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Monday, February 19th, 2001
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9:31 pm
i like the idea of this dice game. I'm definatly gonna try it. I'm hoping i can add more to the game, make it more complex and with more possibilities. I forget whose board it was on..don't worry i'll find it again. What i've decided to do is roll two dice, multiply the total i get by a hundred and thats how many calories per day. Gambling is the way to live baby! So..thats maximum 200 if i roll snake eyes...and maximum 1200 with two sixes, not that i'd probably use all of them but at least i'd be open to the possibility. Other than that i should get around 500-900 on average per day, and i think thats quite do-able, and i won't have to fast either. I think it'll be fun. Who's with me?
(comment on this)
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12:28 pm
all the days are longer now
nothing's what it was
only pain fills up soul
ripping me apart
everything's a black and white
x-ray of my world
in a dream-like daze i go
all the days are longer now...
current mood:  tired (comment on this)
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Wednesday, February 7th, 2001
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4:18 pm - things are a little bit odd.
i finally got my marks today..i did better than i expected..my average was 85.3. Hmm. And my chem mark was 75, so i must not have failed the final exam.
Bad ED. I don't know why I'm back to normal when i'm under so much pressure. I had mcdonalds today for the first time in so long. I forgot how gross it made me feel afterwards. mcnuggets are so odd...is it chicken? is it fat? who knows? blech, at least i had a diet coke so i didnt get a sugar headache.
Hm..i think i've become a lot more paranoid lately. I think i hear people whispering behind my back and stuff...
Things are a little bit odd.
current mood:  indifferent
current music: some song that goes "i'm running on empty.." (2 comments | comment on this)
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Sunday, February 4th, 2001
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5:43 pm - today
The concert was last night..i feel *shrugs* about it. It went fine i guess, except for the first number. Me and some other girls were supposed to be ghosts and be dressed in black with no skin but our faces showing, and i forgot to put my black gloves on. This made me mad cause i had double checked so many times to make sure i'd brought all my costumes, and then i forget to put them on right before i go on! My teacher grabbed my arm when i got off stage and yelled at me...i felt so bad. I saw her after the show but purposely avoided her.
The rest was o.k except people kept forgetting their words and the timing was all screwed up for our dance number...i'm glad theres only one concert this year instead of two.
Um..not much else. It's almost dinner and im starved..i was so good yesterday, i started following my plan and didnt binge after the concert..in fact i went right to sleep. And today has been good, i even went to the gym this afternoon. But when i got back i realized how hungry i was and now im eating an orange which is o.k. because then i will eat less steak for dinner. Not looking forward to tomorrow...did i mention i hate my classes? I know i chose to take them all, but only cause i have to. If that makes sense. But you can't pick your teachers unfortunetly, or the people in your class. If i could do that I would love school so much. Theres this boy in two of my classes that i used to have a crush on (i feel so lame even saying that, it sounds so teeny bopper) but i dont have th guts to talk to him so that makes it even more stressful..plus that he sits right behind me all the time, not on purpose but because of alphabetical order.
In a month though i'll be able to talk to him...hell yea. By then the plan will have worked and i'll have self-confidence again. Sweet.
Better go do some homework before dinner.
current mood:  hopeful
current music: tori amos..i'm on fire (comment on this)
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Saturday, February 3rd, 2001
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12:36 am
i binged! i knew i would...it's ok though, cause i don't feel too bad. i think starting tomorrow i will do better, and im going to try not to obsess so much over what i eat.
twas a pretty boring night..right now im just talking to people on icq which kinda cheered me up. it sucks though how all the good supportive people live in other provinces.
my mom thinks i'm mad at her. Just because i haven't been "communicating" lately. When i was sleeping on the couch this afternoon she woke me up twice, i was a little pissed off. And she kissed my forehead when she thought i was sleeping and told me i looked like a "pretty little girl"...i thought that was a little weird, i mean i think she's trying to be motherly or something but it's a little late for that. Plus her breath was really bad.
My dad's bugging me too, talking to me like i'm a baby or something. I asked where the veggies were at dinner and he goes into this rant about veggies being good for me and i should eat them everyday...thanks dad, but i learned about nutrition back in elementary school. I think he thinks I'm an idiot. oh well..
i got 95 % in musical theatre. second highest mark in the class (even though i hated the teacher and most people in the class), and in social studies i got the second highest mark too on my exam (86%) The only class i think i did bad in is chem, i should've studied alot more for the final but i was too busy studying for social (paid off though). My worst subject i have this term...math. And my dad won't shut up about getting me a tutor. He brings it up everyday...so i wish he'd just do it allready.
i think i'll take some nyquil now and go to bed. i'm not going to eat anything else or i'll feel disgusting tomorrow.
current mood:  calm (comment on this)
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Friday, February 2nd, 2001
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8:01 pm - mm-hmm
well, i'm the worst i've ever been guys. I just can't deal with it anymore...somethings wrong with me and there's nothing i can do. You know how people say they can't look at themselves in the mirror? Well, I don't think I can be myself anymore at all. It disgusts me just to be sitting here in my skin being me. I wish it was only a matter of not liking what i see but its a matter of not liking who i am inside, outside, whatever.
I thought I would start off my diet today. I wrote up a plan what i would eat everyday for the next week...every day was supposed to be less than 1000 calories starting today, but i think i've blown it allready. I started off the day good but it was such a horrible day. I just started new classes in school and they are all horrible. Last term I liked my classes right from the beginning. My teachers were great and i could deal with the people in my class. But this term...in math and english there is only one girl i know, and i find it hard to talk to her because we are so different. I wish i could make new friends in the classes but considering my low self esteem these days i don't think i'll have the nerve to talk to anyone...besides, allready i can see the "groups" that exist, all the "popular" people who would never talk to me or all the "lower class" people who think i'm too flaky to talk too. Ha...if they only knew. And in Bio i thought i was free...but one of my other "friends" is in my class. She is nice to me and everything now but i've known her for years and we used to enemies, back when i was a good dancer and petty things seemed more important...plus she's beautiful and just sitting behind her makes me feel like an ugly freak. Tall, long curly blond hair, blue eyes, skinny..plus she's involved in just about everything, and always top marks...i wish i could be jealous, but i can't because all i think about is deep down i know shes laughing at me, laughing at the world because she's so perfect and she knows it, well maybe she thinks she has flaws but she knows still she is admired. I wish i could have the confidence to know i was liked like that.
Anyways, i started the day off good. I apple and my low-cal iced tea for lunch...i didnt have time to eat breakfast cause my shitty alarm didnt go off. So i didnt have time to make my sandwhich. Thus i allowed myself some cereal and juice when i got home. I was fine...took a nap but then i had to go to a singing practise and when i got back i was totally blown. So depressed because my fucking concert is tomorrow and i dont want to get up on stage because everyone has these high expectations and i know i will only let them down. Plus i dont have the right costumes, my teacher will be mad at me...the other students will be mad, and i know it will trigger a binge tomorrow night after i'm done. When i got back from the practise i was really upset with myself, my fucking vent broke and i freaked out..even though its such a minor thing...then i had supper and it was spaghettie, bread and veggies and i did allright allthough i had some extra spaghetti. But then after dinner i just didnt feel satisfied..i felt empty or something. I had an orange thinking that would be good enough for dessert but it felt weird not having anything sweet, so i had a piece of the carrot cake that was in the freezer, only a small piece, and some green tea. I thought, there, thats enough...and watched t.v. and all of a sudden it hit me how big of a loser i am sitting alone at home on a friday night, and i think this is what triggered my binge..i went in the freezer and got out the 1/4 of the ice cream cake that was left and i ate about half of it, and now i feel so disgusting. I always puked, but i couldnt...too gross. And i have this sickening feeling like i will eat more tonight..probably naco chips or another of my binge foods. And the scarey thing is, despite knowing all this and knowing what the foods doing to me i can't stop it controlling me. I will go and eat more even when im full and almost sick..
I don't know if i should do the "binge night" again...see, at the beginning when i was going through something similar to this, it was right after halloween, i was not being able to control and always binging etc. so one night i just made myself eat and eat untill i couldnt eat anything else without being sick. We had alot of leftover candy and i made myself eat all of it and nachos and other stuff untill i was so full and i never felt guilty i just kept eating untill i stopped, and the next day i felt really good. And for about a month after that i ate really well and went to the gym alot and i got down to 109 pounds. But now...i'm pretty sure im back up to 115, i cant tell because our scale is broken. So i dont know if should do this binge-thing again, cause it will probably mean adding on another two or three pounds, but on the other hand, it might trigger me to eat better again. I don't know, it could make things worse...fuck, i wish i could just eat normally like any other person. I wish food didnt control my life.
Seeing as how im home alone, i could put on some music and just work out around the house like i used to when i was doing good, but i just dont have the will anymore. I'll probably end up stuffing my face. God...i want control. I want control. I want to believe there are people that like me, but why is it nothing works out for me, god? Why does nothing work out for me if there is hope?
current mood: disgusted
current music: coldplay-yellow (comment on this)
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Tuesday, January 30th, 2001
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12:53 pm - my good friend "anti-ana"
I have an eating disorder. I was finally able to admit this to myself last night and say it outloud "I have an eating disorder". I've had it for awhile I guess I just never could admit it. I've known for awhile I've been over-obsessed with my body image but I never realized how much stress it was causing in my life untill now. I'm not anorexic..I just find it so hard to control my life and control what i eat. The thing is, I'm average weight, 115 pounds and i'm 5'4. But I know I'm too fat...when I look at myself in the mirror I hate it. It's mostly only certain parts of my body. I hate my butt, and my thighs are huge. I've tried exercises to shrink them but they don't work..the fat is still there. That's why i've been trying to go on diets, so I can lose fat from these parts, but I just keep losing weight from parts that were allready ok! It's very frustrating...I think that's why I developed my disorder.
Not to mention I have a mother who is overweight and constantly trying to lose it, and a dad who is a fitness buff and is always telling me how unhealthy I am, and how I need to do more sports and stuff (even though I suck at sports). My parents are so screwed up..and I'm going to blame them partially for my disorder even though I know you're not supposed to blame anyone but yourself. Anyways. about my disorder. I don't know exactly what you would call it...I've never been bullimic nor would I ever be...I hate throwing up. I've gone for long periods without eating, 24-48 hours on and off. It mostly starting when I began studying for my exams...I spent entire days in my room studying and I would just not eat anything. During this time (and a bit before then) is when I lost six or seven pounds (I was also exercising frequently at the gym). But for the past week I've found I can not control what I eat anymore. I used to be able to go the whole day eating nothing or only healthy fooods (i.e. fruit and veggies for lunch, a low-cal beverage, i usually don't eat breakfast, even though i know i should, i'm just not hungry in the mornings), and then eat dinner and nothing else at night. But now I find myself eating more throughout the day (probably cause I haven't been in school for a week-exams) and if I don't eat as much one day I'll binge late at night. I've actually been binging quite frequently the past couple nights, after my parents go to sleep i'll raid the kitchen. Last night, I ate a huge piece of ice cream cake, and i finished off a jar of salsa and like 1/4 a bag of nachos...even though i'd eaten during the day a muffin, a piece of cold pizza, popcorn orange pop and ice tea at my friends house. Oh and a banana. I was such a pig and i still feel guilty, which i know isn't good. I have to start eating better.
From now on, no eating allowed after 7 pm! I'm going to follow this rule till i've lost the butt and thigh fat..and i'm going to try to eat better despite constant pressure from my parents, and to exercise more. If I feel hungry or want to binge after dinner, i'll drink water instead. Thus ...I better start eating better during the day...when school starts it will be easier, I'll bring fruits and veggies for lunch and that'll be all i can have, no chips or pop!
Anyways...now that I've embarassed myself to the world...i just had to admit it somewhere, and i know my parents or my skinny friends would only laugh at me. Well I'm going over to my friends house now and we're having a 24 hour sleep over..i'm hoping i don't get my period while im there cause i haven't gotten it yet...(gee, thanks for sharing that, you're thinking). Plus I hope i don't eat too much...or that my friends don't make me eat after 7 pm. I'll just have to say no...
well my mom isn't back to drive me yet! shit if she doesnt come soon i dont think i'll be able to get there by 2, if i have to take the bus. i better go try phoning her and drying my clothes.
(comment on this)
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Monday, January 29th, 2001
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4:53 pm - introduction to my family
my mom drives me crazy. all she ever does now is vacuum. vacuum vacuum or clean the kitchen. and i'm so ashamed she's my mother because my mother is a homemaker. she used to have a job where she made money like a respectable person but all she did when she wasnt being fake-helpful was bitch and suddenly she just stopped working, well she says she wants to lose weight and thats the reason she stopped working and i think thats a load of fucking bullshit because now that she doesnt work technically she has twice as much time to be bored and eat. plus what kind of excuse is that to stop working. and all she'll talk about with me is her stupid diet because i know she wants me to get all skinny and be perfect like all my friends are..well the reason they are perfect is they dont have mothers trying to put them on diets all the time who quit their jobs so they can be home whenever they are just so that they can vacuum around them constantly while trying to put them on a diet.
current mood:  frustrated
current music: the sound of her track pants...driving me crazy... (comment on this)
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