Friday, August 17th, 2001
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9:37 pm - No, I'm not dead
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The salesperson at the music store thought I was weird today because the CD's I bought were 'Ozzfest 2001' and a John Denver album. I can have diverse musical tastes if I want to.
Yes I like John Denver. I have 3 Denver albums. Got a problem with it? Bite me.
Why haven't I been updating my LJ lately? Maybe it's because I hate people and don't think they deserve to read what I have to say. Maybe not... You'll have to use your own judgment as to whether I'm telling the truth or not, and if not you'll just have to guess the answer.
current mood: lonely current music: John Denver - I'm Sorry
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Sunday, August 5th, 2001
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7:56 pm - Does it make you happy you're so strange?
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The sun went down but it didn't get dark. Everything is just glowing with an orange tint...
current mood: amused current music: SP - The End Is The Beginning Is The End
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Saturday, August 4th, 2001
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9:18 pm - When time ends...
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You spend your life learning, everyone does. Knowledge is generally useful, the more you learn the more you can do. As you get older and older you've learned more and more. However, it comes to a point when you've acquired a great deal of knowledge, but you are too old to be able to do anything with it and then you die.
Such is with the human race as well. We continue to learn and advance in technology and philosophy and everything. We may someday discover for sure the meaning of life, and certainly we will discover exactly when the universe will end. Right before it does.
current mood: lonely current music: The Sisters of Mercy -Comfortably Numb/Some Kind of Stranger
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8:31 am - Sleep
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In the little bit of sleep I did get,I have one dream I remembered only because the events in it hurt or scared (can't decide which) me so much emotionally that I hadn't completely recovered when I woke up. I can't say I'm well-rested. I still haven't gotten over that dream, especially the chance that it could turn out to be real.
current mood: discontent current music: Garbage - I'm Only Happy When It Rains
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Friday, August 3rd, 2001
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10:53 pm - Nothing
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I hate all of you who can sleep, because I can't. And I don't have a clean razor blade when I need it the most. I'm going to return to staring at the ceiling because its not worth doing anything else. I want to take down my website because even the few people I don't hate are misinterpreting my writings, and it hurts me to see them hurt by what I didn't intend to say. But it takes too much effort.
current mood: discontent
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Thursday, August 2nd, 2001
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7:04 pm - Work work work then come home, talk
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Feelin' Fine.
current mood: okay current music: Garbage - Queer
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Tuesday, July 31st, 2001
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8:33 pm - I hate the world
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Apparently Nicole tried to call today. I didn't even hear the message or anything. It's probably the only chance I (would have) had to communicate with her for quite a while. This sucks, try not ever speaking to your best friend again (let alone spending time with him/her) and maybe you'll know how I feel. My apologies to those few who read my journal, but it looks like I'm going to be depressed for another week again. Sorry.
current mood: lonely current music: Marilyn Manson - Dope Hat
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Monday, July 30th, 2001
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3:43 pm - Monday (I know the day)
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I went to work this morning. A lot of little things went wrong today, as usual, but I'm not getting too stressed over it... I can make everything seem fine just by thinking it is... However, it's still not fantastic, I miss those friends who aren't ever around anymore. Sometimes it feels like my best friend was nothing more than a figment of my imagination. Sometimes I just want to build a wall.
current mood: pensive current music: The Cure - Friday I'm in Love
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3:20 am - Insane?
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I think when I walk alone I have conversations with someone who isn't really there. But I don't remember most of it except the hand gestures and then the complete terror. Such that I can't do anything except hold my hands together over my heart and continue walking, shivering. I don't trust this place and I don't like it here. I want to return home, but I'm scared to leave as well...
current mood: alone/scared current music: David Bowie - Five Years
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Sunday, July 29th, 2001
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4:57 pm - Nothing
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I am nothing from nowhere and there is nobody out there who wants to even talk to me. I am tired and alone and bored. But I'll get over it, it's nothing new to me...
I'll put on some Manson and lie down and stare at the ceiling for a while. Nice. "Both life and rioting are similar because, like a riot, life is out of control and beyond our own hands to shape it."
current mood: bored current music: Pink Floyd - Goodbye Blue Sky
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Saturday, July 28th, 2001
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10:34 am - Another day (but not another ...)
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School starts August 20th. It's taking too long... My head feels funny and I feel sick in my stomach, which is trying to reject the food I've been forcing down into it.
I miss the days when I used to go to Hope or the bay or other places with a friend. I'm going back to school soon and won't have much time to spend with friends, yet I'm not doing much of it while I still can...
current mood: lonely current music: David Bowie - Scary Monsters
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12:05 am - Human thought is a disease
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I just got home and ate rice and chicken. Now I am feeling kind of sick. And I talk too much when I am tired, there are at least two occasions when someone found out something I didn't want to be known.
And a guy named U.G. said this: Human thinking is born out of some sort of neurological defect in the human body. Therefore, anything that is born out of human thinking is destructive. All insights, however extraordinary they may be, are worthless, because it is thought that has created what we call insight, and through that it is maintaining its continuity and status quo.
current mood: sleepy current music: The Cure - Boys Don't Cry
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Monday, July 23rd, 2001
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8:24 pm - More f*cked up things
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Now my computer started screwing up. What else can go wrong? I'll be lucky if doesn't crash for long enough to post this entry. I can't believe this, people can't have such continuous bad luck...On the bright side fate will run out of horrible things to do to me soon, so it'll only be able to get better from there...
current mood: frustrated current music: Radiohead - Karma Police
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4:25 pm - In your head they're fighting
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My college classes for next semester get registered tomorrow. I'm majoring in physics and I have a bunch of classes that don't really have anything to do with physics.
I can't wait for school to start. That may sound odd, but it's because I'll be a full time student and not have time to do anything, including being depressed...
On the down side I won't be able to spend much time with friends, but that's okay because it's not the same anymore. It used to help me feel better, but for some reason it just makes things worse now.
current mood: lonely current music: Cranberries - Zombie
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7:27 am - trust is a dirty word that only comes from such a liar
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I hate Tijuana. It's the filthiest place I know of. And my best friend left me lost there last night. She and her boyfriend took me to a bus stop, leading me to understand that it was the same place they dropped me off the previous day and I knew how to get home from there. It wasn't. I didn't. I was lost in the city I hate more than anything. I can't believe they did that to me... Add that experience to a bad week and now I'm just sick of everything.
current mood: sick current music: Marilyn Manson - Long Hard Road Out of Hell
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Saturday, July 21st, 2001
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10:47 pm - Your mission, should you choose to accept it...
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I love America. Don't ask.
Optimism sucks. Life will fuck you over any way it can. Friendship is meaningless and so is love and life. If I in any way chose to come to Earth and be born, I take it back. I want out... Some day I'll have the guts to try to 'escape' again, but not today.
current mood: sleepy current music: Misfits - Dig Up Her Bones
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3:18 pm - What a waste of a day
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Whenever I run a Java application my computer either freezes or reboots right after the application finishes... It's annoying in the first place, but a major pain in the ass when I have a program I have to run several times to debug. I knew I should have stuck with good old reliable C/C++...
Also, there is a lack of good Java IDEs for Linux...
In the Nobodies video a little girl gets stuck in some branches and gets sucked into a machine, then comes out of the other end later as a bowl of gross looking soup and is eaten. I like that video.
current mood: lonely current music: Suicide is Painless
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8:25 am - This sucks
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My friends have turned into strangers.
I'm going to have to cut my hair next week if I want any hope of finding another job.
It's not even worth getting up today... I'm going back to bed.
current mood: lonely current music: The Smashing Pumpkins - Behold! The Night Mare
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Thursday, July 19th, 2001
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10:01 pm - sleep will not come to this tired body now
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I went to a college counselor today and made out my student education plan. My major is now officially physics, it might seem boring to you, but I love to know how things work. After the next semester or two I'm going to have guaranteed admission to the University of California, San Diego, and when I go there I will start as a junior instead of a freshman. By the time I'm in my late 20's I hope to be a doctor of physics and be making several hundred dollars per hour just playing with toys and designing new ones...
I went to Clayton's to perform at open mic night, but they had cancelled it. That's okay, because I wouldn't have had the balls to perform anyways. Even though I've done it elsewhere before. I was hoping Nicole and Erik would show up because I don't get to see Nicole very often anymore. They didn't. I hung out with a lunatic at the trolley stop for a while, I was kind of creeped out by him but he was very interesting. He wore a stocking on his thumb and index finger and threatened passers-by with it. He also made a joke out of everything. His personality kind of reminded me of the Cheshire Cat in Disney's 'Alice in Wonderland.' He liked metal music, so I played a couple of Metallica songs for him while he made a scene. Actually one was a Misfits song that Metallica covered, but close enough.
I also brought my laptop home from Chula Vista, where it's been in an office for almost a year and a half. I'm having fun playing all the old computer games I miss like Hexen and Duke Nukem 3D...
current mood: sleepy current music: Radiohead and Billy Corgan - If There Is A God
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Wednesday, July 18th, 2001
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10:14 pm - I'm going to sleep soon
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My internet access is working very slowly right now... this really sucks.
Know something about John Denver? Underneath that strange, creepy country boy exterior he was a warm, cuddly, Marilyn-Manson like anti-censorship activist, saying we should attack the actual problems in society, not their symptoms... Here it is, though long and probably boring.
What else? Oh yeah, I need a wife: medical science says I'd be healthier if I were married. And I can play "Ziggy Stardust" on my guitar... Good night.
current mood: sleepy current music: Kiss - God Gave Rock n' Roll to You
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