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Tuesday, July 16th, 2002
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7:15 pm - lalala
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| Monday, July 8th, 2002
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3:11 am - i like this song...
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current music: lifehouse - Everything
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(save me)
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| Sunday, July 7th, 2002
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4:51 pm - king of prussia
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i'm realli excited to go to kop today!! i get to hang out with angi, eric and pauline. yay!!
current mood:  excited
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(save me)
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2:03 am - xanga?
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1:40 am - worries of this world
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worry worry worry, i am filled with worry. i have to worry about my money, whether i have enough to pay for this and that... did i forget to pay any bills? constantly i have to think about it, i cant escape it, i am a slave to worry
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(save me)
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1:19 am - of dreams and such
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my interpretation of that dream about east asia is quite simple... since it was my dream, i kinda know what i was thinking as i was dreaming it...
buying lots of stuff there was the manifestation of my thoughts about pauline's gift to me and my interpretation of how she likes it there so much. the person that walked away is the manifestation of my fears of rejection especially with evangelism. pauline walking all around town symbolized the act of evangelism. me following pauline and her finding me being an annoyance symbolizes my fear of rejection and was my mind creating another situation where i am rejected. but more than that it also symbolizes my own fear of being worthless. that i am not only just a tag-along, but that i have no capability of my own. which seems to be the case all too often for it is a vicious cycle...
current music: michellebranch - All You Wanted
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(save me)
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| Saturday, July 6th, 2002
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11:19 pm
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sleep-- i hate sleep. i hate that i need it so. i hate that i can't live without it. i hate that i can't escape it. i hate that i am enslaved by it and that i am too weak to overcome it. i wish i could just close my eyes, and make it immediately tomorrow, and be awake and fully energized to start a new day, but instead each morning is a battle with myself to free myself from the ensnaring tentacles of sleep.
it was so unlike me a few days ago, i was so angry, i was about to kick the computer to death. i had to tell myself to calm down. i hate computers.
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(save me)
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11:10 pm
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i'm beginning to think there's two me's. Maybe i have multiple personality disorder... but there's this one me who's shy afraid and so unsure of himself. he tries to stay out of the limelight, and be hidden and inconspicuous. he hates himself, is driven by fear and is easily intimidated. then there's the other me who's confident and strong. he's expressive and assertive. he's motivated -- he knows what he wants and goes after it. two totally different people -- the same person.
today i am lost. i'm not sure who i am. no i am trying to find that second one.
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(save me)
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10:30 pm
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I wish i had one of those wireless keyboards. yhen i could like type from any position i wanted and from whereever... no better yet voice recognization software that really works.... they probably have that stuff already... i just don't know where to buy it or maybe it costs a fortune... no probably not... well maybe one day
i could have gone to watch mib with monica tonight, but i decided not to... not entirely sure why. no i think the root reason is because i don't find movies enjoayable much when with other people. i guess i find myself wanting more than just a collective effort to be entertained by staring at a large theater screen for 2 hours. no i think im searching for something beyond entertainment, but i never seem to get it. i can't stand that feeling -- wanting more... wondering what it is that i can't really touch. why i'm not quite there -- where i want to be. im starting to doubt whether or not the thing im looking for really exists. or maybe i've been here before and i know it all too well. maybe to get what i want, i just need to create it. maybe the potential to exist is there, i just have to release it--set it free. that's what i'd like to believe.
Fireworks on thursday--maybe it was just that monica's dad and people that i didn't know would be there. perhaps that's why i hesitated going to watch those fireworks. No the truth is i have grown so far apart from monica that i no longer feel comfortable with her anymore. so i had to call on an old crony eric to come along. it's like one of those group outings where you don't know any of the people there, so you call a friend to go with you to make it less awkward.
current music: Goo Goo Dolls - Here Is Gone
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(save me)
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| Thursday, July 4th, 2002
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11:37 pm
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ddr-mania... played ddr almost half the day... then fireworks with monica and er. i guess the day didnt turn out as bad as i thought it would. it was so loud i think i have a headache now because of it! ouch! back 2 work tmrw. i wonder how much i'm going to have to work tmrw. i bet i'm going to stay really late again. i really gotta finish up with this project. they're expecting me to finish. i don't see why they want me to finish 2 and a half weeks of work in 7 days. it's not really fair of them to make me do that. especially with the money they pay me. i could be workin somewhere else. is the culture really low pressure here? i'm not certain. i've never really worked outside of factiva so how can i know whether it's better or worse out there. what am i doing here? what should i really be doing?
I think that i don't have much of a desire to go to cell group. i do want to go, but not enough to make me leave work to do it. it's kinda like something i want to do, but i feel that it's hard to do... and it is hard because i don't really know any of the people there. it's like i'm hesitant to meet these people . i think part of it is because i am so tired at the end of the day. hmmm i don''t have any drinks in the house.... i should go and buy some... maybe tomorow
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(somebody who cares | save me)
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2:20 pm
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the day before, i had this wierd dream... i was in some large east-asian nation visiting pauline and i went shopping. i bought a lot of stuff that i apparently liked in the dream. and the people there were really nice... i think. i don't remember what i bought anymore. i remember i was going to meet up with pauline but i didn't know where to find her and i figured it would be impossible to find her in such a big place, and then i saw her--i remeber thinking what a strange happenstance it was that i would chance upong meeting her on the street... i think she was talking to someone. i think i musta chased that person away because she left i think. then pauline started walkin all around town and i was following her. it was wierd bc the town was like one of those 3d games and the buildings were all boxy and featureless. i asked her about how her missions were going and i think she was getting annoyed, and i followed her all around town. i think she was trying to get rid of me. that's all i remember
i had lunch with rod and chris that day along with all the people that were invited from factiva. and heidi's dad was there too. i wonder what he was doing there... probably some kind of training classes i donno.
i had a wierd dream yesterday too. i was with at hofstra except it was on village rd. i was wondering what i was doing there when i said i wouldn't go. and the only people there were youth from pcc. wayne was telling jokes and he asked me 2 riddles which i couldn't figure out the answer to, and i woke up and was still trying to figure it out. i should have just given up and asked him what the answer was. i wonder if he would have been able to tell me.
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(somebody who cares | save me)
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| Sunday, June 2nd, 2002
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1:17 am - windows into peoples lives
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instant messaging, these tiny little windows through which flow so much life just flows through.
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(save me)
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| Sunday, May 19th, 2002
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12:53 am - i really like this music.
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You and I got somethin
But it's all and then it's nuthin to me, yeah
And I got my defenses
When it comes through your intentions for me, yeah
And we wake up in the breakdown
With the things we never thought we could be, yeah
I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
We got to move you darlin
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all
And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone
I am no solution
To the sound of this pollution in me, yeah
And I was not the answer
So forget you ever thought it was me, yeah
I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
We got to move you darlin
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all
And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone
And I dont need the fallout
Of all the past that's in between us
And I'm not holding on
And all your lies weren't enough to keep me here
And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone
And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
I know it's out there
I know it's out there
And I can feel you falling
I know it's out there
I know it's out there
Somehow here is gone, yeah
I know it's out there
I know it's out there
Somehow here is gone, yeah
-goo goo dolls
current mood:  relaxed
current music: Goo Goo Dolls - Here Is Gone
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(somebody who cares | save me)
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| Friday, May 10th, 2002
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4:51 pm - i watched er last night
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it was a real tear-jerker...
i just wanted to say:
Every generation
Blames the one before
And all of their frustrations
Come beating on your door
I know that I'm a prisoner
To all my Father held so dear
I know that I'm a hostage
To all his hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years
Crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations
I'm afraid that's all we've got
You say you just don't see it
He says it's perfect sense
You just can't get agreement
In this present tense
We all talk a different language
Talking in defence
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye
So we open up a quarrel
Between the present and the past
We only sacrifice the future
It's the bitterness that lasts
So Don't yield to the fortunes
You sometimes see as fate
It may have a new perspective
On a different day
And if you don't give up, and don't give in
You may just be O.K.
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye
I wasn't there that morning
When my Father passed away
I didn't get to tell him
All the things I had to say
I think I caught his spirit
Later that same year
I'm sure I heard his echo
In my baby's new born tears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye
~Mike and the Mechanics
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(somebody who cares | save me)
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| Thursday, May 9th, 2002
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11:28 pm - ahhh!!
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what year is it? 2001 or 2002?? i'm so confused...!!!
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(save me)
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2:00 pm - ?!
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today is thursday??? i thought it was wednesday?? what ever happened to tuesday?
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(save me)
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| Wednesday, May 8th, 2002
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3:12 am - email
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sometimes i'm checkin my mail my mind starts to wander. i start thinkin on tangents and while i skim over my messages i mark emails as read without really thinking much about them, and then later (like 5 seconds later) i don't remember what i just read.
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i got a whole table top at ikea todaY!!
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i love berlin sans fb.
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I really don't want the amazing Xcam 2 but if it it will keep those annoyin ads from poppin up on my desktop then i'll buy it... Please!!! Just make it stop!!!
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ahhh!!! sunday is mothers day!! *gasp* *panic* *faint*
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(save me)
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| Monday, May 6th, 2002
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8:20 pm - brain slowing
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i can't help but notice the slooowwness of my brain recently. it's actually quite depressing. i feel like i'm losing my mind. anyways, i've been much less able to remember things, and all kinds of stuff. like from asking people to repeat things, to completely forgetting what i wanted to do like 30 seconds after i decide to do it.
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(somebody who cares | save me)
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8:03 pm - today
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still no cable access so i'm at work...
ikea tomorrow i hopes *ahem* pauline? fred?
anyways, sheila will come with me. if nobody comes, i'm NOT going alone. Not only do i hate going places alone, it's just impossible to carry everything alone. i can just imagine myself with a cart -- no make it two -- tryin to keep together 400 pounds of stuff on the carts without falling off. then i get to the gate area, and i pick all the stuff up on my shoulders and sprint a quarter mile to my car. yeahhh riiiiiight!
ikea furniture shopping list:
1 dining table
4 dining chairs
2 lamps
1 desk
1 or 2 bookshelves
1 coffee table
2 accessory tables
what am i forgetting?
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(save me)
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| Friday, April 19th, 2002
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7:10 pm - hmmm
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i think i'm gonna skip celly once again, stay at home and make lasagna tonight. or maybe i should go to celly. but i am so tired and i want to rest up for my big day tomorrow.
thinking about joining the dow jones gym. they've got a lot of good stuff there and ngadi says that he's gonna join too with his sister. it would be nice to workout with other people because working out by yourself can get lonely and tedious at times. it's tough to do it regularly without motivation.
yes i think i will go to cell group tonight, if only for a very short bit. i promise myself to come home by 9 so i should be fine. maybe i can drop in on yf, but then i'd be there for a very long time, and i need to rest up hmm.
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(save me)
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