| Friday, April 13th, 2001 |
| 5:19 am |
HaPpYNeSs :)
Today was a great great day. Nothing went wrong. I didnt fight with my dad, nor mom. And everything is just great. Im so in love with my baby :) Hes so special. And he makes me feel special. Ya know? like heres an example...when he was leaving the chat room "*** MarKedFlesH42o has quit IRC (Quit: I LOVE MY BABY HEIDI!!!!!!!!!)"
And heres some more stuff he said to me " I love you sooo much baby" " I'll be thinking of you" and " awwwwwwwwwwww" " baby ur sooooooo sweet" He really loves me and he treats me really good. Its also 3 days from my sweet 16. Speakin of it...Right now im listening to Destiny's Child "Sweet Sixteen" So I Leave off says...Love is such a wonderful thing and im glad i found it :) (1 ShinDiGGy | share your ShinDiGGy) |
| Thursday, April 12th, 2001 |
| 6:20 am |
BoReD @ 6:20 A.M.
Blah...you would think id be sleeping by now huh? I am sooooo tired..and that Mountain Dew wore off. I dont feel like drinkin another one cuz..well i should be asleep which i will do soon. Dur! *yawning* I played some scooby doo game...it was pretty kewl it was hard th0. Im listening to Lil Zane "M.O.N.E.Y" its a great song "...This is for ya money makas.." i dunn0. My b/f wants to get nudes online LoL...im seriously considering it. Today i heard my parents arguing all day. What am i gonna do if they split? i mean...i cant chose to live with just one...ya know? And that joint custody shit..i could never deal with it. Id go crazy..being here one day..being there the next. I cant live with my aunt..cuz she can barely take care of herself and my uncle. so i feel like im stuck :/ Ya know? Thats why im hoping this relationship with me and MaTT really lasts...maybe something will happy before (if) my parents split up. Maybe he'll have an apartment and i could live with him. Who knows..! BuT i do know..That my bestest friend Jenn..would help me out. I mean..maybe this coming May i might leave to live with her anyways. Ya know? That would be awesome. I Could live with my sister..but omg..we'd end up killing each other. So basically id be screwed if i didnt have Jenn. I Don't Know what id do without her. Today i ate ..For Breakfast- a banana and granola bar with some milk...Lunch-none...snack-2 cookies and some milk...dinner-salad. Im tryin to diet..even th0 everyone says i dont need it :/ And i think starting today im gonna start doin some tae-bo. I dont know. *trying to keep eyes open* Jenn is in my MSN right now LoL shes a d0rk...Everyday i think bout what MaTT lo0ks like...i mean...i dont care if he was like uglee or not..i just wanna see a picture of the guy im dating ya know? So i leave off saying...MooN Snapple (green tea) is Da BomB and YuMMy...and...I LOVE MATT 4-EVER!!!! (1 ShinDiGGy | share your ShinDiGGy) |
| Wednesday, April 11th, 2001 |
| 11:56 pm |
....
Right now im listening to destiny's child - stay..."...If i loved you a lil bit longer..if our love was a lil bit stronger..would you stay baby please stay..if i granted all of ur wishes...give ur more than touches or kisses would you stay..stay...i need u to stayyyy.."
Is that what you need for love to make love? Is that the only way a guy will stay around? I hope not..cuz then...what do you have? thats not love thats just lust..right? I mean im not gonna sleep with every guy ya know? At the end of this song it says "thou shall cherish life" How can you cherish it without love...ya know? I dont know...love is such a confuzin thing. I mean im not sayin any of this cuz im unhappy with love cuz MaTT makes me really happy. But i mean do ppl really need love to survive? Help me? I dont know? (4 ShinDiGGys | share your ShinDiGGy) |
| 3:42 pm |
hMmM
Today when i woke up...i saw Heather and Adam together be a happy couple that they are...And i starting thinkin about how happy MaTT made me feel. And he really does. I feel so special when he is around. So Then i Decided...To appologize to Heather. See here is what happened... Well this so called backstabbing bitch Jess knew i loved Adam..and since we broke up she alwayz to0k his side. So of course that made me pissed cuz she said i was like family. So then..i think anywayz...She ho0ked them up...i think to make me even more pissed. So i now hate her so much and ill never forgive her. BuT anyway..So i was thinkin..and i said to myself Im so happy with MaTT that i dont even care about Adam anymore. He was like any other b/f a bastard. And if Heather really likes him then im happy for her. Maybe he changed. But if he hurts her im gonna be very pissed and ill go off on him. On the other hand, i dont think he has. Anyways, I love MaTT he makes me feel so great. And he is so great to me. He knows just how to treat a girl. And Samantha (my friend) must realize now she lost something terrific. So i leave off today..cuz im listen to Creed "Beautiful" with part of their chorus. "Beautiful is empty, Beautiful is Free, Beautiful loves no one, Beautiful stripped me.." Just cause someones beautiful does that mean that they are heartless? (1 ShinDiGGy | share your ShinDiGGy) |
| 2:02 am |
Sweety MaTT I didnt see my baby a whole lot today. He got into a fight with his dad :( A real fight. And i cant help but to feel bad for him and im sorry hes goin thru what he is. Its hurtin me cuz i know its hurtin him. I Love Him So Much. And before he left tonite to go to sleepyz land...he said this " I love you too baby with ALL my heart" and i feel so special when he is around. I just wanna like...i dont know..mush him or something...and be with him forever. Right now im listenin to that song by Vertical Horizon "everything you want" and that song suits this perfectly...cuz right now..and for a long time..maybe forever...MaTT is everything i want. And i wish every nite so far that i see a star (3 out of 4 nites) that me and him have a long relationship. I mean no one is perfect...and i told him something that was really had to talk bout and its a very serious thing that i explained and scary. And i asked him if he hated me...and he said no..not one bit. And that shows that he loves me for me. Today he asked me, "Why do you put yourself down?" And i told him.."Because my dad doesnt want me" And its true. Maybe my dad will ease up. Today he was really nice..but i dont know. But..when i look at myself in the mirror now i do see myself as pretty and maybe im actually starting to love myself. Thanx to MaTT and my best friends. I mean i will go thru my depressions...but not cuz i think im ugly but maybe for different reasons. So..i leave off saying..Love yourself or No one...and i Love MaTT :) Foreva baby :) (share your ShinDiGGy) |
| 1:52 am |
My Day Today... Just when you think you have everything goin good..something fucks up...ya know? I mean..I was lettin my feelins out to Jess...and what does she do? she LeaVeS!...She really made me feel like shit. And ill never forgive her. Adam is my friend WTF AM I? she doesnt respond...meanwhile im supposed to be like a younger sister to her...heh. She just showed me..that she would defineately chose a guy over her friends. Thas fucked up. I Mean...look at copy Jenn...She just got back with her b/f...and im happy for her...but she knows i cant stand her b/f and hate him...that doesnt mean shes gonna force me to like him or give me up. She really listens to me..i dont get that alot. And Brandy...she has one of the biggest hearts around. I never knew that there was another person like that...i thought my grandmother was the only way...my grandmother says there is alwayz a way to solve the problem. You just gotta try. My grandparents were very wise ppl. And i wouldnt know alot that i know today without them. My grandmother gave me knowledge of Indian Tribes and neat stuff like that...morals and honesty. My grandfather..taught me humor and italian and that frank sinatra was one of the greatest singers ever. i learned words like "OoFah" which means Fuck you...so does "FonGule" then There is "Ti Volio Bene" which means I love you..."modone" means my god...hmm..oh my fav.."mal0keeAy" which is the Italian evil eye curse. The greatest shit ever. Sometimes i just think bout all the stuff we used to do together...i was the happiest person alive with them around. Now im like..not the same me...but im there. My friends and b/f bring that person out in me..the person that everyone loves. So i leave off Saying...Don't look for the bad in people..everyone has their bad side...just look for their good. Now im gonna start a new update bout me and my baby. :) (1 ShinDiGGy | share your ShinDiGGy) |
| Tuesday, April 10th, 2001 |
| 1:46 pm |
Today so far...
Last nite/this morning i stayed up late with my best friend Jenn and my other go0d Friend Brandy...Brandy went to sleep around 4:30...It was sad..but she needed sleepies. However..i didnt get to sleep til after 8 or around 9...i got a couple hours sleep. Me and Jenn Do some crazay shit at nite. (not like that) we laugh at the lamest shit...its like we get high or something when were are tired. Its Really funny. She hasnt slept yet...i know she has alot on her mind...and its Jenn ya know? She dont sleep. She must have insomnia or something..sometimes i wonder....if i will wake up the next day..or even if i want to. Sometimes days are just so bad...you dont wanna have to face the world. That usually happens alot for me and Jenn...After i woke up (leavin my comp on and runnin) i found an Instant Message from my sweet b/f MaTT...he called me sexy and he knows i dont think of myself as sexy...but he insists on it. And it makes me feel special. Just like..how whenever he leaves...he'll tell me he loves me..or that he doesnt wanna leave me...like last nite. Its a very go0d feeling to know you're wanted. So i leave off saying...Love is a special thing...just dont rush it :) I Love you MaTT :) (3 ShinDiGGys | share your ShinDiGGy) |
| 4:50 am |
My Baby MaTT :)
Ok...suddenly...MaTT pops in my mind..so lets say some things bout him. Well first off...hes so sweet and caring...and protective. i love protective guys...it shows alot of care. Some of the things he does are so cute...like when in #flirt he'll scream "I LOVE MY BABY HEIDI" or something like that..just outta no where. and hes always doin something to make ppl happy...adding a song to his irc or just listenin to them talk..hes just so great and im lucky to have him again. Im sorry i ever lost him. I love him alot i really do. Someone once told me..i use love to easily...well..i dont know why i do. Yea i admit..i have a couple of times said i love you when i didnt mean it...for instance...Sorry Trev i hope u never read this...but i told him i loved him and wanted him back...that was like the day me and my ex broke up....it wasnt true. But what i do feel for matt is real. He has alot of qualities i like...and hes just so..i dunn0..its hard to describe..he makes me feel real good bout myself and not to many ppl can do that. Baby i love you and you are very special to me...
mwahz (3 ShinDiGGys | share your ShinDiGGy) |
| 3:10 am |
just stuff on my mind...
I realize today (well not only today) but where would i be with out my friends. My Best Friend Jenn..She keeps me goin throughout everything. Shes alwayz on my side, watchin out for me and alwayz tryin to keep me happy and we all know thats real hard. And i think...if she wasn't there...i wouldnt be here. Adam (my ex) totally screwed me over. And..to him its just a fling..but i take relationships for real. So what if its over the net...does that mean you cant love the person? i dont agree with that..i cant. I mean...cuz if that is true that you cant that means all my friends online dont love me...and i wont ever believe that. I also think bout my new b/f Matt...we started dating April 8th..yea you are probably thinkin like "oh wow" only 2 days...well its not...This is our 3rd time together. The first time we broke up...well i was stupid..i must admit...i thought he was goin to get in serious trouble with the law. So i didnt want to live everyday wonderin if hes ok. I know i know...lame reason..the second time we broke up was cause...actually im not quite sure. He broke up with me cause i think he wanted to be single. And one day...i checked my hotmail..and i get this sweet email..him askin me back out...so i figure..i do care bout him alot..3rd times a charm. Sometimes i think my life is cursed. I feel like everything is breakin apart..i mean come on..im only turning 16 (april 16th). I lost my grandparents...then another sorta grandma figure..then my dog died..i had to give away my horse...Then my b/f for 3 months..broke up with me and it turns out he was using me..he to0k my virginity...and........gone. Well he did give me the benefit of the doubt...he gave me a gold ring...and at least he told everyone i was go0d. But it hurts when someone says then love you and they dont mean it.. (for instance Adam, Keith, CT, this guy Josh i know....and so many more) and it really hurts. Then i find out...my dad might have to get a lung transplant if he doesnt stop smoking...they have to see if they can catch it...if they don't there is a good chance he will die. I mean...my dad said to me "im sorry i had a daughter" but i love him ya know..hes my dad..and i dont want anything to happen to him...despite his miserableness and him not wantin me...hes a good parent to the rest of the kids. Then my mom..Her back will never be better..some days shes fine like you and me...the next she can barely walk...then my aunt..heh...she might have cancer in that awful spot on girls...her heart has been acting up lately...its like never ending..my other uncle and aunt..refuse to talk to my family now..its like my world is fallin apart..i mean...why?? im just a girl tryin to be happy..ya know? I mean i have my own problems to deal with...i have a nervous condition...and i go crazy sometimes...and i think i sleep to much..but i mean..i dont know. I just wanna know WHY?? WHY ME??? What did i do to deserve this. I look back at my grandmother...and i remember how she died and all that..its alwayz replayin in my mind..she was only supposed to go for an angeoplasty..thats 1 day surgery. Then a week goes by and she still wasnt home. And one day..my mom comes home and says...Grandma isnt gonna make it...so we bring my entire family to the hospital...babies and all...my grandfather was sick as it is...he could barely walk or see. And i remember...we stayed in that hospital waiting room for over 2 weeks...2 WEEKS!!! living on bagels and coffee. And i remember...me and my grandfather were standin by my grandmothers bed..listenin to the beeping and watchin her lie unconscious. My mom walkz in and i say..."how bout we get some coffee and come back?" she says ok...so the whole family..goes in the cafe' and is drinkin their coffee/juice...i remember i was at the coffee machine gettin a refill...And a nurse comes over to me (quite paniced) and says..."Excuse me...but arent you with the **** family" (not mentionin my last name) i responded "yes whats the problem?" She says "you better gather ur family...shes dieing now..." So i rushed over to my table...and i told everyone..while i felt my tears comin already..me and my mom ran ahead of everyone...and i lo0ked at my grandma...i grabbed her hand...and i said "Grandma..you gotta stay with us..you just gotta...we need you!!!" and i swear i felt her grab my hand...and just as everyone rushed in...she stopped breathing...and the machine with a steady "beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep" i stare at her...not believin it..i lo0k at my grandfather crying so hard...and im thinking..."why god?" Then i lo0k over at my grandmother...give her a kiss on the forehead...and then we left the hospital..such quiet days were ahead. Then a couple of weeks later..my grandfather starts to die..of "heartbreak" he requsted to die at home..and he did...we watched him..day after day..slowly lose his life..color...hope. And one day..i woke up hearing the crys of my mother...and i rushed outta my room..into my grandfathers...and he was...gone..just like that. I know This is a long entry and it seems forever. But its me ya know? And my grandparents were/are the biggest thing in my life. And i am forever lost without them. (2 ShinDiGGys | share your ShinDiGGy) |
| 1:16 am |
Today...
A day of grief and boredum...i hurt my head bad..big ass bruise and my niece cried all day..
blah the joy of life and its downfalls. The storm today turned my power off for bout an hour that suxed. I missed my fav tv show :( i thought bout MaTT all day thinkin...if this is real or what not...i dunn0. blah (6 ShinDiGGys | share your ShinDiGGy) |