Sunday, January 9th, 2005
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12:03 pm - To Any Concerned
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Wednesday, January 5th, 2005
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10:37 am - I need to more consistent
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I think my only consistency in life is not being consistent... but yet that belies not being consistent cuz I'm consistent at it... hrm. Its like the only constant thing in life is change.
Eenywho... I get annoyed with myself for not writing in journals for so long.. not here and not in my written one.. Major things happen and I don't put anything down.. its like I wait for those emotional upheaval days to write anything.. and then those don't make much sense to anyone else because most of its in my head. But then again.. who is reading this anyway? and whose benefit is this for? I started to let ppl know what was going on in my life.. but I think most of those people who knew aren't reading anymore. *shrugz* eh. so now its become mainly for me... and boi can I ramble on some things.
My biggest and greatest thing lately has been Christmas. SOOOOOO many firsts. My first christmas with my sister and her family... and a new boyfriend... always interesting. Since Thanksgiving had gone so well I was pumped up for christmas to go as well too. Some things would not work out like I was hoping to plan... such as calling up my parents and reading Luke 2 with them... its funny how something like that became a tradition in my head... it just always was a great way to start the day... but... we all showed (we being me and bryan on my side, my sister's mom big cressie, Nicole and her fiance) at my sister's house in the morning... milled around while my nephew went and saw his biological father... then nicole handed out presents and things were just so smooth... there was no negative tension from Big Cressie or Henry... I expected something on Henry's side considering his 'distaste' for black people and he was tentative about letting Bryan in his house. But with Bryan being who Bryan is- Henry is now coming to like him despite his first reservations. Which I am very happy with considering how involved my sister and I are in eachother's lives.
One small mentioning of gifts... I got an airbrush and compressor from my sister.. something I would've not gotten myself anytime soon and was thrilling to get. so very happy. Oh... man.. something that just amazed me was Bryan's reactions to my gifts.. I love to give things that suit a person.. things they actually want... I am not into just giving something for the sake of giving something... If I don't know what to give you cuz I don't know you well enough... you really won't end up with anything. but eenywho... I gave Bryan the uber-bible he's wanted, some shel silverstein books, iron maiden shirt and some flavored coffees. The bible was my favorite thing I had gotten him... and his reaction just surprised me... it wasn't like he screamed and yelled excitedly.. it was the silent amazement written all over him... I loved it. Made for a fantastic start to the day. He commented later it was just very new for someone to listen to him and actually get things he was looking for. *shrugz* what I've always tried to do. I just thank God I got so much extra money from catering and such that I could get so much for everyone.
Oi I have fallen very hard for this man.
So christmas was great... with comments from all around for the same thing to happen every year... which belies what my sister told me that they all went to someone's house every year... which I had a feeling wasn't true... I think she wanted to start some new traditions... can't blame her.
New Year's was not so great. It was fine up until the time I felt sick.... we had started the night at my sisters.. just to say hello and such... and suddenly I felt nauseated and went to the bathroom to play the to-vomit-or-to-not-vomit game. Yay me. I figure it was something I ate but really have no idea. My body has been interesting lately. Regardless, I was being waited on by the rest of the group to watch a video of christmas.... they finally started without me and I came out a bit later... the thing that got me was Bryan was concerned.. cuz I had been fine all day... I told him how I was feeling and that I didn't know the cause... I think it was mainly jokingly that he put his hand on my stomach and asked if it was morning sickness type stuff... just the visual of his hand on my stomach made some things very real to me... cuz my mind flashed to me actually being pregnant... it was a bit unnerving and thrilling at the same time... things in this relationship have made some things become very real to me in some ways... I dreamed of a little girl I had one night... and what surprises me more is my reaction to these things.. usually I put up a wall in my mind and won't let myself think about the possibilities... but now I do... I think about them and wonder and pray that things are right...
after being at my sister's.. which had become tension filled because of a spat between little and big cressie... Big cressie amazes me on how she acts more like a self absorbed teen than a mother.
To each their own, to each their own.
So after my sister's we went to his friend Matt's house for a party he was having there.. I really wish I had been feeling better cuz it was a chance to meet a lot of new people and hopefully form some more friendships... there is still very few people I know down here.. but instead all I wanted to do was lay down... but I stood around for a bit and talked with a couple of people.. played a couple of games with people... we all watched the ball drop in New York... and I got so lost in a kiss with Bryan... I usually don't do a whole lot of affection out in public.. some.. but I try to keep it in check as to be respectful to other people... but... the whole world just kind of dissipated and all there was was he and I... it was... just... wonderful. I think part of it was all the celebrating around us and how it was 'jokingly' negotiation day and so another start for us so to speak.. ha ha... I don't know. Definitely the deepest and the most I've kissed anyone in public.
So many things are different in this relationship.
Simplest acts speak loudest.
Its nice.
Very happy.
So the night went on and I finally just wanted to go home after my stomach was down to a dull roar... but really regret being sick.. not like I could do anything.. but I still always feel I can... *shrugz* who knows.
On Sunday, the second of January, my youngest sister Nicole was married to TJ. A big part of me was surprised to hear of their engagement... and then even more surprised by the mentioning of the wedding because I was barely informed a week before.. something that hurt and dismayed me. I want to be a part of these people's lives.. but how can I when I'm not let on to anything? I really wanted to make her cake for her.. but when I asked for input on it I got none... but regardless... the ceremony was very sweet.. they were married by a friend of the family.. who hit on me a couple of times while he was there.. LOL men never cease to amaze me. The ceremony was quick and to the point.. and there was a reception at Big Cressie's afterwards. Again things went without a hitch.. very few emotional hiccups... it was great. I did do my part in decorating their vehicle though.. ha ha.. condoms, peanut butter, and shaving cream everywhere... it was great... they got into a shaving cream fight.. twas crazy. and now plans are being made by them as to what they will do to me at my wedding.. ROFL This shall be definitely interesting...
Things feels so good anymore.. just feel right.. they are far from perfect... I have things to sort out and hurdles to still get past on many levels.. one of my biggest lately I feel is my lack of involvement in art... I haven't drawn anything more since I worked on my sister's drawing for christmas.. I feel I should be doing something daily... oddly enough I don't feel behind anymore.. I just need to be moving forward.. so my new goal is to finish a drawing every month.. whether it is geared towards selling to the locals or my own work out of my crazy head. I also have a longer goal of to be sold in a local gallery here in the next 2 years. I think that is a good amount of time.. especially if I stick to a drawing a month thing.
My second commission is currently evil. I don't feel like crying so I won't write much on it. Just to say the least it isn't done on time.
I'm proud that Bryan and I have started reading scripture together... we're working on the Bible in a year. I never got very far in the bible everytime I tried... but hopefully we'll keep up with it.. especially since lately I've felt the urge to read scripture... not sure why... but I have...
And anymore... 24 years seems like an awfully short time. :)
current mood:  happy
current music: Cold ~ Static X ~ Queen of Damned Sdtrk
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Monday, December 6th, 2004
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9:06 pm - Margh
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YAY EBAY!!! Found a cd that I've been wanting... mmmmm.. Sneaker Pimps. YAY!!!!!
Just the feel the urge to sit and type.. but about nothing in particular... I am back to feeling very secure and very content... best way to put it. It could come down around my ears at any time... but I'm not worried about it. Just not. *shrugz*
Now that my sister's work has moved to their new building.. I now have a 45-minute bike ride instead of a 45-minute walk... not like I can't use the exercise so i'm going to be doing it.. though multiple people are worried about me. But no incidents happened today... and it makes it less likely for guys to ask if I need a ride... blah. *smirkz*
I have already had another pic come in my head for me and Bryan. Unusual. Like that's anything new though... lol... I honestly will probably work on this one more than the first... this second idea is much more concrete but I have some research to do.
One of our customers at work today told me that 'love' couldn't happen to a nicer person... she said I'm very sweet and she crosses her fingers for me. I find this funny in the fact that I feel I've had very little interaction with this woman besides cooking/selling her food. What's even funnier is that she said that my smile after she asked me how life was going was the smile only put forth by love. Ha Ha. That's funny... but twas nice.
I have like 3-5 cuts between my two hands.... they hurt... but are healing. Gets a little tiring. Don't get me wrong I love what I'm learning... but I've never felt my calling in life was Chef. :P
Odd today.. thought occured to me that what would have been my 'one year' anniversary with Don was back in October... and I didn't notice til now... sad but true. ech. In a few months I will have been down here in SC for one year... Will be a nice birthday.
Will be a nice holiday. I'm excited on many levels. My first one with my sister and her family... which shall be interesting... and I get to share things with Bryan.. even more interesting! Problem I will have will keeping my disgust for Henry in check if problems arise because of Bryan... ugh ugh ugh. Henry is worried about the reaction of his family if they come over and find a black man there... he's afraid the comment 'Who's the nigger lover?' will hurt my feelings... which is ridiculous. A comment that is so asinine on so many levels coming from some random person.. I know none of his family and their comments will mean about as much as I know about them - nothing. More than anything it'll be amusing to see their discomfort. Ha Ha. But if they will be civil I will. Hardest part will be keeping my hands off of him... *grinz* 3;)
I want to go back to church. Something that has been weighing on my mind for a bit...
wow.. good thing Cressie transfered all this music from my old comp (now in Don's possession) to hers... some of my albums that I am now missing are on here... very nice.. now to find some CD-Rs... hrm... some albums I never had... heh
*looks at time* time to work on something productive. go me!
current mood:  cheerful
current music: My Hero ~ Foo Fighters
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Thursday, December 2nd, 2004
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12:40 am - Stroke of Luck or Gift from God?
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content
\Con*tent"\, n. 1. Rest or quietness of the mind in one's present condition; freedom from discontent; satisfaction; contentment; moderate happiness.
Such is the fullness of my heart's content. --Shak.
That seems to sum up my state of mind lately... things have not been perfect.. far from it... they have been times extraordinarily aggravating or just plain difficult... and yet I have not had problems.
Things are so unusual in so many ways.. so many new things.
Regardless of how things go with Bryan... I shall learn a lot.. LOL
Mostly frustrated with my sisters... ah the joys of family *grinz*... Trina decided to run away from Connie's tonight... I hunted her down.. helpful that I still have contact with a few people over there.. have my own little insiders.. even funnier that the person I got the info from I haven't heard from since June. One of the few ppl I've known for MANY years... heh.. since fourth grade.
I'm having problems spelling tonight... the delete key is definitely my friend tonight.
*gives her delete key a little massage*
I am tired. I have not been sleeping well... which frustrates me in some ways cuz it is not a usual thing... I usually have no problem falling asleep... but if i can get to sleep it is restless and I do not wake up refreshed. It has been annoying... but *shrugz* what am I to do? I know the cause of it... and I just can't do much about it. What cracks me up so much is not even Don got this reaction from me until months into our relationship.. Bryan has gotten it in less than a month. Hail the king... heh.
I got the most fantastic flowers from him yesterday... it was just wonderful... was a great surprise when he came by my work... then we had an impromptu date at a tree lighting (which should be more aptly named a square lighting ceremony) in Summerville... it was just so... wonderful. That's the best way to put it... things are amazing.
Which still frightens me in some ways.. but yet doesn't... my mind is very odd... I don't have that usual knot in the pit of my stomach and my back.
Just don't know. Too afraid to read into things... just don't know.
Ugh I'm sleepy.... but I need to try and get ahold of Trina again... phone card was being used so I assume that Don was using it.
Speaking of him.. got a nasty, nasty letter from him. Apparently I am talented enough to have ruined him for any other woman or marriage.
Yep all my fault. He did nothing to bring it on. He was perfect in every way and I am an unreasonable bitch. I am soooo talented... I don't even try.
God knows things would really go bad if I actually did try to be a bitch. I do have that mean streak that runs in my family in some ways. Its that streak that made my Father make stickers that said 'If you fucked like you parked you'd never get it in' and then put them on misaligned parked vehicles. Often he would also sell them the solvent to get the sticker off... ROFL...
Issue laden ppl. Good thing God helps us all out or we'd all be in trouble.
Maybe its all the praying.. first time I've had that... just love it... take turns... its just... *sighz* very pleasing.. very comforting...
Relationships are such work. Being able to think can be a blessing and a curse... especially when sleepy. heh.
I took a pic of my lilies (one L or two?? Spell check just told me one.. lol) and played with it in photoshop.. I like what I came up with....
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/12814035/
heeeee heeeeeee...
I also put Miss Molly on there.. I need to work at my new commission... still so proud I got another.
What to do with this love for art? How can I involve it more? What to do what to do?
*cocks head*
eh. I'm just not worried about some stuff anymore.
*shrugz*
I love the fact my room smells like my flowers.
sooo giddy...
soooo loopy...
LOL
Least my eyes have stopped burning for the most part... have rubbed two spots raw next to my eyes from trying to placate them... I still don't know what's causing it... the soda I've been drinking? That tis a rarity... and according to my all mighty Father tis a possibility. eh... guess we'll see.
more I wanted to write... but too late.. and I hope to be exhausted enough to rest well.
We'll see....
LOL
current mood:  sleepy
current music: Pony ~ Ginuwine
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Wednesday, November 17th, 2004
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7:40 am - Is This Really Happening?
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I am scared.
I am... just... my heart is starting to pound...
Last night I was so tired I don't think I understood the full implications of some things Bryan said to me... now i'm remembering and I am going... just going.. is this really happening?
Something else I now realize is that I never really thought it would happen... because I did not plan for this eventuality... I didn't plan... I don't know how to react or act... and I feel a niggling in my mind about Amanda... that is what frightens me...
Trust.
To trust... if its not one thing its another.... it'll never be perfect... but I am nervous... I am getting something that I feel that I want very much... this is a rarity... so that is why I'm having so many issues with it... Oi!
I feel like I'm about to go on a roller coaster ride.
And I know I love those. But they scare me as I stand in line.
*smilez*
Part of my mind is thrilled and wants to just scream YES and the other part is getting paranoid... paranoid it won't work out that its doomed... and I ask why and it says because you want to be the only one... good ol' monogomy... and the little voice says if you weren't good enough for your own husband then why would you be good enough now?
But I know that voice. It has caused problems before. That is not rational. There is nothing that points to it in any way.
Trust.
Trust.
Trust.
Breathe.
current mood:  excited
current music: Sound of my sister showering
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Tuesday, November 16th, 2004
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8:09 pm - You'll Never Feel the Pleasure of My Bed Again
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I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo aggravated... just annoyed, aggravated, irked, bothered... et cetera et cetera.
I know I messed up on Sunday when I forgot it was Don's birthday... totally justified in feeling hurt over that... very justified. But I don't feel its justified enough to come to my workplace and aggravate me. No reason for that. Then when I try to make amends tonight.. which didn't work out coincidentally because I thought plans were tentative and he thought they were definite... I called him to finalize them and I never heard back... so I got off work early.. assuming he'd be still asleep because of the fact he works til 8 am a lot of days... I figured I'd got spend the money I probably shouldn't have and get my hair done. Lo and behold he walks out of the hair place and tells me 'what? you forget?' I told him no, I thought that plans were not finalized... and he said no I said I'd pick you up from work and then stomped off from me... Lovely. Freakin' lovely.
On top of that it took over two hours to do my hair.. which pissed my sister off royally... which bothers me in the fact that it never seems to matter what's happened with me... what happens with her takes precedence... she wanted to move her stuff out of her mom's house.. understandable.. problem is I don't remember her mentioning word one about it and the other fact is she's had over a month to do it.. but she's as bad as me in procrastinating.
Ugh. yesterday was so wonderful.
But the day started hard with me waking up emotionally drained... my talk with Bryan laid out some things in my head and it just seemed to drain me. I still feel tired. Especially after all of this.
I know I'll feel better tomorrow or later tonight when something goes how I want... but it just seems this is one of those days that I can't do anything right. It seems that most of the time I figure I do my best to not step on ppl's toes or get in their way... I got pretty far out of my way sometimes to do that... and then a day happens where it doesn't happen and I'm the terrible bitch. Yet I never get as angry with other people as they do me.
what's funny is Cressie said to me how she's surprised I'm not crying. She said she would be. My only thought to that was- and she says I'm the crybaby. so far in the time I've been here, she's cried more than I have. But I think she doesn't notice that- she notices I cry over odd things... and like I told her I cry over extreme emotions... not aggravation... even extreme happiness makes me blubber.. lol
*le sigh*
One big thing to me is that I have blue back in my hair... I have missed that a lot... it looks fantabulous... the color came out even better this time... sooo nice... i cut it a bit shorter too which I like a lot... tis a bit lighter... I like it a lot... think I'll keep it around this length... seems to work well... its just not 'ridiculously' long like Cressie used to call it.. now its only mid back... LOL doesn't cover my breasts anymore.. well.. not like it did in the first place... takes a lot of hair to cover the twins.
*grinz*
Another aggravating thing is how some people keep telling me how hurt I actually am over Don having a fuck buddy/girlfriend... the thing is is that I am very much over him. I was over him when I left. There was a chance at one point in time and now I feel there is none. I am not dealing with this man. I feel like he is hiding stuff again from me. I am disugsted. I am sick of it. I do not like how he handles money... I do not like how he handles his 'relationship' with me... I am very, very sick of it. I wish him the very best in his life and wish him no ill will... and Henry keeps calling me his wife and that gets me seeing red.. I am no longer his wife.. he will never enjoy that again... he will never enjoy me again in any circumstance like that. He no longer has a place in my heart there.
Its slowly being occupied by someone else.
I have decided after the holidays to tell him this. To let him know how I truly feel. But I want him to enjoy his holidays down here... because I feel he will bolt from here when he finds out. I give him accolades for chasing me down here... but his present actions do not pull me any closer to him. There has been no real wooing.... well, to put it simply there hasn't been any real wooing from any of the guys I got serious with... but that's not the part that bothers me... I'm not going to fall back into his arms just cuz he's down here. Nope.
Henry goes on about how I have him wrapped around my finger... I feel that is not true... cuz he doesn't listen to me... he has the IDEA of him and I wrapped around him.. the IDEA of what we could do... or I mainly feel what I could do... I do not want to have children with a man where I end up doing most everything and I deal with the stresses on my OWN and when things become too hard for HIM he turns to those things that hurt me most to relieve himself. Fuck that. I'm not doing it again. I will be alone for the rest of my life before I do that.
At least I know by myself I'll have a good time.
But can't help but hope that I'd have a better time with someone else beside me.
*shrugz*
Someday i will get off this continent... either I will live somewhere else or at least visit... someday.
:3
I just want to go to bed. I am emotionally drained.
On top of all this I also am worried about my little sister Katrina. She sends odd emails... but we may have figured out the problem.
I just had an interesting thought... opposition in all things... last night Bryan and I prayed together... I loved it... it was awesome for me... it was so nice for me to share something like that with someone I feel a connection with... but to me that proves how right it was because of how badly this day has gone. Make sense? Opposition in all things... to have something that good... then things will happen that will deter me from having it happen again.
It was interesting to feel someone else pray for me... I know my Mom does. But to actually hear it like that. Twas nice.
God I love music. Can sooo soothe me. Can fill me and mend those things that need mending.
But I am tired... and it is so early... I may turn in anyway... maybe I'll wake up at 3 or something like that and clean.. I want to because part of the mess is from me helping my nephew on a project for school. That was fun and kewt.
*sighz* I was also supposedly going to see a movie with BZ tonight... he wanted me to blow off Don... I think there would've been a certain satisfaction in that for him if I had. But he is not something I really want either. Ah well.
In all honestly the day was not that bad... i just let things get to me... so much I worry about for other people that most don't see cuz I don't talk about it everyday... its just that its always there... and I always feel... often I wonder if Cressie thinks I have easier because I don't express nearly the stuff she does.
Oh well. All is right in the world. I have blue hair. *smilez*
*ponders that nice thought*
mmmmm.... bed... too bad in some ways its empty.
;3
current mood:  drained
current music: Doll Parts ~ Hole
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Sunday, November 14th, 2004
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6:49 pm - Do you really think there is only one perfect mate?
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I love movies... sometimes there are parts that sum up so many things... watched Everafter and I've always loved this part... great movie...
Prince Henry: Do you really think there is only one perfect mate?
Leonardo Da Vinci: As a matter of fact I do.
Henry: Well then how can you be certain to find them? And if you do find them are they really the one for you or do you only think they are? And what happens if the person you're supposed to be with never appears o-or she does but, but you're too distracted to notice?
Leonardo: You learn to pay attention.
Henry: Then lets say, God, puts two people on earth and they are lucky enough to find one another. But, one of them, gets hit by lightning. Well then what? Is that it? Or perchance you meet someone new and marry all over again- is that the lady you're supposed to be with or was it the first? And if so if the two of them are walking side by side are they both the one for you and you just happen to meet the first one first or is the second one supposed to be first? (sighs) And is everything just chance or are some things meant to be?
Leonardo: You cannot leave everything to fate boy! She's got a lot to do. Sometimes you must give her a hand.
heh... painting is almost done... just a little sick of it.. now to watch Dude Where's My Car? LOL maybe I'll find more profound stuff there.. *gigglez*
current mood:  accomplished
current music: Drone of my fans
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7:33 am - Something's Gotta Go Wrong cuz I'm Feeling Too Damn Good
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I feel very interesting... I feel... well quite honestly I don't know how I feel... I feel bouncy and quite happy... yet I feel like there is something in the back of my mind trying to take it away from me... I keep slapping it away though... I like feeling like this... I will not let that ol' feeling try to take me over again.. I think I know what it is... its the same feeling that has happened every time I've decided to trust someone in what they say about me... its that part of me that is weepy and depressive and says that nothing can be as it seems... ha ha I defy you... I defy you.. I will believe what I want to believe... no more of this negativity. Got enough in my life... *smilez*
My thoughts just wander a lot... not anything real cohesive... what's funny is my major emotional responses I've been able to take care of... they are not controlling me.. I'm able to make decisions about them...
what is that? ROFL
Big example... and something that has been prevelant upon my mind... I found out recently that Bryan had slept with his roommate/ex girlie/friend right after me last week... it was like a slap in the face emotionally... I had felt he had ommitted something important... something I should have known... and that I was so bad for him sexually that he had to go somewhere else to solve it... it hurt... i talked with my sister about it and talked about how big of a red flag it was... then as I was walking to work (I think god for this time to myself... it helps so many days) I realized something very major... if I had slept with David or BZ or Larry (like they have been offering, so to speak) would I have told him? answer was no.... so why in the hell would I expect it from him? not right... so that emotion I dropped as soon as I figured that out... when I pointed it out to my sister she wasn't pleased because she said I was right and dropped it too... found it funny in the end... but the other thing.. the whole inadequacy on my part... I just have to believe him that it was an indulgent emotional response... that he just didn't want to let go of what he was feeling left over from me... that and I swang with my husband so he figured it wouldn't be a big deal... this bothers me on a couple of aspects... fucking with Amanda I imagine also fucks with her emotions... he says she was sexually abused and so a lot of the things she does is typical of an abused woman... *shakez head* Stupid fucked up world... eenywho... the other aspect that bothers me is I feel like the swinging thing is biting me in the ass again... *sighs* rargh... I understand being perpetually horny... he and I are too much alike... but anymore I'm sick of sex without emotion... I figure that he also enjoys being able to get the women he does because of the low self esteem... so I figure if he hasn't slept with Erica yet he will when the chance arises and then he'll have 3 women to play with... not a game I feel like playing in... I'll probably end up stop doing anything sexually with him until something committed comes out between he and I because i am tired of sex for the sake of sex... lol... the hardest part will be holding myself to that... *chucklez* I dunno.. maybe in the end it won't bother me.. but right now it does and I can't ignore that or I'll be denying parts of me and when I do that then I just mess myself up... its hard to balance what I think he wants in comparison to what I want... what to change and what to not... *shrugz* but I'm doing it for once.. in some aspects my relationship with him is the a replay of others... but in a lot of other aspects its not... so we'll see.... for whatever reason I'm fine seeing how things go... taking time.. which is SO NOT USUAL..... *smilez*
*gigglez*
I hurt for my sister lately.. she feels she can't have what she wants... if she knows what she wants!!! this story is starting to become old on many levels... I honestly think she'd be settling for either guy.. that neither one quite fits correctly... but I can't give her the security that everything will be okay if she lets them go..... I do wish i could pass it along... cuz I've accepted a long time ago that God takes care of his kids... and that what happens happens for some reason... usually unbeknownest to us. so if i die tomorrow... so be it... whatever work I was to have done is done... in some aspects that'd be nice... but I know that things are not done for me.. so unless someone decides to kill me tomorrow.. I'm not going anywhere. *le sigh* I just hope she sees beyond her hurt right now.. but its hard to... and I understand it so I don't try to push her anywhere.. other ppl in her life do that enough for her... for as much as she talks of what a hard ass she is... in the end she's just as indulgent as me on some aspects when it comes to certain ppl.
*shrugz*
*bobs head to music*
I actually played my flute a bit last week... its been soooo long... I forgot just how much I enjoy the sound of it... thinking about lately trying to figure out some songs on one of my cds... its been so long since I've tried to do anything...
but shouldn't really be allowed to til I get this damn painting done. *rollz eyes* I really wish I could get past myself and finish it... all I keep thinking is what if what if what if he doesn't like it... blah blah blah blah blah shut up and finish it!!!!! lol
but oddly enough I don't feel like i'm done with typing yet... when I was at the laundromat last night i tried to sit an dwrite and I just couldn't... typing is becoming easier sadly enough... but I know there are times when scrawling my emotions seems to work better... someday I'll have to print these out to put in there...
Don is barely in my life anymore... and in some ways I'm thankful and in others it hurts me... makes me wonder where things went... but honestly when I say that I can answer myself... things that I thought were parts of him turned out to actually be parts of me that I always did for him... funny funny. Of course what i get on some things are second hand information but other things that I know he's said to me first hand... I wish I could warn him on some things... but he still won't listen to me... he won't believe me.. its like the whole matter between him and Henry and his big mouth... would he listen??? no... he kept digging himself a bigger hole and it was Cressie and i that had to save his ass.. *rollz eyes* Why he won't listen i don't know... but looking back I see how many times and how much work it took for him to listen to me... like things as simple as buying furniture... when ya can't afford what bills you have you shouldn't get a $5000 desk set just cuz its a good deal cuz its usually $7000... or something like that... took awhile but I finally talked him down to a $250 desk that didn't really fit our apartment and the only reason we could get it was the job I had at the time... but it took so much convincing of him!!!! I did not like that... I need someone at least nearly as smart or as much common sense as me... Oi vey. We're still paying on a couch that I really shouldn't have stood up more to... *sighz* icky icky... well.. he's paying on in *smirks*... cuz now I refuse to... a semi bitchy thing to do I figure on some levels but I am not dealing with more thing that I don't get to enjoy... I'm already attempting to pay off a credit card we ran up... supposedly an 'emergency' card... ugh why did I let him talk me into so many things? so many times I went against my better judgement. oh well. let it go Amber Marie... no one is perfect least of all you... apparently Don is starting a relationship with a woman who will suck him dry monetarily and then leave him... I'm worried because i still do care for him on the basic levels (he's another person, brother, etc) but I feel even if I say anything or try to point out anything that he won' t listen anyway and i"m sick of of wasting my breath... same thing with this new little internet business thing he's trying to do... I just pray for him... but he is like many ppl so he'll be fine in the end and I can't solve problems for him anymore. I'm just not going to do it.
urgh.. should probably call Pete today. I'm sure he's going funky. Though I can't blame him. he's supposedly going to be visiting me in the beginning of December and he hasn't heard from me in a couple of weeks.
Ech. so much calling to do.
*humz*
Love is so funny.
When we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness - and call it love - true love
--Robert Fulghum
lol.. I love that quote... yay mutually satisfying weirdness!!!!
The greatest thing... you'll ever learn... is just to love... and be loved... in return.
I really should see who did that song first...
Maybe its just the feelings I have for Bryan overriding everything else in my head. lol
odd to know what level of love you are at... but even odder to know what level it could conceivably get to... that's the scary part. or is it? eh...
don't know.
*eyes painting*
enough writing for now.
current mood:  bouncy
current music: Franz Ferdinand ~ Come On Home
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Thursday, November 11th, 2004
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6:42 am - I feel icky spooky ooky
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I'm just frustrated by this culmination of soooooo many emotions... where do I start? where does it end? do I make it end? I just don't know... margh.
My stomach won't stop gurgling.
I wanna write and yet I don't.
cuz I'm not sure what to write.
what to write what to write...
jumbly jumbly.
*sighz*
I just feel like crying. All this energy and its just not going into anything productive.
Lets put on a happy face... margh.
current mood:  confused
current music: Sister and her son talking
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Saturday, November 6th, 2004
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6:45 pm - I Will Never Believe This Earth Was Made by Accident
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*smilez*
Done some research on a new flower... for the hell of it (and a little reminder to myself)a list of my favorite plants... ones that I will someday have in my own house... *sighz*
no particular order...
Angel's Trumpet (like brugmansia mainly, but datura is beautiful too)
Morning Glories (can't wait to have these crawling all over my house and such... lol)
Orchids
Lilies (particularly Stargazer (I think) and Lilliums.. those kinds)
Wysteria (yay purple!)
Hibiscus (I just adore these)
*grinz and sighz*
It shall be wunderbar.
current mood:  hopeful
current music: Not Sure on Song Title ~ Golana
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6:10 pm - I'm Sorry, We Seem To Be Out of Stock of Perfect People
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My mother sent me this in an email:
People come into your life for a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime. When you know which one it is for a person, you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you
have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with
guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
They may seem like a Godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason
you need them to be.
Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this
person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and
force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled,
their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered, and now it is
time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to
share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you
laugh. They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real!
But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build
upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept
the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind
but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being a part of my life!
*sighs*
Something I definitely needed. I love her so dearly... and wish things could be so different in many ways...
my mind lately keeps wandering on my life... how it is going.... WHERE it is going... it could be PMS... or I'm just uber reflective lately... lol
but I think I know why I do reflect so much lately... as much as I hate to admit I've put Bryan on the options page of my life.. he fits in so many ways... we think a lot a like and I love many things he can do... I wish in many ways to be in his arms right now... but I know it is better that I step back now... take a look at things and see where they go... because he holds out for someone else... and I am not that someone... it only hurts a bit.. but it could become a big hurt if I let it... he tells me I'm 23 and i've got time... but I've felt behind for years...
why would God give this want... this burning for a family... this ability to love so completely and then not give me a way to fill it??? I can't believe that is so... I just can't... I pray that it is not... but I read past things and I can't find where I was right.. I've come so far away from where I was... soo close to him that I knew where I was going in many ways.. but was I blind or was that truth? I have no idea anymore.
I tried in many ways to do it my parent's way... I went to the dances.. I did the social activities... but I am different from everyone else.. I am not the same.. and I never will be... I have this dark side that has to be dealt with... in so many forms... and the people I hung out with them could not handle it.. maybe I brought it out at the wrong times... maybe I misguaged things.. but a lot of people don't know how to react to me... I am a walking oxymoron in so many ways.
So here I sit... and sit... and sit... and I want to actually write but it takes too long and my mind is a jumble and I want to clear it...
yet do I turn to him?
problem is can i really find the clarity he would give me? or am I too clouded?
I am resigned to see what happens... there is not much I can do. but I will no longer settle for someone... I want someone who will give me everything as much I will give them... I want to be their everything and they be mind on many levels.
But do I ask too much? I just don't know.
*wipes tears*
oh well.. I will continue to seek my joy... I just pray to have the strength to deal with the things around me and myself... if I am to be alone in many ways... then I guess that shall be it... people tell me that is not to be... but there are no guarantees in life... just hopes and dreams and reality... in all its maniacal and jubilant forms.
I am still here... despite many things.... now my biggest problem in my life is MYSELF. but that's okay... cuz now i love that problem... I love me... and I would be with me forever.
that makes all the difference now. because once it was even I didn't want to be with myself.
I know Me, Myself and I will have a good time. But I burn and ache to have someone else there.
I guess I do. God will always be there.
But ya know what I mean... I seek what everyone in the end seeks.. acceptance.
I wish I could make the world see the beauty of itself... in all shapes, sizes, colors.. oh the wonder of it if only people would look and see... just look and SEE...
Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving.
I don't think I'm starving... I'm just hungrier than most.
LOL
Always feel better when I write... or type as the case may be...
current mood:  quixotic
current music: Soft Winds ~ Golana
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Saturday, October 23rd, 2004
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11:00 pm - *laughs*
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I'm inspired by Bobbi's entry when she was drunk... I'm not really drunk anymore... just *holds up finger and thumb* slightly... LOL
the thing is that I don't really feel too different except for the fact if I turn my head real quick it just makes the world spin... but other than that... I act about the same because I'm freakin' weird as it is... except maybe more giggly... heh... but not too sure...
things going through my head though.. sometimes I wish I could block them out.. like Brian's voice... that is one sexy fucking voice... I would love to hear him moan with it and say my name... but tis not something to push for the fact that is not... what's the word... hrm.. its not... pertinent? ah... it is not right for me to push it... in any way.. shape or form... lol
BZ cracks meeeeee up... west virginia boi listening to Dre...
oh the play was good.. I'm runnin' off that as much as the drinks... first time doing shots... thought I'd choke more... but twas not a big deal in any way shape or form... thought I'd be doing worse after like 6 (?) drinks too... just keep that cinnamon stuff away from me... freakin' cough syrup... lol
WHAT???? (in honor of Cressie)....
there... that's my.. whatever... lol.. whatever is running through my head... no witty phrases like Bobbi though... just a lot of giggling and whipping my head around... ROFL
mmmmmm................
current mood:  energetic
current music: More Human than Human~ White Zombie
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Thursday, October 21st, 2004
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4:53 pm - Don't Nobody Know My Troubles But God
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Oddly enough... I had forgotten this little thing 'til recently... heh... figures.
Part of me just wants to type til my fingers give out... the other part is coaxing me to get off my ass and go finish that painting commission I have sitting in my room.
October is almost over Freakchild... mwhahaha
Life isn't much different.. except now I have a job.. had 2 but got rid of one.. not a great place to be.. but miss having extra money. Don is now down here.. been here like a month now? something like that... he's irritated me more than endured himself to me... if this is his version of winning me back... he needs to upgrade badly... >:P Not that I'm expecting it to turn out... I've almost completely decided we'd both be better if we moved on... bettah bettah...
Any emotional distress I have I need to get out before my sister gets home... I love her but I feel I can't have negative emotions in many cases... and this is one negative one... I can feel what the problem and in many ways I could easily solve it but it wouldn't be the right solution and it would just end up fucking things up more...
problem is I crave a companion again... weird when one realizes your bed wasn't empty for almost 5 years how accustomed you become... but I don't want just a sex companion... those are easy to find and often less fulfilling... but what I want is more complex because of the emotion involved... but ah well.. time will tell... as always.... not desperate... come to accept that I may end up alone... but many have told me that's just ridiculous cuz there is no way for me to ever be alone...
to say the least... was pretty much propositioned for sex for money today.. I give the sex and he gives the money... *grinz* like he could afford me... heh...
where does this confidence come from sometimes?
As usual I am at war with myself... there's that half amongst the flowers that is willing to embrace someone and give myself over again to the luscious feelings that accompany it... then there is the tattered wings part that knows what the consequence is if I don't be careful... maybe not careful is the word.. hrm... I'm not sure on the word I want... just that I shouldn't jump so quickly anymore...
All I know is something needs to snap me out of this reverie. Ugh.
Ah well.
Electric Blue Eyes
Where did you come from?
Electric Blue Eyes
Who sent you?
Electric Blue Eyes
Always be near me
Electric Blue Eyes
I need you
What has put me in this melancholy mood? the nearest thing I can figure is lack of being able to do that recharges my light... this life takes a toll in so many forms... especially when you let it... and I have lately... but its hard when all I crave is to go to the ocean that is so near and just sit and breathe the air and feel its power in many ways...
Or it could be just sexual frustration. ROFL Last two guys have been nothing.... sad.. just sad... need something more than a minute man pleeease... lol
but I don't really know... could be that I now have SAD because I no longer have snow and dark... I have this strange sun and humidity.. though today was chillier...
I just have no real answer for what is affecting me... and problem is if people find out they will want one and I have none to give.
Why is it that I have heard heartfelt things from Haig and I have just kind of left them there? but what can I to do? kinda far away and life plans don't exactly coincide right now... and Pete is starting to grate me nerves in a few ways... he now just amuses me... and then there's this other guy Bryan who I like and am feeling a connection with but he's got some interesting issues that parellel my own... one of those being he sort of kinda has a girlfriend... but not like i'm looking to take that spot... not like i'm looking to take that spot anywhere... *cocks head* so what bothers me? am I in denial of it? Is that what I really want? my own mind is too much of a maze sometimes... twists and turns and distracting colors.
But I wouldn't have it any other way. I love me... in every perfectly imperfect glory...
its nice to just let my mind wander and type for awhile... haven't done this in a looooooooooooong time...
or did I ever?
can't remember. too many jumbles.
God I love music.
Where is God in all of this? I put him on a shelf... pretty much... he's like my little friend that I dust off when things get to tough and I can use him.. sad but true... used to be so much closer... used to be able to feel the love like I did when times were much worse than now... I don't want to live that hell again to get next to him. icky icky...
why is that little faucet of obsession turned off? it barely drips... nothing in terms of art has engaged me lately.... too much frustration?
Than I should finish the tattered one... she would help me probably...
If you could see the pictures in my head you'd understand. You'd understand all of this in some fashion... except for the parts that not even I understand... or perhaps I do and I just don't want to admit it.... who knows.
even now I read and wonder why I'll post this... the writing is mainly for me.
ah well.
Not like much of anyone reads it anyway... *grinz*
current mood: drained
current music: Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad?~ Moby
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Monday, March 22nd, 2004
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12:43 am - Mwahahahahaha
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I feel.... odd.
Almost constantly. LOL
Not like its bad.. just odd. Part of me is turned off.. I can't feel it. I'm not sure how to right now. but yet... I still feel.. but not like I was... its very... odd.
My emotions run high sometimes... and are almost nonexsistent at others. Very odd rollercoaster.
I need to find my place down here.. but everything will take time. Or will it? Most everything is up to me.
I don't want anyone else solving it. Its mine.
Just feel... odd.
current mood:  indifferent
current music: Drone of a fan
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Wednesday, March 17th, 2004
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12:23 am - Haven't forgotten you completely...
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LOL
Read my last journal entry and my life has not slowed down a JOT..
ROFL
but.. here goes...
kinda sorta forgot to mention that not only did I get engaged.. but I also got married.. back in October. Whoops.
as for going to MN.. was great... was there about 8 days... had fun with a friend... kinda had some crazy emotions.. but all in all was good... even got in an accident with a cement wall... :D Who knew brone bruises hurt so bad?
Lets seee.. after that.. I thought things were settling down.. Don and I have been having financial probs for forever it seems.. then I found out a doozie in my book... Don has been smoking pot behind my back... that little fact tore me apart because its one of three things...
*insert music*
*announcer voice like in old instructional videos*
There's only 3 things that Amber doesn't like...
1) Abuse (physical, emotional, etc)
2) Drugs
3) Cheating
Other than that... she can put up with a lot bois and girls...
*sighs*
sooo... we fought.. I cried.. he suddenly left me alone for 4 days... I emotionally shut down and quit my job... and then I left and moved to South Caronlina to my sister.
He and I talk now... I'm still deciding whether or not I want to be with this man for the rest of my life.. feeling like I jumped in too fast... I feel like i want to see if there is better out there...
I also just happened to visit another guy on the way down to SC... he was in NJ... now he was fun.. LOL nice diversion... got to go to New York for the first time.. just Manhattan I believe.. heh.
*sighs*
so here I sit carless.. jobless... but feeling better than I was in AK. LOL
Men.
*sighz*
he's supposed to come down in June... we'll see what happens.
I'm torn.. half of me wants to work it out.. and the other half wants to work it out with some other guy.. LOL
again.. I ask myself.. how did I get here?
ah well...
I am loving myself more... found out the other night that I was living on self loathing so to speak emotionally.. cutting that out has presented me with a new whole new view of myself and the world around me... emotionally at least.
Part of me knows that I should have come down here back when I broke up with Robert... which would behoove that I may not have been meant to be with Don... but I'm starting to wonder if there is a predetermined person to be with.. you just trade one set of problems for another...
guess time will tell.. like it does in all things...
*note to self*
I really need to improve my vocabulary again.... lol
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Diamond Dogs~ Beck (Moulin Rouge Sdtrk)
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Wednesday, January 21st, 2004
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1:14 am - It's Aliiiive... It's aliiiiive...
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*murgles*
I had forgotten about this little thing until Luci mentioned to me... I had forgotten my username.. hahahaha
So many things have happened.. I can't keep up with it.. I barely believe most of it myself.. so many situations where I go- What led me here?????
I've been wondering that a lot lately... how did I get here from over there...
Like how did get from going to school for 5years to quitting in the middle of last semester? There's a long drawn out one...
And how did I get engaged and about 4 months later get involved with another guy? heh... and yet its okay with BOTH.. lmao... this one has knocked me for a loop...
how did I end up moving AGAIN?
how did I end up with little money AGAIN?
Hopefully my trip down to MN will help me out a lot... we'll seeeeeee... on one end it could be sooo good and on another, it could royally fuck everything up.
Hrm.. heh.
too much to type.. too much to write too.. I started my written journal again.. somehow I lost my old one *cries*
And how in the hell did i become addicted to a game called Star Wars Galaxies?? lol
I would be writing pages if I explained where it all came from and how I ended up on it.. least you know where I am...
Hope I've stopped being so much of a drama queen...
*murgles*
*rolls on the floor laughing*
Least I feel good. Sometimes that's all I've got.
current mood: contemplative
current music: Nine Inch Nails- Wanna Fuck you Like an Animal (er?)
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Sunday, June 29th, 2003
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11:03 am - Is it really freaking almost JOOOOLY?
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well, I've been hired recently has garden center clerk at Fred Meyer's... I've been saying the joy of a lot today... too bad it ends for being outside soon... hopefully I will be put inside then or they shall have the wrath of the Goddess upon them!!!!!!!
I really should be eating something before I go to work.. I also need to stop staying up til 2 or 3 am... Don is reeeal helpful with that though..
There is so much to write.. and sooo many to write to.... mwag.
and damn.. my spelling has gone so downhill... this is sad... *hangs head*
*sniggers and runs away*
*bounce bounce*
current mood:  awake
current music: refridgerater droning
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Sunday, April 27th, 2003
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1:59 am - Rock and Roll This Freak
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mmmmmm... its sooo beautiful outside... I've done really well at gettting things done today too...
murgh... just not in the mood to draw...
and suddenly not in the mood to write... mwag
current mood:  amused
current music: Theme song to Scooby Doo Where Are You?
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Saturday, April 26th, 2003
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5:23 am - Long time, no see.... pardner
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well well... life has been crazy as usual... but I am back to myself... no more whiny crabby depressive baybuh...
I moved again... Robert became a major ass (you moved my shoes!!!) and now Don and I live in a nice little (but comfortable) one bedroom behind providence... I'm sooooo much happier... its much nicer too... only 2 minutes from UAA Arts Building.. heee heee
Other than that I've had 18 credits this semester.. blargh... two of them Art HIstory classes.. *screams* not too bad though.. could be worse.. heh
I've gotten in a lot of art shows this semester... 4 of them? I have been chosen Juror's Choice and First Place Drawing at the Mat-Su Student Juried Show.. woo hooo!!! and I'm in the UAA Student Juried Show... and I was in the Fur Rondy Show... and The Mat-Su
Eggs-ibition... and I'm having two drawings published in a student produced journal called Understory.. not bad... helps when I get off my ass and do stuff.. *snickers*
Don and I are incredible together.... he's just so... so ... awesome... *sighs* *fluttery*
Hopefully I'll be having two or three shows this summer... collaborations between me, claire, luci, and anna hopefully.. we'll see how it goes.. ;)
Other than that.... I leave tuesday for 12 days for Nebraska... going to Don's great grandma's 90th birthday party.. I shall be overwhelmed with his family... so shall he...he doesn't know most of them either.. *grins*
mwag.. I need to get on here more often... just not as much to vent about as there was before.. hee hee
current mood: cheerful
current music: Music of the game "Dark Cloud"
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Friday, January 24th, 2003
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11:06 am - I'm a nut... I'm a nut... I'm craaazy
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Tings are still going very well in school... LOVE my printmaking class... need to go work though on stuff... Art History is tedious to me... just because its lecture.. at least one of them I have one of my favorite teachers who's from England... so he sounds kewl to listen to for awhile.
i've gone book crazy. Decided that I can't have anymore until I make some projects... Last 4 books I bought: Aubrey Beardsley, Beadweaving, Handmade Baskets, and Ikat designs of India. Heeeeeeee...
So, instead of books, i've decided to start collecting something again... I decided NO on the My Little Pony kick I used to be on... where the hell would i put them all? now I just look at the pics and reminisce... *sighs* *grins* But, i did remember something else i loved more... these little plastic birds that had loooong tails... I research and come to find out that these were called "Fairy Tails" and are much Harder to find than My Little Ponys. and they clip anywhere! hee hee.. so now I'm going to decorate my bathroom in birds.. *grins* After we move...
Don and I have determined that Robert really doesn't want us here... we're just a means to keep the rent low... while this is not what i expected and has caused some fights between us, we've decided to pretty much ignore him. Which is what he was looking for apparently. We plan on moving as soon as it becomes financially viable. Murgh
HEEEEE ... pretty birds.... *gigglez*
current mood: excited
current music: Sarah Brightman- Eden
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anxious