Friday, August 30th, 2002
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6:11 am
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can u hear my heart breaking?
cause it sounds like explosions to me
it feels erupted and not settled and
i dont think it ever will be
not without you
you know im not so strong
im not as strong as you think
and you think im dealing with this well
cause im not crying or upset
im so upset baby me too me too
i dont want you to go
but what can i do?
i exist thru you but
its not like that for you
and i cant hold u to this life
we always thought we were stuck in this house
it was our silent joke a tiredless one
a timeless one
i made it again tonight and almost cried
god its burning everywhere and no drugs will
ever fix this
see ive tried im trying how
how can i wake up to this room and not see you here
i never sleep till you get home even if its only an hour
no one knows me but you know me most
im only alive thru you cant you see that?
fuck this pain and this impossible hope that you might ..
this might not be really happening
i remember the last time you left and i helped you pack
cause i knew youd be back
you said i cant take this house anymore you said you had to go
and you were sorry
i said its ok what did i know i was twelve?
i held you at the door and smiled and watched the taxi take you away
and then i fell and cried
and then our babysitter woke up to me
and i died some more
and wished youd come back and you did
i knew youd come back
god i wish it were like that
but i know its not
ill be fine ill be ok i just need i need to sleep without crying
and you roll over and dont even notice?
im a sloppy mess
but i love you
current mood: all the girls move away
current music: inflatable-bush
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(comment on this)
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Thursday, August 29th, 2002
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4:08 am
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4:04 am
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3:45 am - cocaine conscience oversight
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Wednesday, August 28th, 2002
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1:12 am - has become my ode
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Never Is A Promise
You'll never see the courage I know
Its colors' richness won't appear within your view
I'll never glow - the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgments made on you
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you
You'll say you understand, but You don't understand
You'll say you'd never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie
You'll never touch - these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You'll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown - to you
You'll say, Don't fear your dreams, it's easier than it seems
You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie
You'll never live the life that I live
I'll never live the life that wakes me in the night
You'll never hear the message I give
You'll say it looks as though I might give up this fight
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention - to you
You'll say you understand, you'll never understand
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I don't know what to believe in, you don't know who I am
You'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie
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(comment on this)
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12:56 am
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i am sad
I am sad
and you cant hear me
when i say
I am sad
but i wish you could
ive written a million letters.. all not right.. im so picky.. youd laugh if you saw the others all fucked up like me.. and they say the same thing really.. but not right in the least.. its not yr fault its not yr fault..
so chris is saying the same things to amber too
how so my life this all is always
why do i even bother thinking someone could would love me?
not that i was considering anything in particular
but i wanted to believe the feelings and emotions that have swollen and stretched every which way came from someone genuine.. real..
*she is leaving in FOUR days
and i said i wouldnt count down
and my time with you has gone and
i wish i wish i was the first to
to make u smile like that
i
am
sad
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(comment on this)
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Monday, August 26th, 2002
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9:27 pm
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The girl she was is somewhere still inside her
and now she has a twin skeleton of her own
and it makes her feel safe like she has grand-
daughters to call her own.. but its just a bone
just a scar just a shadow of who we are
and i think shed rather be alone
chopped to pieces and re-arranged to form a giant song
current mood: the amount of letters
current music: ive written you would make poe blush
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(comment on this)
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4:56 am
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chilled with wendy neil and my sister
got neil into the distillers
liking getting IMed by cashelle
she'll be bored of me soon im sure
but she really is amazing
thats all ill give about her now tho
the rest is mine
oh saw alex today and he gave his email
address to me and i was going to email
it to meg only it washed off where i wrote it
im going to guess at what it was
am i horrible for detail or did he not wear a
beard before?
sucks how it sucks and im sad and yr not here
and even if you were you wouldnt want to be
so it sucks some more
current music: as beautiful as ugly can be
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Sunday, August 25th, 2002
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3:39 am
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I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
hey gorgeous
embryonic hope says:
hey
embryonic hope says:
sorry that took a while
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
i got disconnected
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
sorry
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
how are you love
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
i can't wait to see you bri!!!!
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
ive started dating a guy recently..(edited out)
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
but...i won't be seeing him again for a few months
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
and he says i can date women
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
so..i told him all about you
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
i am interested in you
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
could you ever love me
embryonic hope says:
arent you going with him? how are you not seeing him for a few months?
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
he's in europe on business
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
he travels constantly
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
he understands that i need to stay in one place
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
im working on my book
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
im working hard
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
i trust him
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
and he trusts me
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
ive wanted you bri
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
for a long while
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
i still love you
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
ill always love you
embryonic hope says:
if he's in europe-but he'll be staying with u in montreal?
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
yes
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
but..
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
i will be able to see you
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
to be with you
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
i want to see you
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
i LOVE you
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
you would so never ever be SECOND
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
bri
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
i love you
embryonic hope says:
hold ona second srry
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
what can i do to make you understand that
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
im sorry...did i upset you
embryonic hope says:
sorry about that
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
it's fine
embryonic hope says:
i was reading this really long email i got and had to respond to rigt away and it took a while to get the words out
embryonic hope says:
actually alot of it was about-and this may sound dumb- but she wanted to know WHY I liked eminem and i wanted to give a FULL explaination
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
i like eminem
embryonic hope says:
at that I had to talk about humor and sarcasm, about image and projection and about talent
embryonic hope says:
my stomach is killing me
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
im sorry love
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
are you interested in me at all
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
in the slightest
embryonic hope says:
i feel like you look for disappointments not to be mean but we just started talking again so it confuses me why youd ask so soon when you dont really know where my head is at-and Im not being mean I guess I just dont understand yr interest if yr careless prior to our reconciliation
embryonic hope says:
of keeping in touch
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
i dont' see it as soon
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
i don't see this as reconciliation
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
you never wronged me
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
i was hurt from everyone else
embryonic hope says:
we havent spoken in so long (by that I mean kept in contact)
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
ive KNOWN you for awhile
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
my feelings have not changed
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
from the moment i met you i wanted you
embryonic hope says:
i guess im confused by yr feelings because youve told others you love them while claiming to love me or someone else
embryonic hope says:
and Im not saying this cause i want to be the one or to be spiteful im just in a position where im very paranoid and protective
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
you mean ash
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
ash and i are friend
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
s
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
ive never lied to you
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
ive always told you how i feel for you
embryonic hope says:
i dont feel i need to name names to have a point taken
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
and i MEAN what i say
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
sabrina...i WANT you
embryonic hope says:
youve also at one time told me you wished youd never met me
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
when ive been hurt..
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
its horrible
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
im sorry
embryonic hope says:
of course we were inlove with the same beautiful girl but i dont take people at their words cause they change frequently
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
i don't change
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
im still here
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
a few years later
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
and i still love you
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
and im not the one who left HER
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
and i will not be the one who leaves you
embryonic hope says:
if i died tomorrow and didnt talk to you for a week you wouldnt notice youd still date and carry on the image youve gotten of me which i dont understand ,people say i love you to me and i dont know what theyre loving and im not searching for compliments Im genuinely confused by life and people and ME
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
NOOOOOOOOOO
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
if you died tomorrow..GOD..my heart would BREAK
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
and a part of me would die
embryonic hope says:
but you wouldnt even know
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
i would
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
i would find out
embryonic hope says:
and Im not asking for-Im not saying Im going to
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
baby..please..im gonna cry..don't talk this way
embryonic hope says:
I think yr missing my point or maybe Im just too sick to explain
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
i love you
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
don't you understand that
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
i want you
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
i know you..despite our differences i do
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
i want to make you happy
embryonic hope says:
Im going to save our convo but i need to go now my whole stomach is in pain and I dont have good enough drugs to take and be functional
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
i want to keep you safe
embryonic hope says:
im sorry but we'll talk tomorrow if youd like
embryonic hope says:
im sorry
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
ok...baby..i DO love you
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
i do want to talk tomorrow
I WouLD DIe FoR YoU says:
what time
embryonic hope says:
I should be on late maybe same time tomorrow
embryonic hope says:
take care
current mood: nmicheal hutchence rip -bono
current music: the tea party
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Friday, August 23rd, 2002
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2:47 pm - again more of me
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What is a memory?Mind control, demon laxitives, yr memory is apart of you.When you think about sex can you remmber..
the bedsheets? can you count its folds, its wrinkles, did you catch the stain? The lighting,was it too bright? Did the darkness suddenly creep in or am I thinking it has because Im shivering. Im cold. Was I up to get my robe, maybe a sweater.. but you walked in. or did you creep? Its a memory.. my memory. I still have control,my power to change my memory. To play with it.. watch me make the sky green. you wore clown shoes, you crawled on all fours into the room.. I didnt hear you.. you crawled like a baby. And like a baby you had this face.. a hunger.. didnt I give you yr bottle little one?
my memory.. yr wearing devil horns.. how appropriate.. a song in the background,Hollywood lights,I see in angles of cameras on the set. Everything happening in time to the music,shot by shot. CUT! Thats a wrap(girl hands baby bottle) THE END! Everyone home for the night,we'll pick uo where we left off tomorrow.
I remember tho.. I remember you..
but I dont remember you as strongLOL
I remember you as weak on all fours.BEcause I am grrrl you see trust in my cheeks.. because I am grrl you walk around boosting yr weakness.. you want grrrl.. but Im a wretch and Ill rip you apart.Not this grrl,sorry son, maybe if you didnt have clown shoes on.
So often we use our past to guide us. So often we use our past for credibility. Experience is the lifeblood of learning. Ive taken many sips but Im still not clean. I feel ill. I drank from bad water and you expect me to fly?
If we use our minds, what it has stored, as excuses we are best living in a bathroom watching everyone else flush their shit down the toilets. If you dont like yr past STOP LETTING IT EAT YOU ALIVE! RUN! before you see yrself in that toilet finding refuge in the flush.
If you cant put the past behind you,if burying it doesnt help, if you cant run from it, play with it. Embrace it and change it.
How tall was he? 2 feet sir. Did he wear pants? long suspenders sir. What color was his hair? There was too much grease I cant tell, but he sang Pop Goes The Weazel over and over claiming Metallica wanted copyrights and that he fucked Lars in the bathtub of a 2 dollar motel.So I whipped his pants down to see Lars' remains and I guess Lars took most of the dick with him cause this boy was no more the size of my hang nail.
What happened next?
I laughed all the way to the bank.. then i woke up.. and laughed some more.
If you cant change because of yr past, change yr past..
there's nothing credible in a past that holds you down.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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2:42 pm - from my hole account to my journal where its safe with me
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all the stars turned to fists
quick lesson for myself and anyone who cares to help me
be a smart barbie dull
-stem cells can transform to neurons
-500 nuerons a minute
ok premature babies have undeveloped brains(duh)
babies have to filter changes (sounds and light... magnified) before its ready and you
constantly lose neurons that will never be replaced.
(similiar to skin flaking off every second)
neurons flow thru the neural tube following a cellular pathway (highway)
now is this migration? are these predetermined pathways?
like genetics forcing our neurons to travel and develope a certain destiny?
ok i know if you take a neuron out of its place and replace it somewhere unfamiliar it will follow its regular pathway and not adapt to its surroundings.
what am i getting at? ok..
i was thinking about whered epression comes from.. how does this relate?
ok..
I think that premature babies when their brains over-react to light and sound predisposes them to depression. Depression is unexplainable. Pain evolving from unknown causes. The high frequency(ies) confuse and misalign the neuro pathways, decongesting the brain with irregular predisposed neuro patterns. The sound and light cant be filtered out and stays to confuse the brain creating what we can assocciate to depressive symptoms.
Thus,babies born "ontime" could later in life be losing those cells(neurons) in the brain that control depression/misalignments causing the pain and confusion. And therefore.."overdue" overdeveloped babies.. (in the womb over due date) have stronger connections of filtering frequencies at high levels.. so if we keep those babies active and stimulated theurll be higher acheivers..
I dont know.. i have this idea that if a baby is left in the womb over a longer period of time its gonna be a genius child.. or has a better ability to be one.
and i think babies that are premature and are so sensitive if not taken care of in the "right" way are on a path to depression from the get go.
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(comment on this)
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12:47 am - got alot of letters
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love me Im sick
current mood: cant talk sweaty mess
current music: gross fevered distress & sarah's tape
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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Wednesday, August 21st, 2002
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8:07 pm
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ugh i hate being sickkkkkk
cause everyone else loves it so much
ive got tea
talked to meggy
talked to my cousins in TO
the ones who are the daughters of wayne
ive been thinking ALOT about him
mostly i want to i dont know see his reaction
i mean he avoided two BBQ's afterwards
he's ALWAYS at them.. free food he's there..
i want to know if he regrets it
and i want to know if he was like that cause of
the drugs and/or the alcohol
part of me wonders if his kids know
i SO BADLY hope justin didnt tell anyone
so amber says she wants to meet me
said im first on her list of people she wanted to meet
so its about time..
chris is coming to see me too.
its weird i feel like i dont know,..
i feel like they feel they have to cause
ive been like ick-ed out
like not pity but like obligation or something
and there should be no guilt on their heads
im not sure i can entertain well enough anymore
im alittle out of practise.
met neil's dad and the rest of his family,
his dad kept introducing me as his gf
and at one point he made a comment to this girl
jennifer whom ive apparently met
(her sister went out with jason)
anyway,then she came over to talk to me
and then asked me if id help her with her strap
*blush*
ok she was hot alright..
blonde tall thin..
apparently she did drugs,you think she saw it in me?
it was alright a time tho.
today ive been sick tho,
ive eaten two tuna sandwiches.. and i dont even
like tuna THAT much
but it stays down so..
meg said by the end of sept she should be able to
move here.
can i wait can i wait help me last ok?
btw-my dad got me some codeine 200
i finished the last 200 in two weeks
my family thinks im a freak
i think i need a life jacket and better drugs
current mood: i found waldo wait no..
current music: i lost him
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3:44 pm
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Monday, August 19th, 2002
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6:46 pm
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wheat bread and tuna
top of a choco muffin
craving you between the bites
and then I take shelter in my bed
and pretend i can still smell you from here
talked to yannick last night but didnt go see him
he doesnt remember college much?
and those club rooms much?
or should i say pin girls up rooms?
i took his quiz
i know him better than i thought..
this is the LAST weekend with her
then shes off out and away
im going to go see what theyre watching
friday i see wendy and get drunk
with everyone
i should tell yannick to meet me there
dr levine is long over due
and so are my feelings for you
can you make them go away?
ill make them go away
the only way i know how
i didnt take any drugs today
so when i wasnt passed out
I was in pain or sick
but im feeling alright right now
Im not like quiting or anything
Ive just enough left for ONE time
so Im saving it cause I dont know when
Ill NEED it most
anyway,stephan's on.. he emailed and
Im shit for returning them so..
later gator
i like hugh grant
i wish she liked me cause then id be so lucky
current music: blind melon no rain
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(comment on this)
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Saturday, August 17th, 2002
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11:20 pm
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Yannick says:
I'm trying to say that I'm in the absolute worst position a person can be in... I'm too scared to leave someone I've invested so much time and money with and I'm too scared to tell someone I've known for a long while that I have had feelings for them since we met and never did anything about and now I kick myself in the ass because I will never be able to see how things could have worked out
embryonic hope says:
no yr not scaring me.. before you ask
Yannick says:
As long as you're realizing whom I am talking about
ill comment on this later
he wants to meet up
i just got home and am tired
but someone needs the phone so..
off i go..
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(comment on this)
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2:14 pm
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ok just having cashelle write to me
makes me feel all special and tingley
those words are mine now thank u
and Im not giving them back
unless you really need them
talked to wendy yesturday..
totally fluke I was the one to get the phone
really didnt think it would be her
we're going to go out next week sometime
(jason's got a new girl)
she reminded me of things i actually
did need to hear
carine is self destructive lately..
the grape vine tells all(?)
I should call her
but Im being advised not to
what to do
je ne sais pas
Ill call her next week
find out about this wretched pot and maybe coke?
and now the alcohol and new boyfriend whos taught her
to suck dick so she enjoys it
(with dice and game pieces?)
gotta go to a BBQ meet new people *nervous*
put the drugs down for a few hours
ok
you are a book called
what
dr. seuss book warped you?
 I WAS A GIFTED CHILD
i had my niche.
intelligent. creative. or artistic.
what kind of child were you?
(brought you by april)
SHIT I HAVE TO GET READY NOW!
thank you for writing me
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Friday, August 16th, 2002
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9:42 am - "take it with me when i go"
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Im forgetting as we speak
Ive been thinking constructively a hard process as of late
Ive been wondering
wondering the reasons of racism and how it all really started..
I mean Hitler certainly wasnt the first but we have his reasons..
Meg says he was a smart man.. and I guess people listen
to what smart people say? Maybe tif Einstein said his
theory of relatively was biased to the color of yr skin
we'd all be biased too.
Im on a bias to begin with and Im crooked straight too.
But thats only cause i slept with you.
So he said it has to do with formation right?
and we can clearly see the correlation between
man and monkey(animal)
but not just in COLORED man
in MAN
not that everyone else is transparent
I feel transparent like you do too
Most of yesturdays thoughts were based with unfounded
unknowledgable grounds..
probably on account of they had no technology to serve
their interests.. and pychology was a long way ahead..
you know.. back when witches were bad and slavery was good.
back when id be hung for being yr friend
was it cancer or disease that brought it on?
cause yr black.. and this cancer makes me black
but i die black?
was it that simple a connection?
was there extensive thought process' back then?
was it neccessary to be inquisitive?
and fear is innate inside everyone.. right?
so it followed you because of yr ancestry?
would it be so plain .. ahem.. black and white?
and if it were a ridiculas answer that can easily
be disproven scientifically if thats what most require..
if making you feel stupid could make you change..
would that solve anything or would it still be innate?
maybe cancer is yr body's way of dealing
with excess weight
maybe in some cases the body's confusion..
the fat is the confusion..
maybe cancer is the bodys own creative diet
like Hitler its misunderstanding whats really there
only cancer doesnt have a conscience
its 'just' a disease
so it eats + it eats
and we selfishly bleed
if its my body thats the killer
wouldnt the killer be me?
I cant even get off in my dreams!!!!
next time i beg to cum
ill be begging myself too
can cancer have a theoretical biology too?
yr body + mind
yr body turns against you
1 + 1 =102
comprehension (comprendre)
can yr mind if for the right reasons,make a difference?
power over mind = mind over body
is there another CAT study?
"Class: we have sealed a cat inside a steel chamber,together with a "diabolical device" : in Geiger counter there is a tiny bot of radioactive substance, so small that the probability is only one half that an atom decays and one half that no atom decays. The Geiger counter is connected to a relay so that if it detects an atomic decay, a hammer smashes a flask of deadly cyanide gas. If it does not detect a decay, the flask is not smashed. Thus, if an atom decays, the poor cat dies. If it does not, the cat lives. We all know perfectly well what we would see at the end at the end of an hour if we were cruel enough to carry out this hellish experiment: the cat would be either alive or dead.
According to the mathematics of quantum mechanics, however, the cat is neither. At the end of the hour, the wave function of the cat is not the wave function of a dead cat, nor is it the wave function of a live cat. Rather, it is the wave function of both a dead cat and a live cat. The true wave function is the sum of the dead cat and live cat wave functions. Quantum mechanics says unequivocally that the cat is simultaneously dead and alive, in gross contradiction to common sense and to what we would actually see. There is universal disagreement among physicists that this sum is what standard quantum mechanics predicts.
Oh bliss! Alive AND dead."
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Thursday, August 15th, 2002
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11:21 pm
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i could write porn dialogue with the shit
in my head tonight
i think the 'head' comment might make it a
snuff tho
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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11:16 pm
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if i were running around without a head
i think id be more concerned with what
my head was doing
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(comment on this)
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