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a long sigh.. [22 Oct 2003|01:43am] [ mood | stressed ] I haven't given up on this journal, I swear. I know it's been a long time since I put forth the effort to write anything. I haven't been feeling like myself, whatever that means. I just realized that I have exactly one month from today until my master's thesis defense. Then my thesis has to be turned in by Dec. 3rd, or I don't graduate this quarter. It's starting to become a possibility I have to deal wth. Two weeks after dumping a copy of my thesis off to my advisor and getting reamed for my (lack of) progress, I don't feel like I have accomplished much. I have never struggled so hard in all of my life to get something done, and to do it well. I get mad at myself for "only" working on it 4 hours a day, with 5 hours going to work and 3 more to research and homework. I don't know where the other 5 hours a day go when I'm not sleeping...I hate to obsess over this, but I've been fucking miserable and I can't even take a weekend off without feeling horridly guilty about it. I guess I have a month to shit or get off the pot. I can't wait to have my own life again. smack, baby, smack!

[26 Sep 2003|06:11pm] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | Generation 80s Retro - [Full? Try Mirror:Gen80s SELECT] New Wave & Alternative Classix | MoDerN RoCk , New Romantix, Dark Wave, Brit Pop & Club Trax. ] What a strange week it has been. First off, I have completely lost my voice and for 2 days tried to get into the student health center to no avail. I'm sure it's strep and I'm infecting every single person I come into contact with, but apparently the $930 I fork out every quarter for insurance doesn't garuntee any kind of *actual* healthcare. Of course, I could always go to Urgent care which my insurance does NOT pay for. They said they could get me in Monday...which means only 3 extra days of misery. Oh boy. Started school again on Wednesday. I was starting to get all nostalgic and sad about graduating, but the first day of school cleared that right up. This is kind of fucked up, but I had a lot of people telling me that I "looked great" like I lost some weight or something. I've counted 4 people now who have said something to this effect, in 2 days of classes. What the fuck? I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be flattered or offended. I've never been what I would consider skinny, but at 5'5" and 125# I've never considered myself overweight either. I have a fairly large frame for my height, and a decent amount of muscle tone. I always told myself that I was built like a woman, big ass - small waist - big boobs. Now that I'm down to the 115# range (going vegetarian and eating better in general has caused me to lose about 10#) people won't shut up about how much better I look. Even people Don works with said they didn't recognize me at a party we went to last weekend from the older pictures on his desk. One of them even said, "oh, she's a lot thinner than I thought she would be." I don't even know why this pisses me off so much. Really people, as if there isn't already enough to obsess over and be insecure about. I struggled enough with eating problems when I was in my teens. I don't need this shit now that I've become comfortable with myself in my 20s. If you can't say something nice (without a you-used-to-be-a-cow-but-now-I-think-yer-hot) then keep your fucking pie hole shut. 1 cracked actor| smack, baby, smack!

haha [23 Sep 2003|05:05pm] [ mood | busy ] I just met Dawon whilst gassing up my scooter. How cool is that? Just so happens it is my second random co-incidental meeting of an online friend this week. We should hang out some time? smack, baby, smack!

trivia [22 Sep 2003|01:25pm] [ mood | bored ] seven things that scare you: 1. Needles 2. Failure 3. Losing people I love 4. Myself 5. Time 6. Needless hatred 7. Fanaticism seven things you like: 1. Sleep 2. Sex 3. Music/Art/Literature 4. Good food 5. Animals 6. Vespas 7. Clothing, shoes, and makeup seven things you hate: 1. Idiots/Meatheads/Bimbos 2. Mindless consumerism 3. Cars 4. People who constantly talk about their religion 5. People who constantly talk about any personal dogma (e.g., Republicans, militant vegans, etc.) 6. People who can't separate their likes and dislikes from their personalities, and get totally insulted when I remark that I think a band/artist/food they like sucks. 7. Beer seven Things On Your PC Desk: 1. Grape imac 2. Lots of CDs, disks, and mini DV cassettes 3. Books 4. Empty glasses 5. Ash tray/Cigarette butts 6. Postcards and pictures of things that make me happy 7. A cat, sometimes seven random facts about you: 1. I was almost born in a teepee. 2. I can never decide whether I would like me if I wasn't me, or not. 3. I have never been able to do a cartwheel. 4. I have a fetish for cool hair, on either guys or girls. 5. I have never been in a fight, but feel for some reason that I would totally kick ass. 6. It's super easy to hurt my feelings. 7. I don't plan on growing up. seven things you plan to do before you die: 1. Have a good time 2. Build a time machine so I can have sex with Ziggy Stardust 3. Write a novel 4. Inspire people as much as they have inspired me 5. Learn to speak a few more languages 6. Understand the point of it all 7. See the pyramids seven things you can do: 1. Make art. (This is harder than it sounds) 2. Bake a mean German chocolate cake 3. Sew, not too well but getting better all the time 4. Hold a meaningful conversation 5. Find good in people, if I try 6. Dance 7. Finish my thesis seven things you can't do: 1. Handle rejection 2. Take harsh criticism 3. Deal with real life sometimes 4. Give up caffeine 5. Stand to be broke 6. Bowl 7. Finish my thesis seven things that attract you to the opposite sex (no particular order): 1. A great mind 2. Nice hair 3. Tall and proportionate 4. A great sense of humor 5. Great ass 6. Androgynous features 7. An indescribable vibe smack, baby, smack!

I love these things. [22 Sep 2003|12:33am] [ mood | okay ] [ music | Generation 80s Retro - [Full? Try Mirror:Gen80s SELECT] New Wave & Alternative Classix | MoDerN RoCk , New Romantix, Dark Wave, Brit Pop & Club Trax. ] ENFP - "Journalist". Uncanny sense of the motivations of others. Life is an exciting drama. 5% of the total population. Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test smack, baby, smack!

goddamn it [21 Sep 2003|06:49pm] [ mood | cynical ] Some jackass knocked my scooter over yesterday. I parked it on campus to go to a rehearsal, and locked it up on a bike rack in a tucked away spot between buildings. When I came out 3 hours later it was leaning on the back wheel, with the whole front end tipped and snagged on the bike post. Luckily there was very little damage, just a few scratches here and there. I was lucky that the bike rack caught it and my cowl didn't get dented. The fuckwad who did it did manage to flood my engine, however. So then as I'm push starting the bike on the sidewalk between buildings a VERY helpful pencil dick remarks "Gee honey, I think you need a mechanic." I told him I didn't fucking need a mechanic, or his opinion, and that my scooter ran just fine when drunk ass football fucks weren't tipping it over. He must have saw the crazy look in my eye (trust me, I was so ready to rumble at this point) and got very apolagetic all the sudden. He immediately said he was sorry and hoped I had a nice night!? I hate, hate, hate this town on football Saturdays. I'm sorry people, there is absolutely NO reason on the planet to watch sports. There is no excuse for enjoying watching sports. Hey, you like to go out and play sports, I can totally respect that. You appreciate the grace of the human body being pushed towards its physical limits? I can respect that too. But when it is nothing but congregating en masse in my neighborhood, watching a bunch of big meatheads (hey, only 2 or 3 football players go to jail every year, that's a pretty good average!) run into each other, drinking until you can't see straight or behave like a human being, and then wrecking things there is NO excuse for it. And the city of Columbus practically sucks the dicks of the football team, "because they bring money to the city!". Well, they also bring a whole lot of shit that the locals end up putting up with, and I'm sick of it. Did I mention that today is also move in day for all the freshman living in the dorms? I can't wait to get out of this place. smack, baby, smack!

Yeaearrrggghh [19 Sep 2003|01:43pm] [ mood | Scurvy ] Ahoy, it be International Talk Like A Pirate Day. smack, baby, smack!

Something Funny.. [19 Sep 2003|11:09am] [ mood | lazy ] Here's some great Wedding China. smack, baby, smack!

in my defense [18 Sep 2003|12:05am] [ mood | restless ] I do own a few high school sports t-shirts, chucks, a few hoodies, and cabbie hats. And I do carry my digital camera around sometimes. But GOD, I'm NOT a hipster! Right? Oh well, it still gives me a good chuckle to think of taking the card into Larry's on a Thursday night. I have issues this week. Serious, deep, dark, scary issues that I don't know how to deal with. I'm not usually a depressed person. I'm usually fairly motivated and can keep myself on track. I usually enjoy the company of (some of) my fellow human beings. I don't know what is going on this week. I've picked up a motherload of ennui and enough self loathing to choke a horse. I love this time of year, and I hate it. It's so cool watching summer turn over into fall, but for some reason it always turns me into an introspective nightmare. Introspection and depression can be great if I'm turning it around into good art (tm). But right now all I'm doing is pacing around being crotchety and stressing myself out further by not getting any work done. Bleh. Tomorrow, another day. smack, baby, smack!

too funny [17 Sep 2003|05:34pm] [ mood | amused ] I heard people talking about this over the weekend. Now I realize I need to carry a card around Columbus at all times. Hipster Bingo Did I mention that while in NOLA I didn't see a single skinny emo turd kid? Score one for the south. smack, baby, smack!

uggggnnn [15 Sep 2003|01:26pm] [ mood | exhausted ] This is the roughest monday I can remember for a long, long time. I am sitting at work, huddled up in my hoodie freezing my ass off in the AC (when it is actually really nice outside) struggling to remain coherent. It was a fun weekend. Tons of scooterists came into town from all over the midwest for the Columbus annual rally. Between helping to plan and working on things I had tons of time invested in this rally. For the most part, everything went really well. There are some pictures up on Scoot.net. We were missing a few of the regulars and their presence at the rally was definitely missed. On the way home Sunday I lost one of my irreplaceable silver stars from my bike. If anyone sees it laying around, please pick it up for me. :( Now, again I have my "monday real world" depression. I just want to go home and go to bed. I spent the entire morning unloading and setting up construction scaffolding for a rigger on this performance project I'm working on. My whole body is aching, not to mention still hung over. Plus, I have a sore throat and am COVERED in mosquito bites. Ok, I'm done complaining now. Well, not quite yet. Read something about Moped Mania Mondays at Skully's where a group of people are trying to get a scooter club started in Columbus. What people? Who? Where? And why are you calling them mopeds? LOL. Oh well, what do you expect from something read in the Alive's Meltdown column. I don't know who Miss Bella or Selene Lavinia are, but if I ever see them walking down the street I will kick their asses just on principle alone. Then they can put my name in bold print as the girl who placed a steel toe grinder where the sun don't shine in a certain amateur columnist. smack, baby, smack!

some musings [10 Sep 2003|12:29am] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Generation 80s Retro - [Full? Try Mirror:Gen80s SELECT] New Wave & Alternative Classix | MoDerN RoCk , New Romantix, Dark Wave, Brit Pop & Club Trax. ] Just a little something I was thinking about last night before I fell asleep. Needed a break from thesis writing. The Sadness of Places I first began to understand the sadness of places when I was 10 years old. I was riding in the car with my parents; sharing the back seat with my grandma (who incidentally in her 70-some years never learned to drive) and watching the scenery go by. This was about ten years before the monoculture totally moved into the small city with huge Wal-Marts and Meijers on every corner, but the seeds of it were already showing. As the Krogers, Sunocos, and cookie-cutter suburbs passed by the window my grandmother suddenly became very quiet. It was my dad who finally picked up on her thoughts, and broke the silence. “Sure does look a lot different these days, doesn’t it?” he posed. My grandma was very close to tears. In a broken voice she related that when she was a freshly married young woman the Krogers and Sunocos were nothing but wide open fields, where she and my grandpa would visit to get away from the city and enjoy a walk or a picnic. My grandpa was gone; and so were the places they used to visit. Soon, she would be gone as well. Somehow in this moment my brain grasped for the first time in my life what it meant to grow old, what it meant to lose things that were once important to you. Suddenly I felt the entire weight of her sadness bearing down on me, and the selfish thought entered my mind that someday I would experience and fully understand it too. That is the sadness of places. I still think of my grandma quite a bit these days. She has been dead for almost 10 years now. I have very few pictures of her immediately available, and sometimes when I try to remember what her face looked like I find it hard to recall. And yet, when I think of my grandma’s house there is not a single detail I can’t recall. I drew the entire floor plan from memory one day on a napkin in a bar, just to see if it was true. I remember rubbing my fingers over the dime from 1936 that my grandpa set into the cement base of the front door when he built the house. I remember the pattern on the linoleum floor in the kitchen that I used to trace with my feet and the smell of my grandma’s old peculator brewing coffee. I remember her giant bed in a room with lilac walls and what seemed like hundreds of Avon perfume bottles reflecting light onto every surface. I think of that house as I remember it, and realize that it does indeed still physically exist today. But it will never exist as it does in my memory; I will never see it that way again. That is the sadness of places. Sometimes at night I pace the hallways of our 100-year-old house, and I think of all the people and all the lives and events that have passed through the very place I am standing. I see the housing developments creeping in on the country land I used to run wild on as a child. I tell myself that places cannot remain constant. Places must come and go, just as people must come and go from our lives. Yet to think of the people who have passed through my life, never to return, is too much of a sadness for me to bear. The places will always be there, even if they are reduced to just bare earth. But in my heart I know the places without the people will never be the same, and I feel a familiar weight in my chest. That is the sadness of places. smack, baby, smack!

[07 Sep 2003|02:50am] [ mood | drunk and covered in glitter ] [ music | an evening of glam ] I still haven't written about it, but we up and took a road trip to New Orleans last weekend. Nothing, and I repeat nothing, can make a weekend in Columbus suck like spending the previous weekend in a city like New Orleans. Not only was it completely worth the 15 hour drive there and back to hang out for 2 days, but I would turn around and do it again this weekend if I weren't so broke and busy. I'm ready to move, just have to finish up a few things here first. Had a very Skully's weekend. I still think their 80's night is pathetic compared to a weekend with Brian and Gerald spinning at Jacob's. They were playing some really great stuff when we got there early, New Order, Depeche Mode, etc. Then as soon as the dance floor starts to fill up it immediately degraded into "bad early 90's night" with songs I used to make fun of when I was in 8th grade. Bleh. Saw the Epoxies last night at Skully's as well. They are totally an amazing band, despite a lot of technical problems (the bar's fault, not their's) thoughout the set. In fact, when I get around to starting a band I wouldn't mind sounding something like the Epoxies, a definte compliment in my book. So, back to Skully's again tonight for glam night. Since the flier pushed a lot of Bowie I had to check it out, even though I knew it would probably be disappointing. The flier also pushed dressing up, so I bought a little extra glitter and took an hour getting ready. When, o when will I Iive somewhere where I can go out and not be the most dressed up person in the entire club? I swear this town needs to learn how to loosen up. It really does need a big 'ol fashion enema or something. I think I've seen enough of Skully's for awhile. I can't believe how quickly it is getting chilly outside. I forgot my jacket on friday and came home freezing to death. I'm starting to think I must be repitilian, since I don't know any normal people who get the chills when it is 65 degrees outside. My sister came in town too, which was nice. I wish I wasn't soooo busy all week and we could've hung out a little bit more. I think sometimes, if I survive the next 3 months I will be ok. Tomorrow, I have to get back to work. Back to the real world. Ick. smack, baby, smack!

a little progress [27 Aug 2003|02:15am] [ mood | accomplished ] 1 cracked actor| smack, baby, smack!

procrastination [27 Aug 2003|12:29am] [ mood | lazy ] [ music | Just the fan blowing ] A typical day of working on my thesis: 10:00am - Drag self out of bed. Microwave cold coffee left over in pot. Decide to watch TV while I nurse my coffee. Inevitably get sucked into watching Dr. Phil or other useless drivel. 11:00am - Feel guilty for wasting an hour in front of TV. Head upstairs. Open up Word and look at progress. Get frustrated. Sort through morning email. 12:00pm - Feel guilty for wasting an hour. Finish up writing 8 thousand emails. Vow to get started on thesis immediatly. Right after a smoke break, that is. 12:30pm - Come back from smoke break, after getting sucked into conversation with roommate/neighbor/mailman. Go back downstairs for a cup of water. 1:00pm - Return to Word. Get annoyed that thesis has not written itself in my absense. Start writing, then realize I am lacking research to support paricular paragraph. 1:30pm - Begin searching articles online for research. Get distracted by Friendster. 2:00pm - Realize I am hungry and need to take a shower. Take shower. Go downstairs to prepare Ramen. Watch TV while eating Ramen, getting sucked into a show that involves re-decorating someone's house. 3:30pm - Return to Word. Have fun IM conversation while trying to collect thoughts. Geez, is it hot in here or what? 4:00pm - Determine it is too nice of a day to be inside. Find excuse to take scooter out for a ride. 5:30pm - Return to computer, only to find 8 thousand more emails. Reply to emails. Realize my checkbook needs to be balanced. Balance checkbook. 6:30pm - Greet husband, realize I have pissed away yet another day. Decide to cheer self up by going out to dinner. 8:30pm - Friend drops in unexpectedly. Keep mentioning I must work on my thesis (tm) but agree to smoke a bowl anyway. Have funny conversation. Sit on front porch. 11:00pm - Return to computer. Whip self into shape. Actually sit down and write! Wow! 12:00am - Take smoke break. Get distracted by Livejournal. 12:30am - Back to work! 3:00am - Crash, reminding self to get up early tomorrow to get more work done. smack, baby, smack!

awake and dreaming [24 Aug 2003|11:55am] [ mood | sleepy ] Two things important from my sleep the last 2 nights: The first is a dark haired guy I dreamed was Drew's boyfriend. Drew fell in love with him, but couldn't accept him for who he was. When he finally left out of frustration Drew pretended not to care, but I found the regret-filled letter in his apartment. Everything was so detailed I could actually read the handwriting. Will ask Drew if this is something that actually happened or something symbollic. Second dream, I am in New Orleans and I want to find an island in the swamp that I have read about. I'm not sure if the island really exists or not. An older black lady in a row boat offers to show me where it is. As we are drifting along, she tells me my fortune by way of many words of wisdom. Yesterday I could remember a little more of what she said, today it is gone completely. Grrr. smack, baby, smack!

on the bright side... [21 Aug 2003|12:15am] [ mood | flirty ] The high point of my day was having a wonderful (if not a little frustrating) conversation with a very stimulating person. You know who you are. ;) 1 cracked actor| smack, baby, smack!

cleaning house [20 Aug 2003|12:39pm] [ mood | nostalgic ] Separating the wheat from the chafe, the junk from the slightly less junk, the facts from fiction. Old note cards, clippings from magazines, pages from books are tossed away. I laugh to think these things were desperately important to me once. Crinkled pictures are not of me or my friends, but people from another lifetime. I pace the hallways of the house as familiar furnishings disappear, attempting to recollect the sense optimism I once held. Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like? Reflecting back after all this hard work only to realize you haven't climbed, only maintained? What good is it to be successful when you can't predict what will happen in the lives around you? Logic kicks in, fighting as always against my emotional side. You're romanticizing. People, places, and things come and go. Experiences come and go. If people change or leave, then perhaps it is for the best. When it is my time to go there will be very few difficult goodbyes. I reason and reason until the sadness subsides. I'm starting to understand the need to pick up and go. In fact, I'm starting to count on it. smack, baby, smack!

Add one more to the list... [18 Aug 2003|01:58pm] [ mood | confused ] So, Kristin stops over last night and announces that she is pregnant. You know, for most normal people I guess this would fall under the good news category. For a cynic like me, it falls into the "what the fuck are you thinking?" category. You don't live with someone for a few months (after an 8 year marriage ends) and then have their baby! Especially when neither parent has a steady source of income or health insurance?! How funny and ironic that just a few months ago we were talking about how great it was that you and Len never had kids with the divorce and everything. Remember how you wanted to go to grad school and start on a "real" career? Jesus. How irresponsible. All that talk of the rednecks down the street, squirting out one baby after another with no thought to the future of any of those children....Hello pot? This is kettle. I really thought you would be smarter than to do this to yourself. But hey...it's a bbbayyybeeee....I'm supposed to be shitting my pants with happiness over the "miracle" of creation. So, good luck I guess. smack, baby, smack!

Chaos reigns [14 Aug 2003|01:53pm] [ mood | nervous ] [ music | Avid Vinyl Northern Soul - Selection of Northern / Rare soul 45's available from our Website ] Jesus, has time been flying. Really, can someone please stop the merry go round? I want to get off. Mark has up and moved to South Dakota. After 3 weeks I (or anyone else) have yet to hear from him. This sudden action caused the immediate disbanding of the House of Lame, with Andy forced to find an apartment of his own. It was bad enough dealing with Lenny and Kristin's divorce...now people are fleeing this place like rats from a sinking ship. I'm starting to think everyone is fucking flipping out. Matt will be gone for Austin by this weekend. How did it never quite sink in that he was leaving? He's so confident about the move. I don't understand how people can just uproot and go and not look back? He is (after my sister) my oldest and closest friend. He is the one that I could always tell anything and he would never judge me or think I was weird. He is the one who has known all my secrets and innermost thoughts for ten years strong. I am going to miss him. Then there is the house situation, with one roommate moving out and another moving in. This may very well be the only thing I am kind of glad about at the moment. I have three months to finish my thesis and graduate. I am already worried about not being able to find a job. It's one thing to be a college dropout and unemployed. What's really pathetic is to have your master's and STILL be unemployed. I SHOULD JUST BE HAPPY I AM FINALLY GRADUATING AND NOT ALREADY WORRYING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS AFTERWARDS! I need to go smoke some pot or something. Really. And to top it off, I'm fucking broke. But hey, at least it is still the summer. smack, baby, smack!

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