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mood |
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i can't even begin to tell you |
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music |
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cats playing out in the loft; my, they're a loud bunch |
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It's January aaannnd it's almost halfway done. Like a cake. Baking in the oven. But if it actually took 31 days to bake a cake, who would want to go through the trouble of baking one in the first place? Therefore, no more cake. Which = sadness. Because cake is good. Especially Manz's chocolate birthday cake. Mmm.
Anyway, I was getting at the fact that this time last year, I had a prom date already secured. Granted, he's a flaming "I Like it Up the Butt" type now, so I don't know if I should even count prom as a real thing. Goddamn I was a bitch that night. But he deserved every second of it because the fucker almost went back to New Mexico with my credit card and he didn't pay me back a freaking penny of what he owed me. (He owes me about $300. I did the math.)
Too bad I never got him to write down an agreement on him paying me back. I'm such a shit. I'll never make that mistake again.
I digress again. I'm actually thinking that by the time AP Exams roll around at the beginning of May, I'll be prom-date-less and won't attend my senior prom. But, when I really think about it, I'm not worried because there are so many other things I can do that night if I don't have a date. (And no, I will not be attending if I do not have a date. Going "with friends" is miserable because all you fucks will have dates and I will be the proverbial fat one in the corner with a Snickers bar and Diet Coke(tm).) I could throw my own "Fuck the 2005 Senior Prom" party - at Calvin's of course - and just get down with friends that night, for example. Formal wear not optional, kinda like Jessi's Homecoming party. It would be a fun excuse to get dressed up and get shitfaced. Ooorrrr I could piss around until midnight and then we could all do a bonfire thing and stay up/out all night in a sort of camping environment.
I don't know why I'm even thinking about this. Prom = 5 months away(ish). I have more important things to think abou-- wait, no I don't. So, there we go!
And now for something completely unrelated. Calvin & I are on good terms, still. Despite our drunken screaming fights, slamming doors in each other's faces, and harsh words, there's something underneath our surfaces that seems to be able to overlook everything and keep us together. It's a totally weird and to-a-T Love-Hate Relationship. I hate to love him and he loves to hate me. It's rather confusing, we've both admitted, but at least we're confused (beyond all belief) together. And somehow, that's more comforting than one of us knowing what's going on while the other one still can't figure it out. I'm actually enjoying being confused, but I doubt I'd be OK with it with anybody else.
I'm OK with being confused with Calvin because we know each other so damn well: I can tell he's upset the second he lets his clutch out a certain way if he's driving; he knows I'm upset when I'm hiding it with a smile; he knows he can tell me to not clean his apartment but I'll do it anyway; I know he hates metal against teeth and he knows I hate when paper products screech together (like cardboard box flaps); we know exactly what the answer is when we haven't asked the question; the list goes on and on. I can't quite tell yet if it's the perfect relationship or not. I mean, of course it isn't, because there's always something missing that we dare not even try to test out. We don't want to get intimate with each other for various reasons; not to mention we can't get intimate with each other for one main reason: a cute little blonde girl that plays soccer, hosts like a badass, cares for the both of us equally, and keeps up at parties with the rest of us. Because, however, we don't want to get intimate with each other, it should cancel that factor out. Thus, the situation of not being able to tell if it's the perfect relationship or not.
Now, to learn to control my spouts of jealousy and need for attention. It's all good; these things come with time. Sooner than later, I'm sure. ;)
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content
german!
drained
sleepy
awake
working
irritated
annoyed
dorky