In reading some of your entries and reflecting upon my own personal life, I think it is safe to say that I have a serious case of the "in betweens". In Tibetan Buddhism, the term "Bardo" means the time in between states, in between lives, in between transitions, etc. A bardo state is that period of time that lapses in between two points, whether its rebirth, a transition, a mental state or what-have-you.

This moment in my life is one giant bardo period. My life has entered a giant waiting room, taken a number and has been seated in a hard, red plastic chair pushed up against a wall. There's no telling how many numbers are ahead of me, or behind me. I'm just hanging here...not really even waiting for anything.

All sorts of things come up here, in this waiting room. Ideas, delusions, fantasies, illusions, temptations, the past and the future presenting themselves in skillful ways and a lot of thoughts. Do I go back? Do I go forward? Can I surrender to the moment? Will I give myself away to useless distraction? Be here now. Breathe. Thinking of how things used to be comfortable...bliss in ignorance. Things are never the same once the light is turned on, right? Waiting...not knowing. Trying to figure out whether to seek out comfort or grace.

These periods of the in between. The bardo period. It is just as important as all those important moments. Perhaps even more so if one can manage to settle down into it instead of trying to rush through it and fill the emptiness of it with some other "big" moment or comfort. Its in this period where things can really change, emerge, shed away. Its a scary place, this waiting room. Noone ever really talks about it though, in this way.

I want to decorate mine with Indian silks, brocade, down pillows, pictures on the wall and soft candlelight...

Another year has come and gone. I can't believe it. It feels like January was just yesterday.

This January, I'm turning 30!! Yikes.

Not that new year's resolutions ever really work out for me, but I do want to try to do a better job of keeping my journal up in the coming year. This journal and a paper one. Last year I kept a journal with all my personal writings plus clippings and photos from world's events and things that transpired over the year. Its a nice history to have and I completely spaced on doing it this year.

Some questions I've been pondering over the last day or two:

What was the biggest lesson learned this year?

....for me, it was to RELAX. To relax, be spacious and trust myself and life. Enjoy.

What do I plan on accomplishing in the next year?

...well, lots. I think I tend to keep going with things so much that I forget to relax and enjoy things. So, in the next year I'd like to see myself enjoy more of my life. I'll be starting a doctorate program in the fall. I'd like to travel to Budapest in the summer with my father, develop a new support group program at work, make plans for a trip to India, settle my debts (financially and otherwise) and begin to build the foundation for a life in the thirties. There isn't much that I'd like to see myself accomplish in terms of paper and plaques on the wall. Perhaps finally have a show up in a gallery somewhere in the Bay Area in the next year. Do more with a creative women's group I recently came in contact with. I'd like to get started in school and accomplish more internally and psycically, as well as in relationships going in my life. I'd like to be attracting more abundance and nourishment, rather than drama. There's only one way to do that and its cleaning out the old, the dust and the muck.

What would I like to leave behind this year?

...my penchant for getting into bad relationships and blaming it on others. my lack of self-acceptance and overthinking of things. any excessive worrying can stay behind too.

what would I like to take with me?

...inspiration, creativity, drive and faith that as I move forward, things will progress and blossom. Faith that in all of this, I will grow and change and transform my life into something spectacular, powerful and my own.

What about you?

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Okay. I must have travelled into some mind vortex in the last couple of weeks as I forgot all about Livejournal! Oh no! Just the other day Eileen was telling me that I haven't been updating enough. The truth is, I miss updating too...I miss writing here. It was one of the few moments I had to sit and check-in with myself and all of you.

So, here I am.

There have been some souls out there who continously travel in and out of my mind through memory...memories in pictures, short films, sounds and feeling. The feeling of skin, or eye contact or laughing with each other. These memories come over me like the scent of flowers blowing in the wind. Lingering, I breathe them in and sometimes try to let them go, until they re-appear again showing me a new angle. Sometimes inspiring me to reach out and touch them, only they are transparent and veil like.

It brings up the question of getting in touch with the past though. Does the past want to get in touch with me?

If new light could be shed at a different angle and perhaps break another piece of my heart open, that would be nice.


Love.




Heading down through SB to LA tomorrow...

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so, i'm finally here. settled into my new Oakland home.

*relief*

its been super hectic. and, this week is a sign of it maybe not slowing down? lots of work to do and i'm working on finishing up a grad school application that is due in the hands of one very kind and flexible admissions counselor...the deadline has passed, but he met me and set up an interview anyway and asked me to promise to get my packet in by tomorrow! This was on Tuesday...ahhh!

i'm really looking forward to life up here. its such a fresh start. i'll have to really get into that part later, but it truly is a relief to be where i am at in my life right now. (remind me that i say that now...;o)

love.