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Sinistry's Sanctuary [entries|friends|calendar]
Sinistry - Fashion Bomb

[ website | Sinister Sanctuary ]
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[05 Feb 2005|12:38am]
[ mood | drained ]
[ music | The Postal Service - Such Great Heights ]

You know it's been a long week when it ends with one helluva massive headache where it hurts to even smile (and when you're about to type 'smiles to hurt' instead!).

I've been in this depressive-ish mode for the past little while. But I might just be getting out of it. Maybe it was a workout at the gym (or umm, watching the guys work out?).

So umm, to help me get out of this rut further, will 20 of you be so kind as to buy tickets to THIS, whether or not you'll actually come to it (haha ok, I know I know). Farf and I will thank you cuz we'll get to shmooze with the man of the night - Raghav! *girly drool* ok ew, that's for Farf to do. No groupiness for me, but that Sukhwinder Shinda now he sure is something ....well his music anyway...I guess (I probably know one of them, I think...maybe). Or we COULD just buy VIP tix...

Ok does ANYONE know of a (British?) song with the name "Music of the Night" that IS NOT by Sarah Brightman (it's a male voice) and IS NOT part of the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack? I would appreciate it muchos grandes if you could tell me :)

And how beautiful is this song...

I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned. And I have to speculate that God himself did make us into corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces from the clay. And true, it may seem like a stretch, but it's thoughts like this that catch my troubled head when you're away when I am missing you to death. When you are out there on the road for several weeks of shows and when you scan the radio, I hope this song will guide you home.

3 bites| bite me

[26 Jan 2005|02:06am]
[ mood | relieved ]
[ music | Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams ]

They're over! Both presentations!

I was nervous as hell throughout them both, but my neuropsychology of abnormal behaviour class itself made me feel a bit more at ease, though I was more nervous as the time came to present (might be because I was one of the main speakers for that class, discussing cognitive-behavioural therapy for schizophrenia) while the day before, for intro to research methods, half the class was presenting their study proposals (mine an intervention to get people to quit smoking, using fear-arousing communication and the health-belief model).

But I love my professor. She smiles and nods her head and makes you feel so comfortable when you're up there, while all you want to do is have the ground beneath you open up and swallow you whole.

And I love my friends - for all their support and faith in me. I've got a LOT to work on before I can get to the point of being comfortable up there, but with a little more practice, it just may not be impossible. At this point, my face feels incredibly hot just thinking about it!

6 bites| bite me

Love and Food (life's essentials?) [24 Jan 2005|01:42am]
[ music | Galvanise - Chemical Brothers ]

Of all the kinds of love out there, romantic love always seems to be the one most talked about, the one with all the fuss around it. I'm not sure why that is. Parental love is so extraordinary...so powerful...so completely selfless, in ways that romantic love could never be. And what's more is that you've got to be a parent to understand the essence of it, the full intensity of it.

But of course, not all parental relationships are like that. Just like all romantic relationships aren't all peaches and cream. But perhaps, we'll all get at least one of them. And learn to give what we may not have received/experienced.

In other news, this weekend was full of the yummiest treats EVER. First my aunt made curry (not just the soupy stuff, but the stuff that can be called 'punjabi dahi curry' if you want to be more descriptive). And then Farf's momma made the yummiest malai koftas, of which Farf brought me a whole POTFULL. And then the family (like everrrryone but me) was over at my cousin's place this weekend, they had to sleep over because of the storm so yes, I had the whole house to myself (but I'm a nerd so no party, no..not even a boy! Though I DID invite one over but I'm not cool enough for him :/ haha jk). They came back tonight with the yummiest food! Sindhi biryani, shami kebobs, seekh kebobs, tandoori chicken, dahi pakoras, channa chaat and for dessert - custard with cake and whipped cream and fresh strawberries (sooo good!), the most beautiful looking pakistani zarda (zarda is sweet rice, my aunt's is always coloured orange with orange zest, but my cousin's was mostly white with some grains green and others pink, with small chunks of coconut mixed in and tiny rasgullah balls! I need to take a picture of that plate, it's too beautiful to eat), and the traditional Eid sheer/sivaiyan (with vermicelli and all kinds of nuts, immersed in sinfully sweet milky goodness!).

And we also have way too much raw meat in the house (which came from every direction, part of Eid - my apologies to the vegetarians out there :/). This isn't such great news though, since I'm trying to get my mom to reduce the meat in her diet. Ugh. And it's especially hard because she says "It's goat meat! Not beef! Beef, beef is unhealthy..not goat meat!"

I want more of that custard!

10 bites| bite me

Dream Diaries [19 Jan 2005|02:14am]
[ music | bjork - human behaviour ]

I have the weirdest dreams, and often I can see how they relate to my life events at the current time. So here are two that I recently dreamed of, with the third left because I would have to explain a bit too much.

The first one I dreamt Saturday night. I was in a class in high school, but the class was a big (university) lecture hall. I sat there with one friend by my side, taking notes while the teacher rambled about something or another. And then, from out of nowhere and to my absolute horror, I started passing gas like it was no one's business. I was embarrassed beyond the point of ultimate embarrassment (it's late!), but I kept doing it! The entire row of students behind me, thoroughly disgusted by now, gave me crude looks and whispered obscenities...I was red and absolutely mortified and the entire class just HATED ME! I mean, beyond the passing gas bit, I just wasn't liked at all! All these 'gangsta guys' were threatening to beat me up and I feared I couldn't leave the building without that one friend and a getaway car parked right at school entrance I'd dart out from upon the shrill ringing of the bell that would signify another stressful day over.

The second dream I had on Sunday night, where I dreamt that I visited Jenn in Hamilton. I went over to the apartment she shares with Sharm, and we were just hanging out, watching tv and such. I'd make certain comments, upon which Jenn would look at me. And when I'd look back at her, I'd see this menacing look on her otherwise warm, smiley face. "What are you, STUPID?!?" she'd retort, at which I'd shrivel into ball of nauseating regret for opening my mouth at all. Then we went grocery shopping, and I'd point out certain ingredients on the labels of packaged foods, giving her my opinion on the use of such colouring, flavouring and preserving agents, citing my knowledge. And of course the little devil Jenn had transformed into, challenged my knowledge yet again, with a nasal "Have you learned a single THING in university? What are you, STUPID?!?" >:/

I'd had enough of her by that point, and yet the effect of her words remained with me as I questioned my knowledge and right to speak...fearing every second sentence would be sheer absurdity.

Ya think this could possibly, maybe, have to do with the two presentations I have coming up next week? I saw one student present yesterday, and she stumbled so much, and I could tell she had a desert of a dry mouth....I could see myself in her. Even though the last time I spoke in front of a class of 100 students, my nose quivered like a fucking retarded rabbit's would. (It's the anxiety talking...).

I guess I'll be uber relieved when it's over. How I'll get to that point without having a nervous breakdown is another thing.

PS - Jenn, I'm not talking to you! :P (but I'll respond to your email soon, haha)

If you ever get close to a human and human behaviour, be ready to get confused. There’s definitely no logic to human behaviour. But yet so irresistible.

4 bites| bite me

Queer Eye withdrawal :( [19 Jan 2005|01:41am]
[ music | bjork - play dead ]

Kyan: [holding up two scrubbers] "This is for your back, and then this is for your crack. Your back, your crack. Your crack, your back."

Rachel: "He's got the sensor stuck in the meat, and it will beep and vibrate when it's getting close."
Carson and Kyan: "It's gonna beep and vibrate when it's getting close?"
Ted: "It's true."
Carson: "Are you kidding me? Where can I get one of those?"

*sob* I miss my boys :( Anyone (in Canada, preferably Toronto) been watching the show? I haven't seen it for weeks now, because if Global is airing it at another time, I don't know about it (and I don't watch nearly enough tv to find out), and if it's not well first *more sobbing* and then ...who is airing it!?!

1 bite| bite me

Here's to you, raise a glass for everyone... [24 Dec 2004|08:55pm]
[ music | The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony ]

Today's attempt to get into the holiday spirit consisted of my making dinner for someone I knew wouldn't have anything for dinner otherwise. It worked. Even though I'm bummed out cuz Jane couldn't make it over tonight (stupid slipper roads!).

Dim sum + Fawlty Towers at Jenn's also rocked the casbah :)

Here's to them underneath that burning sun. Do they know it's Christmas at all?

8 bites| bite me

bah humshit [24 Dec 2004|03:17am]
I've been suffering from a major case of the holiday blahs. Nothing makes me laugh. Nothing makes me smile. I've also actually lost my apetite (tho not for black forest cake or butter shortbread cookies, so y'all will still love me when I'm fat right? I cant believe I just used the word "y'all").

So I thought what better way to get into the holiday spirit than to randomly give a card/present to someone who least expects it. On my way home from Roz's I saw my mailman at the bottom of the street.

So yes, I quickly wrote him a card and attached chocolates to the back and taped it all to our mailbox, awaiting that precious moment where my heart would be overcome with an enormous sense of holiday joy.

Yeah, it didnt work. :/
9 bites| bite me

[29 Nov 2004|10:05pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | EC ]

You'd think that you'd notice how I've simply chosen to fade
One fleeting moment I would have hoped I could stay
If I kissed you would you push my face away?
If I told you how I feel would you have listened anyway?
I miss you, more than words could ever say. I miss you, every single empty day.

19 bites| bite me

[20 Nov 2004|04:27pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

Jenn

a barrel of laughs, adorable, amazingly wonderful, a peice of luggage, a shoulder to cry on, beautiful, brave, bright, bubbly-happy, brown fungus, caring, clever, compassionate, cool, complex, crazy, cute, cute as a button, dedicated, determined, down-to-earth, energetic, fun, fun-loving, funny, friendly, friendly-as-hell, generous, giving, good-natured, gorgeous, hard-working, has the most infectious laugh, heartfelt, helpful, hyper, intelligent, inventive, loveable, lovely, loyal, "My Little Caffeine Fairy", other-half, passionate, personable, Philly-like, quick-witted, quirky, ridiculously clever and intelligent, silly, serious, smart, smiley, special, super cute, super duper kind, supportive, sweet, sympathetic, thoughtful, uber-smart, une jolie fille, warm, warm-hearted, wonderful...

Just a few of the words that we can use to describe you and what you mean to us. On behalf of all your LJ friends, Happy Birthday!

xoxo
28 bites| bite me

Chaa gayee phir wohi bhekhudi... [18 Nov 2004|02:14am]
[ mood | retro ]
[ music | Inteha Hogayee - Sharabi sdtrck ]

I think it's suffice to say that I have in fact lost it. Whatever it is, it's been lost by me.

You'd think that after being sleep deprived for the past two days, I'd be able to sleep last night. But no. I figure I've messed my body up so much that now when I do want to go to bed at a reasonable hour, my body is going to tell me to eff off. And that's just hunky-dory.

I hear Joshe-poo has the sickles :( I hope he gets better uber soon.

I needed a laugh and Farf ('Honey') gave me a good one (our msn convo):

Honey says: Nitin said the funniest thing right now
Honey says: he needs to know about pollination so he is like i've always wondered this, how do plants make babies.....i'm like what do you mean
Honey says: so he is like well when the plant and the bee does it....who gets preagnant
Fashion Bomb: haahahaahah!

This song puts me in an indo-retro mood. Which isn't a good one to study in. But I must get back to it :/

4 bites| bite me

Orgy [15 Nov 2004|07:35pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]
[ music | Personal Jesus - Marilyn Manson ]

The 'name', the word, the band...a word that encompasses so much. And extends over such a length of time in my life.

The first time I learned what the word meant was when this freaky Spanish guy who asked me what my name was, responded with something that sounded like Orgy. Well Georgie would make more sense but that wouldn't be any fun! I still remember Jenn and I saying it and thinking what a weird name that was. That was of course until Ned/Vanessa overheard us and shocked, asked us what we were talking about. That's when we learned that he really, couldn't have said Orgy.

A few years later, Jenn and I are on the 501 Bathurst Streetcar heading south towards Queen St. to pick up concert tickets from Rotate This. The giggly teens we were, our excitement created curiousity in the driver, who asked us what concert we were getting tickets for. Jenn replied with Orgy! and you shoulda seen the look on the driver's face. And the verbal reaction. Priceless.

And then just moments ago, a salesperson at Future Shop who was getting my email asked me why it was digitaldreams23 at blah blah...I said it was inspired by a song. What song/artist he asks. Orgy and I think he turned pink if not red (that woulda been more fun but I wouldn't lie to you). He then asked if they were Euro (I don't know if my sleep-deprived look makes me look like I listen to Euro but if he means that "gino" euro pop stuff...I'm gonna make sure I get 8hrs each night instead of the 3 I got this morning).

I think I should name my firstborn Orgy. Not to celebrate the guy (whose name I later learned was Victor), the word or the band. But just all the laughs this word has brought into my life. Tho I know my dad still wants it to be Amitabh Bachan but he can't get everything he wants.

13 bites| bite me

[11 Nov 2004|01:40am]
Best show right now: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Jai and Kyan can make any guy gay (I think...anyway).

Worst book right now: Desirable Daughters by Bharati Mukherjee. If anyone here has read anything by her, tell me how you feel about her writing style. Especially if you've read this one. Ugh.

How boring are my entries. I'm not gonna post til I have something worthwhile to say, which may be a very very long time. But I dont want to restrict my expression, though I've sworn I wont try to engage in any conversation around this house. It's like talking to a brick walls. No, make that brick walls with pickles stuck up their asses. I'm beginning to think it's genetic.

Lastly, why must everything I want to go to/be part of be happening this weekend? Ugh.
6 bites| bite me

[11 Oct 2004|03:22am]
[ mood | silly ]
[ music | New Sensation - INXS ]

I hate Mathew's accent (British - so shall I say I ate it!?!). We were talking about music and he asked me if I like...Deck and Dance. I said no, I dont even know them. wtf is deck and dance. He said they were originally Australian and blah blah and I was thinking...ok, I should download something by them and check them out cuz he kept going on about how good they are and stuff.

So then I'm sitting here, listening to retro live to air from Joe's (I'll ask again, why did they switch the name from Whiskey Saigon to Joe's!! eww). And it hits me.

He said Dead Can Dance. My god. I feel so dumb but it's his fault. Damn British (no actual offence intended!).

The '80s rock my socks.

26 bites| bite me

[22 Sep 2004|10:04pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | Forgotten Worlds - Delerium ]

Doesnt it suck when you have this one really comfortable shirt, which feels really great to be in and it looks great too! Well, that's until it starts losing it's visual appeal but it's still oh so comfortable. I hate when that happens. Why can't our favourite clothes be immortal. And if only I had found out that I'd love the shirt so much, I'd buy at least one other one, exactly the same!

I'm coming down with something - feeling feverish and irritable. All I want to do is laze around, though now is not the time for that. Got our first anatomy test coming up next week and it's on a shitload of material. So I'm not sure why I feel this way - whether it's due to mental/emotional turmoil that weakened my immune system, from which these physical symptoms sprang up or the way the weather has been changing (two days ago it was fall, yesterday and today it's summer again, the weekend will bring us fall again).

My mental turmoil comes from the pressure I feel I'm suffocating under this year. I've gotten good advice, but I've played the words in my head too often for it to get to me. This is my 2nd last year and if I want to get into grad studies (IF - I still dont know, which is the other reason for the mental imbalance) I've gotta do uber good. It's not as if my goal was otherwise this year or even previous years, but at least up til last year it was all about 'do your best, that's all that matters'. Now it's as if I cant tolerate anything less than an A. So that should make me work harder right? I guess - but that's not the kind of motivation that makes me want to work :/

But anyway - I thought I'd clarify something about my last post. No, I'm not bi. I adore women (at least some percent of the time - we all have our faults) but no (tho Angelina Jolie and Carmen Electra are humana humana). But I'm sure no one would really have a problem if I was! Cuz we all know, homophobia (or biphobia) = not cool.

8 bites| bite me

One more thing... [20 Sep 2004|08:56pm]
[ mood | silly ]

But it wasnt a rant so it'd be weird to put it in that entry so ya..

I think I'd like to be a guy for a day. No, a week. I'd love to just go around romancing girls, seriously. I'd tell them how even though I was dying to, I couldnt kiss them because the perfect gloss (however synthetic and unnatural) of their soft lips would smudge. Or how I'd so much want to run my fingers through their shiny, lustrous hair but wouldn't want to hinder the wind sweeping through the strands wildly. Or how I'd want to slip my hand around the curves of their backs....or lose myself in the dark, dreamy depths of their big blue/brown/green/hazel eyes, mesmerizing like...well, big blue/brown/green/hazel circles...(you try to come up with something better!).

I'd be a cassanova... taking the Arman legacy to new lengths, the way David and Mathew could never dream of doing.

Ok, it just sounds nice to talk that way about girls. Cuz if I EVER said anything even remotely like that to S...he'd run far, far away, screaming like a girl.

But ---- think I can still marry a hot pakistani girl who can cook as good as my cousins? Mmm...fooood.

5 bites| bite me

[16 Sep 2004|11:29pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | Tristesse de la Lune - Queen of the Damned Mix ]

Today's David's berfday! My dad is horrible though, he totally forgot. So I went out and got birthday cards and he'll give him moola when he sees him tomorrow. I did call him though and for the first time in a long time, he gave me brotherly advice. We dont talk much but we've been trying to more often lately and it was just a really awesome experience - telling him one of my weaknesses and having him help me overcome/combat it. He even quoted Seinfeld at one point! You dont get any closer than that :)

But my sister in law didnt recognize me and said it must be the wrong number when I talked. David was laughing his ass off when she gave him the phone and he said she's not used to people without desi accents calling and I sound too Canadian (while David has a touch of a British accent). I'm always the weird one.

My doctor scared the bejesus outta me today. She called at 930am, my mom answered and woke me up by yelling at the top of the lungs saying I had to go to the doctor right away. I tried calling her back, but I kept getting the answering machine. So I left home, preparing myself for the worst all the way there. Telling myself how one always thinks nothing can happen to them and now there was a doctor who got my test results and was way too impatient to see me about them, it couldnt be good news. Something was happening to me and I was freaked beyond words to find out what that was.

I got there and she asked me if I was the one who had recently had a baby. Umm......she didnt think it was me. And then confirmed she had wanted for another young lady to come in, a Mellissa Armand - which is very close to my name (at least the last name if not the first). Phew.

I attempted writing a poem in urdu today at work, but it sounds SO dumb :/ Oh well.
Head hurts. Beddy-boo time.

6 bites| bite me

Oh saathi re... [16 Sep 2004|12:15am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Bombay bounce was actually more bhangra, not filmi stuff. Which sucks cuz I wanted both, so instead we skipped out on the bhangra. We may just take this one then. But my mom's all iffy about it. She thinks dance is a waste of time but at least not as much as Farf's parents do (she got a really hard time with it today). My mom just wants me focus some of my attention on religion. Especially with Ramadan coming up. But it's weird. As much as I want to be more spiritual, I feel organized religion isn't my thing. It's hard for me to say because I'm just so unsure of all this but, I just see too much hypocrisy around me. I see people telling me to do things and then see them not engaging in it themselves. And there's so much holier than thou crap that I see too. I see too many people washing up for prayer but not cleansing their hearts or minds, cheating and backtalking between those prayers.

I know they're wrong and what the religion teaches is something else but right now these people are my guidance to what I'm supposed to do and what I'm supposed to become. What do you do when you dont want to be anything like them?

On another note - I was watching Muqqader ka Siqqander tonight (it's still on tv but I'm exhausted and heading to bed after this post), which reminded me....

My dad has decided that my first son shall be named Amitabh Bachan. Yay?

Tere bina bhi kya jeena...

20 bites| bite me

[15 Sep 2004|03:35pm]
[ mood | crazy ]
[ music | Linkin Park and hum tumhare hain sanam (at the same time!) ]

Someone PLEASE tell me why you can't send chocolate to the US? I mean, WHY? You could just few months ago! The post office told me to go to the FDA website and find some sort of code which I could bring back to them and then I could send it through (or if I just sent it through they'd most likely just send it back to me). Argh!

Does anyone send food stuff to the US (preferably from Canada), or else just know how I could tackle this? I've been to the FDA site but it's one hell of a mess and I doubt I need to do what I read about paying to import/export cuz I just wanna send a little package! Sheesh.

Oh and I finished reading Sister of my Heart last night. I wish I had a sisterly relationship like that with someone. And then I think I kind of do :) And I'm really grateful for what I do have even if it's not exactly like that.

Bombay bounce and bhangra is tonight! It's something I'm enthusiastic. Otherwise I'm a ball of anxiety when I think of my Neuropsychology of Abnormal Behaviour seminar on Tuesdays. We have TWO presentation components, and a separate participation grade. One of the presentations is a 20 minute one where we bring in an article and stuff (have yet to get more details, we only had the first class yesterday) and the other is a 45 minute (EEP!) session presented to the class with a partner where you either play the character of a person with the abnormal behaviour or you're the person who interviews that person. In front of the entire class.

Hi. I'm Mary and I'm hyperventilating. :/

21 bites| bite me

The look in your eyes makes me crazy... [13 Sep 2004|10:23pm]
[ music | blink 182 ]

Had my first Health Psychology class today. It seems like it'll be really good! I'm looking forward to immersing myself in the readings and lectures for this class, and Anatomy is really good so far too! But hopefully Farf and I will add some craziness to our week by taking part in some physical activities on campus too, this year. So far we've looked into dance classes - bhangra and bombay bounce! I don't know if it's to learn to dance it or just participate in it as a form of exercise, or both! They're each $65 for a full season or $45 for half a season (fall or winter). We were thinking of taking each of them for half a season, one in the fall and one in the winter. It'd be $90 that way but we'd get both. There are demo sessions happening this week so we'll check it out and decide if we do really want to take them.

Other than that, things have been ok. My mind is slowly starting to take it easy and just leave things up to time. Saturday helped the unwinding process, when Farf and I got an extra large pizza (which we almost finished, with my dad's help of course) and watched Fida (not bad but not good either...I loved making fun of it all the way through). But earlier in the day I was all pissy and bitched off at a woman who cut into line just as I was about to go up to customer service to pay a bill for my cousin who's STILL on vacation. I felt bad later but it was rude how she just went up and the CS rep just started helping her and then her debit cards wouldnt work and blah blah. I was feeling bad later on my way out, when a gentleman smiled and said 'hello'. I replied with 'Hi-lo'. Hilo. What the eff is a hilo. I didnt see him look at me weird cuz I walk to fast and couldnt see his reaction, but I probably gave him a laugh. And myself when I thought of it later, my hybrid of 'hi' and 'hello'. Yeah, I'm cool ;)

Pick me up now, I need you so bad...

2 bites| bite me

there is no blame, only shame [11 Sep 2004|12:28pm]
[ mood | disturbed ]
[ music | bush - comedown ]

This is going to be such a pathetically depressing entry, though I'll try for it not to be. There's so much in me that I need to get out but more and more, I feel it useless to get it out. It doesnt do a thing. It doesnt help anymore. I just babble, through words or text, but what does it accomplish? A few aww's or sympathetic glances, only for subjects to be changed at the earliest convenience, and rightfully so. What can anyone say to such a messed up, incredibly confused existence. Nothing. Just like there's not much left to say about it either.

when you beg and just complain )

17 bites| bite me

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