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Tuesday, January 8th, 2002
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10:54 pm - Very nice, kiddos....
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I had a good night hanging out with Rhiannon tonight. I made sloppy joes and garlic mashed potatoes for dinner for all of us tonight. Eric was supposed to have to work but didn't, so he was here as well. After dinner, Rhiannon and I took Oreo for a long walk and later went to the Perk for drinks. I've missed hanging out with her. She's so easy to talk to... still somebody I'd love to hang out with more often.
We're going to try to be working out buddies. We both need the support and have the desire to get fit. So, we're going to try to get together a couple times a week to have a decent meal and work out downstairs together. Hopefully it will be good enough support for the both of us that we can be good the majority of the time. I need to change so much... my diet, my exercise level. Laziness just won't do. I gained some weight over the holidays. I'm only 125 right now, but I WANT to be about 110. Fifteen pounds to lose. Phuck. I don't look bad, I just don't look as waifish as I would like to. I'm not about to be anorexic, and diet pills simply fuck you up. I need LIFESTYLE changes.
Anyway, this cocktail is going down nicely. I've mixed Bacardi Limon with cranberry and Sprite. It's strong, but tingling in my veins QUITE nicely.
I go wild because it doesn't make sense, for me to cry out in my own defense...--Poe, Wild
I got a letter from  zero3kid today as well... :) I'm just about to write her back as well...
Eric played an Erasure song that brought back some memories tonight. You know what? I made it through December 29th this year without even blinking an eye. It was the seven year anniversary of something life-changing and horrible. This is the first year I didn't retreat into a hole and bawl senselessly for hours on end. Glad to finally be able to face it with no weird side effects.
You've got some nerve to come back here...
You're not the only one who can smell fear... -- Poe, Wild
current music: Poe - Wild
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| Saturday, January 5th, 2002
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1:23 pm - Nothing like the amusement of a good book...
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I have no idea the plans for today... I don't even care if we do NOTHING. Jack Shit and I used to be good friends and now...well, our friendship is suffering. I don't spend enough time doing him.
I'm having an "I-miss-Steamboat" day. I miss the stupid little things. Like going down to the taxi and talking to Casey, or going with my roommate, Andy, to Lyon's Drug Store to get a tin roof sundae. Country swinging at the old Hilltop... which is now some dumbass piano bar, I hear... I miss going on hikes with Hunter. I sometimes even miss the drama... I wonder if I need it in my life from time to time. I guess sometimes I just want something in my life that's comparable to the intensity I feel. Somehow things have to match up.
If I could go anywhere, right now, I'd go to visit Carol out at Red Runner Dog Sled Tours and Red Rover Resort where I used to work. And then I would go to the taxi just to say "hello" to all the mechanics there. Then maybe I'd take a drive on the country backroads, while smoking a cigar. (I don't smoke, but I used to drink beer and smoke while driving the country roads. That was just something that seemed to go well together...)
Or maybe I'd just say "fuck it" like I'm going to right now and head to the living room to read my book. Because it's better that way. Because no matter what way I look at it-- I can't go back. Even if I did, nothing would be the same. To an extent, that makes me sad. On the other hand, I couldn't be more grateful or happy about the way things are, right now. Chocolate macadamia nut biscotti and chai, here I come with my book!
current music: The Cruxshadows - Deception
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12:58 am
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At this moment... nothing could be more perfect. For the first time in a long time... things are starting to fall into place.
I'm ALLOWING myself to enjoy my relationship.
I have friends that I thought I'd lost because of time and distance... but it turns out that they're back.
Dammit-- I'm having a good hair day!
I'm not sick. I don't have so much as one reason to cry. And I'm off for the next two days.
Anything I feel like I could ask for right now is right in front of me. The positive side of this feels so much smoother. I wonder if I've focused my attention on the wrong ends for all this time for nothing...
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| Thursday, January 3rd, 2002
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3:16 pm
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12:38 am - I miss this journal.
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I miss when I used to not know anybody I was writing for. I miss just saying whatever I wanted to. Sometimes I even miss the crazy lifestyle I used to lead. Although I can't say that I ever could... or even would, for that matter... go back.
If I had never gotten this journal, I would have never met Eric. I wouldn't be living my life as it is now. I wonder sometimes where I'd be. I wonder if I'd still be in Steamboat, hating my life, complaining about the bullshit and finding no one worthy of being anything more than a fuckbuddy. I wonder if I'd still be trying so hard to fit into shoes that were never quite comfortable enough. I wonder if I'd still be flirting senselessly with Colin, even though I just see him as a good friend. I wonder if I still would be wandering around with my heart half broken and mourning over and overanalyzing the mystery and love of Casey. I wonder if I would still be living in a broke down trailer, with too many animals and no one I could really talk to... except for my dog. I wonder if I would still be wishing for something else... anything-- to get me out of there. I wonder if I would still go home and cry every night because of things that I knew were my fault ultimately. I wonder if I would still have to be altering myself in every way possible to be "pretty". I wonder if I would still care what everybody thought of me.
So much has changed in this last year. I'm not the same person anymore. Looking back, it was for the greater good. Slowly, I can feel myself blossoming and becoming something more peaceful... not just some fucked up rollercoaster.
Some things I will take with me forever. Parts of Steamboat live in the mini-smiles that tug on my lips at certain thoughts and memories. Other parts live in the bile that rises into my throat when I realize what I was there. I try to forget things... but I can't.
It's always the little things that come back to haunt you. For the first time in my life-- I'm starting to see clearly who I am.
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| Wednesday, May 16th, 2001
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10:45 am - I found this and thought it was so FUNNY...
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SOME MESSAGES YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the fuck was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell 'til I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket ....I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday-so we're having you put to sleep."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in the Deep South)
current mood:  crazy
current music: Train... Meet Virginia
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| Monday, May 14th, 2001
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1:06 pm - Frightening....
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I just visited this site to see what some of the people I graduated with are doing. As with every visit I've had to that shithole town since I left when I was 18 years old... I was appalled and sickened. It seemed like every person I looked at said, "I got married to my high school sweetheart and now have kids.... still living in Craig."
Don't these people give a shit about experiencing life? I hope I don't offend anyone by saying this-- because it's only my personal belief, and my guidelines for myself, but.... I don't think anybody should just go right on out of high school, marry their sweetheart and have kids. I think they are cheating themselves. I have nothing against marriage or against having children-- and I hope to do both someday.
But there is a WORLD out there. There is so much to see and experience, and I think that should be first. I'm sitting here at 22 years old and I can't imagine already being tied down like that. It was just recently that I even considered myself to be ready for a RELATIONSHIP. A year ago, loyalty would have been either quite difficult-- or near impossibe with me. I didn't have a CLUE what I wanted or what to do with it if I even had it. Sometimes I STILL don't know what to do with it, but at least I'm learning.
When my mother was my age, she already had a two-year-old daughter-- me. She has had two men in her life... EVER. My father and my step-dad that raised me. On one hand, I envy that. I could never be so pacified. I've always been the one out of the family that had to search for deeper meaning in EVERYTHING and everyone. Sometimes what I wanted was right there before me the whole time, but I couldn't appreciate it until I'd spread my wings a bit and realized WHY I loved it so much. Maybe this just has to do with the type of person I am, rather than society. Maybe that kind of life is ENOUGH for some people. It's just not for me.
I enjoy my freedom. I don't think committment would be a thing I could appreciate if I hadn't totally experienced the freedom I did. I just don't understand that mind-set. I just don't at ALL.
current mood:  aggravated
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| Saturday, May 12th, 2001
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12:19 pm - Just me, Loki, and Nikki hanging out....
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Eric and Bobby went to some fun thing in Boulder for the day. As for me... I have to work HERE which is something I don't normally do on the weekends-- but this one was an exception. Nevertheless, it sucks. Not to mention that I got a call this AM asking me to come in even earlier. BLAH.
That's okay because I plan on going out and getting DRUNK AS HELL when I get off work tonight! I wonder if the guys will still be awake enough to hang... who knows? If not, I'll just go by myself! :P
current mood:  energetic
current music: So I Need You... Three Doors Down
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| Friday, May 11th, 2001
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9:50 am - Tickled Pink
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Tickled pink as a tigerlily's underside
Harshness is received as a joke
What I'm about to do these days
Isn't relevant to the words I've spoke..
Filling the me on empty
Suddenly something makes sense
Understated intelligence here
Living in yesterday's pretense.
Doubt my words, convictions
Go ahead and sell yourself short
I am not so helpless
I am not ignorance of any sort.
Mock me, it's okay... you know
You'd never break me even slightly
Everything you don't know here--
Truths that shouldn't be taken lightly.
Caressing a tigerlily's underside
The details intricate as you
As me, as half the population
Our questioning is never through.
Peace lies in complex simplicity
For how deep does it really go?
The reality hits for every being--
You'll reap the seeds you sow.
By LMHS May 11, 2001
I just wrote this one today.... not the best-- but hope you like it...
current mood:  anxious
current music: Itch.... Ani Difranco
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| Monday, April 9th, 2001
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10:38 am - From now on...
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If you want to see this journal, you have to be on my friends list. The same will go for "sourcandy". If you'd like to see this journal... e-mail me and I'll add you to my friends list.
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| Thursday, February 22nd, 2001
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11:21 am - Last night was cool...
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I got to meet Eric! And he's a really cool guy! I was impressed. I was scared out of my little mind to meet him. It's weird to meet someone who already knows so much about you but you've never met them. And I don't shade much of anything from this journal, so it was interesting. And in case anybody was wondering, he is really good looking in person! :) We're going to see Mat's band play on Friday night. I'm stoked!
Well, I've been on the phone all morning looking at job prospects here in Denver. I'm considering staying another week here in Denver and attempting to relocate. I'm trying to get a hold of my cousin Tiffany to see if I could stay will her for the extra week I'll be up here. I've only made about five phone calls, and at least two of the places I've called are trying to get me in for an interview. I'm looking in hotel for right now because that something I'm quite qualified in and can start immediately. One place that seemed kind of cool was the Capitol Hill Mansions... Bed and Breakfast... something or other. I know all of the hotel computer systems... the major ones anyway. I was a guest services manager at Holiday Inn up until I quit in January. Too many politics in that game. I'm pretty positive my supervisor there was sucking off the general manager to get away with the shit she was doing.
Anyhow, I can always find a job to work until I find something better. Where there's a will there's a way. And I'm really fucking sick and tired of Steamboat. I love my friends there, and to an extent... I love the town. But I'm never going to get ahead there. Never. Most jobs available there are ones I'm highly overqualified to do. And if I am qualified to do it, I have to deal with the politics of being a young female trying to get ahead in the business world. The market in Denver is a lot more friendly to accomodate the areas I'm trained to work in. And even if I don't know the job, I pick up really quick and I'm more than willing to learn. It's common sense and memory. If you have that-- you can do anything you put your mind into doing.
I don't really have the money to move right now. About the last thing I want to do is swallow my pride and work doing what I was doing. It's easy money, but I don't think I can sacrifice anymore of my respect. I'll figure out something. I always do. If I have to, I'll take on a job waitressing to earn tips for a couple of weeks. That's quick money. Not easy, but quick. And I have SOME experience in that, too. And that doesn't require swallowing my pride. I'll figure this out. I've done it before... and I'll do it again. Never underestimate the power of Leigh on a mission!
Well, Mat still isn't awake. He was bitching last night about getting up early and going job searching. I've been up since 8:30 am, and I think I have more job prospects than he does at this point. How frickin' hard is it to get a job in Denver? I mean, all I did was make a couple of phone calls. There's really no excuse for being jobless, but sssshhhh... I didn't say that.
Well, I hope Eric is doing okay today. I know he had to get up at the butt crack of dawn... ouch. Hope you're feeling okay!
I suppose I'd better get busy talking to the walls or something. I'm going to lose my mind again today... I can feel it. Mat is playing in Ft.Collins tonight. I have no idea what I'm going to do. Maybe stay here and watch a movie? Maybe find Tiffany? Maybe fuckin' talk to the walls? Jesus, how can he sleep? It's almost fuckin' noon! Lazy ass. I love him to death, but still....
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| Tuesday, February 20th, 2001
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2:22 pm - I DON'T WANT TO BE AN EXOTIC DANCER....
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I figured out something about myself last night. My morals are higher than I thought they were. I worked my first night at PT's last night. I thought it sucked. Ya know, I saw the other side of it that I didn't when I auditioned. Some of those girls are ROUGH. They have no other ambition other than to make money hustling dirty old men for the rest of their lives. I CAN'T DO IT. I had so many men interested and I couldn't bring myself to lie and be flirty and all over them like some of the girls. Unfortunately, the challenge just attracted them more. But I don't think I'm the one for the job for this sort of shit. Six of the girls that work there are pregnant. I'm the only one there that I've met so far that is single with no children.
I made a lot of money last night... especially a slow Monday. Only one girl surpassed my number in tips and she's been dancing for nine years. She was also giving lap dances the majority of the night when she wasn't dancing. I only gave one-- enough to decide that I wasn't going to be available any longer for lap dances! Perverts! The guy couldn't keep his fuckin' hands off of me and he kept trying to stick his tongue in my crotch! The bouncer had to threaten to remove him. What the hell???
About 3/4 way into the night, I twisted my double jointed knee wrong and blew it out. I had to dance my last five sets with a knee I could barely stand on. I still did awesome and not many were any the wiser, but I was biting back tears from the pain. I had to take a Percoset just to be able to sleep last night I was in so much pain. I have bruises all over my entire body. I called in for tonight. I may call in permanently.
All I kept thinking all night was "I miss Colin. I'm dying to have Colin here." Christ, Colin is an awesome guy! Why the fuck haven't I ever pulled my head out of my ass and realized that? He's the only guy I've ever met who accepts me, weirdness and all. I've never really had a reason to hate him. I got so fucking mad when his ex, Shelly, was in town. But I went out and fucked two other guys, and he just barely messed around with her a couple of times. Since we broke up, the only person Colin has had sex with is ME. I can't claim the same, and he knows that and still remains faithful. God, I'm a jackass sometimes! I've been too dumb to realize that I've got a really great guy on my hands here!
I was on my second to last set last night when some guy sitting at my table asked me why I decided to strip. He knew it was my first night. I'm still too damned honest for my own good, and didn't have a good lie to make up a reason. I wasn't about to say I enjoyed it. My knee felt like it had been shattered with a sledgehammer. (I can't even walk right on it today!) (PAIN.) I just said to him, "Sometimes you've got to do what you've got to do." He shook his head and said, "There's got to be a better way." And he's right. A customer with a brain. That's amazing.
Anyhow, I'm wild... but I'm not dirty. And I don't want this lifestyle bringing me down. My education and intelligence far surpassed the majority of the dancers I met last night. The only beauty they had was on stage, writhing around with their clothes off. My true beauty is what's on the inside. I shouldn't have to prove it in any way other than conversation.
Anyhow, I'm going to quit bumming around and get in the shower, to start my day. Nobody must love me anymore... no one is e-mailing me back when I write. What the hell is up with that???
current mood:  cynical
current music: Going Down... Bruce Springstten... oldie but goody...
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| Saturday, February 17th, 2001
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12:12 pm - Decisions, decisions, decisions....
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Just when I think that my life is normal, it all goes to shit. Well, here's a briefing of what's going on with me. First of all, I'm in hell with medical problems again. I have to have surgery... again. That's expensive as fuck. I found this out Tuesday. Also on Tuesday, I found out that my old boss fucked up my taxes, so my return is diddly squat compared to what I was expecting. And then, the Hotel Bristol just had to do some budget cuts and laid off half of the staff for the time being, and I was one of the ones to lose my job. I got to hear the "We're really sorry and it's not your fault" spiel. I went home that day and for the first time in a long time... I broke down and cried.
So, I'm going up to work in Denver for a few weeks as an exotic dancer at P.T.s Show Club. But thankfully, that's not the end of the line. I'm not completely fucked. My father is expanding his business and opening up another store in Grand Junction. They need somebody with management experience and a knowledge of the cellular and electronics and loan business to run the store. They've asked me to do it. It means relocating my entire life. Yet, I need to get the fuck out of this town before it eats me alive. Their first offer was to fix my car and they'd pay for an apartment for me down there until I can pay them back. (My parents have refused to help me with ANYTHING my whole life... even when I was everything short of homeless... so it shocked me-- no doubt!) But I'm not a charity case and told them I'm interested in the job... but I'm going to pay for the apartment and fixing my car all on my own. I just don't want too much help. My lifestyle is pretty independent.
They told me I was going to have to get rid of all my pets to move down there and them help me at all. I said that was fine... but not Hunter. They gave the argument that he's one less mouth to feed. I gave the argument that he costs me five dollars a week... and he's my best friend. When nothing else in the world keeps me happy-- he does. By this morning, they compromised. Hunter can come along, but the rest of them have to go. Now somebody tell me how in the hell I'm going to find homes for a siamese, a himalayan, a fluffy white schitzo-cat, and a puppy. Well, the puppy's not hard. I'll figure it out.
Anyway, I'm not completely trapped anymore. I'm stoked because I'm going to be doing what I'm qualified and trained to do. It's hard to take orders when you're so used to giving them. I don't mind stripping to get the money to relocate. I sure as hell don't want to make a profession of it. My body is decent, my brain is where the real beauty is. My brain is a lifetime... bodies tire. There better be an alternate plan. Besides, I don't want to have to say "I'm a stripper". I'd rather say, "I manage a store specializing in cellular and electronics." That's a little more respectable.
I know everyone's going to think that I'm crazy for not just letting my parents pay for everything. I mean, I'm sure everyone thinks it would be better than stripping. But I just want to make it on my own. It may not be the best way, but it's my way... and if it works-- then why not? At least I did it on my own.
This move is going to be exactly what I need. This town has brought me down. I know I need to make some changes in my life. Here is the perfect opportunity to do just that. I need something stable in my life. I need a job I go to everyday, my life not being the subject of gossip, and to quit sleeping around. Steamboat is a fucking wonderland. There's no sense of permanance anywhere here. I'm tired of being in the gray area in the middle. Life needs to move on from this. I've played enough. Time to grow up and look at my future. Here we go...
I also went the other day and got checked for every STD imaginable. I have nothing. Know what that means? Me being lucky once again, has made me decide to knock all my shit off and quit sleeping around. I'm going monogamous or without. Preferably monogamous, but if I have to make a choice between acting like a fuckin' slut like I have been lately or abstinent... then I'm going abstinent. I realized when I was being quizzed about it that I've had sex with 11 new people in the last year. That's almost one new person a month!!! That's not to count all the old fuck buddies that I've been with here and there and off and on. Thank heaven for condoms. At least I was smart and safe... because it's paid off. Now, I'm not even bothering with the risk.
Basically what I'm trying to say here is that the life I've been living has outgrown it's form. It's not fitted to who I am becoming, and who I desire to be. Some changes need to be made, and I don't find that bad. Who knows? I might find happiness after all... If not, then you know what? I'll just pick up the pieces and start over again until I get it right. I've already hit rock bottom. I've been there, and I don't want to go again. But I survived it and was stronger because of it. And that's all that matters. It really is.
current mood: determined
current music: Last Time... Fuel.... I love these guys....
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