Inside

Subject:	Upset again
Time:	7:17 pm.

Dave is mad at me again. Yesterday a boy asked if he could give me his phone number. I said no, I'm married, and walked away. I thought I would be honest and tell dave. He got mad at me! He said I was flirting wiht the kid. I was just being conversational. SO i got mad that he got mad, and after about 30 minutes, he brought up some cookies and milk for me. Sweet right? We apologized, agreed to disagree and I thought everything was fine. Well today, I had this gut wrenching feeling in my tummy that something bad was about to happen or was happening, or already happened. Guess what happened? Dave called me and told me that he went to Hooters with five guys from the squadron, the waitress was hitting on him and asked him to go out wiht her sometime. He said he was married (good boy) and then he proceeds to tell me that the guys were telling him to cheat on me with her and that I would never find out. There was only one guy telling him not to. They all said that marriages never last anyway. What the shit is this??!!!! Then he tells me that "as tempting as it was, I didn't do anything." Excuse me?! I'm not one to get jealous, but does he have to expand on this? I was fine with the fact that he went to hooters and the waitress asked him out, but I didn't need to hear the rest of this. I was frustrated and just kept it in, trying to act like things were ok because I didnt want to cry in front of him. When I asked him why he told me that it was tempting he said that he wanted to be honest and that it felt good to have a pretty girl hit on him, especially because I'm not attracted to him anymore. ugh. I wanted to punch the wall. Why did he need to tell me all of this? So then he got home and was mad that I was ok with everything (acting like it anyway) and so I asked him what he was doing? What was he trying to prove? "nothing" i'm just telling you why you had a bad feeling. I dont' get it. I mean, I do, I feel like he is just trying to prove that it hurts when I supposedly "flirt" wiht other guys or that it isnt ok....but the situations are totally not compareable! I was in the library and the kid next to me asked me how to spell reminisce, adn we started a conversation. I didn't do anything to make him think I wanted him, I was just talking. NOt smiling excessively or winking or wincing the "come hither" look. Nothing. Just talking. But I'm just so irresistable I guess. It's not my fault. God blessed me. Someone shoot me. I hate trying to guess what cheeks is trying to prove or show me or seek revengeance at me. *sigh* I have to go clean the house....more than he has done all week and he is constantly bitching at me. I'M SO FRUSTRATED!!! He left to go to Home Depot with a friend and right when he walked out the door I started crying. It's been a while, but needed I suppose. ugh. ugh. i need some real love. None of this double standard love shit.

peace to me

Comments: Read 7 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	happy happy joy joy
Time:	5:21 pm.
Mood:	Joyous.
Music:	Red Meets Blue - Matt Wertz.

I'm sick....my throat hurts and my head hurts and my ears hurt.
I'm going to watch Lilo and Stitch. I'm going to eat chicken, popcorn, apple pie, and drink some water. mmmm.....random? no, just yummy.

I prayed for "joy" the other night. Specifically joy. The next day I was in the best mood, but couldn't figure it out. Then I remembered...."wow, i prayed for joy last night, and I'm happy now" It was wonderful.

Today I talked to Joe Green for an hour. I've seen him twice since I graduated, but I just kinda bumped into him, enjoyed seeing each other, and then went on our merry ways. I saw him in June when I went home to Spokane and I gave him my number, but he never called me. So I took the liberty to call him today, and we ended up talking for a good hour. It was superb. WONDERFUL! I love that kid. I love many kids. I love so many people, it makes them feel not-so-special, but they really are. I really do love Joe though. oh no. i'm a hoe, a rhyming show from ruby soho. I don't know what the hell that was, so just enjoy it.

HAPPY 2 YEAR ANNIVERSARY TO CHEEKS AND ME!!!! HOO HAH!

I love him. He wants me to make egg salad sandwiches for dinner. haha. cute.

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Subject:	piss on me day
Time:	3:34 pm.
Mood:	cranky.
Music:	the bitchy thoughts in my head.

I hate pop-up ads.

Lucy is coming over.
I cried today.
My boss was picking on me about starting a friend service - going to the grocery store and handing out flyers to see if anyone wants to be my friend. it was funny, but the more it went on, i actually started feeling sorry for myself.
I cried because my parents are always giving cheeks and I money to help us enjoy life in texas and help out with the bills when we cant pay them all. I hate when they do that. My mom sent us an anniversary card (2 years) and there was a $100 check in there. We owe them 1500 for the car they helped us buy, but they keep sending us more money so I never feel that I pay any of it off. I got married. I am supposed to be out from under them. They are supposed to be there for emergencies, but my mom feels awful when dave and I struggle, and I feel horrible when they send us money. It made me cry when I opened up the card, because I was just telling her about how we are literally living off of my tips right now, which is hardly anything at all. I can't go to the chiropracter - which i desperately need), I can't take timmy to the vet, we don't have garbage bags, food is running low, no more body soap, tons of laundry and only a couple dryer sheets, and slowly losing any sanity that I thought I had.

Our anniversary is monday, and i doubt we will do anything. we are both so beat from work, and we have no money. gee, surprise surprise.

STOP IT!!!! you are happy megs. you have learned so much about yourself while living in texas, you have learned how disgusting older men really are, you have learned that first impressions are bullshit, you have learned how to determine who is going to be a good friend and who is not, you have learned that life can only go so low until it brings you up again, you have learned the life can only go so high until it brings you down again, you have learned who your real friends are, you have learned that you are allergic to mosquitos and afraid of big bugs, you have learned that humidity is one of the biggest punishments God put on earth, and you have learned that you are amazingly beautiful - even if you dont' feel that way all te time.

I have a truly amazing husband. I just wish I got to see him.

I HATE MOSQUITOES!!!!!I JUST GOT BIT AGAIN!!! THE LITTLE BASTARD!!!

*pout*

i'm going to shower. I reak of coffee.

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Subject:	I dont' belong here
Time:	11:10 pm.
Mood:	depressed.
Music:	Cry Little Sister.

I hate Texas so much. I hate being here. I hate my life here. I never want to wake up. I never want to go to work anymore. I never want to have sex with Cheeks anymore. I just don't like it. I'm slipping into my depression again. Lucy is leaving, Cheeks still doesnt like me hanging out with Laura, and Kaitlyn in still in Highschool and has a curfew. THOSE ARE MY ONLY THREE FRIENDS!!! you think i'm joking? you think i'm exaggerating? I'm not!!! I came here to support Cheeks because this is what he really really wanted to do. Financially, it was "supposed" to help us; marriagely (i know thats not a word, but you get it) it was supposed to strengthen us; individually, it was supposed to broaden our friendships and experiences.

Well, financially, we are living off of my tips from the coffeestand; marriagely, we almost divored a couple of times; individually, we both have a couple of friends, none of which we ever get to really spend any quality time with. And as far as experiences go? I HAVE NO FRICKIN' LIFE!!!! Dave is so good at his job, but it wears him down so much and he hates it at times. Sometimes he tells me that he regrets it...do you have any idea how that makes me feel? I gave up literally EVERYTHING to come here in support of his desires and what he thought would make him happy, and he tells me he regrets it? Do you have any idea how badly i want to hop on a plane and go home? I would love to take him with me, but he is committed for two and some months more years. But because i love him and couldn't even imagine leaving him here alone, I stay here. I remain absolutely miserable and friendless. The feeling of emptiness creeps up on me more than I like to admit. and the tears don't seem to stop when they start. I want my life back. I want A life. I dont have one. I sleep, work, come home and bitch to you on the internet. I can't sign up for any fun classes that might possible introduce me to people, because I never know my schedule for work until the day or two before, and if I ask for any days off, Mr. Dave makes me feel like i'm not worthy of that day and later makes me feel bad by saying little things like " i haven't seen my baby since tuesday. Mary told me the baby asked if I still lived there. I worked 100 hours this week" and you want a day off?

well??!!! when i'm here I dont need you!! I can go to the store and get the supplies for the shop. We don't always need two people here. Go home and quit making me feel like shit because you are a bad father!!!

I hate that. I hate this. Depression is slipping back into my life. i dont' want it to. I can't let it. But for some reason, I cant stop it. I just want .... i dont fucking know anymore. not this......not this.

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Time:	6:39 am.
Mood:	discontent.
Music:	I Do - Lisa Loeb.

If I died tomorrow, would you have any regrets?
If you never got to see me again.....what would you do differently?

Write more often?
Call?
Tell me how much I mean to you?
Visit?

Why does the fact that I would be forever out of your life make you want to kick yourself a thousand times for not being truly honest with your emotions?

What are you waiting for?
A tragedy?
A miracle?

I dont' understand you.
I don't understand why I can't follow my own advice.

We all have people in our lives who are truly important to us.
Why wait any longer to tell them that?
It might be too late....and then you will end up kicking yourself a thousand times for not being truly honest with your emotions.

I started thinking of Vanessa again last night. I miss you sweetpea.

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Subject:	lovely day
Time:	11:27 am.

i'm newly obsessed with the words lovely and wonderful. Am I a nerd now? What's happening to me. I think this texas heat/humidity is finally getting to me. WONDERFUL!!!! I'm going to a baseball game tonight. Honestly, this is the first outdoor thing I have done since I've been in San Antonio (10 months) Other than the riverwalk, but that was winter time (translation - summer in spokane washington.) haha. I'm funny.

Life really is wonderful - i just realized that i said wonderful again. What's with me? anyway, it is...wonderful. I'm just too pigheaded to realize it most of the time. And just so all of you know - since cheeks and i went home to spokane and spent some good alone time, since tater moved out, and since the honesty in our relationship skyrocketed to "almost-rude" our relationship has been so full of love. I can't imagine hating him like I used to so much. well....there was this one argument, but aside from that, things have been superb. new word - superb.

WORD OF THE DAY - WONDERFUL!!!
YIPPEE!!!!

Love to all you funny-smelling-monkey-heads.

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Subject:	Tarot Cards of my life.
Time:	1:32 am.

Lucy read my cards today. That was the first time I've experienced that. I've always been too afraid for fear that God would smite me in my seat. It was fun though. I'm supposedly supposed to be confronted with conflicting situations, and I've got to either stick with the project in which I've been building for some time now, or just let it go and move on to another project where I will have material success. But what good is material success is there is no emotional/spiritual success? I guess we'll find out. I just want to know what the project is going to be.

Right now, I'm stuck between going back to school full time, or managing a coffeestand, which is completely left to the hands of fate. I'm happy either way, but school has been such a big part of my future planning and something that i'm two and half years into, so I could that as being what I'm leaving behind. The only thing is that...when I was shuffeling the cards, Sleepy told me to think of a question that I wanted answered. It was basically, "what is to become of cheeks and I?" or "How will my romantic life end up?" Something on those lines. So is the project I've been working on my marriage? But I'm so happy right now. It makes sense that I would be financially and materially (if thats a word) more successful because between the two of us, money is here and gone and credit cards build up, but when I was independent, I was a saver with no credit cards and managed my money well. I didnt need material things to feel fulfilled.

I hate that thought though. I love the thought of having my own life and my own problems, but I hate the thought of not being with him. It's scary. Its sad. I love him.

So, tarot cards are set aside and I'm left with these compounding thoughts...how long do I have to wait to find out what "the project" really is and will I end up happier?

Good night to all, i'm going to paint.

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Subject:	Colorgenics...
Time:	10:42 am.
Mood:	chipper.
Music:	Jay Quinn Band - I Need.

Colorgenics Quiz Results

They are unbelievable accurate.
Go to www.colorgenics.com and click on the mood analysis test.

You will have to give your name and email address, but it is free and they don't bug you.

Utmost in your mind is success. You are constantly seeking stimulation and a life full of experience. You are trying to 'grow' and above all you need to develop freely and to shake off the shackles of self-doubt. You are an enthusiastic individual, full of life with the desire to live intensely. You like contact with others and are enthusiastic by nature. You are receptive to anything new, modern or intriguing. Your interests are many and you are likely to expand your fields of activities. You are optimistic about the future and you deserve every success because deep down you are a 'winner'.

Being a somewhat gentle, emotional and sensitive person, you are at this time experiencing a considerable amount of tension. What you really need is someone who can be close to you and to listen to what you have to say.

There are times of everyone's life when 'compromise' is the name of the game and this is the time, so you have no alternative but to forgo some pleasures for the time being. You are capable of achieving satisfaction through physical activity.

Nobody seems to understand you at this moment for everything you suggest or do seems to be taken up the wrong way. All of this misunderstanding is leading to anxiety and stress. The situation naturally is not as you would like it to be - you feel that you are being treated most unfairly and that trust, affection and understanding are being withheld from you and that you are being treated with a demeaning lack of consideration. You consider yourself being denied the appreciation essential to your well being and self-esteem and that there is nothing you can do about it. You feel that whatever you try to do to change the situation, you are getting nowhere fast. You would really like to get away from it all but can't find the energy or the strength of mind to make the necessary decision.

The tensions that you are trying to cope with are a result of conditions which are really beyond your control. As a consequence of this almost impossible situation and not being able to get your own way, you are subjected to frustration and almost ungovernable anger. You are trying to remedy the situation but the stress that you are experiencing is making the situation even worse. You feel so inadequate that you are not quite sure which way to turn. A good suggestion would to be to try to relieve the stress and anxiety by participating in some very active physical activity which will relieve your tension.

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