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Nice Guys Finish Last-Green Day-Nimrod |
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The road trip was awesome, true biz. Unplugged gas hoses, Clines Corners, Tourette's and my grandmother, cantelopes, shrieking in the car, a special McDonald's, Oklahoma City, Fort Erie Canada/USA bridge, dog food-smelling bread, playing Handel's "Hallelujah." Thank you, Bobby.
Only part that sucked was the end. Arriving back here at RIT. A long LJ entry is imminent. I noticed people don't usually respond to long LJ entries. That's okay.
I...I don't want to be back here. I don't have a single iota of optimism about this upcoming year. All I get are vibes of impending doom. I don't think this is going to be a good year for me. I feel like there's nothing new for me here. I'm an RA again. I have the same friends. Except they're all living on the other side of campus (with exception of ![[info]](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20040729173034im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) funkyg). I'm in the same major. I...am not going to get a job.
I know - I have a new car. A new iBook. A cochlear implant. But what do those all mean? My life feels chaotic as fuck right now. I don't know what's going to happen at all. I've got a task list about 30 items long.
I seriously considered fucking RIT this year while on the drive. The only thing that's keeping me here is my education. I told that to B - he said, "Well, I'd like to think there's a bit more than that - like your friends, for example." I love friends. But I don't think I appreciate them enough. I might totally turn in myself this year - become an introvert. I don't want to be one. I like extrovertedness.
Maybe I made the wrong decision to be a RA again. Will it be that great this time around? I want to devote more time to this job - I have a bigger (and more able) floor. I'm scared of my co - she's an art major and she's already made all the door tags and a dozen or more gorgeous decals for the hallways. She focused on it through the entire summer - and what did I do? Maybe I should fuck it after fall quarter and...do something else.
My life just feels like it'll be the same this year. I need change, methinks. I just...do not have a good feeling about this year. Perhaps I should just bail - go home. Go through intensive training for cochlear implant. But I'd shoot myself first before I went home again for 3 more months. Study abroad is looking better and better every day. I really do have to get moving on that.
Bobby has a good point - he said I didn't know what last year was going to be like - Bobby, Europe, Mandy, AJ, College Bowl - all that was totally unexpected. But still. I'm a third year now (people think junior year is the worst) and I feel like all third-years are not in this building. This is not a big deal. Forget it. Am I blowing my feelings out of proportion? Perhaps. But...I don't think so. Last year - and the year before that - I was so looking forward to the new year. But not this time.
I don't like listening to deaf people when they sign and make weird noises. It might just fuck up my entire programming. Blow a couple electrodes.
I can hear cars outside my window. I'm just on the 2nd floor - cars and more. Not sure what else I'm hearing. Doesn't matter since right now it's plugged into the laptop.
I know - I sound spoiled. Unappreciative. Petty. Self-centered. I have new toys. My quality of life, therefore, should improve. I feel like being very minimalist with my room right now. Only the barest and most necessary possessions. A couple books. Toiletries. A laptop. Pen and paper. A few shirts and shorts and one pair of shoes. That's it.
I went on the Perkins swings. I do that to myself, y'know. It was briefly calming when I took my feet off the ground. But then my processor fell out and yanked my implant along with it. And that just ruined it - despite repeated attempts to swing. I have too many things on my mind to enjoy a swing. I hope I didn't mess up my implant.
I think I may stop using LJ. It...I'm not sure what's the point. I don't know if I can stop myself from using this - I can certainly never make a post ever again. But lurking - that's fun.
My room's in complete disarray. But I don't really care. I haven't unpacked yet. I should focus on the floor first. Perhaps if I start putting some clothes away...things will start moving. I'm in limbo. That's what it is, limbo. Just floating around waiting for something to pull me down to the ground.
And that something is the beginning of RA re-training in 30 minutes. A dinner at Wendy Hagele's new house. I wonder what Mandy's cards'll say for me.
Ah, "Lick And A Promise" by Aerosmith. Interesting. Aerosmith makes awesome driving music - bought that CD in Oklahoma, I think.
Perhaps things will start movin' with that dinner tonight. Meet the staff. Say hi to the old people and welcome the new young'uns. Yeah. That should do the trick.
Let's start putting away clothes, shall we? And see how Wendy's goes. The AC, not the restaurant. Heh. I said something funny. All's truly lost when I can't do that anymore, that's one thing I know for sure.
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