| i thought i knew myself so well |
[12 Feb 2002|09:58pm] |
he came into target today. i couldnt even remember why i could have ever looked at him twice. then he came closer and he cared. that's why i liked him so much. i wasnt one bit physically attracted to him, but emotionally, it was crazy. he could have gotten me but he was too preverted. once in a while he would ask me if i would fuck him and when i said no, he wouldnt stop questioning me on why i couldnt.... but he paid so much attention to me. i need that. i'm selfish. kill me.
perhaps it was his ghettoness. i've always wanted that. perhaps that's what it is with the other him, because it's not physical.
i never thought i could feel the things i feel.
sometimes i really hate myself for thinking of her with good thoughts.....
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| fundamental leraning |
[12 Feb 2002|12:05am] |
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the eraser has smudged the make up on my face
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| eric the wise has fortold it |
[11 Feb 2002|03:29pm] |
"i think that shit's disgusting."
"i saw her tits already and then some."
"i heard u fuct him"
"boo hoo."
"i only wanted your pussy."
that's what she gets.
that's what THEY get...... if i were him, i wouldnt want to look at my dick any time soon..... or ever..
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| if i could |
[07 Feb 2002|07:27pm] |
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i really suck at this comfort thing. i dont know what it feels like to be comforted, therefore i cant comfort... i could give a fuck less if ne gave a fuck about me... as long as i knew the right way to make other ppl know i care about them
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| i always was but i realize now: |
[07 Feb 2002|12:32pm] |
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i have been deleted.
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| dead gurl |
[01 Feb 2002|01:37pm] |
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i knew someone would bring it up. there's too much settling in the past... but i guess there really isnt a choice when that's all that's left of her. blah
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| breakfast thoughts |
[27 Jan 2002|10:56am] |
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i spent my saturday with ppl i havent known is too long. things are better, ppl are stronger, while i feel like i'm just standing in the corner looking in. i want to invite the others, but i dont think they wish to be invited ::on the inside they do:: i wish i would have never let go in the first place and clung to a relationship such that i have with the boy.
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| so what are u? |
[25 Jan 2002|11:08pm] |
everytime i drive home from work i feel the need to go somewhere. the onle thing is, i have nowhere to go. i could always go to mike's but all that is is a house full of drunk teenagers who use the only bedroom to smoke up in and play drinking games and PS2 all night. when i first started haning around them, it seemed alrite. yeah, i hate weed, but at least they took it in the bedroom, u know?? i thought i could have some intelligent convo with them... but i only thought that cuz i was drunk at the time.......... i hate being under the influence of anything. it reminds me of too much.
when i'm alone in my car at night, i always get this urge to visit old "friends." that feeling was so nice.... so far away, yet so near....... i want to be able to look in the mirror and see if my eyes are dialting, dance forever, and talk with ppl i wouldnt normally talk to because i was doomed an introvert and i'm completely insecure and shy......... but it's NOT REAL... and that's something i've grasped, but tend to hate qute freqently... if only i was an extrovert.
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| since it's not being a bitch |
[22 Jan 2002|03:32pm] |
five LAST movies you saw at the theater
-a beautiful mind
-orange county
-cats and dogs
-antitrust
-????????
Five LAST books you read
- scarlet letter
- a leslie dick one
- kicking
- american skin
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Five LAST concerts you went to
- staind
- gufs
- stabbing westward
- the lovilies
- slipknot
Five LAST movies you rented
- hedwig and the angry inch
- american pie 2
- all dogs go to heaven
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Five BEST movies
- requiem for a dream
- dirty dancing
- nightmare before xmas
- stigmata
- slc puck
Five BEST RECENT CDs of the moment
-requiem for a dream sdtk
-pink mizundastood
-linkin park
-ray's house
-some shit
Five BEST T.V. Shows
-the simpsons
-er
-e! true hollywood stories
-cops
-real world
Five BEST things in life
-being accepted
-cheese raviolli
-smiles
-nice days
-great hugs
Five WORST things in life
-racism
-when ppl put down other ppl's music just cuz it's not their taste
-britney spear's body
-hate
- shitty dads
Five MOST RECENT triumphs
- i talked to someone other than josh for more than 5 minutes
-crying
-telling the kids at my work that they dont appreciate anything
-going somewhere with kate
-telling josh the truth
Five FAVORITE movie characters
-frankie ::stigmata::
-harry ::reqiuem::
-gia ::gia::
-legs ::foxfire::
-john nash :beautiful mind::
Five FAVORITE T.V. characters
-marge :: the simpsons::
-carter ::er::
-the drunk redneck woman ::cops::
-josh ::popstars2::
-someone
Five BEST soundtracks
-reqiuem
-cable guy
-mallrats
-orange county
-dirty dancing
Five BIGGEST fears
-being alone
-SI
-my daddy dying
-hyper dogs
-snakes
FIVE great women with great voices
-alanis
-pink
-tori amos
-free dominance
-love
Five things you consider MOST personal to you
-SI
-the dead girl
-my daddy
-my skin
-my twat
Five LAST movies you saw
-stigmata
-a beautiful mind
-hedwig and the angry inch
-american pie 2
-orange county
Five LAST songs you listened to
-some song i dont remember
- wisconsin death tirp ::static-x::
-""
-""
-""
FIVE music ppl/groups you hate
- i dont hate any. it's not up to me to deem what is "good"
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| too bad he's blonde and has bloo ::i say green:: eyes |
[22 Jan 2002|03:18pm] |
i've been completly social like today. i dont see how i can be tied to my bed one night, wishing such distant ppl were there cuz i had a "razor to my wrist" to wanting to fly around and be a "ben-like." ben brings out the best in ppl, although he can be bit of an ass... ::no offense:: he can take the humor out of anything.. although i have this fear that he's me in 8th grade. sadness...... the same with stina........ i really needed her that night....... but just knowing she would have been here if she could was good enuff.. although at the time.... i really really really needed her...............
i second allison.
i have off this weekend... who will help me enjoy it?????
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| cost him |
[09 Jan 2002|05:12pm] |
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i havent written in here in such a long time.... but with me, i guess that matches the rest of my social life. i'll start to get close with someone again only to totally let go seconds later in my fear of losing them. i figured this out today. i'm not shure what brought on this......... i want to say the dead girl... but this didnt happen after her... this is recent... about a year recent. i'm lost in a crowd of familiar faces, yet i dont stop to awknowledge any of them for help.
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| and the bored sister said: |
[08 Dec 2001|05:25pm] |
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i shot myself in the toe
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| solutions |
[03 Dec 2001|03:30pm] |
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i ran into hobbes, i havent seen or talked to him in a real long time. it reminds me of planet.... should i or shouldnt i???? that's something i really shouldnt get into.. possible trouble.... but maybe that's what i need in order to not feel like SHIT
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[29 Nov 2001|03:54pm] |
netscape can kiss my ass... so can my brother... my mom swears up and down how she doesnt want him around, that she just wants him to be okay. that's bullshit. things are gonna fuck up just like they did before. they just need to put him in jail and leave him there. no one would miss him. fuck. he's only around when he wants something..... who would miss that?????
i stubbed my toe really hard. dont u remember when u were little and u stubbed yer toe like every other day? that shit sucked. i was a bleeder... i dont bleed very much ne more.
ben's the grinch.
i wanna be a gurl on the magazine.... the beauty queen... dream on
damn angelfire to all hell too.
i find it funny that when other ppl try to take pictures of u yer all like "nO!" but when yer at home by yerself... u take several pictures of yerself, all the time..... i find it odd... perhapss it's because we're always so afraid that they picture will come out looking terrible... u should know that it will. we're all ugly sonsabitches.... unless yer britney spears, that is.
suck my butt.
i dont think i'm in a good mood.
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| for one.............. |
[21 Nov 2001|03:46pm] |
i'm over it and i couldnt feel ne better... now instead of ME being the intimidated one....... HE is... and that makes me feel wonderful!!!!!!! i dont want him to feel that way... but for once it's not me. (: i'm excited.
it's so easy to be lifted up yet the fall happens so quickly
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[20 Nov 2001|10:33pm] |
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i shake so violently, like my whole life depended on any words he may speak that may come off as something totally different. the words that i read into only intensify it all..... shake shake shake......... calm down! i wish i didnt want so much from certain ppl i know i cant have ne thing from. i'm not good enuff... and how come all the guys who say they look at the girl based on her personality always brush me aside and all the ones who look at faces and cockholes... welcome me with open arms???
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[19 Nov 2001|07:12pm] |
i have a tendancy to call ppl, '"babe" or "hon" or "honey"..... yet if somone calls me "sweetheart" "babe" "hottie" "dear" etc, i cant accept it and i feel odd.... really odd. i wonder if i make ppl feel odd? perhaps it's different cuz i call them that ALL the time... and the ppl who call me these names only speak to me once in a while... i'm not a great friend maker.... i push away... the only way someone gets close to me is if they pull... i've lost to much that was close to me...... push. push. push.
my dad sent me a bday present in the mail... it said not to open until 11.25.. i dont think i can wait that long... maybe he got me the furbee i wanted!!!! woo hoo! i'd be so excited... i miss havin him around. he used to be such a prick... but he's changed a whole lot.
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| brite days |
[08 Nov 2001|03:46pm] |
"in the french quarter the liquor flows like milk and strings of bright chear beads hang from wrught iron balconies, adorn sweaty necks, scatter in the street, the royalty of gutter trash, guady among the cigarette butts and cans and plastic Hurricane glasses. The sky is purple, the flare of a match behind a cupped hand is yellow, the liquor is green, bright green, made from a 1000 herbs, made from alters. those who know well enough to drink Charteuse at Mardi Gras are lucky, because the distilled essence of the town burns of it, your eyes wil turn bright green" -poppy
i talked to MiNei today... that made it great.
cheer up, charlie.
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| top ten |
[06 Nov 2001|11:33am] |
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i'm doing an article on horror movies for my journalism class. could u guys type me up a list of your top 10 favorite horror movies? it doesnt have to be scary as in like AHHHHHHH it could be one of the funny ones... or stupid ones, i.e. Texas Chainsaw Massacre. thanx!
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| i want to rip his heart out just for hurting u |
[05 Nov 2001|09:17pm] |
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u know how old ppl ask what u want to be when u grow up? some old guy told me i should be a model. that meant a lot coming from an old guy. i asked josh if i could. he simply agreed. maybe i was just being a girl but i think he agreed to simply be agreeing. i think every girl wants to be a model though. it would make u feel so beautiful. ::before u yell at me, every girl but kristina wants to be a model:: ... i dont want to be a size 0 and weigh 85 lbs and have no tits and i dont want to wear silicon and nothing at all weighing 125 lbs ::40 lbs of boob:: i just want to be like how i am now and know that ppl think i'm beautiful. maybe this had something to do with my dad saying, well, if you'd do this then you'd be pretty or if you'd do that you'd be pretty and not so fat. ::sigh:: thank you old man. u gave me a nice thought. it's a shame compliments dont last as long as scars.
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