others RE: sound: can't turn it down or i lose it
2) listening to mess w/da bull on a supra sound system w/paris, nattie
3) looking for way to get to airport like 6AM w/my stuff, end up asking cute stewardess (i think)
4) drinking w/kristen - something about her not taking a shower (mmm, yum) and how i better not expect her too (uh ... okay)
5) with Paddy trying to write an eulogy for his mom (?) what we write is going to be engraved at her old apt. but we keep going on too long -> she like saved lots of kids in vietnam (i think)
6) stalingrad-thing. lost in the city. trying to avoid the enemy (who might actually be aliens - ???) -> anyway, cutt thru a dark alley and see people who i'm happy to see are on my side but wait -> there's bad people on my side, too!
RAR!"

the RAR! was actually written on the little scrap paper from this morning, i just wanted to be sure to transcribe everything word-for-word. i wonder if i was saying RAR! about the situation at the end of that particular dream, or if it was just the whole fucking mad array of different dreams i was having. my dreams have been following this interesting pattern ever since i moved into my new place. like clockwork. i guess the reason i snapped out of it this AM is because i spent last night at my momma's house. with any luck, i'll start having new dreams every day now. i've been getting tired of the old routine.
if the new enviornment is the main factor, i can't wait to see what kinda dreams i have while i'm driving across country next weekend ...

aw fuk it ... no jernalizing ... bath ... yuuummmmmmmm ... summary of weekend: different than i expected but still fun ... summary of mind: i thought about stuff then i thought about other stuff then i read kewpies journal and thought about the stuff i forgot to thought about ... summary of dreams: a pattern is starting to develop. hard to describe. maybe later.

ahhhhhhh .... friday. quite possibly my second-favorite word in the english language (boobies being #1 of course). every friday seems to portend a bottomless pit of possibility. especially fridays like this when i've got my work all done by 2pm and its practically miller time. come to think of it ... the bossman has some heineken in that little mini-fridge in his office. is asking for one worth the risk that he'll come up with some ridiculous busy work for me instead? ah, what the hell. BRB.
haha werd. i'm such a pimp when i'm in a good mood. now i can get an early start on the festivities: paris's birthday party tonite and then a bastille day party in long beach on saturday. hey, wait a minute ... we may have a slight hint of irony there. it's gone now, tho. (note to self: DO NOT repeat DO NOT make some drunken quip about paris and bastille day tonite. if you do you are a dork). on that note, god DAMN i wish i was born french. i was spinning at a 4th of july party when i met these bastille day people and this one chick said the coolest shit. she was asking me if i'm a professional dj and so right away i'm on this unecessarily detailed tirade about how often i spin versus how much i practice and how much i make versus how much i spend on vinyl and how i have a "legit" career and etc etc. my conclusion: "i guess spinning is just a hobby, really," to which she says, "deez iz not a AHH-BEE, deez iz YOUR PASSION." mmmmmmmmm. i like that. but it would sound silly if i said it, because i'm not french. curse my middle-american roots! i felt like changing my name to ted bland. but who knows, maybe they think i'm the one with the cool accent. saturday will be so much fun. i'll be surrounded by french people, i'll flirt with that chick again, i'll be pursuing my passion ... hell, i might even get around to some recreational drug use if the mood hits me. awwwwww yeeeeahhhhhhhhhh! heehee the phone just rang. what the fuk? dont they know my weekend has already begun?
it was my new roommate. ouch. he's rollin into town either tonite or tomorrow. for the first time in 2 years i'm not going to have a place to myself. no more naked jumping jacks, i guess. unless ...........

some of them want to use you
some of them want to get used by you
some of them want to abuse you
some of them want to be abused

i used to think there was a fifth "some of them". actually i still kinda do. but this process we call growing up will remedy that, i'm sure.
perhaps being sober isn't such a great idea, considering that i dont get into TV or video games. i've been charting my dark thoughts recently and i'm pretty predictable, hitting a 5-10 minute rough spot around 3:30 and 9:30 PM daily. tonight's episode doesn't fall into that pattern but then again i'm usually asleep by now.
still i dont think i'm depressed or bipolar or posessing of any of those so-called disorders they like to diagnose my generation with. i'm just a slow learner, and occasionally i'm a bit childish. idealistic. innocent. and i throw these little tantrums. but they're getting more and more subdued all the time. meanwhile, i find my capacity to actually enjoy myself is diminishing at the same rate. hmmmm ... perhaps i'll elaborate on that later ... i doubt it, though. tomorrow morning i'll have forgotten all about this. then i'll read it. and laugh at myself.
then i'll spank the monkey and laugh some more.
woof!

this doesn't quite qualify as irony, but its wierd nonetheless. all of my favorite child actresses seem to have grown boobies and hooked up with Hayden Christensen. i'd definetly give Jena Malone first runner-up status in the "Miss Cute2HoT USA" pagent. if there was such a thing.

nostalgia:
"is that donnie's dildo?"
"i'm tired of fuckin' giant rabbits"
"i can guarantee this house is NOT in Evil Dead"
"i think that Richard guy sold his soul to the devil"
"it's kind of like 'Final Destination'"?!?!?
"donnie tried to kill jeremy"
"they should just call it 'Sparkle Motion'"

plus the best boy-meets-girl dialogue ever:
DONNY: "So, why'd you move here?"
GRETCHEN: "My parents got divorced. My Mom had to get a restraining order against my step-dad. He has emotional problems"
DONNY: "oh, i have those too."

dood. amen to the end of the worst weekend in recent history.
yesterday i came down with some wierd-ass circulatory problem shortly after posting about dreams. its ironic, really. kewpie and i were talking last sunday about a friend who had a foxxy trip that made his whole body feel like pins and needles and how much that would absolutely suck. a week later it happens to me, only i was 100% sober. so, i logged on and did a little research into the "pins and needles" phenomenon. bad move. the more shit i found about what it could possibly be the worse i felt. after awhile i realized my mind was playing tricks on me so i dignosed myself with psychosomatic hypertension. took some b-12, went for a couple of walks, and kept an eye on myself for signs of a stroke.
i knew that wasn't going to happen, tho.
shit started to subside around 3AM, so i slept, but i had to get up and bounce around at regular intervals or it would come back. plus i was paranoid about the stroke thing so i had to make sure i was still alive. by noon-ish i was back to normal.
BAM!!! Doctor Phild0g saves the day.
dreams were vivid and interesting but neutral. i decided to spend today relaxing, but instead i just got bored. there's nothing relaxing about boredom. i shoulda done something. gone for a drive or some shit. oh well ... at least i got through all the issues of Time that i've been neglecting. plenty of neat-o stuff going on out there in the wide world. gots ta stay current.

dreams this AM about all the things i dont like to think about. guilt, anger, fear, obsession. we may be through with the past but the past ain't thru with us. yesterday myelectricsheep, who i dont know, said "When angry, I self-destruct rather than other-destruct. I express my anger internally, in a self-destructive manner, instead of externally, in actions. Specifically, I dismantle my creative dreams, proving their impossibility, and counter my postive view of myself with evidence of my failures and worthlessness." i couldn't have said it better myself, so i didn't. times like this i really really really want to get fucked up. but i also know i dont need to. something will happen and i'll just snap into a different mood. i always do. some friends are having an engagement party today and someone from work is having a farewell party for his bladder. hehe, does that count as irony? i don't know if i really want to go to either but i gotta get out of here.

According to Paradox ,
my magical style is Psychic.



that blows. I wish i could just talk to faeries or demons or trees or something and convince them that i'm cool and they should make cool things happen for me. instead i have to convince myself. RAR!

the girl in the picture is cute, tho.

just got done playing a little up-start club in santa clarita. i guess it was a bit too ballsy for them to throw a house night at a club called "The Cactus" but still it was fun. some white dudes came up and asked my to play DMX and then some chikaz came up and asked if i had anything "more mellow". usually i HATE playing gigs when i'm obviously not right for the crowd, but like 10 people came out who knew my name from around the way and they kept my spirits up with their support. plus there was this one dood there (named will, i think) who was totally into what i was doing. he said he was new in town and i forgot to ask where from but obviously they had a good club scene cuz he was totally trainspotting every mix, judging my technique. i get off on spinning when there are dudes like that watching, cuz i can show off some smoove shit that most people dont even notice.
and then on the way home there was this dude on coast2coast (640AM here in LA) who totally captured my imagination. he was postulating a "scientific" explanation for the uncanny accuracy of the western zodiac. he was talking about how it's actually the sun's positioning during the first few days after conception that matters (which roughly correlates to one's birthday). he figures the solar watchemicalems infulence the development of the most basic genetic thingamajiggies that will eventually be our personality.
now, that's the kinda shit i like to hear at 2am while trying to escape from santa clarita. THANK YOU ART BELL!
he was about to explain the moon signs, too, but i was home by then. it had something to do with magnetic fields being pulled around. crazy stuff that i would have followed up on but my cheesy clock-radio doesnt have AM. bummR.
here's a quote from HUMAN TRAFFIC so kewpie will want to see it even more:

"the present is gone
fantasy is a part of reality
we're thinking clearly
yet not thinking at all
is this brain damage?
we forget all the pain and hurt in life
all our insecurities have evaporated
we're in the clouds now
we're spacemen orbiting the earth
and the world looks beautiful from here
we're nympholeptics
we risk sanity for moments of temporary enlightetmet
so many ideas
so little memory
the last thought killed by anticipation of the next
we embrace an overwhelming feeling of love
we flow in unison
we're together
i wish this was real"

survey ganked from kewpie like 4 months ago
*A - Age: 26 (cringe)
*B - Best Quality: charm
*C - Choice of Meat: anything cow
*D - Dream Date: hot-air balloon
*E - Exciting Adventure: http://www.goodthink.com/95c1.html
*F - Favorite Food: fajitas
*G - Greatest Accomplishment: first in family tree to graduate college
*H - Happiest Day of your life: not yet (i mean that in a good way)
*I - Interests: varied
*K - Kool-Aid: orange w/extra sugar
*L - Love: never means the same thing twice
*M - Most Valued thing you own: vinyl (and i aint talkin bout no pants)
*N - Name: philpuppies to those who can get away with it
*O - Outfit you love: birthday suit
*Q - Question Asked to you the most: wassuuuuuup?
*R - Radio Station: 97.1
*S - Sport: football
*T - Television: no
*U - Ur favorite song: (of the moment): "Struggle for Pleasure" by Minimalistix
*W - Winter: i get a little warm in my heart
*X - Xylophone: "Girls" by The Beastie Boys
*Y - Year (re)born: 1998
*Z - Zodiac Sign: taurus/dragon

Arrgh! i think too fast to write anything down. this is never going to work. i love trying to backtrack my thought process sometimes. it's like playing the "6-degrees-to-whatever-the-fuck-phild0g-was-just-thinking-about" game with myself. question of the hour: am i depressed all the time and in denial about it or do i just not dwell on things that depress me. point being ... when prompted to talk about anything specific i'll sound negative. in fact, i end up sounding like woody allen on crack. but 90% of the time i feel pretty good. have i just been conditioned to hide my true feelings so well that i hide them from myself? that's what someone told me a few months back. the thing is: even if that's true it's working pretty well. i've read tons of books by self-help gurus who tell you to change the way you see the world in order to avoid negativity. that's silly. i like being aware of the bullshit that's out there (and in here), that way i can always decide how much i'm willing to put up with.
see ... i stopped typing for 10 seconds and now im 500 miles away from whatever point i might or might not have been making. woooo hoo this is gonna be fun. maybe i should just fill out a survey or something. like guided meditation. no, guided introspection. yeh that's more like it. okay i'm gonna post this without reading it otherwise i'll delete everything. 5000-G.