I'm sorry it took me so long

08:23 pm

Your World (Part One): What is your world made of? [girls]
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Sorry about the lack of updating.. facebook has taken over my life.. in the worst way.

01:35 pm - Survey survey survey

11:22 am

I AM 31% GEEK! You probably work in computers, or a history deptartment at a college. You never really fit in with the "normal" crowd. But you have friends, and this is a good thing. Take the GEEK test at Fuali.com

10:02 am

so I'm going home next weekend. not too sure what exactly i'm going to do when i'm home. a haircut is definitely in order.

myself and kate will be riding the train to 30th street and then her dad is going to come and get us. and then my mom is going to come and get me. and most likely we're going to fight about something on the car ride home. and then i'm going to get pissed. i don't think i have anyone else at home this weekend, let alone friends at home. maybe i'll go visiting.

the whole state vs. altoona is driving me crazy.

more later.

01:31 am

You Should Vote For Kerry

Though You'd Rather Vote for Michael Moore

01:15 pm

Yes I know, I'm updating well. Not very much.

I love my sorority. I love being with girls that I know would do anything to keep me safe. I love being able to walk into a class and know that they want me to sit with them. Being able to go anywhere and know that there's someone around somewhere- well that doesn't make much sense. As much as I complain about them and all, I know that those are my girls. No more bullshit from home matters because I've grown past all that.

I would never have experienced half the things I am now if I haven't had rushed. I'm part of something that is greater than myself.

It's so hard to explain how it feels but if you want to make general comments about people- that's messed up. Especially about petty shit. I guess they don't realize that it hurts or if they do, they don't care. So fuck 'em. I'm better off.

02:35 pm

Here's a fucking update for everyone

This weekend- ruined.

There you go. I'm a fuckup and I hope you're happy.

Have a good year.

04:16 pm

I sat in my car for about an hour listening to cds last night. I dropped the top for a while and just looked up at the stars, even thought it was sorta drizzling outside, I just didn't care. I needed that. Everything that has happened in the past few days just needed to be cleared out. I needed to find all the optimism that I had lost in just the past year. Thinking of myself one year ago and how happy I thought I was is just exhausting.

I wish I could fall in love, but not with you anymore.

So while I was just doing nothing, I found some pictures in my car. Of all things, they were from the Scrabble/Mini-Golf night before we all left for school. They were pretty classic, me and Ash making stupid faces and everyone doing random things. And then I got to a few in the back and couldn't hold it in anymore.

Don't look back.

I look at myself in pictures. I don't know the girl that's looking back at me anymore. I know it's so cliche, but I don't. I want to say that someone knows the real me, but come on, who knows everything about another person? I have friends that are in relationships, some can deal with that, some can't. I guess I have to explain. They survive for the relationship. Friends they've met, people they know now- all from one relatioship.

I don't mean that being in love isn't great. But it is really so god damn important me. of course. However, I've said "i love you" to two in my life and thought I meant it. I try and make it work when it can't. I have to stop myself from thinking about the "what-ifs" and work on the life I have to deal with now.

Stop living in a fantasy world

No longer can I make people who don't like me try and make them. I was told that "I don't go out of my way to be nice." What's wrong witht that? If you're in my way, I think I'm a half decent person. I don't know. I guess the way that you see yourself can be so completely different from the way anyone else sees you.

That's all about all I have to say today. Congratulations if you actually made it through this entry and understand half of what I'm saying.

Current Mood: discontent

03:02 pm - What to say on a boring day like today?

Does anyone else remember when we were all about friendster?
ha.

08:18 pm

Oh god, please choose me.

Today was another interesting day at work. I sort of run on auto-pilot all the time, even if that includes the drive there and back. It's bad that I just know where I'm going

Well, something fun is happening soon. Not sure if I can post the full details yet or if I should hold off. Maybe I'll tell the people that have to know. It includes a couple plane tickets, a car, and a boy. How about that for a teaser?

I Love the 90s starts tonight. I'm excited. I usually get a kick out of the other shows on VH1, which I have a problem with watching over and over again. I don't know why but I just do.

As I have told some of you, I refuse to ever be anyone's sloppy seconds again...ever. I'm so much better and cooler, pfft, for that.

Well the weekend was special. Saturday- visited Kasey and made some awesome peanut butter/chocoloate chip cookies and then went with my mom, sister and friends of fam to North East, MD to Woody's for some crabs. The crabs you eat, thank you very much. I realized that I was going to be mucho late to Brendan's barbeque but finally stopped there. Some good times were had thinking about good ol' Avon Grove and the Golden Chorale. And then I realized that I hated high school. Met some of his friends, boyfriend, and best friend who were generally nice people. Which makes me miss my two best friends even more and...okay. yeah. him too.

10:43 pm

And after all, you're my wonderwall

It's been a really long time since I've updated in this thing. I'm not too sure who actually reads livejournal anymore or even looks at it. Don't really know where to start about this summer. Things are definitely different from last summer. Being at home is sort of nice but I can't wait to get back to Altoona and be on my own for a while.

I miss him alot. I know that I decided that I was going to see what was going to happen, but I know now that it can't go back to way it was and that sucks.

I've done alot of work over the summer seeing that I don't really have  a group of people to hang out with. One decision I made when I left school is that I'm not going to hang out with people who make me feel any less of myself, unfortnately that encompassed alot of the people I used to hang out with. It's sad to think that I dealt with some of them for like four years.

I miss my friends that are away like Justin and Ashley. I know Justin comes home well, alot, lots more than I did. But I love hanging out with him because I don't know, it just feels like he never judges any of the stupid things that I do. I know there are plenty of them. I can't wait to be back in Altoona just so I can cruise over to State and hang out there. When I see him so happy like he is now, it just makes me feel happy too. And he's an interesting drunk. I miss Ashley alot. I know that I rarely get to see her anymore but it doesn't seem to matter. For some time in my life, I felt like I could only depend on my friends for some stable in my life, and she always gave that to me even if she wasn't completely stable. and if you know Ash, you know I'm right :)

I decided that anything with Kyle is a completely stupid move on my part. Maybe sometime later we'll be perfect for each other, but right now it's just not what either one of us needs. When something goes back and forth for what now, 4 years, and still doesn't work, maybe it just needs a break. We're both on completely times in our lives right now and trying to keep anything normal would be hurtful for the both of us. I love him. I really do. But being with him and the way he gets around me sometimes is just not good for me. I'm smart enough to get myself out of the situation. I don't want things to be like last summer. We get back together for like a month, and then he hurts me. So I go and try and hurt him. Well, not exactly like that. I think I've had two loves in my short life. I need to start letting go. I'm not a good girlfriend for anyone.

Things I wish would change

1. It would be closer to school
2. Finally being content without being with someone
3. Try and be friends with people that I thought I needed distant from

Yeah, I miss him. Something Corporate doesn't help me. It used to make the drive so much shorter but now just makes it rough to even listen to.

*Him- throughout this entry, refers to different guys

Congrats if you made it through this whole thing

Current Mood: thoughtful

01:22 pm

I haven't updated in a long time. Well, I'm now done pledging and a "sister" of AST. Very exciting I know. Things have been crazy since and hopefully will get to calm down when I finally go home. However, the reason I decided to sit down and write for a little bit. Everything is really weird in the dorms right now. Mostly everyone on the floor is leaving today. I still have my lovely final at 8am tomorrow but I have most of my stuff packed up. Just look in my closet, it's empty. All the posters are down and the bare minium is still around. In nine months, I have made this place my home, the place that I knew that I was always safe in, even when Dave threatened to come through the ceiling. My stupid bunkbed has been comfy and cozy for all my nights of coming home and for all the napskis...damn Massholes. I'm never really going to experience the whole living in dorms situations again, well possibly in two years but it's going to be so different. Definitely getting my own apartment was the best choice for me. As much as I liked it here, I hated it even more. The lack of AC and all definitely sucked ass.

I think in just the months that I have been at school everything has been so different even with just my friends. I wish that I could say that I have kept in touch with people from AG but I haven't. One of my fears when I come home is that I'm going to have no one at all to be with. I'm spoiled here at school. I get to have all my friends in such a close area and we're always doing something stupid. I'm afraid when I go home that I"m just going to go insane in New London. I don't even know anymore if I want to see some of the people that I used to hang out with all the time.

Next year is going to be out of control! I can't wait to come back to Altoona in August and being an OL is definitely going to be an "experience" to say the least. I think one of the strangest things is going to have a pledge class in the Fall. Things are going to be very different from this semester but I think just having the other side seen is going to be very very weird.

But I think that I should probably shower, LAST SHOWER IN FLIP-FLOPS!, and then I'm probably heading over to Sunshine's....hehe Kate's room to help her finish up packing and probably watch some TV. Ok, well I'll be home tomorrow, but leaving for San Diego on Tuesday for a week. And then hopefully working lots and Savannah in June.. I'm so excited to go. Maybe this summer will be better than the last...

Current Mood: sad

08:36 am

you know what i don't get...the whole thing about giving credit for livejournal icons... THEY'RE PICTURES
i dunno...

02:25 am

Today was very uneventful.
I went to the mall wtih Ash for a bit. Hung out with Kate, got ready for Court's birthday party which was sort of crowded and what not, so we said hello/goodbye and then went to Denny's. It was fun just hanging out with the girls and such. OHH I also went to Ho Bag, Sr.'s Ivyside Pride performance..Alexis looked hot! hehe..me and Julie had a good time with that one.
The door in Oak is broken on the regular side so I walked around and these three guys were sitting on the steps to nowhere, and just started talking to me. The one gave me his room number and cell number. I think things are just getting curiouser and curiouser...everyone did tell me I looked good tonight, which makes me think about what I usually look like...

10:57 am

I have my reasons...

supposedly I "disowned" my father. and to that I say. FUCK YOU BITCH
You don't know the half of what happened. Just what you were told and seeing that we're not like most people and keep our business with ourselves. Yeah, that's a concept that some people need to work on. Don't make me spread half the shit that you have started with anyone.

I'm not sure about the whole going home thing. I haven't kept in touch with anyone at home. Well, I know Justin is going to be there for me but he's leaving for State College in June. And to be perfectly honest, I don't really like most of the people I used to be friends with. I'm figuring that it's going to be a long working summer and lots of mini-trips away. Savannah is going to be a blast. I can't wait.

I might be going to New York City =) Probably the first weekend in May. Maybe. I'm excited. I should be studying for finals..sure...

Now that I think about it. I can count my friends at home on one hand. Sort of sad.

Current Mood: annoyed

12:41 pm

Today was really tiring.
I got out of bed really late because my alarm clock has broken and I cannot afford a new one at the moment.

I feel good because today I getting my lip pierced! Finally! Mom said I could and she's signed the forms and EVERYTHING!

I'm so angry. Paul is grounded. AGAIN! And I'm not allowed to see him. EVER. It's just NOT FAIR. I hate my mom and I wish she was dead. This wouldn't happen if I was allowed to live with dad.

Last night I had to go and pay Joshua's bail. He's such a jerk. He got arrested for punching the Walmart clerk in the face for refusing to sell him beer. He's only 16!

I want to tell the world that I love you all! You're all so special to me!

I am making this journal friends only because I don't want the world to read what I'm writing, even though I'm posting it on the internet.

Today, I got a digital camera! Yes! Here's ten thousand photographs of my cat.

I want to say thanks to Babybob556 for making the background and icons for my journal. Thanks hon, ur super special!

I went to the doctor yesterday, and he said I have a terrible skin disease which prevents me from coming into contact with other human beings. And bipolar disorder.

You should all do this quiz! It's amazingly accurate. You just put in your name and birthday, and it will tell you you're a moron.

That's enough for now. But I'll leave you with this poem I wrote. It's about my friend Robert, who has bipolar disorder. Just like me. And Heidi.

03:25 am

let it be known that peter engelbert is a complete and udder asshole.
and yeah, i mean it this time.

03:16 am

I dyed my hair.
yes I was completely sober.

12:32 am

you know how we roll.

cleaned my room today, i have so much stuff.

might head to bed soon and get a decent nights sleep...but probably not. going to wait for someone to come back... so i can chat.

03:23 pm - It's been a long time coming

I finally decided to update this sucker.

College is excellent. This semester alone has made all expectations come true. I have found a group of people that are awesomely cool... yeah that makes no sense. but all the late night trips to wally world and eat and park are definitely the moments that make a college life... not the stupid classes.. seriously.

i'm drawing towards the end of the pledging period. it has been such an incredible time and i want to thank all my friends who have stood by me when i've needed you. and the rest of them that have bashed on me for the little side comments like "i dont' pay for my friends" or "you're just a ho now" are stupid. who can you depend on anymore? like your friends from high school...uhh.. or boyfriends/girlfriends.. yeah "broaden your horizons" my ass.

and yes, i do have a large one of those.

i think i found someone on livejournal that i used to be friends with so i left a very awkard and random comment to see if it is who i believe it is. well, that didn't make much sense. but i very rarely do.

i do'nt really like the remix of soco amerreto lime.. but i do for some reason

Current Mood: thankful