this is totally fascinating.

some of you know i am part of a book. in am 'come' in the book Skin by Shelly Jackson.

for onfo on what the hell i am talking about go here

the lj community - mortalworkofart

and now this fabulous idea made real...

a high school project... http://www.tps.k12.mi.us/galleries/englart/index.html

i love it!

"Underwear Goes Inside The Pants"

Why is marijuana not legal? Why is marijuana not legal?
It's a natural plant that grows in the dirt.
Do you know what's not natural?
80 year old dudes with hard-ons. That's not natural.
But we got pills for that.
We're dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect,
but we're putting people in jail for something that grows in the dirt?

You know we have more prescription drugs now.
Every commercial that comes on TV is a prescription drug ad.
I can't watch TV for four minutes without thinking I have five serious diseases.
Like: "Do you ever wake up tired in the morning?"
Oh my god I have this, write this down. Whatever it is, I have it.
Half the time I don't even know what the commercial is:
people running in fields or flying kites or swimming in the ocean.
I'm like that is the greatest disease ever. How do you get that?
That disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy.

The schools now: It is all about self-esteem in the schools now.
Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves.
If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who is going to dance in our strip clubs?
What's going to happen to our porno industry?
These women don't just grown on trees.
It takes lots of drunk dads missing dance recitals before you decide to blow a goat on the internet for fifty bucks.
And if that disappears, where does that leave me on a Friday night with my new high speed connection?

Masterminds are another word that comes up all the time.
You keep hearing about these terrorists masterminds that get killed in the middle east.
Terrorists masterminds.
Mastermind is sort of a lofty way to describe what these guys do, don't you think?
They're not masterminds.
"OK, you take bomb, right? And you put in your backpack. And you get on bus and you blow yourself up. Alright?"
"Why do I have to blow myself up? Why can't I just:"
"Who's the fucking mastermind here? Me or you?"

Americans, let's face it: We've been a spoiled country for a long time.
Do you know what the number one health risk in America is?
Obesity. They say we're in the middle of an obesity epidemic.
An epidemic like it is polio. Like we'll be telling our grand kids about it one day.
The Great Obesity Epidemic of 2004.
"How'd you get through it grandpa?"
"Oh, it was horrible Johnny, there was cheesecake and pork chops everywhere."

Nobody knows why were getting fatter? Look at our lifestyle.
I'll sit at a drive thru.
I'll sit there behind fifteen other cars instead of getting up to make the eight foot walk to the totally empty counter.
Everything is mega meal, super sized. Want biggie fries, super sized, want to go large.
You want to have thirty burgers for a nickel you fat mother fucker. There's room in the back. Take it!
Want a 55 gallon drum of Coke with that? It's only three more cents.

Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life.
Do you think if Bill Gates got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?
Of course not.
You got to spend a long time in your own locker with your underwear shoved up your ass before you start to think,
"You'll see. I'm going to take of the world of computers! I'll show them."

We're in one of the richest countries in the world,
but the minimum wage is lower than it was thirty five years ago.
There are homeless people everywhere.
This homeless guy asked me for money the other day.
I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol.
And then I thought, that's what I'm going to use it on.
Why am I judging this poor bastard.
People love to judge homeless guys. Like if you give them money they're just going to waste it.
Well, he lives in a box, what do you want him to do? Save it up and buy a wall unit?
Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a CD rack? He's homeless.
I walked behind this guy the other day.
A homeless guy asked him for money.
He looks right at the homeless guy and says why don't you go get a job you bum.
People always say that to homeless guys like it is so easy.
This homeless guy was wearing his underwear outside his pants.
Outside his pants. I'm guessing his resume isn't all up to date.
I'm predicting some problems during the interview process.
I'm pretty sure even McDonalds has a "underwear goes inside the pants" policy.
Not that they enforce it really strictly, but technically I'm sure it is on the books.

for those of you who would like to hear the group...

Lazyboy TV

the album is all spoken word over DJ mixed sounding music. I have no idea how much of the music is original, and dont particularly care. there is a song about how to roll the perfect joint (european style), whether or not you are qualified for life, and some statistics about humans as a whole. its philosophy, irony, and a dash of social conscious all in one. unique in my experience, and fun to listen to.

for those of you easily offended, listen to Man Woman (Yin & Yang) it will probably piss you off. though it makes me giggle, go figure. in fact, the only reason i know its offensive - one of my coworkers really hated the whole album after listening to that song. "You are a woman, thats why you like it." he said. which actually came closer to pissing me off than the song ever accomplished.

today i go shopping with julie. we are gonna brave the wilds of georgia to find a mystical factory outlet mall we heard of (and have driven past on the way to atlanta. the adventure part is due to the fact we both have vastly different ideas on how to get there. should be a giggle.

at my request we are also gonna look for a harry and david store. chocolate, here i come! and right before girl scout cookie delivery. who said the holidays is the fat food time. its febuary for me baby!

today they are supposed to fix my tub. the spout has had a leak for a long time, and has recently gotten quite bad. when paying for water, and listening to the damned pipes run, its annoying. took three weeks for them to get here, but they finally made it.

one of the amusing things about having ink and metal apparent on the body is the need by the general public to ask about it all. staring also amuses.

nothing really exciting happening. i am on a horomonal high right now. all monthly and shit. feelin good. hopefully nothing happens to piss me off and ruin that.

PRINEVILLE, Ore. - Jacob Aaron Ryon is the size of a healthy 3-month old. Only problem is, he's less than two weeks old. Jacob weighed 14 pounds and 1 ounce when he was born to Wendy Bullock, 24, on Jan. 21 at Pioneer Memorial Hospital. He measured 24 inches.

"The whole hospital was a buzz," grandmother Aaron Miller said. "He's just a little man."

Jacob, who was delivered by Caesarean section, was so big he busted out of newborn-sized diapers and his one-piece sleepers. A nurse had to run to the store to get him bigger clothes, Miller said.

Jacob is one of the biggest newborns in Central Oregon in recent memory.

Doctors at Mountain View Hospital delivered an 11-pound girl in 2000, administrator Rick Nader said. At St. Charles Medical Center-Bend, a 13-pound baby was likely the largest ever born there, spokesman Todd Sprague said.

Proud mother Bullock, who is 6-feet tall, doesn't mind the extra load.

"I'm just happy he came out healthy and strong and I made it through," she said. "He's perfect."

Last month in northeastern Brazil, a 38-year-old woman gave birth to a 16 pound, 11-ounce baby boy named Ademilton.

i ache just thinking about it.

yesterday i got pierced finally. it looks very nifty. i am really happy with the jewelry, much different from what i had before. instead of the bar being a curve, it is all straight, with two 90 degree angled endings that are the bit outside the skin. looks like a staple. i think it will heal well, and the piercing process was relatively painless. she didnt clamp the skin. and even though it took two very long breaths for both piercings (when someone is sticking a needle through your skin two breaths can seem a long time indeed) even that part didnt hurt anywhere near as badly as it did when i was clamped. we had a b it of a worry. when she was trying to put the jewelry in -

side note for those of you, who seem to abound, who do not know how such a piercing works here is a brief rundown.
- everything sanitized. i waited for 20 minutes while all the metal used during the process (7 different pieces, including the jewelry) was finishing its sterilization in a little machine. then she cleans me, and her, and uses gloves... its damned clean.
- i relax. i take deep breaths with controlled exhales. it relaxes the muscles and will help me stay still.
- we chose the placement. that took 20 minutes.
- she gets everything ready right within reaching distance.
- she uses one hand to gently pinch the skin into a furrow, with the marks for the piercing clear. then, on my exhale, she pushes the needle firmly through the skin. it has to go fairly deep, the jewelry has about 1/16 - 1/8 inch depth. this is rather difficult, skin would rather stretch than tear or puncture. pain is fairly minimal, feeling like a really sharp pinch.
- the needle is hollow, and the needles chosen are slightly larger than the jewelry. every needle is used once, and will actually take a tube of flesh with it, allowing the room for the metal in your body, rahter than making the body stretch around a foreign object. once the sharp end of the needle has come through the opposite side, she pauses, picks up the jewelry, and has it immediatly follow the needle as its exits the wound, allowing no vaccuum for the flesh to attempt to close.

at that point we had a little bobble. since the bar is like a staple, with corners, it was difficult to get through. the first piercing took over five minute for her to get the jewelry to make that corner and come out the opposite side. it didnt particularly hurt, any more than i knew it would. but she sure got mad at herself. which actually made me like her as a professional even better. and she learned, the second piercing was very fast in comparison.

so, tis done, i love it. the only thing possibly wrong is she may not have pierced deeply enough. one in particular seems to stick out a bit. which, at certain visual angles, ruins the effect. instead of balls seemingly floating about the brow, i have little spikes sticking out. if its something that just looks bad, and i dont like, we are gonna take out the jewelry in a couple of weeks, and try again after it heals. she had never done something like this on the face, so its a learning process. and she is pretty delighted i am willing to allow her the chance. point of fact, i love that she is willing to listen to me and go for it with some thought.

it looks pretty nifty!

only i dont have any.

its lovely here. around 30 degrees i am thinking. nice lovely rain that is freezing almost on impact. the trees are all lovely white wwith the ice, many of them breaking.

i am taking the camera ma gave me for the holidays (that i didnt use then, duh) and taking lots of nature shots. thinking i can use them for quilting ideas. all my ideas for the past year have been based in the patterns found in nature. t he colors. the way everythig blends, yet each individual piece plays part.

thats my deep thought of the moment. huh

time to find a trashy book and kill a few braincells with unrealistic heros and ditzy blonds.

oh. yeah. movie of the day. "uptown girls" very kitzy. or something. yet i cried like a baby. its was really sweet all in all. its a keeper.

doings of the week - my car broke. the alternator died, which eventually took out the battery. lucky for me, ricky loves julie who loves me, so he came over and found out what was wrong, took the parts to the store i got them from three months ago, and had then filled by warrenty. whew. and then put them in. int he dark and chill breeze. i am a lucky girl, yes i am.

that was my week. that and work. still no piercing, as the car died on my way there. a am starting to think the cosmos dont want me to get this damned thing done. goddesses know no one else does but me and my piercer. which is gonna make me more determined to do it.

and, i have been feeling age creeping. i am going to be 30 this year. my boss just had her 30th birthday,a nd for some reason that brought it to light for me. so, i decided. instead of being my normal hermit self and avoiding everyone on my birthday... i am gonna start collecting the booze now. i will invite everyone i have met here, and then some. and i am going to get as many people drunk, including me, as have designated drivers. yep. thats my plan. by then i will have gifted myself with a black corset, more ink on my body, and a clean home. it will all come together, i swear.

Jim -

You do make me smile. Ma told me, a couple of days ago, thats how you emailed me. I am very glad all those little connections happened.

I had almost forgotten how we met online. I have not thought very hard about Alanon in a long time. At work I shelve the recovery section, which of course includes that topic. When I do I tend to wonder how Chris (my friend who was the reason I first checked out Alanon) is doing. He and I are not as close as we used to be. When I moved here, I drove, and took a while getting here. I spent two weeks with him in Colorado. It was a good visit to have. I think the longest standing thing I took from it is that I will always care and I cannot help him. He has to accomplish his life on his own. We talk every few months now.

I remember when you started with the motorcycles. I knew you had them, I didnt know you were traveling so far. Lol, thats a tough trip to make. Did you enjoy it?

My best friend, Julie, lives here (the reason I chose this area to run to) and recently got married. For thier honeymoon they took his Harley to Florida. They both love to ride, though they have yet to make any really big trips. Florida (about 12 hours or so) seems to be her limit thus far.

It will be really nifty to chat with you again. As I recall you often had YM on at work, but mostly were rather busy with, well, work. I dont have a home computer set up yet, gonna be a few more months on that material goal. At the moment I come into the library, about once a week or so.

When i moved I got rid of everything I owned except what could fit into my 1985 Mercury Lynx (just like a ford escort). That included selling my computer and all my furniture. I only kept clothing, a few personal items, and my sewing supplies. It was a very full car with just that, lol. I even got rid of the 700+ CD's I had been collecting since high school. They paid for my little vagabond across the U.S.

It was refreshing. Scary. Liberating. Nauseating. Heartbreaking. One of the best experiences I have had yet. Its taken me all this time to be comfortable with having 'things' again. For a while there they felt like anchors, weighing me down. At 29 I am finally realizing I can do anything, and believing it. Well, I am working on it anyway. Including being happy with being in one place, or choosing to move when I find another place to be.

My little apartment is covered in color. Mostly art from friends and my own spashs of creativity. I am lucky enough to work with several aspiring artists whose work fascinates me. And sometimes my own ideas please me greatly. Interspersed with all this wall color, are several framed cards with words and sayings. Words hold such power. My favorite says, in much nicer language and parable, "Life is about the journey, not the destination." And right now I am working on my journey of staying still.

How has your journey been? It sounds like you are content, but looking for something. Thats part of the fun, to wake up and see something new every day.

I have also felt you are a pretty special guy, and I know I have been lucky to have you in my life, however periferal it can be.

i didnt get pierced today as hoped. but, i have an appointment for tuesday night. thats all good. and i got to get my tattooer started on some art for me. gonna cover that silly set of scars on my ankle sometime soonish.

i got veggies instead of a piercing, probly a very good thing.

and i got a pretty watch i will forget to wear.

thats my day off. time to go home and bake banana bread, watch another silly movie (walking tall i think) and make some stew for lunchs.

*knod* my day.

oh yeah, out of a weird guilty feeling - previous post with the link to the tater vader - kudos to netgecko for the link in the first place. so there.

http://www.hasbro.com/starwars/pl/page.news/id.1130/dn/default.cfm

too damned funny. i want one, cause i was always scared to pieces of darth vadar. now i can take him to pieces... ooooo, i really am gonna go look for it.

ok, i give up. i hafta admit this is gonna be the same as the entry under my-space. sigh. in a month or so when i have my computer hooked up and ready to go at home, that will be easier to keep up with.

physical therapy day. the lady who has been working with me for the last three weeks is really sweet. very veggie gal. we have good conversations. til she hits a pressure point and i stop breathing. i leave them feeling really relaxed. but within 30 minutes or so my shoulder starts to seize like a car without oil (oh shit, i need to check that...). at this point, 2 hours later, i feel like someone repeatedly pummled me with a stick, and is now sitting on all my tendons and muscles squeezing.

lets just say it hurts.

last night i bought a monitor. i got it at walmart (which i would not have considered but...) on sale. its sold as-is, no box, no info, no cords. so, i need to get a power cord, a monitor cord, and of course a computer to hook it to, which is coming this month. i hope hope hope it works. its a 15 inch skinny little flat screen. yannow, the kind that are about 4 inches in depth. if it works. it will be fabulous for the space saving alone. $125 is a hell of a lot less than i anticipated gettin one for.

i just had lunch at the brick oven grill. on the whole a very nice experience. they live about 1 block from me, so i have ordered to-go many a time with good results. today i decided i deserved a stress free sit-down lunch. its got an ok atmosphere. and huge portions, at least for a lunch menu. i was stuffed after the house salad. so, i brought home most of my eggplant parmesean. yummy noodles though.

last night i went shopping. reason #1582 to love having small boobs. i can buy nearly whatever shirt i want. they all fit! well, they fit better. and i can wear the frou frou i was never able to get away with before without looking like a ruffled pumpkin! anyway, new shirts are in my closet.

why dont many people enjoy the moment? for instance, why would you spend $4 on a cuppa coffee you are just gonna slurp down without pleasure? how can you not close your eyes at that wonderful scent of sweet caffiene that is going to taste so good all the way? where is the smile of ecstacy at the first taste of sublime flavor? just get mcdonalds and gulp it down if thats all it is to ya. yeesh.

time to go home and make lemonade. well, gotta go fruit and veggie shoppign first. love the fresh market. then lemonade. then laundry. then playing at home with paint and such things. its my day off. i plan to enjoy it as much as the rest.

first off... at the request of a few coworkers, i now have a little journal/blog on www.myspace.com. if you check it out, look for vagabond indigo, not erin. it will have different stuff, as i am too lazy to post the same shit twice anywhere. it may be a bit edited however, as these are people i work with, and in many cases, supervise.

last weekend was a prime example of why i need to get a computer at home. NOW! LJ was down, and i never got on, even though i had loads to say. all of which i have since forgotten. hmph.

oh, and i am seriously irritated with whatever high falutin mucky uck decided to end Dark Angel after two seasons. mean mean i tell ya.

other than that, today was insanely busy for a monday, and its gonna take me hours to process and decompress from the go-go-Go-Go-MOVE YOUR ASS mode i have been in all day.

time to go bounce into a ceiling.

oh yeah, material desires - more dvds, a new bed, and a computer. all of which will happen within the next two months. very nice bein little miss me.

1 - i will actually be able to read and think about friends entries.
2 - i will actually be able to read and think about group entries.
3 - i will be able to post about every minute in my life again, never missing any random 2am thought.
4 - i will forget what the library looks like as i certainly dont need to come here for the books.

December 23 - work 5 hours, go to laundry mat for clean clothing to pack, pick up last minute things i dont really need, worry about cats being bad whilst gone, pack til 1am. take a 2 hour nap before getting on the road to atlanta.
December 24 - get lost in atlanta airport parking. finally get parked, and in line for ticketing at 545 am. arrive at front of line at 710am and am told i may miss my 810am flight, but maybe if i run... (snicker, like thats gonna happen) make it through the 1000+ people in line for the security checkpoint at 750am. make it to boarding gate at 815am. breath a sigh of relief to find lane is late anyway, and proceed to drink excellent coffee while waiting to board. for another hour. in minneapolis find gate, and eat some lunch during layover. learn ther are restaurants who combine hawaiin and mexican themed dishes, for a really good dish. mango garlic fajitas are yummy. get on plane, an hour later than scheduled, to spend 6+ hours to anchorage with the most annoying people on earth. here are the cast of characters...
- sitting next to me are the two drunks. they get on drunk (and reeking) and proceed to stay that way for the entire flight. thank goodness they were polite. and only a little rambunctious.
- sitting across the aisle from me is the sweet lady whos biggest worry in life is missing her connecting flight to fairbanks due to the late flight we are on. after the 2nd hour, and listening to her stop EVERY SINGLE flight attendant who walks by, asking for our arrival time and asking them to ask the fairbanks flight to wait... i decide screaming, while noisy and potentially a felony on board a commercial airline... would be very gratifying.
- the old man sitting behind her. the prankster. who decides its the most amusing thing on earth to use his watch as a reflector and shine it in my eyes or on my book while reading. every time i turn around and glare at him with my meanest look (that makes children cry, i love that) he just grins and giggles.
- and the older man behind me who actually caused me to consider homicide. it wasnt when he complained about my seat being back. it wasnt when he used my seat as leverage to get himself up, propelling me backwards several inches each time. it wasnt even when he grabbed my hair while doing the seat thing. it was listening to him bitch, loudly "i have been in a fucking seat like this since 6am! jesus christ! these fucking airlines have no courtesy..." it went on and on. in a loud shrill voice. i cannot abide rudeness for no good reason, or ubiquitous swearing. fucking ridiculous.
arrive in good piece, a bit grouchy. forget all woes when i look at those mountains. alaska is still home.
christmas - wake up. clean house. think to self that i dont know where i got the idea it was a good thing to live without cat hair coating every surface, or that sticking to the kitchen floor was a bad thing. sigh. ma tries to be a real mom, but sometimes she misses a little. eat breakfast of the most fabulous french toast, and open gifts, of which i listed. on the whole, a lovely day.
december 26 - go rent movies. spend most of trip introducing ma to her new dvd player, and watching every movie i know she would like but didnt bother to see.
december 27 - visit with 730kgb15 at my fave diner, sal's in soldotna. then finally meet the lovely mattwolf my only disappointments are that i dont meet the family, or get to spend more time with him. it was very relaxing. he is a gentleman.
december 28 - relax a lot. eat excellent clam chowder. pack. catch the 1030 pm flight out.
december 29 - arrive in atlanta at 2pm. leave at 330pm, after getting luggage, making a claim on one luggage bit that was destroyed, packing the brand new piece they give me, and finding my car. go home greatfully, smiling when i see my kitties.
december 30 - january 4 - work 10+ hour days to make up for being gone. enjoy and hate it at the same time. give away most of the canned salmon i am sent home with, as its more than i will eat in 10 years.
and today -
went to my very first physical therapy session. she evaluated, asked a lot of question, did some light massage and pressure, and some stretching excercises. i am wiped out, and its only 1pm. the really lovely thing about it is she thinks its all just a buttload of tension over the last 15 years, that may be able to be worked through in a few months of weekly therapy and lots of me doing 'homework' therapy excercises. that would be very good indeed. my mobility on my right side is shot, and my posture is terrible. i am sooooooo happy to be actively working to fix it.
now i go home and vaccuum. and take a nap. and watch more 'Dark Angel' episodes. i treated myself to the first and second seasons on dvd. through the first 7 episodes. good stuff. gorgeous people, impossible stunts, short skirts. love it. now if only alias 3rd season would come in, my tv on dvd would be heaven.

life is good. hope y'all are ok and enjoying the new year. i feel... odd. i feel liek its a whole new world for me right now. i feel old yet energized. i feel crampy. well, at least thats now how i began January 1st.

This has been kinda fun. I have the feeling I am going to be movied out, I got ma a DVD player, and thus far we have watched 6 movies in 2 days, plus a trip to the theater today for "Ocean's 12" (which was very amusing).

Now we watch the two movies we rented whilst in town, plus the one I made her buy ("The Last Castle", I know she will love it.).

Its something to do while surrounded by a brewing snowstorm. Should get a few inches today and tonight. very cool. but no view of the northern lights, sigh.

so, here is the list, for weetanya who provided me a lovely excuse to be gloatingly materialistic.
- allergy free comforter
- plus a couple of pillows made out of the same stuff, whatever it is
- $100 sears gift certificate, very cool, i get to shop when i go home
- a framed print by Barbara Lavallee, hugs and kisses, that is signed, along with the book that was written afterwards. made me cry, its very sweet.
- a calendar
- a little kitty, ceramic
- a really cool pattern from a quilt artist here, along with a lot of the fabric needed, hand dyed of course
- a cutting board made by my uncle
- ma is getting me an ulu (look it up, cool eskimo knife)
- an old needlepoint art bit my mother did years ago i remember well while growing up. (oddly enough my uncle had that and gave it to me)
- a friend at work painted me a lovely inuit inspired totemic drawing. i look forward to hanging it up
- a kitty cat shaped plate (totally decorative)
- disposable cameras, now just get me to use them while i am here

i am missing things, i know it. its been a good holiday all in all, mostly because i am home. this place still feels that way.

love you all, i have no cell phone reception in the boonies, so, know i am thinking of you.

I am in Alaska.

It so fucking beautiful.


The last few days have been interesting. I will try to post post tomorrow. suffice to say the fam is fine, traveling for 12 hours with 50000 other people sucks, coffee is the nectar of the gods, and i got lots of stuff today.

y'all have a good weekend. Merry days to ya.

i have a migraine. i have had said migraine for 8 FREAKING DAYS!!!!

i am a wee bit frustrated about this. due to said migraine i have the appetite of a really little squirrel. i eat less than my cats right now. which leaves me feeling very wobbly. but, better than throwing up and passing out because my brain exploded out my ears.

it throbs. i move, my head throbs. i have a cough right now, and i cough (as i do every couple of minutes) and my head throbs. i stand up, my head throbs. i bend over, ... yeah, you got it.

sleeping doesnt seem to help. instead, i wake up every hour, feeling my head pain. drugs dont help, even the lovely migraine meds my doc gave me wednesday. however, on a serious up note he did get rid of my allergies, and got me started on physical therapy for my shoulder.

i am stiff, sore, and just getting worse. i am almost sure this was all helped along by the fact i had almost no heat in my house during the little cold snap that started last week. at night my little abode was getting down to about 35 degrees. me and the cats snuggle really well when we wanna.

for the past two nights i have woken up in the wee hours completely soaked with sweat, like a fever break. which makes me wonder if something else is going on. i will be calling my doc on monday and doing my very best not to let that whiny tone enter my voice.

thats the bad. and i gotta say, its really distracting, so the good is hard to find. hmmm, since last week... well, i live. and i like that on the whole, though at the moment i am questioning. dying of a brain explosion was not how i envisioned going. it hurts too damned much.

how aweful.

anyway. having a bit of a hard couple of days. called in sick yesterday, just feelign generally blah. well, the work gods punished me and i have the magrain from hell. working on 36 hours of pain at this point, and i gotta tell ya, it got old yesterday. today its just pissing me off.

i had weird dreams this morning. one of them involved my old roommate cathena. she is crazy, and in my dream she had a huge family and ruled the roost. it wasnt til i woke up and puzzled over my dream that i realized who she was, and then i was really confused.

yes weetanya, i have wednesdays off.

i am having a craving for christmas tunes. i must be ill.

do you ever feel like you have 'stock' subject lines? i do. how to create a little more diversity in those one line quips?

my car is dying. actually my brakes are dying. they are making this lovely grinding sound that is getting worse. i suspect its gonna be a very expensive thing invoving both the brakes and a wheel or two, so i am just praying for it to survive til january. otherwise christmas vacation is gonna be seriously shoestring.

today someone gave me a table. a nice big wooden table. i can craft! i can sew! its all organizeable and doable now! i am so freaking excited. i realized i have not quilted anything, ANYTHING, since i moved. no wonder i am a freaking creative basket case.

and thats it. i am still sleepy from my drug prob of the other day. it feels pretty good to be me though.

but i wont.

last night i went crazy chrismas shopping. and for me i got the bestest zebra printed luggage set ever. they make me giggle.

i also got things started for my one craft project of the holiday. looking forward to that.

and for the first time ever i had an allergic reaction to a drug. took some pain pills when i got home (for the shoulder which was screaming at me by then) and started putting away the gazilion purchases. all of a sudden i was dizzy in a bad way, extremely nauseous, and couldnt see straight. i sat down, closed my eyes, and almost went to sleep on the couch. the only way to control the sick dizzy feeling was to lay down in the dark. so to bed i went, thinking i would sleep it off. oh no. my heart rate was a bit elevated, and i literally did not sleep all night. i called my doc this morning, and we determined it was an allergic reaction compounded by the fact i didnt eat within four hours of the pill popping. so, i called into work this morning, cause when those effects wore off at about 9am, i was totally useless. and took a scattered four hour nap. now i am on my way to work to finish the day, and trying not to be grumpy about it. one thing, ik should sleep well tonight.

i want this shoulder fixed so i dont hafta have experiences like that. i know i like experiences, and someday i may be glad for this one... but it sucked. dont like it, dont want it no mo.

:)

i have been thinkin.

this is not a new thing at all, its just rare that i decide to share.

and i am not sharing, i am telling my journal. so there.

sigh. this journal has traveled far from its original intent. when i started it i only knew one lj feller (the lovely netgecko) who was nice enough to give me an invite back when thats how you got into lj. so, i felt very free to express myself, event he dark bits, which are far and wide. read the first few postings and you will see lots of angst.

now, i am a much happier and contented persont han i was then. i know better who i am and what i am capable of. i like me. but i still have dark bits. and i am tired of not using this journal to excise them because i am more worried about a readers reaction. i know y'all care about me, and dont always understand why i languish over things that are not positive. but its still there, and a part of the whole. and the whole i fine and dandy. its all about balance.

so, heres the balance.

i am pretty sure i am absolutely obsessed with tomanthai. i cant think of another logical reason to still be thinking about him. in fact, i think about him even more today than i did 6 months ago. holiday blues? a side effect of the surgery? i dont know. all i know is i dream about him every night, and some days. and i miss him. i want to talk to him so badly. i want to hear his voice and have him listen to mine.

is it love? do i even know what that is really? is it even possible with this man? i dont know those answers. i just know i sometimes think i must be mad as a fucking hatter for comparing every man i am attracted to to this phantom who wont have anything to do with me.

i just miss him.