| how much i hate my life right now... |
[18 Jan 2002|09:58am] |
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I am so sick of feeling like shit. I'm never in a good mood and I can't wake up in the morning. I feel isolated from everyone including my own boyfriend. I'm so depressed
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| I'm not going to start any trouble directly but.... |
[11 Jan 2002|11:59am] |
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mood |
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 pissed off |
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I don't understand why people are so concerned with appearances sometimes. Does it have something to do with not knowing who they are? I remember one time when I was extremely ignorant to what a real friend was. It was in Junior High School. I remember I really thought this girl Athena was really cool, but she dressed really out of style. I tried to get her to dress the way I did so I could be friends with her. I didn't feel comfortable unless she fit my standards. Now, I know why, cuz in Junior High you need someone else to validate you because you have no self-esteem.
It's really sad when you realize you know someone like this but they are in college.
OKAY, I admit that it's ok to want people around you that like the same shit as you, but if they don't directly reflect everything you THINK you are and THINK you stand for, they are chopped liver? This is just so shallow and now that I'm 23 years old, I know that frankly I am not so self absorbed, that everyone I hang out with has to be my clone!!!!! If you're reading this you know who you are...stop making people feel that they are not good enough and stealing their individuality. You are best left alone with your idol: your fucking mirror image! FUCK YOU
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[14 Dec 2001|10:27am] |
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mood |
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 apathetic |
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music |
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NONE |
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Not much new is going on. I'm starting to really hate myself for not finishing school somehow. I could blame it on Bradford closing because if it didn't I could've finished algebra there but instead now I have no degree because the only math course Suffolk U had was Pre Cal. Anyway, I don't know why it is so hard for me to just do what I want to do. I also am pissed off at my mom. I've been playing guitar for a long time now...8 years or so and my mom says "you want to go to berklee? You have to be really good to get in to that school?" Ok, mom thanks for the fucking insult...and I wonder why I nothing I do is good enough. I just don't find any hint of joy in any profession. There's nothing I WANT to do for a job, except maybe play music or act or something creative. I'm sick of sitting around doing nothing, going nowhere, in fucking Boston Massachusetts. FUCK THIS PLACE!
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| Money sucks and so does beauty |
[28 Nov 2001|02:14pm] |
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mood |
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high on caffine |
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music |
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Vespertine....Bjork's new album |
] |
Last night sucked sooooo much. I was locked out of my apartment from 5:30 until 8pm. I couldn't really go anywhere or do anything while waiting cuz I don't have money for shit. It seems like I never have enough money for anything but oh well. If I wasn't bitching about money I'd probably have relationship problems or something. As long as I don't have both. I can't wait til the last week of December so I can get the hell out of here. I'm going to the Gym again tonight and that means I'm sticking with it. I'll be doing Yoga on tues. and thurs. mornings and working out on Mon. Wed. and Fri....I hope I can stick with this. I am known to be a huge procrastinator. OK...it's time to slurp up this latte! Oh, and I don't want to hear anymore bitching about The Strokes. It's a good album so everyone else go fuck yourselves!
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[27 Nov 2001|01:03pm] |
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mood |
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blank |
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music |
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NO FUCKING MUSIC |
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Thanksgiving went ok. Seymour was scared the whole car ride up to Manchester. She was so happy to come home on Friday though. Bryan and I actually went to the mall. We mostly browsed but I got 2 martini glasses and we made Chocolate Martinis that night with Matt and Keith. My parents are screwed up. That's all I have to say about them. Stop having affairs just grow some balls and split up.
My relationship has been going REALLY well these days. I think I can get used to monogamy cuz when I really think about it, Bryan is the least fucked up guy I've gone out with and we get along as friends really well. Our relationship isn't based solely on fucking. It has been easier to say the three words I associate with pain lately. THAT"S GOOD. As for my addictions to cigarettes and coffee and oh I forgot...sugar....I'm doing better. I only smoke on weekends and I started working out at the Y. Yesterday was my first day. After weighing myself over thanksgiving I knew it was time for exercise. Not much else to say...
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| Fuck Jennifer Lopez! |
[21 Nov 2001|09:36am] |
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mood |
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 excited |
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music |
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The Strokes-Last Night |
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I get out of work today at 2:30! I'm pretty excited about that. I also get to see my friend Matt today, who I don't see that often and my Mom and Dad and sister, and my boyfriend Bryan who is the shit. I'm also bringing Seymour my cat. She is Transgendered.
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[17 Nov 2001|09:16pm] |
I am 36% ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET.
I could go either way. Deep into the madness of nights filled with coding CGI-Scripts and online role playing games, or I could become a normal user. Good luck!
Take the INTERNET-ADDICT Test at Fuali.com!
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[17 Nov 2001|06:34pm] |
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music |
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Rattlesnakes--Tori Amos |
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Words like violence break the silence
come crashing in, into my little world
painful to me, pierce right through me
can't you understand?
Oh my little girl
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
is here in my arms
All I ever wanted
all I ever need is here in my arms
Vows are spoken to be broken
feelings are intense
words are trivial
pleasures remain
so does the pain
words are trivial and unforgettable
All I ever wanted, All I ever needed
is here
in my arms
words are very
unnecessary
they can only do harm
words like violence break the silence
come crashing in into my little world
painful to me, pierce right through me
can't you understand? Oh my little girl?
All I ever wanted all I ever needed
is here in my arms
words are very unnecessary
they can only do harm.
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| Rock and roll will never die, but you did, and it's sad. |
[16 Nov 2001|02:33pm] |
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mood |
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 creative |
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Just had to start the entry with a little Danny Johnston. God, I can't wait to see him play! Just got to see this guy. Anyway, last night was a blast!!!! I went to a show at The House of Blues...Glenn Tilbrook was there from early 80's band Squeeze. He played mostly stuff from his new solo album but once he was done witht that, he played all the old shit. I don't really know the stuff that good cuz I just started listening to Squeeze but it was definately cool. The most memorable part was at the end of the show where we all went outside in Harvard Square and continued the show outside. Then he was walking, singing, and playing on the streets and we were all following like we were in parade or something. He kept running away though and we had to run to catch up with him while singing "pulling muscles from a shell" it was so hillarious, then after when he waved everybody away...we chased him some more and got two items autographed buy him. What a great night. I might be going to show tonight also. I am also SO proud of myself for finally practicing my guitar the other night. I practiced for 2 hours straight. Well, that's all for now. Fucking is definately better than cuddling Sean.
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| SITE 330--an original poem |
[15 Nov 2001|07:06pm] |
Sidewalk falls behind
footsteps float on fly's backs
money suit, case in blue
follow you home and see
just you
simultaneous
public viewing
identical site
fall behind, where's my mind
cat's unwind
down to where you go
it's so much better on a platter
that's lined
lined in silver
laced with wine
you sure know how to have a good time
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| NICE |
[15 Nov 2001|12:30pm] |
I am 43% Grunge.
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What's this? The longest I've been without a shower is three days? Not even close, man. I should go sit out in the rain for a week.
Take the Grunge Test at Fuali.com!
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| THIS IS A RELIEF! |
[15 Nov 2001|12:23pm] |
I am 20% Raver.
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Have I even been to a rave? I'll go home. Loser. I suck. Actually, I am probably just a normal person taking this test and don't know why.
Take the RAVER Test at Fuali.com!
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| Work at 9:43 am |
[15 Nov 2001|09:42am] |
You're so glad she's the first to really listen
why are you thanking me?
do you think I'm sincere?
THINK AGAIN ASSHOLE!
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[15 Nov 2001|12:30am] |
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people born under the sign of the RAM tend to lose interest in old or boring tasks if their excitement level is not frequently refreshed.
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| A VERY TRUE QUOTE from Milan Kundera |
[14 Nov 2001|06:39pm] |
And again he thought the thought we already know: Human life occurs only once, and the reason we cannot determine which of our decisions are good and which bad is that in a given situation we can make only one decision; we are not granted a second, third, or fourth life in which to compare various decisions.
What happens but once might as well not have happened at all...
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| Today was not that great... |
[14 Nov 2001|06:23pm] |
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mood |
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 envious |
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music |
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Big Nothing--Elliott Smith, still |
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Yes, I'm not that happy right now. Today I started my new schedule at work which is 9 to 5 like every other average josephine straight out of college. The only problem is, I woke up late so I didn't get there until 10 which is my old starting time. That didn't start the day off too good. Then I made the mistake of taking the train which is fucking slow as hell cuz it goes through Boston University. So, I got to work and the day was pretty much the same as always. I forgot to call Berklee again. I guess I won't be getting to Music School anytime soon since I'm not making any moves. FUCK IT! SO, what do I do like an idiot? I take the B Line home! It was slow as hell as usual and all the nasty mexican/bacon chambers guys were staring and making comments as always. I HATE BEING FEMALE SOMETIMES. I am pmsing so hardcore right now. I'm pissed off, bored off my ass, and hate everyone. Then I come home and everything's cool til my sister comes home and starts raving about how great it is that she is trying to hook up her cowoker and a friend of mine which just pisses me off because I'm pmsing and hate any happy, cuddly, lovy, dovy, person or thing or feeling. It's not that I'm against them personally or anything, I even don't want to talk to my boyfriend right now. He annoys me too, simply because he is human. I am jealous of all new couples right now. Once you know the person you are with fully, it gets boring because it's not as much fun. I don't mean to say that you don't have fun with the person anymore, it's just that you have to work harder. Working hard is one of my weaknesses.....I like to play! I don't want to have to take anything seriously, but I know no matter who I'm seeing, I will feel this way so I just need to get over it. ISUPPOSE.
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[14 Nov 2001|12:20am] |
The Biggest Lie
I'm waiting for the train
the subway that only goes one way
the stupid thing that'll come to pull us apart
and make everybody late
you spent everything you had
wanted everything to stop that bad
and now I'm a crushed credit card registered
to smith
not the name that you call me with
you turned white like a saint
I'm tired of dancing on a pot of gold flake paint
oh we're so very precious, you and I
and everything that you do makes me want to die
oh I just told the biggest lie
I just told the biggest lie
the biggest lie
LAST CALL
Last call
he was sick of it all
asleep at home
told you off and goodbye
well you know one day it'll come to haunt you
that you didn't tell him quite the truth
you're a crisis
you're a icicle
you're a tongueless talker
you don't care what you say
you're a jaywalker and you just just walk away
and that's all you do
the clap of the fading out sound of your shoes
made him wonder who he thought that he knew
last call
he was sick of it all
the endless stream of reminders
made him so sick of you sick of you sick of you
sick of your sound
sick of you coming around
trying to crawl under my skin
when I already shed my best defense
it comes out all around that you won
and I think I'm all done
you can switch me off safely
while I'm lying here waiting for sleep to overtake me
yeah yeah you're still here but just check to make sure
all you aspired to do was endure
you can't ask for more ask for none
knowing you'll never get that which you ask for
so you cast your shadow everywhere like the man in the moon
you start to drink you just want to continue
it'll all be yesteryear soon
you start to drink you just want to continue
it'll all be yesteryear soon
church bells and now I'm awake and I guess it must be some kind of holiday
I can't seen to join in the celebration
but I'll go to the service
and I'll go to pray
and I'll sing the praises of my maker's name
like I was as good as she made me
and I wanted her to tell me that she would never wake me
I wanted her to tell me that she would never wake me
I wanted her to tell me that she would never wake me
I wanted her to tell me that she would never wake me
I wanted her to tell me that she would never wake me
I wanted her to tell me that she would never wake me
I wanted her to tell me that she would never wake me
I wanted her to tell me that she would never wake me
I'm lying here waiting for sleep to over take me
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| I'm 1% more emo than sean! |
[13 Nov 2001|11:37am] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
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YOU ARE 46% EMO.
Not quite Emo
Hmm.. i suggest you stopped listening to Dashboard Confessional.... enough said... Now that you stopped looking at your shoes, how's the real world look?
I must be naturally emo cuz I don't have thick black rimmed glasses although if I was sight deficient, I probably wouldn't pass up a chance to wear these, or tortoiseshell, my personal favorite, why? Because those kind of glasses are cool looking. I suppose any crying, whining, sentimental bastard could be fucking emo. Did I ever cry at a show?? Yes, but it wasn't an emo band. Anyway, I'm happy to be an indie-elitist. As you can see I am also in a kick-ass mood. I am very HAPPY. This is a very rare event. I don't even know why I'm happy. I think it has to do with the big ol cup o joe I just ingested. It was good. Today the big wigs from Bank One are walking around our floor. We were told to dress professional and what not. I'm wearing my black turtleneck, black skirt, black tights, and bowling shoe sneakers...not so professional but fuck em all
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| My Life in a Cubicle |
[12 Nov 2001|12:46pm] |
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mood |
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 calm |
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music |
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I WISH I HAD MUSIC |
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I am so sick of hearing about sports. To the left of me, across from me and two guys over. What is so exciting about who batted a ball where and whatever the fuck they are talking about.. It's so annoying. Why can't I have co-workers who converse about more interesting topics? Is this what I'm getting paid 25,000/yr to do? Listen to people swap stories of what they heard about so and so team?...UHHHH. I'm in one of those moods where I could constantly bitch. I'm back to work after taking thursday and friday off and now I realize, I was so much happier at home. If anyone is in college right now that is reading this...you are so fucking lucky. You don't even know it. Yeah, you have 45 papers to write, but at least you are doing something that you think is getting you somewhere. Sitting in a cubicle talking to people about how bad their credit is, is not that great. I can't wait for lunch. I may be bitching constantly, but that's what journals are for. My real "paper" journal contains the real secrets. This is just a gift for boredom. I want to go to some shows this week like Spoon and The New Pornographers, only problem is, I don't want to go alone because of the recent events in my neighborhood. IhatethiscubilcleandnowIshallgobecauseihavenothingnicetosay
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[11 Nov 2001|06:03pm] |
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mood |
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 bitchy |
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music |
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Becky singing to the cat |
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So, I live in a really fucked up neighborhood and I feel like I can never leave my apartment again. This girl got mugged right outside of my window last night around midnight. I've also learned today that the bridge I walk on to get over the highway and onto my street is called Mugger Bridge! Peggy the neighbor that lives very closely to me and whom I've just met, told me all of this. I find this incredibly real, too real. I've never lived in this shady of a neighborhood in my whole life. I'm not afraid to walk around during the day but I'm doubly afraid to go out at night especially since I'm female.
I think we should be allowed to carry some kind of weapon legally as women. Getting raped is my biggest worry.
So, tonight our window was STUCK! Wide open. Not just unable to lock, but stuck wide open so that it couldn't even shut. My sister was a major bitch today about that and acted like it was my responsibility to fix it, when I had no idea how she got it like that in the first place. This is why I hate living with my sister. It is so dysfunctional. Whenever we get mad at each other, we say the most hurtful things....we know how to get under each other's skin...I'm just so sick of this fucking neighborhood. IT is nothing like where i used to live. Peggy tells me some girl got mugged and also says never walk out "that bridge". Well, that is the only way to get to the city...the bus....the train...which gets me to work! MUGGER BRIDGE>....it's kind of funny in a way! I think I'll start carrying a knife with me where ever I go. People are so fucked up.
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