Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in I'm a picture of motivation.'s LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, January 13th, 2004
1:27 pm	You're tearing me apart!!!!!!!!!! Why does no one care that I'm dying inside? I think I am "breaking off for good" (haha, Mest) with John tonight. I have just been so worried that if we are totally over that we won't be friends and I don't want him out of my life at all...but I can't keep pretending anymore with him...I can't, because I'm not in love with him, though I do love him. I am afraid to be alone. I am just...preoccupied with thoughts and daydreams of someone else (who could that be? Oh, right, Ryan, the boy I can never have)...so it's not really fair to him. Lindsey thinks we are destined to be rock stars. I think she's right. That's the only way we will ever get what we want. So let's go move somewhere and start a band, maybe Veruca Salt style. Or else I'll just sit here and rot to pieces. Current Mood: INSANE Current Music: Curve of the Earth-Matt Nathanson
9 / +
Thursday, January 8th, 2004
1:43 am	2 seconds later she updates again... RYAN ADAMS IS COMING HERE MARCH 5TH!!!!!!!! FINALLY!!!!!!! I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!!
4 / +
Saturday, December 20th, 2003
8:40 pm	Boo John was going to come over and we were going to play board games and such. He just called to tell me that he threw up. He said his stomach had been hurting and then he threw up. GREAT. I cannot get sick! We are leaving for Illinois in a couple days. Oh please God don't let me get sick. He doesn't know if he has the flu because he doesn't have any other symptoms and he felt better after throwing up...I hope he doesn't have it...for everyone's sake! Current Mood: worried Current Music: Mean Girl-Unwritten Law
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Saturday, December 6th, 2003
2:28 am	Get it right... We saw Bad Santa tonight. It has to be the absolute funniest movie I've ever seen in my entire life. I'm totally serious. Like on the preview on TV it says Roger Ebert and all these other people thought it was the funniest movie of the year. I was thinking I wanted to see it, but usually when people say something like that about a movie it turns out to be completely untrue. Well not about this movie. The very first minute of it was hilarious all on it's own...and it just got better. SHIT. I want to watch it again right now. ( Here are just a few hilarious things that Billy Bob said. ) I have to go look at something Brad told me about that's supposedly funny.
5 / +
Thursday, December 4th, 2003
2:24 am	Aw... Sometimes you think your day is complete shit...and then...it gets a little better in the middle of the night... ( brad ) "Well...you can never have too many copies of The Goonies" -Seth Cohen Current Mood: boomchakalaka Current Music: Follow Through-Gavin DeGraw
5 / +
Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003
4:22 pm	Yeah! So lindseyxo told me how to download this thing where all you have to do is push a button and it does all your codes and stuff for you so you don't have to type them all out. Like bold and italics and underline and strikethrough (which I didn't know how to do before)...It only takes like one second to do it, where before it took a few seconds. Woohoo. What a time saver. How freakin' awesome. I am so gay. I really did make a post just about this. Haha. Also, The Best of Adam Sandler is on Comedy Central right now. He is the funniest person ever. I love it when he does the songs. Classic.
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Wednesday, November 19th, 2003
1:21 pm	Woohoo! I went to sleep early last night and actually slept all night for once. How weird. lindseyxo is THE BEST!!!!!!!! ...She got to meet Britney last night at a signing and she got ME an cd autographed too!!!!!! If that's not the sweetest most raddest thing in the whole world, I don't know what is! Ahhhh. I LOVE HER. Man, that is so cool. Okay, my dad needs back online. How annoying! Current Mood: ecstatic
5 / +
Monday, November 17th, 2003
6:04 am	How bout I'm outside of your window... I did it again. I fell asleep at 11:30 last night for some reason...and I just woke up, at 6 in the morning. Fuck! I hate that. Today I am going to sell some movies that I have that I never watch so that I can have money to go to Tower Records tonight and get the new Britney cd. I'm a total dork. I'm eating turkey and cheese. I'm still wearing these pink flannel pants and this pink Rancid shirt. The funniest part about it is that I have the right pant leg rolled up above my knee and the left side is just down to my ankle...I have the one side rolled up because of this huge fucking owie I have on my knee from falling on my face the other night. Haha. It was getting stuck to my pants and it hurt like shit. I swear, I probably look like a freakin' idiot. I made this private post last night that only Rush can see and I swear I shouldn't have done that, but...oh well. It's the truth anyway. Why is there never anyone online at 6am? Oh, probably because they are normal and they are sleeping. Oh this is hilarious. Tyler sent me "Cute Without the E" by Taking Back Sunday, and it's acoustic, and on the real player it says "Taking Back Sunday, Genre: Emo." Haha. For some reason that is so funny to me. My dog is such a weirdo. He's sitting here begging for some food, so I gave him turkey, which he ate. Then I gave him some cheese and he just looked at it. What a spaz. Okay, I don't have anything else to say this early... Current Music: Cute Without the E-Taking Back Sunday
2 / +
Sunday, November 16th, 2003
3:22 am	I'm so lost...I'm barely here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Driving used to be fun. Now it's just exhausting. I drove from here to Waco (an hour and a half) to get Raven, then from there to Webster (4 hours-ish)...we hung out with Rush for awhile, then Raven drove almost to Waco, then I drove the rest of the way, then I drove home. That's a lot of driving for one day. It was fun though. By the time I got home I was so tired. I practically fell asleep so many times when I was driving. Especially by myself. These semis kept trying to race me or something. They'd be going like 80 to pass me and I was going like 70-75. What a bunch of idiots. They shouldn't drive so fast, those trucks are hard to stop. I got home and went to sleep from 9:30am til 10:30 tonight. That's a lot of sleep. I woke up a million times though because of my brother's stupid ghetto rap/wall shaking music. Then my mom woke me up to ask me some stupid question, if I had the new Cosmo and noticed some Steve Madden boots in it, because my aunt was going to get them. Who cares? John and I were just talking online. I told him I'm sick of his shit, I can't deal with him anymore, he isn't good for me, all that kinda stuff. So what did he say in response? Just some shit to make me feel bad, like how I'm "beautiful" and he could never replace me, he wants us to get married, blah...He doesn't understand that I don't want that. I just don't. He's like "Oh, but we looked for apartments a couple weeks ago." So what? Maybe that was a half assed attempt to try to make this work, but I realized it just isn't and it never will. He might say all this shit to me now, but if I were to go back over to his apartment, he'd treat me just like he did before. It's not worth it. Then he tried to tell me I never cared about him. It's just stupid. He says what I might want to hear, but as soon as I give in, he changes, so I'm NOT doing that again. It's over. It just has to be. Too many things are going through my head. I think I'm losing my mind. I can't stand it. I'm going to have a nervous break down. Current Mood: discontent Current Music: Stockholm Syndrome-Blink
4 / +
Friday, November 14th, 2003
11:19 am	Notice me and take my hand... I fell in love last night. Shit. Fuck. He was so beautiful. It was weird. He said he did some shit for Lawrence Arms or Hot Water Music...I can't remember. His name is Paul and he's 26 (Aili! What!). He was so amazing. I talked to him for only 5 minutes but in that span I was like, Holy shit...and he said he'd be at the hotel later, but he WASN'T. Damnit. Shit head. So we saw A Static Lullaby last night. Last time we went to see them (exactly a year ago) we ended up hanging out all night and getting a hotel and drinking. Same thing this time! Ruth and I got a bit drunk before they even came on. The most hilarious thing is we saw John. He was a huge asshole to us both. He flipped her off. Whatever. He was by himself. Aw. I felt bad for him, but at the same time I thought, what a jerk off cos he didn't invite me to go and I'm the one who told him about that band! Ugh! So I ended up making out with Nate. Haha. What the hell? I kept in touch with him online and shit. So we made out a lot. That was all cos he had a girlfriend that is 18 (he's 20) I was like, that is so stupid. Do you really think it will go anywhere? Ugh. So I guess Phil got all pissed cos he's friends with her? Whatever. So yeah...Joe got all pissed at me for no reason. He was sick, he had just fought with his girlfriend on the phone, so he yelled at me! He was so mean. It sucked. Let's see. I don't remember all that much, as I was a bit drunk. I saw Brett at the show. He's someone I hooked up with once. It was funny. I said to Ruth "What is with me seeing all these guys this week that I have had sex with?!" She thought it was hilarious. We walked under a semi truck and right after getting out from under it (like doing the limbo) I fell on my face. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I have a bruise on my arm and shoulder, plus a huge owie on my knee. I am a total retard. I started kissing Nate when we were still at the place where the show was. John had been sitting on the couch right before. I wonder if he saw? I don't think so, but still, holy fucking shit, that's insane! I don't even find Nate attractive. I must be crazy. What is wrong with me? FUCK. I'm just...ahhh...here and there and everywhere. I'm still drunk, honestly. It's just crazy. Fuck. We have to leave to go to Houston in a few hours? I need to sleep. I need to sell DVDS to get money. How pathetic. Mmmm. Paul... Current Music: Everytime-Britney
6 / +
Thursday, November 13th, 2003
2:58 am	I'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're toxic? I have Paris Hilton's phone number. I got it from one of my friends in IL that knows someone that knows her agent. Haha. I called it and it totally sounds like her, so...I don't know. Her mailbox was full, not that I was going to leave a message. Haha. What would I say? It's still kinda rad. The OC was so good tonight. It's always soooo good. I taped Miss Match from last Friday and One Tree Hill from Tuesday. I have to go watch those!!! Current Music: Breathe On Me-Britney
6 / +
Wednesday, November 12th, 2003
8:57 am	Nothing seems as perfect as it ever should've been... I guess I'll just update til the cows come home. Who cares? If you have a problem you can just screw off, I don't give a shit, sincerely. Music kills me. It makes me feel too much, and it's like an addiction, I LOVE to listen to music that hurts me, music makes me sad. I can't stop. Why is that? I only wish I could write music as beautiful as Brand New, The Smiths, Straylight Run, The Cure, Howie Day, Third Eye Blind, ect... I think I'm incapable of being a real person. I think I'm just a doll, even though my feelings are so real, they hurt me so much, they turn me into something that doesn't exist, because that's how much I hurt. Yes I wrote that myself. Just now. Pretty fucking sad... Current Music: All Of This-Blink w/Robert Smith
7 / +
8:17 am	In the night we'll wish this never ends... I would just like to say...the new Blink album is fucking AWESOME. Holy shit, I had no idea that I could ever fall in love with them again, I thought Dude Ranch was the best, but man, this cd...is fucking incredible. Yeah! I never say incredible, it just came out of my head...so it's gotta be true, right? Yeah, Rush sent me all the rest of the songs. Man. I can't stop listening to them. I'm in love. P.S. This mac and tom is fantastical like no other... Current Mood: excited Current Music: I Miss You-Blink
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Tuesday, November 11th, 2003
10:10 pm	I'm so lost/I'm barely here/I wish I could explain myself/but words escape me... Well after John being a huge jerk earlier...he called me to pick him up from work tonight, because I had his car. So I picked him up and I just ignored him. He kept asking me why I was so pissy, ect., what is he too stupid to figure it out? I'm tired of him treating me like shit all the time. I'm sick of his mood swings. I'm sick of him being mad at me because he's unhappy with having to work and go to school, ect. and I don't have to. It's really lame. So of course all he did was talk shit on me the whole way back to my house, cos I drove my car to pick him up. I knew if I had driven his car that he wouldn't have taken me home. Of course he had to make some stupid comment about Eminem "sucking," because that's what I was listening to. I swear, he is so closed minded. Just because you don't like something doesn't mean it's stupid. He was being such a fucking baby. I left the puppy at my house with my parents. John was like "He's MY dog. I want him to be at home, not here." I asked him why and he said he "doesn't need a reason." If that's not childish I don't know what is. I mean, he was gone all day. Ooooh Danny and Jacob were there! Like their stupid asses would even pay attention to them, their eyes are always on the fucking tv. So I went in my house and got the puppy, gave him to John, and got in my own car to take back a movie. I don't care. I'm sick of him. It's hard and it's sad, but really, you have to realize that things have gotten shitty at some point. Like I was telling Allie earlier, you have to stop beating the dead horse into the ground...so I am. I don't need him. On the other hand, Rush sent me a few of the new Blink songs and they are really awesome. I never thought I'd get into Blink again, but I can't stop listening to these songs. The one with Robert Smith is really good, which I never would've thought... Also, Straylight Run is my new favorite. They are so amazing. (Justin, you would LOVE them)...My favorite, most favorite song: It's For the Best It takes more time than I've ever had Drains the life from me Makes me want to forget As young as I was, I felt older back then More disciplined, stronger and certain But I was scared to death of eternity I was saved by grace But destroyed by naivety And I lied to myself And said it was for the best So now faith is replaced with a logic so cold I've disregarded what I was Now that I'm older And I know much more than I did back then But the more I learn The more I can't understand And I've become content with this life that I lead Where I drink too much and don't believe in much of anything And I lie to myself and say "It's for the best." We're moving forward, but holding ourselves back and we're waiting on something that will never come Perfect Current Music: Stockholm Syndrome-Blink
4 / +
9:44 am	It's only you, beautiful...or I don't want anyone, if I can choose, it's only you... I am so fucking mad. I just made a huge update about the Brand New show last night, but John's computer fucking sucks ass, so what happened as soon as I was done writing the whole thing and I went to post it? It froze up and wouldn't do anything. I hate it when shit like that happens. I want to punch someone's light's out. So I came up here to Jacob's computer, which is a million times faster. Let's try this one more fucking time. So last night was the Brand New show. It was my 5th or 6th time seeing them. They were amazing, as usual. It was my third time meeting Jesse. He was really sweet and nice, like always. He was in a hurry so we only had time to take a picture. I had one arm around his waist and my other hand on his stomach. After the picture was taken he squeezed my shoulder and smiled. I told him he was amazing, but I don't know if he heard me. He is without a doubt, the most beautiful person I've ever seen in real life, seriously. Ahhh. Okay, so I will write more about the show after I make a little list. ( Read more... )
3 / +
Sunday, November 9th, 2003
7:44 am	How many people are sick of me talking about this? Raise your hand... When I was in L.A...I text messaged Ryan and told him I was outside his place. Then I see this guy in camoflauge shorts, a red tight fitting t-shirt, and a trucker hat...and I actually said to myself, "Hello!" or something, like I thought that was hot, then I realized it was Ryan. Haha. So I said "Hey!" and he looked at me and walked over and hugged me. All I want in this entire world is for him to be where I am. That's it. I don't care about anything else, short from hoping and wishing and praying that my family and friends live until they are really old...but that's all. I'm sure all my friends on here are sick of hearing about him, but really, I'm sick of thinking about him. Not really, I'm just sick of thinking about him and knowning there is nothing I can do and it's making me insane. *Your love is better than ice cream* Current Mood: sad Current Music: Ice Cream-Sarah McLachlan
6 / +
Friday, November 7th, 2003
5:06 am	Today is my brother's birthday. He's 17. SEVENTEEN. Totally weird. I remember when he was 5. It's scaring the crap out of me. Here's some pictures! He's such a sweet kid. I love him. The pictures aren't fucking working for some reason. It could be the host, could be something else. I don't know. I just realized it's also Christine's birthday. She called me last night! She's 23 now. Wow. What was that Justin said? I miss the "deep dick, the non-John, the long John?" That made me laugh so hard. I wish I could visit my friends in Illinois. I want to drive up there now. I don't even mind driving up there alone. Music keeps me occupied. I miss everyone. It's making me crazy. It's been too long. More than a year and a half...not cool. Ugh............. Current Music: Toxic-Britney
4 / +
4:55 am	Oh yeah, yesterday I got a card from Raven!!!!! It was soooo sweet and so unexpected. She said I was a wonderful friend and that she felt honored to have me as a friend...I feel the same way, totally. She's the sweetest girl, ever. Current Music: Shadow-Britney
1 / +
4:40 am	I guess I need you baby... This is too hard. I wasn't built for this. I can't handle it. I'm not strong enough. I just think about him and my eyes tear up. I can't stand it. Why is this happening to me? Why am I always so unfortunate, so unlucky? Why doesn't anything EVER go my way? WHY? It's not fair. It's like God mocks me. I guess this is all so hilarious, some joke. What's the point? I'm not laughing. I'm crying, every fucking day. No one even has a clue. No one knows. NO ONE. It's so weird. I wonder if he even knows. I told Jimmy a long time ago. I told Adam recently. Both were close friends of him, said they wouldn't tell him. What if they did? What if they did and he knows and he doesn't care? He obviously isn't in the same place as me. God, this is so sad. I can't stand it. I can't stand feeling like this. No one even knows. It's so shitty. No one understands, they probably think it's just a crush. Oh, a crush that has been going on for 3 years. Does that ever actually happen? Every song I hear, every thought I think, every feeling, involves him, and I don't think he has any idea, and I think if he did have any idea, he probably wouldn't care. I would seriously rather not exist than feel like this. It hurts SO much. I can't think of a single person who would even have a clue what I'm feeling. It's horrible. Even grey days beat the shade... Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: Everytime-Britney
3 / +
3:55 am	Why don't we do it all again? Thanks butterfliwingz for my new Britney icon. So hot. Inspired by my new favorite song, "Showdown," YES. I seriously can't stop listening to this song. It's so hot. God. I wish I could turn off my brain. I'm thinking about all this stuff and it's making me crazy. Current Mood: horny Current Music: Breathe On Me-Britney
1 / +