| ignore, please |
[06 Jun 2004|08:56am] |
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| beautification |
[13 May 2004|09:13pm] |
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mood |
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 happy |
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I couldn't sleep, so I made a new layout for ![[info]](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20040613135839im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) granger_girls, and changed my journal a bit.
Tomorrow Daddy and I start to pack, and I am now done with school for the rest of my life! Then we get to drive all the way to Washington. I can't wait to see all my babies.
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| - monochrome love - |
[10 May 2004|09:51pm] |
I remember things in black and white
Old dirty shoes and a stunt flying kite
Blue skies are grey and so's your hair
I love you forever. Pinky swear.
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| death and dirty wreckage makes the little girl cry |
[09 May 2004|10:04pm] |
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mood |
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 blank |
] |
Every day I watch the clock, and wait for the day to end. I pass idle time waiting for the next disaster to happen. Is it stupid to admit that I have PTSD? The WTC Health Registry sent out pamphlets for various recovery options, for things like substance abuse and academic problems. I don't want to be one of the weak ones who just can't get over it. I was not the only one there, for fuck's sake. Nothing even happened to me. It's almost as if I'm feeling sorry for myself. And that's something only assholes are allowed to do.
Daddy's coming on Wednesday to help me move out. I haven't told him yet that I'm not coming back. He'll insist on seeing my room before I clean it up, and he'll want to go out to eat for every meal. That's ok because my mind is jello and I'll probably get straight F's no matter what. I'm taking next semester off, but I think I might quit school completely. I really think I hate it. There used to be a goal: get into a good college. But now that I'm here, there is nowhere to go. I have no ambition. I wanted to be a research scientist or at least a doctor, but I don't think so anymore. Now I just want to sleep. And wait.
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| one more time |
[04 May 2004|09:38pm] |
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mood |
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 sleepy |
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music |
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billy idol |
] |
I'm thirsty for diet coke. But sometimes I wonder where all those chemicals go. I read in some diet book that they're stored in fat cells but that doesn't make a lot of sense. In what form? Are they actually turned into fat? That's not possible. My old doctor told me that aspartame is a neurotoxin. Brain poison? But it tastes so good.
I introduced my sister to OC Remix yesterday and she introduced me to Neo Rauch. I think he might become one of my favorite painters. Acting is not an art. It's deception, and that's why I'm good at it. Being anorexic has made me extremely comfortable with lies.
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| 愛 |
[03 May 2004|10:52pm] |
I wish I had this
.jpg)
to hang on my wall.
My father doesn't seem to know how to do anything for himself or for anyone else. It's always, "You and your mother can do that when you come home," or "You know about this kind of thing, you'd better take care of it for me." He's never really had to do anything himself, so I can't blame him. He's made all the money that we love so much to spend and he thinks his job is done. He's retired now, so he gets to relax and let his devoted family serve him for the rest of his days. How about my mom? He nearly drove her insane with his abnormalities and irrational demands. She's never had a vacation in her entire life. Now he's back together with his Harvard Zen buddy, so he gets to run away to his house whenever things get complicated. Then he calls to tell us about the poetry he's writing and the beautiful experiences he's had and expects us to be as content as he is. But we all love him, and we still take care of him anyway. He's never going to see straight and that's fine. He's the Daddy and he loves us too.
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| je suis mort |
[02 May 2004|09:52pm] |
I want to write something good, but everything since march has been either neutral or negative, or not worth thinking about. Losing weight, failure, lateness, sleeping, waking up, music and books. C'est tout.
Somebody honked and waved to me on the street yesterday. I couldn't tell who it was so I didn't wave back. That happens sometimes. I wonder who these people are who think I know them. Some guy I'd never seen before stopped me on the sidewalk and asked "Hey, you drive that Jetta, right?" I said "Yeah," and he said "I like that car." Thanks. Who are you, and why are you trying to communicate with me? I don't understand why anyone would start a conversation with a complete stranger. I don't have anything to say to you.
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| pieces of sky |
[27 Apr 2004|11:37pm] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
] |
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music |
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OC ReMix |
] |
a hot blue sky on a summer afternoon
the shiny pink nails of the girl by the pool
We said goodbye to that midwestern paradise with no tears that I saw. I left a lot of my love there. The sky is what I'll miss the most. You can't see Orion from our new back yard, and there's no place on the roof for me to sit. The towering pine trees have started to suffocate my mother, so now she's looking for a small piece of beach to buy. If she finds it, I think it will be my new heart-place. Our house was perfect. I guess it still is. I never used the pool again after New York. The last time was the last day of summer in 2001. I was wearing an orange bikini and there were several boys and men mowing our lawn. They might have been staring, but I didn't care. I thought it would be my last chance to sit in that particular patch of sun. So I closed my eyes and sipped my diet coke and tried to soak up all the happiness I could. That place by the pool and the spot of roof outside my bedroom window were my home.
Memories have a way of ripping my heart out. I have too many of them, that's the problem. I keep uprooting myself and leaving chunks of my heart behind. But that's the way it goes, and I guess it couldn't be helped. My mangled heart felt better when it knew it could go back home.
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| like sushi on a kaiten |
[25 Apr 2004|07:11pm] |
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mood |
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 nervous |
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I think the boy called yesterday, but I didn't pick up. He probably wanted to tell me about the delt party, but I didn't want to hear it. He still doesn't get it. Calling me at every opportunity is only going to make me hate you.
And that's it for today. If I make it to class tomorrow, I'll start the diet again. If I don't make it, then I guess I'm screwed. I've decided finally not to come back next semester. I love my mother so much. "Do your best. It's very important. Don't fail anymore, ok?" She's the only one in the world who could say that to me with nothing but love. If I don't get in to UW, I'll be a part-time student and keep whatever summer job I have, and apply again next time. There's the plan. But I still don't know what I'm doing.
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| school's out for-ever |
[23 Apr 2004|09:16pm] |
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mood |
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nervous |
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**Thank you Jen, you made me so happy! All that pink makes me smile.**
Today was no different. I didn't even set my alarm. Around noon I went to the library, and the mall bookstore and got some more King. Tomorrow, I'm giving the hollywood diet another chance.
The boy called again. Twice, really. He wanted me to pick out a shirt for him. He's DJ-ing a delt party tonight, and I told him to wear the white-grey one. He called again five minutes later, and it kind of pissed me off. He had a picture to give me, and he wanted me to check out the shirt I selected. I think he might believe he's a lot better looking than he really is. So I put on a big sweatshirt so I could hide my thighs, and went downstairs. I expected him to be sitting in a couch like last time, but the lobby was empty. I felt eyes on me, so I turned around and saw him standing by the door. Almost posing, and wearing sunglasses. He looked good, and I was happy with the shirt. He looked almost like a video game villain. He took off the sunglasses eventually, and tried to pull it off like he had forgotten he was wearing them. Anyway. The drawing is great. It's a picture of me way back when I was still Eliza Doolittle dressed raggedy-pretty and sitting on a stone pillar. It looks nothing like me, but I like it. He wanted a hug, but I didn't give him one. I didn't want him getting his hopes up again.
Later, Daddy called from the road and he was so incredibly happy that I sent him a NASA news update. He likes me because I'm the only kid who still talks to him. He thinks they hate him, but I know they don't. He just doesn't know when enough is enough. I asked him to find out if there were any waitressing jobs available for me and my sister at the place where S. bartends, and he started laughing. "S. is kind of a lady's man. I don't think you two will have any trouble." Daddy thought S. was hitting on me when we met, I thought he was just being nice. I never want Daddy to find out what a horrible job I'm doing in school. He has so much hope, and I can't stand it when he's disappointed. He thinks I'm perfect.
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| fine. |
[22 Apr 2004|09:19pm] |
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mood |
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groggy |
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I gave up on the diet. I guess I didn't feel like it. Maybe tomorrow. I also skipped classes again. Going doesn't even feel like an option. I'll go eventually, I have to. At least I'm enjoying this small vacation.
The boy will probably call tomorrow. He'll want to do something this weekend. Maybe.
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| absence |
[21 Apr 2004|10:59pm] |
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mood |
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 distressed |
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I haven't gone to any classes in a week and a half. Tomorrow, I want to go but I'm nervous of course. I just don't want to fail. And I don't want to be asked too many questions.
I've been sleeping a lot and reading Stephen King. I only leave my room to get food or books from the library, or mail. I wonder why I always give up at the end. This semester started out much better than the last, but I gave up after Spring break. Moving was tiring, but that's not an excuse. I just get scared. I don't know what I'm doing and I'm afraid someone's going to find out.
The boy called yesterday, and we talked. A real conversation without any bad thoughts from me. I do like him, I guess. There are two reasons why I stayed away for so long. First, he was getting too interested, and I was getting sick of him always being around. Second, I got fat. I didn't want him to see me unless I was as thin as I was in the beginning. So tomorrow, I'm starting the "Hollywood Celebrity Diet" again. It worked for me once, I hope I can do it all the way this time. I'll refuse to see him until Sunday. While we were talking, I kept thinking about how he's been in my mind all this time. He was in a few dreams, and usually not in a good way. But I have started to think of him favorably again. Just a little. He told me that I'm the smartest, most talented person he knows. I guess he doesn't know many people, so that may be true. But I'm also the biggest screw-up. He doesn't know that. I'm a great liar.
I'm really nervous. I hate it when I do this, but it seems like I had no choice. I couldn't go. Does that make any sense? I don't last very long. It's nice to think about taking a semester or a year off, but not realistic. I'm already behind. I'll never get out if I don't stay on my feet.
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| love affair with the sandman |
[20 Apr 2004|12:05am] |
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mood |
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 angry |
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Dr. Pepper lip smackers and Great Lash mascara in blue. These are the things heaven is made of.
I planned to go to classes today, but didn't. I got up in time, got ready, then somehow fell asleep again until 3 pm. Why... is this happening.
Sleep is a drug and I am addicted. I can't stay out of bed for more than an hour. After that, I literally collapse. What the hell??
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| a body full of bricks |
[18 Apr 2004|11:38pm] |
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mood |
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 busy |
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music |
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something good |
] |
I've decided that I really don't like eating at all. It's disgusting and unnecessary. I try to be normal and healthier, but I'm not losing so obviously I'm eating way too much. Don't argue with me. It's amazing how much shit I can eat without gaining weight. Which means I've reached maximum density this time. I can also cut it down and down until there's nothing left and not lose a pound. I'm stuck here, and it's ok. I'm not hideous. But I'm not myself. I feel like I'm carrying a lazy child on my back. She weighs me down when I run.
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| A life. Not my life. |
[16 Apr 2004|10:15pm] |
[mood| incompetent]
So... Summer's almost here. I'm thinking seriously about not coming back to this place. As long as there are no F's this time, I will be ok. I am not the type of person who fails classes. It makes me think that something is wrong. Is it my major? This school? Or it may be that I am not meant to be alive.
Tomorrow, if I can wake up, I will go to the gym. Then to the library to make up some work and maybe check out a book or two. On Monday, I'm going to class. That's the plan.
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| push me, and i'll go that way |
[13 Apr 2004|08:36pm] |
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mood |
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 crappy |
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I didn't go to class today and there is a 100% chance that I will not go tomorrow. Every time I do, I fall asleep 5 minutes into the lecture. It's like torture trying to keep your eyes open when all you want in the world is to let them close. I suppose I must be sick. I feel fine except that I now require nearly 20 hours of sleep a day.
My mother called this evening and I told her class today was fine. She suggested to me that time off might be an option. For a while I considered not coming back, then L. called wanting to know if I still wanted that single in her suite. Whoops. So I guess I'm staying for at least one more semester. Less trouble that way. The goal now is to not fail any more classes. Time off will come later and it will be an immense relief.
...I haven't run in almost a week and I can feel myself growing fatter by the second...
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| good life |
[11 Apr 2004|09:24pm] |
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mood |
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 grumpy |
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music |
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john mellencamp - hurts so good |
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I wish I could stop thinking. I want to turn it the fuck off. That's the appeal of throwing yourself into it completely. Starve the body to silence the mind. And let all the other stuff take care of itself. It usually does. The problem, is that you can't keep that up forever, especially if people are on to you. But at least for a while you have one good thing.
I didn't like being called anorexic. But it doesn't matter because that's not what I am anymore. Now I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
I miss the nerdy boys from junior high. I liked our little group: the geometry nerds. The 8 lucky kids who got to skip chorus to learn about triangles. There aren't a lot of good nerds in college. I guess most of them grew out of their passiveness and became those annoying intellectual guys who dress like they don't want to have anything to do with you. Maybe this school isn't big enough. Everybody comes from the same place. I'll leave soon. And find a bigger school with better nerds.
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| whisper |
[10 Apr 2004|07:14pm] |
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mood |
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lethargic |
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The best thing in my life is sleep. Books and sleep, they're almost the same. Lately, everything else has just been in the way. I'd like to sleep for a month. Like a bear in a cave.
There's a secret cellar door inside a house nobody's seen.
A runaway like you will know exactly what I mean.
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| ................honey from the bees................ |
[09 Apr 2004|10:15pm] |
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mood |
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 hungry |
] |
blinded by the light
shoot a bullet through my heart and then
confess it to the night
hands without a glove
time's a thief, my heart still beats so
tell me: do you love?
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| sweetness |
[08 Apr 2004|07:32pm] |
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mood |
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crushed |
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There was a kid selling chocolate bars outside the grocery store today. I heard him make his sweet proposal to somebody as I was walking in, but I paid no attention. I thought about it as I went up and down the aisles, wondering whether or not I would be charitable and buy one.
I finished my shopping, then paid for my things and left. The doors opened as I approached, and the sun blinded me the second I stepped outside. I blinked and stopped to adjust my grip on the bags. Then a voice, barely audible, from my right: "Care to buy some candy?"
I looked and saw the shadow of a boy standing behind a box full of chocolates.
"Sure," I said.
And he was cute. So cute that I was almost blinded again.
"One dollar," was his reply.
"Ok." And I fumbled through my purse, knowing I only had 20's. Blessedly, one golden coin surfaced just as I was losing hope. A dollar coin from the post office stamp machine. "Here." I looked up at him, his grey eyes, and brown hair that was in need of a cut.
"What kind?" His voice again, very quiet.
"Oh- . This one." I took one and smiled. Bashful because I had almost been staring. He just looked at me with his grey eyes.
One more half smile, and I turned and walked back toward my car. I'm ashamed of myself for thinking of such a young kid like that, he couldn't have been more than sixteen. But I just couldn't help myself. He looked like a sweetheart.
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