Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Sweetie's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, February 24th, 2005
7:41 am	conflicted I don't know what I feel this morning... I just know I'm conflicted between a hell of a lot of emotions. Between school, friends, finding a job, my family, and where my future is going, I'm so lost. What do I want to do, to be in my life? Am I really cut out for social work? Am I cut out to go into that type of field? Maybe. I was thinking last night that I might want to mimic what my Psychology teacher does. She's a teacher but after hours she's a Psychologist that works with clients. I like that idea. I've always been conflicted between those two areas. Or like Carlson, she teaches and does social work after hours. I want that, I like that... But the questions still stands of "am I cut out for that type of work?" People say I am. But do I have the power enough to truly realize and accept the fact that the statement "You can only help people who want to help themselves" when someone comes in and just doesn't respond to anything you give them? What if I had to deal with someone like myself? So distant, resistant to change. I guess I take too much upon myself for how other people take my "advice", or would when I'm in that field. If they don't take it, it wouldn't be that I am not good enough. But I'm still so lost. What if I'm just in the totally wrong field? What if I do more harm then good? I just don't know. "This world already has one savior and it isn't you", I have to remember that. It's so true, I cannot save the world. I just hope I can help people in this profession. That's my problem! Always trying to help others! Heh. Well, we'll see... Enough rambling for this morning. I'm hoping Debbie will ring my cell phone. She didn't come on last night, and I could stay up past like 945. But, it is just weird for me not to see her or hear from her. She was in pain yesterday on the phone and said she might be returning to the ER, I just hope she's ok. Prayers to my friend trying to get well. All of you reading this... What are you doing sitting and reading the journals? Go to class! hahaha... gotta go to class now, bye! (I've gotten 2 snuggless today ~~~ snuggle me)
Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005
9:21 pm	My custom comment links were automatically generated by 's free LJ Comment Customization Generator. (snuggle me)
10:36 am	Quick update Note on last night : Last night was a struggle of hurt, and depression, and fear of abandonment. But most of all, being a failure as a friend. I don't know... I owe Laura an email!! I will send one, promise! Explaining all. Laura's always good to write long and emotional emails too. Thanks girlie girl for being here for me. Today : I find myself telling people advice that I should be telling myself. To "talk to a professional", I should myself. I really should. But there is a fear that I wish not meet again... But on the friendships sides of talking... To talk... To open... To love... To overall be vulnerable with another human being. Last night I discovered that I have fallen in a loving relationship with someone that allows me to do all of those things. It's indescribable... The feelings that tie to such a relationship. That feeling of vulnerability with another person. That comfort... That coaxing reassurance that everything will really be ok. That love can sometimes hurt because of circumstances... and situations... But overall that hurt is so overwhelming mended with love and compassion. Friends can mean the world, and do so much with love in a person's life. I sit in awe as I reflect my findings... (snuggle me)
Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005
9:09 pm	TH I'm not good at this, I'm sorry I'm not better. My heart isn't hurting, it's breaking. Goodnight, not good bye. Remember that. Time is valuable. An hourglass glued to a table. Bite your lip and be strong. Tell yourself, let go. Selfishness is wrong, and childish. Hold too strong to things, only ends up damaging. . . . . Didn't get to finish this entry... One of my brother's friends called me for help on a math equation. Had to do a handful for them, and then explain how I got the answer... Meh. I have to go shower. Current Mood: hurt, lonely, wanting to cry Current Music: The sound of my own thoughts binging around in my head (I've gotten 4 snuggless today ~~~ snuggle me)
Monday, February 21st, 2005
10:10 pm	Debbie I won't be able to see Debbie tonight. And that's ok. I just hope she is feeling ok. I longed to call her, to see how she was feeling, but thought I better leave her be, to rest, to sleep. I don't know if she's still in the hospital, or if she's back at Gloria's. I should have called just to find out how she's doing, too late now though. I want to call her tomorrow, but I don't want to wake her in the morning, so I will have to wait... Talk to her after 1230 maybe. I'll see if she leaves me a voicemail. Love to my friend, I hope she's doing better. (snuggle me)
5:19 pm	Through my mind. There's this bitch at school, who shall remain nameless, for now. I hate her, she hates me. She's a royal bitch and thinks she's better then everyone. She'd been that way since I've known her. So now she's at the college I attend. See, when *I* don't like someone, I simply avoid talking to them unless I absolutely need their assistance. Well, that's not how she is. She constantly makes comments to me, that don't *sound* mean, unless you know her, and her intent, plus knowing she doesn't like me helps a lot. Anyway, she keeps going out of her way to talk to me, and in her own little bitchy way, to put me down. She's such a wench. I can't stand even thinking about her. Why go out of your way to talk to someone you don't like? See, I'm at the standard of "Don't talk to me, I won't talk to you". Wouldn't that be logical? But, no. I swear, I'm counting on the next time for her to say something and I'm going to go catish on her and claw her eyes out. Gah... Girls are such bitches sometimes! (snuggle me)
Sunday, February 20th, 2005
11:39 pm	Self Injury Awareness!!! SI Awareness Day (Mar 1) Preparation Color Meanings for bracelets/necklaces Plain Orange - active self injurers Orange with 1 white - Trying to stop Self Harm Orange and White - Recovered Self injurer Yellow and Orange - Suicidal and Self injurer Blue and Red - Depression/Mental Illness and Eating Disorders plain RED : ANOREXIA red + orange" ana and SI red orange white: recovered plain PURPLE: BULIMIA Purple + orange Mia + SI purple orange white recovered (I've gotten 2 snuggless today ~~~ snuggle me)
9:02 pm	Missing Ducki Short update for now since I feel like crap... I'm sickish today. Coughing isn't fun!! So I got up at about 12 or 1 and have been sitting or laying around. The cough is really what's bugging me, I have other problems but, this is the worst, meh. Debs hasn't showed up yet, it makes me nervous, and it makes me depressed. I have no money on my phone so I can't call her either, damn myself for not picking up a top-up card. I went online to see how much I'll get for my savings bonds. I have $450 in bonds (which means I paid $225 for them), and I got them all over atleast 8 years ago. I figured that because I was told they were 7 or 10 year bonds, most would reach their "full maturity", uh, no! I discovered today that out of the $450 I *SHOULD* get, I'd only get $318. It sucks... Major. Now I'm starving, I shall search for snackage. And I'm sad cuz my Ducki isn't here!!! ( *)> (snuggle me)
Saturday, February 19th, 2005
11:46 pm	Late night cleaning I so cleaned out my closet, dresser, and these storage things in my room today, there's still so much I can do but I'm exhausted. I will do more tomorrow I hope. I will prolly lose my cleaning "mode" by then though. Side note though : my aunt gave me one of these pink squishing bracelets, like the "LIVESTRONG" one, except it says "Share beauty, spread hope", and it's for breast cancer. If anyone comes across any please support the cause!! And wear the bracelets to show for it. I know I always will. (I've gotten 1 snuggles today ~~~ snuggle me)
6:47 pm	Clothes, Hair, such a girlie girl My mom bought me some clothes today, omg they are SO girlie girl! But I like them! I need to seriously clear out my closet majorly. I just have *SO* much stuff and I just need to clear out stuff that I don't want to wear anymore. I'm trying to get into the girlish stuff, the tighter, more shape defining things. But I love some of my snuggly sweatershirts that I just can't part with, and my flannels, they're just too cozy to throw away! But the big T-shirts, jersey type shirts, fifty thousand navy blue sweatpants have to go! So I'm definitely going through my closet tonight or tomorrow and having a major clear out! I went to my cousin Corrinne's today, and she did my hair, it looks so damn cute. She showed me how to do it, and what to use. She gave me her old flat-iron, and some "goo" to make my hair stay styled, but I have to practice with it. The flat-iron is kinda broken, her dad fixed it but it "sticks" a little, so we'll see. I'm so going to play around with it this weekend, eek! I look *SOOOO* cute! As for the visit to my cousin's/Aunt's, it was hard. My Aunt Christine was diagnosed with breast cancer and had her first chemo treatment 3 days ago. It made her sick as hell. She has no appetite to eat anything at all and can't stand to drink the vitamin enriched drinks, and just is really tired. She's scared about losing her hair, too. She wants to know how long it will take to grow back when it's lost, no one really is for sure. I just feel so bad for her. We left when she went to lay down for a while, I hope she feels better soon. After we left my mom and I went back up to Kohl's. I got a new bra, and another Adidas shirt. A blue one. Eek, I love it so much! Tag this laters! (snuggle me)
Friday, February 18th, 2005
3:10 pm	LEAP OF FAITH I wrote this years ago, but I found it in my files so felt I wanted to post it. It might be a little "choppy", I was younger when I wrote it... But, yeah, it's a part of me. LEAP OF FAITH The whispering takes you over like it did so long ago. Controlling who you are, what you think, and how you feel. Every second it holds you, in the cold grasp... the one you fear. Your nightmares accumulate in your head which are all dealing with bits and pieces of your shattered self, the pieces of a picture no longer in focus, lay in a billion pieces at you feet. Each slice you trace give you a taste of the blood that you've tasted before, it is your own. Swirled flashes of light, you know to well, cloud your sight, it takes over your soul. You're back where you were, years ago in that position, the uneasy one of inescapable fear. Flicker back to the present, finding yourself rocking back and forth trying find a fiber within that tells you not to leap through the opened arms of a window that leads you to a solid ground, the only thing your sure of. Take a leap of faith. You know the destiny of it. You cradle yourself and search the depth of your heart to find some where tucked away, a frozen moment of emotion that would sweep you away and hold you so the hurt would disintegrate. Tears form in eyes that never held a tear and left are the streaks of pain you never could let go of. The gates are wide open, all you have to do is step forth and meet you solid ground. In the arms of an angel you are swept away... The unbearable pain seizes for the night while you hide yourself in a depth of a corner, acquire patience to with stand the blow, allow the wings that held you to enter your maze and past the doors. You've whispered words of hate, of love, of shame, of beatings, which left you for almost dead, and you've whispered the triumphs and the comfort you find in this angel... The doors are there... Three of them... and some are used to much, and one is rarely opened, revolving to let in and out people who never truly cared. They use it and you know it swings all to often and it kills you inside. While the second blockage is clear people fear to look in and you feel vulnerable as being put on display for all to see, and you feel kicked when down when they wonder aimlessly... to just use the swinging door, to escape the maze you've built. Sometimes you think it's to easy... The strongest one only certain make it deep with in the maze of wits, it's always a circle retraced, again and again to see who drops first, and when they knock upon the door, and no one answers... those who turn away should never have traveled the journey, those who wait while standing before me, knowing that the essence behind is to strong for many to grasp. When that door is opened the beauty, the torture, the blessing, and the curse, all come out at once, while struggling to close the doors those who remain to push see why nights are spent rocking on a entrance... You allow the angel that swept you away a glance at all the scars you have, the tears you've cried, the curses you mutter, and allow her to cry with you. You know she feels your pain... She's with you on that window sill, always sitting at the door, watching over you and waiting,till you want to give her a key, a key that no other has, that opens memories of the past... the ones wanted to be forgotten... you show her your feelings of shame, and of confinement in yourself. The angel breaks all lines and boundaries you've created and no hurt can stay in. The scar remains but the pain heals as you stand before the ground and reach for something stable. You try to think of that angel and all she's done for you... all you've lost and all you've gained... Allow yourself to feel the fear cause in the end it's what keeps you here. The fear of the voices, the pain the lose the torment, the fear of facing a battle alone, the cry of wanting a loved one, all will be lost with in one leap of faith. You ask yourself is it worth it and as you step off the sill and look down the angels voice comes loud as ever... She can catch you when you fall but none can catch if you leap... Fall back into her arm, and in the end those arms were all that saved you from your urge of destruction and the voices of death. Quiet for the night while the soothing presence of the angels holds you close one more time. You live day by day for the warmth, and you hope it last forever, and the question you constantly worry of, is will it? So scared of losing comfort you still find yourself at times of want and strife sitting at the windowsill waiting for the leap of faith. (snuggle me)
1:23 pm	Rambles I woke up sick as hell today, I'm still not feeling very well. For some reason I'm all rattled up, why, I'm not sure. I just feel jittery. Deep down, I long to talk to someone, to sit down face to face and chat. Gah, I'm thinking maybe I should call MFS for 'assistance' with my recent problems. I'm also thinking, that I shouldn't call MFS, because I want do this through friends. Oh, I wish that I had time on my phone so I could talk to Debbie today. I have absoultely no money on my phone, and I can't afford to get any anytime soon. I also cannot ask someone to pay that for me, it's just not right, so not right. A phone plan needs to be found where this would be so much cheaper. Am in great need of a job but I feel so stressed that I don't know where to begin. I tell myself, Tuesday, I will go to the JPC and ask them for assistance jobwise. Thinking how totally screwed I am with coming up with these monthly payments with no job. Clicking in and out of my email box, I'm hoping Debbie, or Richard, or someone will talk to me. I'm stressing over what I got on my social work test, it wasn't what anyone expected. I need to find psychology journals on how BPD effects relationships for Abnormal Psych class. "The Ballad of the Sad Cafe" has to be read by Wednesday. I've read 12 pgs, was assigned 2 days ago. I know my friends are getting themselves into something dangerous, and all I can do is sit back and pray. I worry that I've done nothing for anyone, or that I've just made things worse by saying anything. How I would I could take the stance of, "Oh well, watch it fall", but I feel such need to intervine. I don't know how to help anymore, myself, or anyone else. Failed as friends to many, repeatedly. Caused people to feel they've failed me when they haven't. I'm possessive and have issues with dependency, but I don't know to fix that, or if I want too. I miss my friends, my new friends I have now, and the ones I moved away from. I feel so distant. I feel frustrated physically, mentally, sexually, spiritually, everything. Nothings going right. Most of all, I just wish people could understand how I feel, and why. (I've gotten 2 snuggless today ~~~ snuggle me)
Wednesday, February 16th, 2005
10:32 pm	Hurts --- I'm dealing with a dual pain. Physically, my shoulders are killing me. I dunno what the hell I did to them but whatever was done was really bad! It hurts from my neck down into both shoulders. Despite the pain tho, I must go to school tomorrow. I must. I have a lab, maybe 2 since she dismissed us early, and I have a social work test I cannot miss. Gah. Plus my mom is on my case about it, gr! Second, I feel so empty. A friend of mine called tonight, Mahasin, and left me a voicemail demanding my immediate attention. I called her back, asking what was wrong. I sorted her out, and then we began to chat and catch up with eachother. Kinda a crummy day to do it, but nonetheless, I liked helping her out and talking to her like old times. But, it also was really bad timing. Deb's net was down so she made her way to a friend's house to talk to me, just as she IM'd me I got the phone call from Mahasin. I told Deb's to hold as I took the call. She then got dragged off somewhere and said she'd return as quickly as possible. She left over an hour ago and still has not returned. It hurts... How I wish *I* was that close to pull her away, but I do that enough being this far. I feel so selfish, like I'm trying to control her life. I hate that it might come across that way. So by taking the call I lost time I could have had with her. So now I feel this void... I talk to Deb's every night, and when I don't, I feel like I'm missing something. And right now... I feel horrible... I feel that void... But I know soon enough, she will come back to me, always. (snuggle me)
9:42 pm	Stolen from sunshine87 K, I'm screening comments so say whatever you want! I'm curious! Be funny or serious, don't care. If you woke up and I was in bed with you, what would be your first thought? (Now post this in your LJ and find out what mine would be.) (snuggle me)
7:02 pm	Blah Shoulder still hurts majorly. I'm still tired. I think I'm going to have a hot steamy shower which might help my muscles. Deb logged in and then logged out... Dunno what was up with that... Tried calling her but no answer... Don't get it, dunno what happened... But, it sucks, majorly. Now I'm sitting wondering what happened, and if she will return... I hope so... Richard and I talked breifly on IM. That was nice. I've missed that muchly. Ha, one of my fav songs is on, 2am. Nice song. Love it, love it! I know I posted the lyrics before, but, too bad! 2 Am and she calls me cause I'm still awake Can you help me unravel my latest mistake I don't love him and winter just wasn't my season. Yea we walk through the doors so accusing their eyes Like they have any right at all to criticize Hypocrites you're all here for the very same reason. Cause you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button girl So just cradle your head in your hands. And breathe, just breathe, whoa breathe just breathe May he turned 21 on the base of Fort Bliss Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist Ain't been sober since maybe October of last year Here in town you can tell he's been down for while But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles Wanna hold him but maybe I'll just sing about it Cause you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button boys so cradle your head in your hands And breathe, just breathe, whoa breath just breathe There's a light at the end of this tunnel you shout cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out And these mistakes you've made You'll just make them again if you'll only try turnin' around 2Am and I'm still awake writing this song If I get it all down on paper it's no lonmger inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...yeah breath Just breathe, ohho breathe God, love it love it love! I always sing that song to myself. Awesomeness, yeah! http://www.annanalick.com click on "HIGH". You can hear it, frikken awesome. Bwahahaha! Off to shower I think, when this song ends. Current Mood: tired, sore, missing something Current Music: 2am (snuggle me)
6:45 pm	( Lil thing ) (snuggle me)
5:17 pm	Fall in to him... He grabs you firmly in his hand and pulls you aside to a darkened lonely corner. Softly touches your skin and tells you of all the comforting things you long to hear. He craddles to your need, and whispers your longings. His fingers feel like wind whisping through your hair, a told secret as soft as baby's breath, an innocence is reached. The feeling of comfort has an eerie lurking reaction behind it. As clear as a scream in a stillful night the word falls upon you... Run. A mental state is reached of dominance and submission. The coaxing of his words seem to melt my heart, and my mind begins to believe the things he whispers upon my ear. Reality becomes gray, and the line between what are lies and truths are lost in translation. The feeling of that confusion is missed, that peaking of a dissociative state, a wandering universe that lies within the mind when you meet with him. How you long for that release, and that loss of touch from the cold truth in such a real world. It whispers louder in the dark... Run. Losing all what is rational, the words continue to be spoken and absorbed, believed. Strive to discover his features, his face, the look beyond his eyes, into his soul. Who does this dark creature resemble? From where does he come? Why is his wish consist of only to break me down into the worthlessness that is already known within? Where does his power reside, form, and how can it be resisted? ...Run. He takes you by the shoulders and presses firmly into the flesh. Never flinch. You peer forward into the nothingness. You lose yourself in a fantasy of where you need to be. You feel yourself pulled back into his cruel hands that somehow provided a comfort not long ago. The tears are welding. You feel your failure into his grasp. You feel your world spinning into the void he's made for you. His web entangles you, and as you glance upon his face you see the demon that you had long known within your own mind as he seeps his way back into your soul. He whispers into your ear, Why didn't you run? (I've gotten 5 snuggless today ~~~ snuggle me)
8:24 am	Staying home. I decided I'm staying home today. I pulled a muscle yesterday and it still hurts. I got no sleep last night because of it, and so I decided F it! Everyone else allows themselves days to stay off when they don't feel up to it, so that's what I'm doing. I'm taking a restful day for myself when I don't feel up to it. Now, I'm off to nap and make up some sleeping time I lost last night. Love, hugs, glowing vibrators, and frosted flakes. Tag later. (I've gotten 2 snuggless today ~~~ snuggle me)
Tuesday, February 15th, 2005
8:16 pm	Updating too much. Meh. Need to go to meeting tomorrow, already don't wanna go, not fun, don't wanna don't wanna! Should write a new poem to turn in, but ya know... I just don't feel up to it right now. But I do have to turn in the other two, Heathen and Unborn Child. If I can find them. Don't wanna reprint, don't make me! Waiting for Debs, she said she'd be home before 8, for sure, and it's 8:18. Not cool. I know she's prolly tied up somewhere... Someone kidnapped her... Or, she went home and napped for a while. She was super tired on the phone. She not been feeling real great lately. And yet, I'm still selfish, mmm. Wrong of me, bad Lisa! I am distracting myself with the movie Remember the Titans though. Decent movie. But I've seen it too much. I'm not a big "lets watch the movie a million times" type person. Hmm... I should search for those poems... Try to kill time til Debbie shows up? Richard! You never talk to me! Gah! Call me sometime? I try IM'ing with you but you're always away, so yeah, I make the first step to get a hold of you, so you can call me! (I've gotten 2 snuggless today ~~~ snuggle me)
3:00 pm	Laura! Be gay with me! And don't forget the seeds for our trip to the moon! K? As for the rest of my day: Psych we watched a movie, I wanted to sleep. Not something that usually hits me in that class. Oh well. Then I went to social work. Carlson said she forgot the test so we have to take it Thursday! Yay! Then she yelled at people for 20 minutes for not starting their site projects, mine's done, ha! Only one finished, double ha! But then, it got... interesting... She released the class early. I stayed behind with my cousin, to ask if she had looked over my paper. She said she didn't "go over it with a comb yet" but that it looked ok. She told me she wanted to talk with me. I said ok, since I had another hour to kill I didn't have to be anywhere. She asked me in a joking way if it mattered if I did horrible on the paper. I said, it would, I'm a perfectionist. I began to explain why. That anything lower then an A was like failing to me. We talked for an HOUR, damn. How she got me talking amazed me later, but it was nice I guess. She was *REALLY* supportive and trying to help me with the situation, greatly appreciated that. And I always will. In other news, I got a C+ on my Biology examination, GRR! Owwies. Hurtful grade, hurtful grade. But, as Carlson said, can't change it. Gotta accept your mistakes and move on. I'm waiting to harass Debbie? She got in to work late and I want to call her! But I don't wanna bug the hell out of her. So I'm waiting for her to call me back with an "it's ok to call", but God knows I'll prolly just end up calling anyway. We'll see, I'm pretty tired. I think I might just nap. Laters. (I've gotten 1 snuggles today ~~~ snuggle me)