Today, I awakened, though reluctantly, and made my way to a 9:00 am meeting at Applebees. 

Riveting.

A millions miles away, okay maybe less, but anyway, an Iraqi citizen awakened to election day.

I begrudgingly took a shower, put on very little make-up and got dressed up, casually, for someone, I just don'g know or I don't remember who.  I hate the days when my hair looks so fabulous, but there is never anyone around to appreciate the difficult and arduous work it takes to keep this coiffuer looking its curliest. 
Damn this inhumanely large campus, among other things (and people.)

But there are, afterall, more important things in life.  I bring you back to our Iraqi comrade.  Whilst I am here bemoaning my comfortable, coddled and somewhat emotionally unstable American existence, this person is braving militants, bullets, bombs and Allah knows what else just to make his/her opinion count, for once.

Kind of puts things in perspective.

Anyway, things here are copacetic.
I am not really looking forward to working, but money is good
and means I can do fun things, like visit people I miss, ALOT!!!!
And, it means that I can finally stop burning up my campus cash and feel a little less in debt.
Oh, and I can buy gas too, that's important.
Hopefully free elections in Iraq, mean cheaper gas in my coche.
Who knows.

I am sure there is something constructive I am supposed to be doing right now, but I just don't really feel like it.
I am in love with the sound and feel of typing and seeing as how my computer has crapped out on me and I don't have the luxury of writing from home, I think I will extend my time here, in good old Lockwood, just a little longer.

Hmmm, what else to tell.
I had a great time last night. Went out with Miss Ary and some new friends; Erin and Meg.  They fabulous people, I hope our love abounds.

no help for that

there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled

a space

and even during the
best moments
and
the greatest
times

we will know it

we will know it
more than
ever

there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled

and

we will wait
and
wait

in that
space.

-Charles Bukowski

Just thought I would bring a little levity.

Ha!

What to say about these days?  They are lonely, yes, but not nearly as lonely as they would have been a year ago.  As I walk around and talk to people I realize that more and more I sound like some kind of self help book espousing my new found philosophies on how to deal with the travesties that come along with being no longer young and not yet old.  I need to realize that the wisdom I have found is a personal wisdom.  It belongs to me only and is distinctly unique, for we must all find our own way in our own time.  It took me many years to realize this. 

And one thing I have realized is that there is an incredible feeling in realizing that I have no idea...I have no idea about the future, about the motives of lovers and friends, I have no idea about the nature of the universe.  This realization has opened up to me an entirely new world.  Everything is live and in color again. 

I also realized, by coming back here, that Buffalo is no longer relevant in my life.  Granted I love the city and I have missed my friends, but there is very little left here for me.  I am very aware that I am beyond this and that its time to move on. 

I am, however, glad to be back.  Whether or not the city and its certain inhabitants are glad to have me back is subject to debate, but I really don't care.  I have adopted the "Whatever" philosophy.  This states that I can only live in a way that I feel improves myself and others.  I can only be the change I wish to see in the world.  And if people want to be a part of this life I am creating, then I will be happy to have them aboard and if they would rather stay at the station whilst the trains pulls away, then fuck them.  I don't need to surround myself with people that don't take me seriously.  I am not the most amazing, talented, incredible human being, but I am excellent enough for people to want to be apart of my life, at least I think.  As for those who leave, they just put the book down at the good part and I feel sorry for them that they will never know the ending...its going to be incredible.

Anyway, I'm just rambling, just more train of thought bullshit for the masses to quickly dispose of.  In the past, they would have wrapped fish in the paper this would be printed on, nowadays, they just leave nasty comment...ahhhh, technology. ;)

"How did we go so fast, we'll say as we are looking back and then we'll understand, we held Gold Dust in our hands."

Until next time...Appreciate what you have for what it is, not what you want it to be.

current mood: Inciting a riot

With my apologies to heliumglow , who turned me on to this in the first place.

This monologue is from a movie called Fall, by Eric Schaffer. I'm not even kidding when I tell you that you need to run out this instant and find this movie.  His movies are well written, funny, wry, heartbreaking and beautiful.  I'm glad Xtian posted this, because its one of my favorite parts of the movie.

Take it for what its worth.

Michael: I've wanted to tell you for awhile now.
I wanted to say it as you reached for a tea cup in your kitchen that night after we fought about why do we always have to eat Chinese food on your floor and then made up.
I wanted to say it as the moonlight shone in on you as you slept in your bed the first time we made love there, when I felt your heart racing against my chest, in your sweet foyer in Spain when you first saw your roses even though I wasn't there, but mostly I wanted to say it the last night I saw you, as I held you in my arms looking down at your precious face knowingly looking up at me still inside you, quiet motionless but so inside you.
I wanted so badly to tell you that...the words each time graced my lips like an imposter only to fall away like some great blizzard that was taken out to sea to reign its fury on the dark ocean alone, unbeknownst to any hearing.
I pray that you can hear them for what they are, feel them for what they are and not mar them with the knowledge that they stand apart from your ability to reciprocate them. Please take them in your heart and feel them with your eyes closed and your soul open for just a moment my voice speaking them softly in your ear with a kiss.
When your head lightly moves to dance, when your tongue finds my lips, when you ramble over a glass of wine, when you sit naked after we've made love, when you act boldly, when you laugh, when you squeeze my hand, when you call my name in a gruff whisper, when your heart races on my chest in a close embrace, when you love me.
What I'm sad about is selfish, I'm mad at God's timing. I'm only a man, and as a man I miss you. I miss you terribly. I miss your kiss, I miss your smile, oh how I miss your smile, but most of all, I miss the moment that hasn't happened yet. The moment when you let yourself fall for me. What makes it hard for me is knowing how much you care for me, how much in a way you do love me, how much you would enjoy smiling wryly as you hurled yourself backwards off the cliff and said, catch me baby. If I didn't know that I could make you a villain, me a victim and soothe myself, but I can't because it isn't the truth. The truth we both know. The truth is, not today. I know that you're not leaving Philippe for me and I wouldn't want you to, I would want you to leave him for you. I also know you would never fly a million miles just to see me smile at you, someday maybe, but not today. So I guess I had better disappear, Sarah. I know you'll be okay and soon I will be too; and maybe just maybe if God so desires the day will come when as friends we will find ourselves accidentally strolling along the white cliffs of Dover or the mountain rocks of Mendocino, or the emerald north of the Scottish seaboard or the glistening harbor of old New York and from the heights in the stars amongst the angels who's arms will cradle us in a moment neither of us was told about but knew like our oldest happiness we will look into each other's eyes and know it is today, it is today. And whether that day is tomorrow or next week or next year or next lifetime I will finally get to tell you to your sweet face, the face that I will miss more than I could ever tell that I love you, I love you, ah baby I love you, and you'll smile wryly close your eyes say catch me baby and fall.

Luscious.

current mood: Dry your eyes, mate.