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[Monday 31st March : 1821.] |
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Coil - Love's Secret Domain |
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i think my g.p. is intentionally trying to upset me. she has wrongly prescribed me beta-blockers, for cardiac problems. although this is nice and peachy, it's not what i need. i ideally need propranolol. but she seems to think i'm still suffering from a virus i don't believe i've ever had. if i have to, i'll go intravenous. i am just fed up and irritated with being in constant pain.
it has been made clear that my migraines/anxiety are induced by stress. yet my doctor thinks it's post-migraine-trauma. it doesn't even explain WHY i get the migraines. she seems to think that by treating this "headache" with painkillers such as co-proxamol and co-codamol, it will just go away. no. it will not go away. even though this is what i primarily asked for, it soon became apparent that these were not working. they killed the pain for a couple of hours, but it would come back and probably last longer. i initially did not want to take preventative tablets three times a day, every day for the rest of my life. but it looks like i will have to.
my head of year spoke to me this morning about what is going on. she already knew, as my mother had told her, only i didn't know. she made me explain everything and it's obvious i'm uncomfortable with talking to seniors for long periods of time. at least she understands now, and she appeared very supportive, by offering me emotional help. (i know i'd never use that offer, but it was nice.)
this really upset me.
( can someone please tell me what this is from, too. )
i've lost annie again. she escaped last night/this morning. i don't know where she would have gone. i hate it when she does this.
i also received a text message from a girl i'm supposedly friends with, bitching about me. make me happy, friends.
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[Sunday 30th March : 1120.] |
it's mother's day.
some kids were playing outside at, what i thought to be, eight in the morning. i was really shocked. steven and i never used to play that early. then i realised it was nine, but that still seems a bit early to go out and scream.
needless to say, i was woken up but soon fell back asleep. until my father came running up the stairs, burst into my bedroom and calmly handed me the phone. it scared the hell out of me, all of that running and panicking just for a phone call.
i've got work to do today. but i don't know what.
my family are all going to my nan's. but we can't, because my mother's ill.
donna's back. spoke to her a moment ago, and will do so again later.
all of my brother's friends think/know i fancy martyn. er.
and ( this )
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[Saturday 29th March : 1052.] |
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Atreyu - Deanne The Arsonist |
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saw pitchshifter last night.
the support was terrible, but i enjoyed pitchshifter a lot.
"can anyone else smell... sweat?"
paul fancied some 'geezer' in a leather jacket.
as we were walking in, we were that close to js clayden. fuck.
i had a girl put her hair in my face so many fucking times.
i was pushed into the circle pit and was hit in the face.
i went upstairs and took pictures (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
and there's a movie here
if those links don't work, ask me.
i had a nice night. although some attention seeker sat opposite me on the train back. he began eating a paper bag when his friends weren't looking at him.
fuck.
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[Friday 28th March : 1323.] |
i didn't sleep last night. today i feel awful. my parents are hoping to get a repeat prescription of propranolol for me today. but i don't think it'll happen. i have to be up late tonight and am not able to have a brief sleep now.
after listening to clint mansell - "supermarket sweep", i keep on remembering that scene in "requiem for a dream" where he injects into his infected arm. and when he gets his arm amputated. those were the only parts in the film that made me feel sick.
steven's playing football this afternoon, and he won't be back until five-fifteen. am i wrong in worrying about this? sure, we don't live all that far away from london. but the tubes will be packed, just like last time.
my parents are back.
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[Thursday 27th March : 1811.] |
alex and i have decided to forget everything that was said. it's hard knowing things and not being able to express yourself, but it's even harder when you do express yourself and not able to act upon it.
tomorrow night is pitchshifter. paul : we'll be at tottenham court road at around six-thirty. so, if you could arrive by then... i'll still phone you, nonetheless.
my mother tricked me into going to the doctor's today. she told me that we were going to the library, and i could get some books if i wanted. we ended up going to the surgery. i didn't feel like talking to my doctor, so she tried to bribe me. i pretended i was going to be sick, and ran out to the toilets.
i was then forced to go sofa-shopping with my aunties. ugh. had a nice meal afterwards, but i couldn't eat the majority of it. which was a shame.
my mother vomited on the way home, and i had to help clean it up. my dad threw some kind of spastic fit about it, but i wasn't paying attention to him. it smelled really, really bad. i thought i was going to be sick.
my nan, who came round to check on my mother and myself, made me download republican songs. i can't stop singing "on the one road". i am NOT in the ira. loads of credence clearwater revival too, but "jeremiah was a bullfrog" is too catchy.
(down on the corner,
out in the street.
willy and the poor boys are playing
bring a nickel, tap your feet.)
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[Monday 24th March : 1735.] |
school was ok.
things for my friends are bad. i keep on getting texts telling me how depressed they are. it's annoying, because they don't trust me with the little things, but when they need help like this, they'll come to me. in addition, i also wish i knew what to say. "things will get better." yeah, right. as if that will help. "persevere!"
french convention tomorrow, in westminister. we have to wear our uniforms, which is annoying. i'm bringing my phone, so whoever knows my number, text or ring me. please. (i'll post my number on a friends-only post later, if you do not know it.)
logic gates have also been removed from the gcse syllabus (fuck you, mr. government).
my chemistry teacher is annoying me. i handed in my book, and she said she never got it. i don't understand why she's doing this. i am NOT redoing another half term worth of notes just because of her carelessness. she's done this before.
apart from having a headache, i feel alright. things are good. i only got two hours sleep last night, as well. stupid coursework.
(i turn my life around.)
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[Sunday 23rd March : 1128.] |
i am working on my coursework piece today.
"does troy really love anyone, in your opinion? refer in detail to his words and actions."
i almost cried last night about this, i had so many ideas of how to begin but none were suitable. now i'm not even sure if i want to do this question.
i'm just waiting for my laptop to reinstall ms word so i can get back to overthinking the whole problem. it's quite annoying though, as i believe troy did love fanny robin, but my stronger argument is against.
i wish i'd taken notes instead of writing things in russian for michael. i have so many doodles of wars, and captions in russian. they're coloured, too.
but now i have around 20 points, fairly strong, for troy didn't love anyone, and 10 for he did. is it possible to produce a competent answer with just 10 points? i know i'm able to elaborate on questions, but that may just be taking the piss.
i need bonjela. i keep getting mouth ulcers ridiculously often. but this one is very painful, as it's in the fold of my lip, next to my labret post.
i dyed my hair last night, too. and cleaned my foot with undilated savlon. my foot is quite sore this morning.
i also dreamt last night that my grandfather and father penectomised (?) a great dane. it was done with a pair of kitchen scissors, and the dog didn't even bark. other things happened but i don't remember. i love great danes.
(your whole life is
a constant shock.)
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[Saturday 22nd March : 1158.] |
today i am going out with clare.
i was actually asked, instead of having to ask.
i accidentally stepped on a needle last night. it penetrated deep.
i can't even bend my big toe. fucking hell.
today i also have to find some cheap leather, for my project.
if anyone has any spare dark brown leather, e-mail me : a_star_too_far@hotmail.com
i would be extremely grateful.
oh, also, if someone could explain a few jokes to me :
"does cinderella got eyes on her nose?"
"he's got a big head, hasn't he." "who has?" "humpty dumpty!"
"what do you get if you cross abridge with a snake and a gorilla?" "a bird that eats and drinks itself!"
"what did my naughty little sister say to the train station?" "kerchoo!"
(these were taken from niece's joke book)
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[Friday 21st March : 1422.] |
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Hot Hot Heat - Haircut Economics |
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i'm off again, migraine.
i hate people who are "protesting" against this war, and don't understand why they are protesting. stupid english schools.
i wish people wouldn't get so attached to others.
a man who used to be a lodger at my nan's house (she was lonely after my grandfather's death, so my dad and auntie's decided it would be good for her) has been jailed for life. he stabbed a former-friend in front of his two children. i suppose it wasn't entirely a surprise; he used to cause a lot of problems for my nan.
( Life for violent knife attacker )
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[Thursday 20th March : 1610.] |
i am ill again, and yes, i am surprised. i really thought i was getting better this time.
i've also been working, consistently too, on my gcse graphics project. i'm designing an internet café/bar. it has two levels, but there is a "hole" in the first floor, so that the ground floor is visible. it still needs a lot of work, butthe basic idea can be viewed here.
"hm. that looks fairly similar to navajo joe's!" - wait until you see the colour scheme. (lotus).
my parents woke me up this afternoon to tell me the roads leading to my school were blocked off, and that they weren't sure whether it was anything to do with the school or not. i was quite worried for a few people (wow, laura does have feelings contrary to what people say about her!) but it then turned out to be a hit-and-run. i hate living in slough.
i have work to do, and books to be read.
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[Monday 17th March : 1729.] |
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Wolfe Tones - Men Behind The Wire |
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i had quite a nice day. i went into school, and even handed in work. even more amazing, the work was chemistry. i haven't handed my book in for months. bearing in mind that i'm not up to date still though. still, quite good that i did it. my chemistry teacher was quite rude as well. i was told to stop being ill, as i am falling behind. if falling behind is getting eighty per cent plus on tests, then fuck. otherwise she can piss off.
i am beginning my gcse graphics project properly tonight. i was just going to do a café, but i found out that it's a bit basic. so i'm going with an internet café instead, as my uncle did some research a few years back. /geek.
i also went shopping with my father after school. i was, stupidly, spraying some men's aftershave around. i now stink of man. ugh. repulsive.
i'm in a good mood, and i'd rather certain people didn't talk to me (i don't want you ruining it). it's allowed. fuck you.
(it's the end of the world as we know it,
and i feel fine.)
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[Sunday 16th March : 1000.] |
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The Faint - Glass Danse |
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yoko has just left. her counsellor, betty, was insane. seriously. she told yoko to "come on now, don't get too attached". she's been here for a year, how could she not already be attached? my dad tried to make her laugh, and steven hid his tattoo from him well. but that betty... ugh.
i went to the cinema yesterday evening to see "the life of david gale" with charlie. it was alright, but i hated those cheesy scene change things with "anger" or whatever scrawled onto a piece of paper. someone also began to smoke in the cinema, which also really annoyed me. i came home at around nine pm, and was shattered. i didn't get to sleep until around two am this morning though.
my labret is still sore, and i'm not sure why. it looked swollen last night, and is secreting as if it was a new piercing. i may have torn it.
i still haven't bought the bits and pieces i need to begin my "project" with dad. he seems to have lost interest though, so i suppose it'll never actually happen.
this is why i hate school.
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[Saturday 15th March : 1103.] |
my computer was left on and connected to the internet last night, in a bid to finish a download. but i only received around fourteen mb out of six-nine-three mb. and this had really annoyed me.
yoko's spending two nights here. one of them was last night and the other tonight. she goes back to japan tomorrow, i think. everyone was crying last night. it was really awkward. i didn't know what to do, so i just sat there. once they had all left, i played some games with yoko which cheered her up. my dad played her too, and my dad's insane.
my parents had made plans for me to go out today. but i didn't want to go. so i am staying in, and reading.
my abdomen hurts. i hate the smiths.
(no strings, no ropes, no obligations.)
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[Friday 14th March : 1132.] |
i had a bit of trouble sleeping last night, but i received a few messages that really made me happy. one of which was from an old friend, telling me they miss me. (i received others that made me laugh so much that it made my father come upstairs to see what was wrong.) i used to see this person almost every day, and now i don't. i really do miss them. i think this may make us a little bit closer, and take the time to see each other more often now. hopefully.
things are looking a little bit brighter, but i am still sick. i feel nauseous but somewhat better. maybe i'm just happier.
whenever i try to play someone at "go", the person i am playing always cancels the game. i'd like to play a full game just once today. but. no. people get nervous and cancel.
today is a beautiful day.
(dinah, is anyone finer, in the state of carolina?
if there is and you know her, show her to me.)
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[Wednesday 12th March : 1521.] |
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i spent most of yesterday in matron's office, in a daze. [i had ran out of french, as i thought i was about to vomit. drama.] i couldn't open my eyes or be bothered to sit up and be awake, so i lay down and remained silent. i heard someone come in and tell matron that i hadn't been myself yesterday. this person does not know me. i was fairly shocked to hear them talk about me in such a personal manner, but i didn't respond. i vomited once in the morning and felt dizzy, but ok, afterwards. then at around two-thirty i began to vomit repeatedly. at this point, my dad turned up and took me home. it turned out that he wasn't unable to pick me up earlier, just that he was busy shopping. i was angry with him for this. but i just went to bed. i woke up at around four pm, and began to vomit around every fifteen minutes thereafter. it calmed down later, and i had stopped by around eleven. because of this, i was made to go to the doctor's today. my mother seemed to think that this constant vomiting was to do with my ulcers. i knew it wasn't, but i gave up arguing. my doctor said it was not my ulcers, but a bug. [i knew it wasn't a bug either. but. i just smiled.] i think my mum was a little annoyed with me for being right. but we went into slough, dropped a few books off at the library, and i bought a book on "mastering electronics". [my dad's going to help me build a 'fully working radio control'] we then came home, and i watched a film called "road kill" with dad. i didn't think much of it, but he loved it.
i would like to go to school tomorrow to pick some components up. but i'm still dizzy, so the chances of that are low.
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[Monday 10th March : 1644.] |
i fucking detest school. i hate being there.
i think i am going to go lie down and contemplate what i am going to do.
[people used to call me self-destructive, and i'd get angry. now i am beginning to believe them when they tell me what i am.]
i am up to date with my mathematics. it took thirty-five minutes to get to the same point as julia. i do not even consider gcse mathematics a task anymore. i need a new topic. something new. something i have not read about before. give me a challenge.
(the image of despair.)
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[Sunday 9th March : 1840.] |
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Freak Power - Turn on, tune in, cop out. |
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i came home at around ten this morning, and went to london with my family. i ran into an old friend today in covent garden. it was nice to see him again, i hadn't spoken to him for at least two years. it was quite embarrassing taking my dad through soho to get to carnaby street. he kept on pulling faces whenever he saw a homosexual couple kiss. he was too scared to ask for directions for some other place too, but as soon as we got out of soho, he regained his confidence. i think my father is a homophobe. i bought a cheap new school bag (gola, twenty pounds), a jumper/cardigan (ringspun, fifty pounds) and a tee-shirt (savage-london, twenty pounds). i spent around ten pounds on ice cream for my family [i had promised to take them to a very nice italian ice cream place, so i had to pay].
i have school tomorrow. i have only been in four days in the past month. i am not looking forward to going in though, as i have been trying to avoid certain people. it's pathetic though. i should just not be friends with people i cannot trust. i also have an r.e. test to do for tomorrow morning, first period.
i tried to avoid doing any maths today. i lasted around fourteen hours in, and then boredom got the best of me. i am not giving up mathematics, i am just trying to avoid it right now. somehow, maths = stress = illness.
(i won't forget you.)
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[Saturday 8th March : 1633.] |
i went to the library this morning to research digital logic. i was unable to find what i was looking for, so i shall go back next week probably. i did find quite an interesting book called "financial calculus" though. which i shall be attempting to understand for the three weeks following...
i would have liked to have gon eto the cinema tonight, to see "the pianist" or "ring", but no one has returned my calls. so that looks a bit hazy.
i shall be going to london tomorrow, with my family. steven has an interview with soas (his preferred university), and my dad offered to drive him there. i don't see why he should get a lift. there's no tube strike going on. i have to go just in case i fall ill again. sitting in a car for a few hours will, according to my mother, do me good as i'm receiving fresh air. i understand what she is talking about, really.
steven bought me credit, which was nice. i got him a book from the library, which didn't cost ten pounds. it is about japan though, and it has a section of japanese/korean prostitutes. i do not like the style in which it is written though. it's not impersonal, as i feel travel guides should be. the author tries to have a joke with the reader. i had to re-read the jokes, just so i could understand them. they really weren't funny.
(watch the blood fall from their heads)
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[Friday 7th March : 1410.] |
i was awoken at 0700 by some annoying lawnmower. i have only had two hours sleep so no matter whatever i try to put my mind to, i just cannot do it. i have the attention span of a hummingbird for twenty-four hours.
it is a wet, grey and miserable day. i wanted to go out this evening, when the weather will have hopefully cleared up, but the vomiting is postponing it until a later date.
i have taken four-hundred-and-eighty mg of codeine today. this is what i consider to be a semi-average dosage. it is still a little high, but it is acceptable. ergo, i am on the mend finally. (i have, however, taken sixteen mg of clonazepam, more than double the average dose. it seems to be helping though.)
my parents have left to visit some friends. steven is here though. i have to make my lunch and rest.
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