Below are the 16 most recent journal entries recorded in Talton's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, October 31st, 2001
11:28 pm	I've come to wish you an unhappy birthday... well, it was my ex-friend Jenna's birthday, but she never got in contact with me over it, so I'm sort of pissed off. what a loser. (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 28th, 2001
3:10 pm	Lonely as all hell... and trying to figure out why. I suppose I'll write an entry in this, since I haven't written anything in a week or so... (I'd have to really check which, I guess) I think that the greatest source of true loneliness is desire... for something to happen. Whether that will or not, whether you will have what you are looking for - well, won't you be looking for something else, then, afterwards? I think in order not to be lonely, you have to be content with yourself, otherwise the rest isn't really worth it, is it? I suppose that's why I've been lonely for so long - I was blaming it all on the sense of loneliness I got when I didn't see my girlfriend for a while, and I suppose that could have something to contribute, as more often than not, I'd like her here, or at least in the vicinity where I could realistically hang around with her on a regular basis. But I think it's me, really - the fact that I'm perhaps not content with what I have to some degree, and thus that in itself is causing me sadness. In any event, I've been trying to resolve that sense of loneliness by reaching out somehow - to my friends, to my colleagues at school, to my parents... telling them what's up. Maybe I have to try and figure out what I truly want, and if it isn't what I'm doing now, change that so I am happier in that regard. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 17th, 2001
9:44 pm	The death of tournament Magic playing... for me. I suppose I didn't really realize how bored I was until I talked it out with Jason about how tournament Magic is for me. I also suppose it's something that's been grating on me for quite some time now. As Jason said, quite correctly (and having the same sort of experience in tourneys like me - one "real" tournament and a whole bunch of casual play). "Tournaments are all about the sideboard... I don't want to play with colour hosers, as they're lame." I'd never really given that much thought to that attitude before then. But I guess today was when I realized that I was just wasting time playing pre-pubescent teenagers (or people with the same sort of attitude - egos the size of Cleveland, as they can't be seen online). I'd much rather play with people I know, that way I don't need to deal with the many assholes that there are in the world. My friends Luke, Ruth, and Jason, as well as my buddy Sean make a good enough challenge for me, besides, as they and I can test each other's not-pro-level decks against each other. I think I was missing out on the fun side of Magic when I thought I could get on the Pro Tour. Sure, and if I did get on, where would I be? Miserable, most likely, since I don't even like the attitude of many Magic players. That means I'd have to endure many tournaments and many sessions of testing with people I don't even like. Fuck that. Back to casual play. Current Mood: frustrated Current Music: Project Pitchfork - En Garde! (Comment on this)
Friday, October 12th, 2001
12:08 pm	Well, I might as well start by saying that I haven't posted in quite some time here. So I don't really know if anyone's going to actually read what I have to say. No matter, I might as well say it anyway. I miss my lady but I haven't seen her in quite some time. There's some form of distance from her, since it's hard to place the physical with the voice that I hear every night telling me that she loves me. It's difficult when we meet, too. I wish it wasn't so difficult, but it's pretty much got to be since she needs to save money for when she comes up here and I need to graduate. Thus, there's a good deal of distance for month-long (or in this case, a nine-week long) intervals. So therefore it can be kind of hard to adjust. I really wish I didn't have to adjust, that I could see her, but wishing hasn't done me much good since she's still there and I'm still here, a thousand miles away. I love her so much, and I reassure myself with all the good things I have in my life - I'm relatively healthy, doing well in school and enjoying life mostly. It'd be perfect if she was here as well. Current Mood: pensive Current Music: Crimpshrine - Fucked Up Kids (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 17th, 2001
8:31 am	ramblings. how do I feel? well... sorta iffy in many ways. I'm doing my resume currently on paper and looking for some sort of work that will pay me more than near-minimum wage. It shouldn't be THAT hard, really. It's just tricky and sort of tedious in many ways. First, I have to carpetbomb whatever companies with cover letter+resume to explain who I am and why I want the position, etc. Then, if I get an interview, I can hope for the best.. wow, I'm tired. I think I'm tired more from the bike riding than the shift at the grocery store that I just worked, as the shift was rather easy. It's just that I don't get to talk to the lady that much, either from a faulty alarm clock (probably) or human error (more probable than that). Twenty minutes and then she's got to go... which I can't really blame her about, but there's a lot that I'm going through with her at the moment, even on top of our mixed days of happiness and strife. sometimes I just feel really alone in Toronto... maybe tonight at Velvet Underground will change that - if I actually get up the gumption to bike that far out... I refuse to take the bus if I can bike (which I likely can). The results are definitely there, so likely continuing them and working out at the gym will make me look the way that I want to look. I think I'm going to talk to this guy Lou at the grocery store. He's the produce manager and a very cool guy. He's easily the strongest guy in the store, as well. Likely Lou should have been a personal trainer (he'd probably make more money) but I think he likes the constant grind of working grocery or retail that no other profession really gets. Sure, it's 7.40/hour for me, but one of the things I like about it is that there's always work. People have to eat somehow, and they're not going to get their basic food items from McDonalds or Kentucky Fried Chicken. Anyhow... Lou knows his workout stuff, seeing as he works out every day. First, I've got to get some of this excess fat off before I talk to him, seeing as it's better to build weight with a substantial amount on. I don't really want to look like Arnold Schwarzenegger did in his heyday. I want to wear a suit comfortably and not really have much fat on my body. (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 12th, 2001
1:30 am	I guess it was almost bound to happen Got fired from Filmores today for smoking dope. Surprise, surprise. Thing is, the job was beginning to annoy me anyhow, and the really annoying thing was that the boss was a bit of a prick. He never called me or anything to talk to me about it, just handed my pink slip to the desk clerk I thought I was taking over from. So I biked out there for about half an hour to get my severance papers. Oh fucking well. I guess I'll just need to search for something significantly better than stocking shelves for $7.40/hour. (Comment on this)
Friday, May 11th, 2001
11:01 am	Whee... well... did nothing for my days off - which sort of sucks, but it's sort of good too. Instead, I got reacquainted with how much fun it is to bike around. I just enter something of a meditative state while I'm cycling - like when I'm going down a steep slope and the wind and the rain are pouring down onto me at the same time... it's something else, really. I don't really know how long I've been doing that for, but throughout most of the time I wasn't hanging around with Jason and Jenna, I was biking. Thing was, I needed to think about something else. I'm just sort of getting stressed, having the apple (my lady) in reach all the time, but only being able to take a bite once in a while. It's really sad sometimes when the person you love can't experience the small wonders in life with you because she's so far away. Thinking about her now, I just smile inside. It's her I miss, really. She completes my being, my spirit in a sense. Anyway, likely I'll be working an uneventful shift of TV, mad people trying to come in at 2 am. to rent a room, and crazy strippers coming up to me to ask for the weirdest things. I'll miss her, really, and well... I'm not working weekends with her about. So there. (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 10th, 2001
8:30 am	keeping in shape, or getting that way. well, clearly if I want to lose weight I'm going to have to work at it. It's not something that'll just drop off of me after days of dancing, because often I don't have those days off to actually go dancing on. So the best thing for me to do is bike, and well... find something else to supplement the biking. Aerobics could be good, even though they're traditionally a "women's" thing to get in shape. Really, though, what I want is to lose weight and keep it off for good. So I'm going to have to work out anyway. I'm enjoying such things though definitely in that I didn't get to swim a lot before but I've always enjoyed it. So... might as well start now! (Comment on this)
Monday, April 30th, 2001
10:38 am	wheeha... well, it sorta began really well, and ended really well. for once, I had a really good weekend with the lady. we curled up thursday when I arrived, just to get... well... 'acquainted' again, then on friday, we were out and about, exploring. We did dinner at this place called Mike's American Grill in her neighbourhood, which serves amazing crab cakes. For once, I couldn't finish something that I ate, and was forced to send about half my plate back... wow, the food was wonderful, but the crabcakes were so rich. Lady had a gift certificate that covered the food, then we went back to her place to curl up. What I really liked about the dinner thing was its spontaneity. The fact that I just said 'hey, let's go to dinner' as an out of the blue thing for me and her, and we got all dressed up to go, was really good. The fact that she got all her feelings out in a card, and we only had one moment of strife in the entire weekend really, well.. that was amazing too. Normally we're so stressed out and we get into more petty arguments than that when I'm down visiting her... but I feel really damn good. so there. Current Mood: happy as all hell... Current Music: apoptygma berzerk - burning heretics (gothic version) (Comment on this)
Friday, April 13th, 2001
3:18 pm	Next week is perhaps what will kindle the revolution against globalization. My friend for many years, Aaron Koleszar, has gone to Quebec City to protest against the Summit of the Americas. When he will be back, or if he gets thrown in jail, I don't think he cares too much. I respect his courage, because he's always been this brave. I won't be there because of work and because I don't want to be away from a certain person who is very dear to me. Aaron will make the news, surely, because he's not going to be silenced. He will probably fight many riot police in Quebec, and block many foreign dignitaries who want to talk about buying and selling the world. We don't even know what the bastards are talking about, and Canada is hosting this gross withdrawal of the public's rights? Indeed, I respect the cause, and had considered going to this, but... no. I don't get off on destroying anything to make your point, really. In conclusion, what will be made of this protest? Riots, like in Seattle? A gross miscarriage of justice, like in Seattle or D.C? In Ottawa, the cops recently detained people who were protesting peacefully and feeding people. That's not right. I think people should be able to say what they think without any fear of being silenced, if they're peaceful about it. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 11th, 2001
2:54 am	a testament to true love. I swear.. sometimes she just manages to cheer me up by talking to me. I love her so much because of that, and that alone. The fact that we're somewhat turbulent is a minor factor within the relationship - really, it's all about love and happiness, and COMMUNICATION (yes, someone said that on the lady's forum (yes, it's what I call her)) and respect (because we do respect each other). The fact that we aren't together in each other's arms means we yearn for each other that much more constantly, even if we don't show it all the time. She's just who she is and I'm just who I am and we have this habit to make each other mad and happy at the same time. oh well. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 10th, 2001
2:54 pm	spilling my thoughts out onto paper. kinda feeling sad and stuff. yes, it's about her, again - because I didn't call her. my lady, and other stuff, she is to me. I'll call her tonight and talk to her because I sort of need to be in her life every day, to some degree. She cheers me up whenever I'm upset, and we complete each other because we're so alike, yet very different. I guess the reason why I'm thinking about marriage is because I'm thinking far ahead. Sometimes I end up thinking far ahead just because she's always in my heart to some degree, and I end up planning to the future instead of looking at the present. I suppose that's not a good quality sometimes, but it's the way I am. I just think that I need to calm down a bit and start taking life slower. It's not a good way to live, feeling rushed a lot of the time to be at work or leaving from work, and I need to calm down about it. Sometimes, that ends up ruining the time I have with Sarah because I'm constantly looking at the clock. I want to be somewhere where I don't have to look at the clock when I'm spending time with her. If I didn't feel rushed, I'd learn to relax a lot more. Sometimes, I can't do that, it seems, and always have to be moving. strangely enough, I do sport an erection a lot of the time when I'm down. Not strangely, but differently enough. Maybe it's her close proximity instead of just hearing her voice and looking at the various pictures that I have of her, which leaves a void somewhere because to truly experience things with someone, it's hard to do that on the phone with them. I think that I am doing myself a disservice by doing that all the time with her, but my libido calls a lot. She has a high sex drive too (which she's acknowledged) but I admit, mine is very high. Sometimes, I end up being rather redundant with her even when I don't mean to at all. Sometimes it's silly or cute, other times it sounds inane and meaningless. I'm sure it's a good thing to be silly a lot of the time, but it's just depressing a lot of the time when I look back at that in retrospect and ask myself - what was I thinking when I said that? You can only really say so many "I love you"'s in one night before it sounds meaningless and redundant. To some degree, I'm making mistakes in the relationship, and so is she. We never went out and bought some relationships handbook or consulted an expert on relationships and dating or anything. Somehow, it's all worked so far. I consider this relationship to be my greatest success in my life, and despite the parts that weren't so comfortable, I have learned a lot about her and myself while with her. I don't know what it'll be like in April when I visit, but I'm sure I'll have a good time. I'm going to try and get outside a lot, because it's probably going to be really nice. Maybe I'll catch a movie or something before I go back to the land of work on Sunday night. Current Mood: sad (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 5th, 2001
1:58 pm	w00t. I finally got home from my friend Jason's place. Sleep is what calls to me now, saying 'Get your ass into bed' in a really loud tone in my head. So that is where I shall head. zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.... Current Mood: tired (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 4th, 2001
10:56 pm	tiredness sucks especially when you have to go into work. working in grocery drudgery sucks, but I can't program lately, because, well.. money is good. (Comment on this)
9:44 pm	erg... back to work soon - god, this job sucks for the pay I get - so I dunno, gotta finish the degree etc to get out of school finally (Comment on this)
11:14 am	erm, well.. this is my livejournal and welcome, and stuff. I don't do much these days. Work, and sleep, and talk to Sarah, that's about it. Sometimes I even get to go visit her. :) (1 Comment |Comment on this)