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condescending smile

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[16 Feb 2003|04:54am]
i still recall the taste of your tears.
echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
my favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
scraping through my head 'till i don't want to sleep anymore.

make this all go away
you make this all go away
i'm down to just one thing
and i'm starting to scare myself.
you make this all go away
you make this all go away
i just want something
i just want something i can never have

you always were the one to show me how
back then i couldn't do the things that i can do now
this is slowly taking me apart
grey would be the color if i had a heart.

you make this all go away
i'm down to just one thing
and i'm starting to scare myself.
you make this all go away
you make this all go away
i just want something
i just want something i can never have
i just want something i can never have.

in this place it seems life is such a shame.
though it all looks different now,
i know it's still the same
everywhere i look you're all i see.
just a fading fucking reminder of who i used to be.

you make this all go away
you make this all go away
i'm down to just one thing
and i'm starting to scare myself.
you make this all go away
you make it all go away
i just want something.
i just want something i can never have
i just want something i can never have
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My first questionnare! [11 Feb 2003|03:53pm]
[ mood | indifferent ]
[ music | Micheal Jackson - Billy Jean ]

[my name is]: Russell
[in the morning I am]: usuay tired from getting to bed so late
[all I need is]: a big fat joint and some classic rock, or love and security =)
[love is]: amazing but not what life is about
[I'm afraid of]: being alone forever, working in a dead end job at 25, being depressed for the rest of my life, having to kill myself.
[I dream about]: crazy, dark, fucked up shit. Last night - A kid at Reading Festival stole ?20 and my tent so i tracked him down and then killed him. My mum was driving really fast on the icey roads, hitting cars looking for somebody/something? and the grim reaper came to my family and said to each of us "you have to die, but you can save anbody from death" and i said my little sister =/?

-W H I C H . I S . B E T T E R-
[coke or pepsi]: coke
[flowers or candy]: i dont get either =P
[tall or short]: short girls!!!but tall guys

-W I T H .T H E. O P P O S I T E. S E X-
[what do you notice first?]: height, smile, eyes, general personality (i watch them and then realise what they're about)
[person u slow danced with]: i've never once slow danced seriously
[worst question to ask]: "why are you dating me?" or "can we go on a break?"

-W H O-
[makes you laugh the most?]: Howard
[makes you smile]: most people
[gives you a funny feeling when you see them]: nobody really.
[has a crush on you?]: nobody
[easiest to talk to]: Chloe and Howard

-D O. Y O U .E V E R-
[sit on the internet all day waiting for someone
special to I.M. you?]: not waiting, but i sit on the internet.
[save aol/aim conversations]: some, i used to save the conversations with my ex girlfriend so i could read them after she went :)
[wish you were a member of the opposite sex]: I am femanine enough for my likings so no
[lie?]: not usualy..only if i know it will hurt somebodys feelings/will get soembody in shit

-W H O .W A S .T H E .L A S T. P E R S O N-
[you talked to on the phone]: Darren
[hugged]: my pillow? i dont remember..ive not been hugged for about 2 weeks
[you instant messaged]: i can't remember, i was high last night.
[you laughed with]: Darren...talking about being us being roadies

-D O .Y O U-
[color your hair]: nope, i seldom wash it let alone colour it ;) j/k
[ever get off the damn computer]: sometimes, but its better then real life.
[habla espanol]: labia quesento (i made that 2nd word up)

-D O .Y O U / / A R E .Y O U-
[smoke cigarettes]: yea
[obsessive]: not really
[could you live without the computer?]: probably
[how many peeps are on your buddylist?]: 14 on AOL but i talk to about 3. 36 on MSN i talk to most
[what's your favorite food?]: chicken, mayonayse, pizza, eggs, lasange
[whats ur favorite fruit?]: apples or lemons
[drink alchohol?]: yea
[like watching sunrises or sunset]: both...they're beauty at its rawest
[what hurts the most? physical pain or emotional pain?]: physical
[trust others way too easily?]: i hardly trust anybody!

-N U M B E R-
[of times I have had my heart broken? ]: 1
[of hearts I have broken?] : 1 or 2
[of boys I have kissed?] : 5
[of continents I have lived in?] : 2
[of drugs taken illegally?] : 7
[of tight friends?] : 0 tight friends
[of cd's that i own?] : 100
[of scars on my body?] : 10, 4 on my arm, 2 on my chest, one on my hip, 2 on my tights and 1 on my shin
[of things in my past that i regret?] : most things
I KNOW: i'm doomed
I HAVE: big dreams
I WISH: it was summer and i had an amazing girlfriend who made every little thing ok
I HATE: winter, lairs, my dad, this place, this life
I MISS: having hugs and kisses, being loved, the sun
I FEAR: eternal lonelyness or being a failure in my life
I HEAR: Uriah Heep
I SEARCH: for a decent job
I WONDER: about everything
I REGRET: most of my life
I LOVE: music, some of my family, the summer, my guitar
I ACHE: in my wrists and in my neck
I CARE: about too much/everything
I ALWAYS: get depressed
I AM NOT: happy
I DANCE: when im drunk or by myself
I SING: everyday to music
I CRY: alot
I DO NOT ALWAYS: wash myself
I WRITE: things of little interest
I WIN: nothing
I LOSE: my sanity
I CONFUSE: myself
I LISTEN: to every genre of music which doesn't piss me off. the other day i listened to Jusified =)
I CAN USUALLY BE FOUND: on the computer, playing guitar, being quiet
I AM HAPPY ABOUT: my fingers, my hearing, the opportunities ive been given, the beauty i've seen and watched

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