[	mood	|	exhausted	]
[	music	|	*Free* Dar Williams! "As Cool As I Am"	]

I just turned in my last assignment of the week, bringing my grand total of Pages Written in March to 43. Somehow school is a lot more work and a lot less fun now that I'm all mature and responsible and junk.

I'm gonna go collapse now, but I promise to write a proper update this weekend.


P.S. The upshot to this week's gauntlet of deadlines? Pepsi is running a promotion that involves codes for free iTunes downloads underneath soda bottle caps. They claim that one in every three bottles is a winner, but my experience has been closer to one in five. Even so, with all the Code Red I've consumed this week I've won six free downloads! Lets hear it for caffeination that pays!

[	mood	|	excited	]
[	music	|	ANYTHING I WANT! Wow!	]

I have to admit that I showed up pretty late to the iTunes party. I only recently downloaded the software and I'm not entirely clear about many of its functions. So when I got my computer back from SLC's repair shop today and found 5 folders of "Shared Music" in my iTunes, I was at first concerned and then confused and then absolutely dizzy with amazement and joy. There is suddenly an entire universe of music on my computer-- almost 10,000 songs!!!

I waaaaaant it! Some of it is crap I'd never listen to (there's a disturbing amount of AC/DC) but there's a ton of stuff on here I'd love to have, everything from Amelie to Wilco. From what I can gather, the person who repaired my computer must have used it to access all of these playlists and then forgotten to remove them. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before this unknown auditory god rescinds my access and I loose out on this musical motherlode.

Is there any way to save these files to my computer? After reading the iTunes help file and knowing that Apple is pretty anal about copyright, I'm not optimistic. But if you know of a way, PLEASE tell me and I will love you foreverrrrr!

[	mood	|	working	]
[	music	|	In the library-- Shhhh!	]

Oh, LJland, how I miss you! My cursor longs to stroke your sweet blue-and-white interface, to scroll through the millions of entries that I've missed. How I pine for the days when I had hours to spend reading my friends' entire archives of back-entries, or hitting the "Find Random Journal" button again and again, marveling at the vast array of ways for thirteen year old girls to describe their utter disgust for everyone who is not them.

Neglecting you makes me feel rotten and I promise a million times a day to write to you when I have some free time. But I shall never have free time, LJland, never! So I must steal a few moments for you now, in between reading assignments and paper outlines.

(  Warning; Schoolwork and Drama ahead! )

I've been "going into the city" (as the kids say) quite a bit. It's only 18 minutes and $5.00 from the Fleetwood station to midtown Manhattan, which makes it easy to take a quick trip over after class. I already have a favorite Thai resturaunt: Kai Kai in NoHo. It’s super-cheap and has perfect coconut soup and curry puffs that make you want to break out in the Hallelujah chorus. What else does a girl need?

Plans for this weekend include work, dorm arranging (gaaaah, I can't believe I still don't have my room set up!), work, Shabbat services, work, laundry, work, and going to see the Chinese New Year dragon parade in New York City! Isn't that the coolest forking thing ever? I'm psyched.

[	mood	|	busy	]
[	music	|	Emma's Revolution - "If I Give Your Name"	]

I had put "Update your freakin' journal!" on my to-do list for today, but then I lost track of time while researching New York City legal clinics for my ethnography fieldwork and studying social justice-themed haggadahs in the library. I'm so busy creating journal fodder (amazing courses! volunteer work! processing! and, slowly but surely, new friends) that I have no time to actually write about everything. It's a mostly happy conundrum, I think-- better this than the situation at UF, where I had oodles of time to do nothing but whine about how rotten I felt.

I'll try to write a proper update this weekend, but no garuntees... I'm "going into the city" to spend the night with my friend Jeffery on Friday, then getting up early on Saturday to attend this public interest law forum, then spending Sunday doing research for two conference project proposals. Whew!

For now, I'm off to bed-- I have a classroom of third graders waiting for me at 8:00am tomorrow!

[	mood	|	stressed	]
[	music	|	Alix Olson - "Your Kindness and Your Rage"	]

(The whole world is a very narrow bridge, but the thing to remember is to not be afraid.)

It is so time for this day to be over. Today has been an unpleasant mélange of menstrual hormones, doughy macaroni and cheese, and stress, culminating in a trip to a Thai restaurant three miles from my campus that, somehow, involved a harrowing drive down a narrow and crowded road-- which ran directly underneath rusty, barely standing train tracks-- through the fucking BRONX. Good lord.

A quick bullet list, since I’m overworked and exhausted:

*I had an absolutely lovely weekend with Jeffrey, who is a very gracious host. Jeff’s way of existing in the world is something I admire… it’s such a joy to spend time with him.

We ate at two of his favorite New York restaurants, a vegetarian one and one that offers different kinds of pbj sandwiches (awww!), which were both excellent. I also got to meet his friends, who were almost as witty and fun as Jeff is, and hope to get to know them better on future trips to the city.


*Services at B’nai Jeshurun were phenomenal! Really, it was one of the most moving spiritual experiences I’ve had. BJ was exactly what I needed in the midst of all this parental and back-to-school stress, sort of a like a warm shower for the spirit.


*I thought I was prepared for the workload here, but I must admit that I’m a tad overwhelmed. My weekly reading assignments number in the hundreds of pages for each class, meaning that (brace yourself for the horror to come) I’ve haven’t had time for anything but schoolwook all week, not even my LJ friendspage! I miss you guys.

I think that things are extra-stressful right now since I’m trying to settle in (there are *still* unpacked boxes in my dorm room!) on top of keeping up with all my schoolwork. It is my fervent hope that I’ll start to feel more in contol once I’m better established.


*Some good news: remember the class I mentioned in my last two posts? Not only did I get in (!), the prof loved my “conference project” proposal about the constitutionality of the Defense of Marriage Act. YAY!



Sigh… I think my journal used to be more interesting. It definitely used to be funnier. There is hope, though: I think I’m developing a prof-crush, so there’s hope of old-school style Chicklet shenanigans in the future!

[

mood

|

accomplished

]

Shoulders squared, head high, jaw set: I just wrote the prof an email asking him to reconsider his decision and offering (what I feel is) compelling support for my request.

There! Now even if I don't get in the class, I feel a bit better about the whole thing.



P.S.
I'm going to Manhattan tonight to celebrate Shabbat at Congregation B'nai Jeshurn, which is renowned for its creative musical services, and to spend the night with my excellent friend Jeffrey. Wheeee!

[	mood	|	frustrated	]
[	music	|	"Silent All These Years" in my head	]

Not being heard upsets me like nothing else. It was, I think, the reason for so much of my unhappiness at UF and continues to be the single best way to reduce me to a sniffling heap.

I wish this weren’t so! I wish that, when someone de-valued what I have to say, I could simply dismiss it and trust in my own opinion of my worth. But this is almost never what happens. Usually, I end up slinking off, head down and shoulders hunched, to cry by myself.

Case in point: today I tried to get into Constitutional Law, a class I’m absolutely dying to take. As a transfer I missed the chance to register for it last semester, so I went to the class to beg the professor to let me enroll now, during drop-add. He said no, which was very disappointing in and of itself. But what knocked me down was that he wouldn’t even *listen* to me, he just waived me off and told me to find another course.

So, like a loser, I started to tear up as soon as I turned my back to walk away. In my defense, I was incredibly tired and a little hormonal-- you know how both of those things can prime the waterworks. Still, I wish I’d just shrugged it off instead of trudging back to my dorm to feel insignificant and write this.

[	mood	|	working	]
[	music	|	Tori!	]

Professor: (Questions a point I made about concentration of power in the ancient Chinese legal system)

Me: Well, in the American system, power is distributed and there are some checks and balances. We have, um, two separate yet equally important groups: the police, who investigate the crimes, and the district attorneys, who prosecute the offenders.

Other kid: Dun-dun!

Professor: I don't think much of this course will be ripped from the headlines.


Joking aside, I think I did pretty well in seminar today. I had been a little worried about the fact that all of SLC's courses are in seminar format, since I'm usually hesitant to speak up and often get annoyed when other kids go off on tangents during class discussion. But today's seminar, my first regular (not first-day) one at SLC went nicely: I made good points and I was impressed by what everyone else had to say. Yay!

[	mood	|	amused	]
[	music	|	Netscape Radio- Female Focus channel	]

This event, part of "Guilty Pleasures Week," is pretty damn funny: http://www.livejournal.com/community/sarahlawrence/351238.html?mode=reply. If I had friends here to support me, I'd totally do it. Going places by yourself sucks, but this might be too good to miss.

(It reminds me a bit of "Mortified," which was featured in a hilarious This American Life show that you should most certainly listen to.)


Back to reading a Chinese folk tale for my "Law and Order in Pre-Modern China" class. And yeah, I know how nuts every bit of that sentence sounds. This place really is a trip. :-D

[

mood

|

happy

]

Walking to lunch today, I noticed a few stay snowflakes floating about. By the time I sat down to my tuscan bean soup and pasta salad, the air was full of swirling bits of white. As the snow intensified, a table of kids in the dining hall spontaneously started singing the music that accompanies Clara's entry into the Land of Snow in the Nutcracker, in perfect harmony.

I really like it here.

[	mood	|	okay	]
[	music	|	I'm going through a Tori renaissance	]

I’m sorry to say that I don’t seem to have the relationship with LiveJournal that I used to. A few years ago, I’d write entries in my head all day and then rush home to post them, but now I’m just… blank. I got nuthin’.

I’m not sure what the reasons for this are. Possible explanations: that I’m just out of practice, having not done any significant personal writing in a while; that my reflective process has changed, becoming less, well, angsty ;-); that public writing makes me feel pressured in a way that it didn’t before.

Why did I start an LJ? And why did I feel compelled to come back to it? I think that once I establish a sense of purpose for my journaling by finding answers to those questions, this’ll be easier.

It certainly isn’t time for me to give up on LJ. I still care a great deal about people in this community, and am grateful that I’ve been able to (re)connect with many of you. Also, I really feel like I owe my Anonymous Benefactor some sort of return on her/his investment. ;-)



Anyway… everything with my parents is fucked up beyond comprehension, still settling in at school, worried about making friends, dining hall food here is actually quite good (for dining hall food.)

[	mood	|	grateful	]
[	music	|	Radio@Netscape- Female Focus Channel	]

Busy day! Calls to the Registrar and Director of Housing, a physical to arrange, a paper snowbank of forms to complete (“Does anyone in your family have a history of Tuberculosis?” “How important is it to you that your roommate share your taste in music?”) and fax, shower caddies to buy and and and! Starting school in January is quite a whirlwind: apply in November, get accepted in mid-December, and then dash about for four weeks pulling together what fall-admits spend all summer completing. I’m definitely not complaining, though; choosing my courses and planning my dorm decorations has me in transports of delight. Every box checked and line filled brings me one step closer to attending a fabulous school!

But even with a To-Do-List of Tolstoy-esque length (not to mention dinner plans with merelydanny, for which I will most surely be late), I just have to take a moment to thank the magnificently generous human being who anonymously purchased me a paid account! Wow!

I’m completely blown away by this. Such an incredibly kind thing to do! Every time I check my mail, I re-open the email from LiveJournal with “Paid Account” in the subject line to bask in warm glow of the fact that someone out there hearts me.

Warm hugs and heartfelt thanks, Anonymous Benefactor! I shall try to provide you with a quality return on your investment. :-)

[	mood	|	hopeful	]
[	music	|	Radio@Netscape- Female Focus Channel	]

My New Year's resolution:
Update my LJ before the red staters ban the "internets."

Many hugs and good wishes for your new year!


P.S. I'm starting school at Sarah Lawrence College in two weeks!