Erica J.'s LiveJournal

Time:	1:04 am.
Mood:	working.
Music:	Landslide - Fleetwood Mac.

cigarettes are bad. cigarettes are bad. cigarettes are bad.

as you can tell, i have succombed to their sweet burning death once again. i have no willpower.

midterms are a bitch. i keep having to remind myself that college is actually a good thing and that going back to school was a good decision. maybe if i say it enough i'll believe it, like with little sticks of addictive burning death.

sometimes i wish i were more of a bitch. my forgiving nature is going to best me one of these days, and i'm going to end up the loser. love makes you do all sorts of dumb stuff.

maybe love is my weak point. maybe i should go join some remote, rural cloister and take a vow of celibacy and love like a hermit, doing nothing but reading boring religious texts and living on bread and water.

yeah right.

fucking psychopharmocology. this class is so cool, but its going to kill me. slowly.

coffeee.....

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Time:	11:33 pm.
Mood:	gloomy.
Music:	Travis - Slide Show (Live at The Link Café Glasgow).

cigarettes are bad. cigarettes are bad. cigarettes are bad.

maybe if i say it enough it will be true.

i was bad. i should not succumbed to the temptation that is cigarettes. they are bad for you. and i know better. but stress what telling me just this once... twice... shit.

i still feel like hell, though not quite as hell-like as i was before.

i can't stand insensitive, uncaring people. why can't family be supportive? or even if its impossible to be supportive, don't be insulting about it. i can't be supportive because well... that's obvious but you're family goddammit. i hope the karma comes back to you, dammit. three-fold as the neo-pagans say.

not that i support the infuriating goings-on of certain others... but even though i have been wronged, i am not being a traitorous bitch. not all of me, anyway.

my heart still hurts.

and so do my lungs.

sweet, smoky death...

*hack*

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Time:	1:17 am.
Mood:	sad.
Music:	Tori Amos - Merman.

why did i decide to start over? well, there's been a lot of starting over lately, some of it's been pretty nice, but some of it... well.

"sorrow is a pretty good friend to have" is a rather correct phrase, but it can also lull you into forgetting about life.

for those of you who i haven't let know aobut what's going on with me... i've been gone for a while. i left school for a time, lived in a strange city, worked with some strange folks, and decided that i felt whole enough to start this academic way of life back up this month.

its funny how being a year removed from somewhere warps you, the place, and all the people you've loved there.

it hasn't been easy. i felt whole and ready, but i guess i'm a lot more vulnerable than i let on. i'm doing my best, and so far i haven't gotten too licked yet. except...

love is treacherous. betrayal really sucks, and i need to decide whether or not i fight this battle or walk away. it really sucks to put all your trust in a person, believe in them, think their love unwavering and have it all gone in a blink of an eye. how do i even begin to process it all? do i dare trust in him again?

what gets to me a lot now is the fact that my anti-depressants won't let me get as upset as i really want to be right at this very moment. i really want to throw the worst kind of raging tantrum, but the celexa has me under very tight control. which is both frustrating and relieving, because i really felt like i could have painted the wall red with someone's blood. at least last night.

a lot of my anger has just ebbed into sadness. slow sadness.

so that's me in a nutshell.

right now, at any rate.

sleep now...

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