i think the people living in the building next to us purposely leave their shades open so i can satisfy my voyeuristic intetions. sheesh, who needs to watch tv? it can't get anymore real than this.

it's probably not a good idea that i flirt with the security gaurds in my building. they know where i live! i had one of them try to impress me with his huge flashlight. it was the funniest thing. the whole time i was thinking to myself, "does he really know how pathetic he sounds, marveling over his maglight?"

i'm thankful that (most of the time) no one ever really knows (exactly) what i'm thinking. if they did, they'd most likely be embarassed for themselves.

had bittersweet conversation with mr. big the other night. reminiscent of when we first met... of how even our anger towards each other was still filled with so much passion. it reminded me of just how much we both love... to love. the spiritual bond that binds us together, regardless of the different paths we take in our lives. so precious. even if i may never have that experience again. at least i can say that i did.

i know there was more i wanted to write about. but i am too tired. i can't wait till this clinical is over, so i don't have to wake up at 5am anymore. ugh. i'm so grumpy these days.. and today's tension headache didn't help any.

boo!

hopefully i will get my new desk tomorrow. *crosses fingers*

current mood: sleepy

which came first...



( trick or treat? )

current mood: silly

i found the cable for my camera, but when i went to upload the pics, my batteries died. boo!

it's friday already? turkey day is the week after next? um, wasn't it just halloween? this year has slipped through my fingers tears.

i've been called a drama queen. but that is just a mere consequence i pay for being a natural born drama magnent. it doesn't stop. it finds me. i try to run. i try to hide. i try to sit still and hope it doesn't see me. alas, never a dull moment.

gotta keep flipping the coin. tripping it up. running forward till my legs give out. or i pull the trigger. whichever comes first.

i mean, cut off my tail and..... regenerate. yeah

it's november. the second part of the six month transition that always happens to me. by may, this will happen again. you would think i would have learned to anticipate that by now.

never fails. it's clockwork. just like my period. except october. that was really fucking scary.

hmm. re-evaluate.

two books i've been told to read. the 48 laws of power.. and the art of seduction.

but i'm learning to overcome. not to overcompensate.

♥ you. miss you. and still trying to figure out why.

i guess it's one of those things that shouldn't be questioned.. even if it really doesn't make sense.

maynard says...

"And I listen for the whisper
of your sweet insanity
while I formulate denials
of your affect on me."

current mood: weird

"widows web" or the "witches room". that's what my aunt calls my bedroom.

now i never have to leave this space. unless i have to go to work, or get something to eat... or leave the building.

i'm all set up. i've got my stereo, my DSL and my cable tv. i love having my own master suite. i have my own seperate bathroom and a huge ass walk-in closet.

i can watch tv and play on the puter, or chat on the phone and listen to the stereo. or do all of it at once. i've got it made yo!

the only other place i'd need to go is to the jacuzzi. gotta relax my spoiled ass.

hehe

current mood: silly

i knew something was fishy when maggie called to tell me that she needed me to help her with something after work. (on a friday?) and that marc was coming too. (he doesn't work on friday's). he called me a few min after she did to tell me he was coming into the office. maggie said he's "picking me up" and bringing me to the school. (i take the metro to work now, therefore i didn't have wheels with me). she was really vague about what we were going to be doing. so right of way i knew *something* suspicious was going on. i aksed him if he knew what it was, but of course he played stupid.

they really tried very hard to keep this from me, but i had already figured it out. so i just played along. when we finally got to the restaurant, there was balloons and a witches hat waiting for me. they sang happy birthday to me (really loudly) as i walked in. of course that embarassed me and made me turn red, but it was fun. even if i did sorta suspect it, i was still surprised.

all week they kept telling me that we were going to do something on saturday for my birthday. when all along it was going to be a friday surprise. those sneaky bats!

thankfully i had my camera in the car, so i made one of the kids go get it. now i wish i could find my usb cable so i can upload all my pics from my birthday party and halloween.

i went through all of my boxes the other night and showed my aunt all my cool stuff. i never realized i had so many toys. now i can't wait till i get furniture so i can put my stuff away. yesterday we went to home depot and ordered new blinds for our windows. they were having a special on carpet, so guess what? that's right folks, i get new carpet too!! she let me pick the color for my room. she got a light blue and i got red. it's a texturized mixture of cranberry and red, so it's pretty rad. eventually she's going to tile the main room/dining room area.

yay for new carpet!

in the next few weeks i will be looking for furniture. i need a new desk and a dresser. eventually i'm going to have my 12 drawer dresser shipped over, whenever i figure out how much that's going to cost. ugh. i've still got my car registration and insurance crap to deal with.

i think whatever virus that was trying to sneak into my body has finally decided to give up. i am much too strong for it! muwahahaha. i was feeling hellish all day yesterday, but today i feel better. tomorrow i get to take the day off. but tues, wed and thurs i'm at the hospital again. boo! it's ok tho. i get to see a buncha cool shit when i'm up there. craniotomy anyone?

all of my clothes smell like eucalyptus and spearmint. note to self: never leave your sugar scrub in the suitcase where it can get crushed.. always hand carry it!

current mood: weird

i just found out that i can fly from ft lauderdale to long beach (non-stop, round trip) for 100 bux. omg. i should not know this information. this is bad bad news.

so the other day we had a video shoot. it was lame. but the production guys were rad. of course they HAD to be from LA.. so we had a lot to talk about since i had just come in from LA the night before. they were fun to flirt with too. turns out the guy that did audio is actually from bakersfield. talk about a small fucking world. sheeezus. they wanted us to party with them that night, but marc and i both had to be at the hospital at 6:30a. it wasn't gonna happen.

they reminded me about the awesome deal through jetblue.

so if any of you peeps wanna come visit me...

i made it through my birthday alive. considering i almost got run over walking home from the metro yesterday.

i'm sick now. i woke up with one of those nasty sinus things. now my head is all shtuffy. i took some sudafed. and now i'm about to eat popcorn for lunch.

i've been feeling like shit for the last week. so i decided to look cute for work today. it's all about my poofy lil pigtails.

we've been doing clinical for the last few days. i'm teaching marc how to collect data from the operating rooms. i'm still with him in clinical for most of next week.. and then i set the boy free. i'm confident he'll do a great job. we just have to iron out the kinks.

i got hit on by one of the scrub techs yesterday. i wasn't amused. he practically cornerd me in one of the OR's and asked me for my number. i was highly irritated. that certainly wasn't the time or place for that. the circulating nurse was already upset that we were in there. so i just gave him the number real quick and tried to walk away. he called me while i was on my way home last night and i let him have it. i told him it goes against my professional work ethic to get involved with anyone i have to work around, so i wasn't interested in "hooking up". hehehe. he didn't seem to like that too much. oh well. too bad.

i got a birthday card from my dad. it was really nice. he picks out the best cards. i got a whoppin' crisp new 20 dollar bill!! woohoo.. my dad sure is a big spender. lol. i'm not complaining though. i'm surprised i got anything. and that he even remembered. that's saying a whole lot right there. this *is* my father we're talking about.

we got our dsl yesterday, but they didn't send us the home networking stuff. so i have to wait just a lil bit longer. grrr.

i have halloween pics i need to post. i'll put them up sometime this weekend. my aunt told me i looked like a whore. *lol* i said, well then i definitely put the "trick" in trick-or-treat. hehehehe.

i'm at work, so i guess that means i probably should be working.

oh my gawd. they're playing candlebox on the radio. i haven't heard this song in years. how weird. it must be the 90's lunch hour or something.

thank goddess it's friday.

current mood: sick

today i have been alive exactly 27 years.

i keep waiting for it to get better. but it's always just one tiring moment after another.

wake me when this life is over.

"I think I've reached that point
Where giving up and going on
Are both the same dead end to me
Are both the same old song

I think I've reached that point
Where every wish has come true
And tired disguised oblivion
Is everything I do..."

current mood: blah

i should be in bed. i have to get up at 5 and be at the hospital by 6:30, but of course i can't sleep. not just yet, anyway. first i must throw away my emotional garbage.

i can't figure out what exactly it is i'm holding on to. or even why i'm holding on. the questions remain.

what do i want? and is it really worth this much pain confusion?

well, i know what i want. so, no.... it's not worth it. he's not worth it. i've known this. so why do i keep giving in? i've never felt like he's given me anything substantial, to feel like he's worth it. . maybe just answers to my questions. but nothing that makes me feel like i can plant seeds and grow with them. it's always up in the air. and i know in my heart that he never will. he's too scared of himself to do such a thing. to be absolutely sure of anything. emotionally that is.

i'm old. i'm tired. i can't live my life in that dream-like state anymore. i need stability. i need my feet on the ground. i need someone to keep me sane. i need to know that i truly mean something special to someone. and that i'm not just like "everyone else".

there is only one of me. and before i make the decision to compromise myself for one person, they have to be worthy of it.

i don't want to grow old alone. i have to stop this. i have to be strong. i need to stop hanging myself like this. such a fool i am.

i'm in so much pain, that i can't breathe. i wish i could vomit him out of my heart.

still haven't found the reason for all of this.

after only talking to me for a few min on friday... a stranger told me i was "gold".

right now i feel tarnished.

current mood: crushed

it's all about me and halloween haunt tonight baby.

it's chilly out. i love it. i miss the weather here. the longer i'm gone, the more i appreciate california. it's a good thing.

for a while there i was getting pretty homesick. now that i'm home, i miss it... but i know i still belong in miami. for now anyway. until life decides to throw me another curve ball. i'm having fun, and enjoying my time there. even if i do miss my friends terribly. i'm glad i got to see my dad for a few days. regardless of how angry he makes me, he's still my father and i'll always love him. it actually feels good to say that i don't live here anymore.

packed up some boxes of the stuff i can't live without. i will have to come back in january, yet again, to ship my furniture. i just don't have the money for it right now. but at least i'm able to have those little things that make me happy. it was fun wrapping stuff and telling breeze the stories of how i aquired each piece. i'm bringing most of my spider collection and the pictures and stuff to decorate my walls. i'm finally going to be able to hang my nightmare before xmas clock i bought two years ago... that is still in the box! my dad gave me the big picture of him and my mom. the last portraits they took together for their 25th wedding anniversary. the same year i celebrated my 16th birthday. i remember how upset i got when he took it off the wall when the stepmonster moved in. i think it's been sitting in his closet ever since.

i really miss my mom. i haven't been to her grave since i put her in it. i think i'll go out there before we leave tomorrow. i'll be sure and say hi to my sister too.

tonight we finished making our t-shirts for halloween. they look so cute. i'll have to take lots of pictures. we're going to look so obnoxious. i love it. we're going to the monster massive at the sports arena. i finally get to see DJ Irene. wooohooooo!!!! i am one -very happy- spider girl.

this weekend is going to be busy. saturday there is much shopping to do, as i need sheets for my new bed. saturday night i'm finally going to get to see some hockey. sunday i'll finally get to relax with mr. fish before i go back to miami.

*yawn* yikes, it's passed my bedtime! i go sleepy now.

half of california is on fire again. i remember when this happened in 94, and then again in 96. i'm going to be SO mad if they cancel my flight into LAX because of the fires. this can't wait. i have to go home.
( so many things, i keep holding in )

current mood: annoyed

i fell off my balance beam
without hormonal excuse
then lit up another cigarette
for more self-inflicted abuse

the pain comes from within my head
but it hurts my heart the most
tenacious and unyielding
my memories are like ghosts

lost in a familiar world
where foreign language is the key
unsure of where i'm going
or what's to become of me

so i'll lock myself up in this fortress
and continue to live someone else's dream
where no one can touch me
or hear me scream

nothing makes me happier than dancing around my room (like an idiot) listening to ministry. i'm definitely in the halloween mood. i'm so excited, i can't STAND it. *squeak*

the weather is boo-tiful today. i want to carve pumpkins.

i want to go to halloween horror nights. but no one to go with. BOO!

i almost bought black hair dye and new sunglasses today. but alas, i managed to walk out of the store empty handed. hehehe

however, there is no telling what trouble i will get into, tomorrow. the aunt is gone until toozday. i have the house to myself. w00t.

i stole this from kylses it's ironic how my life can be metaphorically summed up in one comic strip. hehehe



dance with me.

current mood: excited

it's friday, i came to the office early this morning, since i'll be leaving earlier this afternoon. it's casual day, so that means no scrubs for me. yay! it's all about the jeans and t-shirt.

i just left the corner to use the lil girls room. (that's what we call the office, since it's literally IN the corner) i ran into the neighbor in the office across the hall. she stops me and says, "are you my new neighbor?" i said yes and proceeded to point to the sign on the door and tell her that i am Dr. K's RA/laboratory coordinator. we chit chat for a few min about the place and what type of research we do..etc.

THEN she says to me, "you look so young... like a kid". mind you, this chick doesn't look any older than me. maybe late twenties early thirties. she could even be younger.

i laughed it off and said maybe it was because i'm not wearing any make-up. (i have it in my bag, i just haven't put it on yet..hehehe) or maybe it's the t-shirt and jeans.

but damn, she said i looked like a kid! maybe i should be flattered by this, but i'm mostly offended. only because i don't want people to not take me seriously. especially around here. i'm just a few years shy of 30 for goddess sake.

(pauses for a moment to ponder that thought)

YIKES.

yeeeah, anyway..

maybe i should start wearing my glasses to work. hmmm

i can't stop listening to sade. she relaxes me.

i have many many many thoughts running through my head on a regular basis. everyday, all day. sometimes they don't even let me sleep at night. i'm always wondering about this, that or the other thing. contemplating, ruminanting, obsessing. you know, the usual manic monica thing.

but i never seem to resolve anything. i mean, anything lately.

i hate that.

i haven't even had the energy to write in here. i want to, but i lack the motivation.

i feel like keeping my thoughts to myself for a while.

speaking of which... i will now go back to pondering the meaning of my life.

current mood: contemplative

the countdown has begun.

yes, that's right my friends. today is october 1st. to kick off my annual halloween shopping day, i stopped by walgreens this morning and bought a stuffed black kitty for my desk (at work). it's so cute!

i also bought a candle to light for margaret. she's been in the hospital since yesterday.

it's true. i'm official!

i took my braids out. i put coconut oil in my hair to condition it. ewwww it's greasy. but at least it smells good!

the tickets have been bought. i'm going back to cali for a few days in october. yay!

i'm getting sick again. my body aches. i'm blaming it on the rain. i got soaked in the thunderstorm yesterday. damn this weather.

i wanted to go back to space on saturday night. i got itchy feet and wanted to dance. but my body said no way man and it wouldn't let me do anything all weekend. i could barely drag myself out of bed and take a shower. afterwards, i just crawled back into bed and slept all day.

and i'm going back to sleep in a minute. after i get my work stuff ready for tomorrow.

no one to bring me tea. no one to hear me whine. no one to fluff my pillows. no one to tuck me in. no one to rub my back.

do i sound pathetic yet? heh

shut up. i'm just mopey cuz i don't feel well.

*sniffles*

current mood: sick

i want to write about the great time i had with velvet_valkyrie i want to read everyone else's journals and make silly comments. but it has been a looong day. instead, i'll just show you a picture of us.




i'm not sick. i just talk too much.. and now i have laryngitis. but i'm told that's when i sound my sexiest. hehehe. oh yeah and when i just wake up too. people have called to wake me up, just to hear me. it's flattering, yet annoying all at the same time.

one of these days i will talk about the super sexy hot man stuff i get to work with. our new clinical coordinator started last week. jesus, mary and joseph i don't know how I DO IT. i feel like we should move his desk across the room so we dont talk so much. hehehe it's ok though, i like being able to get along well with my co-workers.

i love my job. (insert stupid grin here)

i go sleepy now. team meeting tomorrow. ugh. those take up most of the morning. maybe the boss lady will be in a good mood and let us leave early.

i still can't believe i live in miami

so just in case you're wondering, i am a happy spider girl. :)

but, happier when i get random phone calls in the afternoon from cute people.

oops! did i say that out loud?

my bad.

couldn't help myself.

purrrrrr

current mood: sleepy

i feel restless. i think it's cuz i've been stuck in this house all day. gettin' cabin fever. however, i did spend quite some time on the phone today and worked on my website a lil more. so i managed to stay a lil busy.

i ditched work on friday and did some shopping. that was fun. thankfully i didn't spend too much money. now i'll be stylin' in my new skirt... and smell pretty too!

i forgot to mention that i went to see pirates of the carribean again. with charlie. that was fun. i like being spontaneous. great movie, awesome company. what more can a girl ask for? :)

the aunt comes home tomorrow. i'm happy. now the house won't seem so lonely. i don't know how i did it when i was living on my own. but then again my job kept me very busy. i do remember getting bored sometimes, but that's why i was paying 60 bux for digital cable. to keep me occupied on the downtime. i did go to the gym a lot too. which i haven't started doing here yet. i also started clubbing a lot back then as well, and i'm not so sure i'm going to do that again. but, you never know. i'm notorious for doing things i say i'll never do. so i've just learned never to say never.. hehehe.

i could use the exercise

i do have good news! my aunt finally sold her house in baltimore, and so we're going to be signing the papers for our new condo on tuesday. i haven't seen the place yet, but i got a chance to check out the floor plans.. and OMG.. i'm going to have my own bathroom.. AND my own balcony. my cousin told me this place has valet parking, for tenants! crazy shtuff man. we're suppose to be moving in by the end of october. because of this, i will have to move my plans to visit cali around a lil bit. but that's no big deal. at least i'm still going to knotts scary farm. i'll cry if i miss it this year.

another piece of good news. erina, one of my bestest friends in the whole wide world, is coming to visit me for a few days. we're going to celebrate her birthday. she'll be here wednesday night! i'm soooo excited!!

i love the fact, that no matter how far away we are.... we're always going to be friends. and it's true friendships like that, i cherish the most. it's times like these when i think about the people that flow in an out of my life for whatever reason, but whom i can truly call my "friend". it's true what they say, good friends are hard to find! (but sometimes you can find them in the weirdest of places)

i called mary today to make sure she was alright. she's an older woman who's had some bad luck in her life, but is getting herself straight. her and i clicked instantly from the very first day i met her. she likes it when i call her "miss jackson" and sing to her whenever she comes in my office. i tease her and sing, "mary mary, why you buggin'?". she doesn't know it, but i hear her telling others about me. about how every morning i see her and say good morning, or ask her how her day is. maybe she's just not used to people being nice to her. but i adore mary. she called me on friday to ask why i wasn't at work. it was like my mother callin to check up on me. heheh. it was cute. i certainly appreciate it.

sometimes when life gets you down, you don't think people care.. and then the phone rings.

on that note.

dear mr. fish,

i miss you. feel better soon.
♥ Monica