Over the rainbow |
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12:47am 01/07/2002 |
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I will not say that things are looking better. Everytime I do, things get worse, I get worse. I fail that test almost every single time.
I have plans. |
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Read 1 - Post |
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05:42pm 26/06/2002 |
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mood: bored
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Last night I sat there on the couch, watching my roomate and my two favorite people chatting away while sitting in the night air, and I thought, "this is what this summer is all about." I am in love with yesterday. There is always some defining point in the year that I'll look back to in order to remember what I was feeling. Not everything is right, but there is enough going on to make this time feel very familiar, very comfortable, and very memorable.
Today, I just wish I had the same thing again...and I sortof wish that I could choose...........................
Nevermind that. I guess things are the way they are.
It's far too warm to be sitting here right now. Seattle has finally caught up with the rest of the world and decided it was time for summer. |
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better is this day |
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06:25pm 22/06/2002 |
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mood: good
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I feel better already. Even though honesty always hurts, it's much better than lying to myself and ignoring truth. I may just be on my way to recovery.
Yes, there is nothing I can, or anyone can do completely on their own. You can't beat what's already beaten you. In fact, I'm pretty convinced there's not even much that I can do on my own. When you are silent with the One who is the sustenance of your life, things can get pretty rough. I can't blame it on Him or anyone....that kindof sucks, but at least I know it's my fault.
I'll try not to party too hard tonight. We'll see if it's even any fun at all. |
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Read 4 - Post |
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party hard |
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11:39pm 21/06/2002 |
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mood: annoyed
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Well, it hasn't happened to me in a year. I suppose that's one of the perks to not being single, but it always happens anyway, and there is always someone on the other end of things to be more upset about it than I am.
The last two days have been great and simultaneously horrible at the same time. I feel limited to an opinion or even to an action. Maybe I should be. Maybe someone should cage me up and make me talk to a counselor, because, of course, everyone knows that counselors are the best thing ever. Ha, and with that statement, maybe I should consider it a little more seriously.
I am starting to wake up again, but it seems, that every time I get the motivation and the drive that something comes along that just makes me want to sleep some more. And why can't everything be perfect? I would even be happy if everything made sense. That's all I really need.
I'm still in the process of thinking about getting a new job. I really was starting to enjoy what I'm doing, and even making a little progress in learning. Somehow though, I just don't think it's going to work out like that. I have "that" feeling where I just know that if one more thing is said, that I'll have to jump over the edge and leave it all behind. We'll see.
Some people came into work tonight and thought that I was stupid. So stupid that they made fun of me to my face, right there at the checkout line. They weren't doing it to be funny. People are so mean, it's ridiculous. I think that tonight I am the biggest cynic alive. |
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08:22pm 27/05/2002 |
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I think now is a good time to learn the piano. |
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gag me |
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11:43am 16/05/2002 |
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mood: frustrated
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Well...
And that statement begins it all. The last 2 weeks have been a kick in the pants. Adjusting here hasn't been so hard I suppose. I like it here, I just don't like it out there. I dislike my job. I can't envision myself being there all summer and doing the same thing, only in a more concentrated amounts of time. It makes me want to yell in frustration, even just thinking about it. Really though, I don't want to complain. I wish it to go away. Is there such a thing as having a job that you can actually enjoy? Please, tell me that this is a real thing that actually happens.
I wish this week and weekend were over. I only have one paper for my summer class, but seeing as how my mind is not capable of philosophical reasoning, actually writing the stupid thing is stressing me out. Of course, it's the only grade that we have for the class...of course, of course. Who talked me into taking this stupid class anyway?
Alright, I just needed some release.
This life's really a peach. |
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at least my feet are warm |
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11:36am 09/05/2002 |
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mood: lazy
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So, finals week is over and I am now taking 3 credits of an 8AM class. It's not so bad. I roll out of bed in time to drive down and slide into my seat. I love my teacher. He's brilliant. However, the subject matter of the class could be a little more intersting. At 8 in the morning it needs to be more interesting.
I moved into an apartment with 4 other girls. Maybe I didn't have time to be apprehensive about it, so the transition almost seems to be nonexistent. I feel like I might have lived here for a few months, rather than a few days. It's very different at the same time though. I'm unaccustomed to not seeing my other girls everyday, or at not having them close.
mm...I think it's time for a nap. |
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and I hate tapioca |
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11:34am 09/05/2002 |
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Read 1 - Post |
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There's nothing like finals week to kick you in the butt |
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01:28am 01/05/2002 |
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mood: exhausted
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Ah, these days of misery. Who could have expected that this week would be so dreadful, yet simultaneously wonderful.
I wrote my 10 page paper last night and this morning. Today I studied for a test out on the lawn in the sun. I sat there and thought to myself "Studying sucks, but studying outside in the sun is better than being in class any day." I increased my tan sufficiently.
Tonight, however, I have accomplished so little, yet it seems like I've been working for hours on end. I have another 2 hours at least left to go, and even then, I will have to study tomorrow morning after my first test. If I start right now and push through it I can get to bed by 3:30, be up by 7, test at 8, study at 9, test at 10, finish project at 11:30,go to class at 1 and then I should be home free for the year. Until next week that is, when summer school starts, which will be one other thing that kicks my butt every morning at 8.
It's great though, not having to work. I think that this week and last week have been worth it, just because I haven't had to work.
I am tired and edgy though. Nobody come near me for a few days. I might just forcefully throw you out of my room and lock the door behind you. =P |
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kite head |
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12:47am 24/04/2002 |
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mood: satisfied
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Today was marvelous. I haven't had a play day like this for far too long. I frequently procrastinate, but I usually end up doing something horridly unsatisfying and unproductive.
I successfully made it out of bed 5 minutes before class. Dr. Prettyman was great today. He let us out early and even made a comment on how awake I looked. Nathan and I met a few minutes after class and ventured out to get some coffee and a danish. I was still in my pj's, but the day was so great already. I casually took a shower, got ready, headed to lunch, and had more social time than I have in awhile. Nathan suprised me yet again and seeing as how the weather was perfect, we attempted to fly our birdy kite, dubbed "Pea-Tree" by myself. I felt like a little girl, and I'm sure I looked like it too. My hair is still wind tossed and tangled, despite the seeming lack of wind.
I also figured out my summer housing plans. I'm living in an apartment, with a kitchen, and with a living room. Nate will actually be able to come over and I can actually not starve myself because I'll have someplace to eat. I can only attribute it to God right now. The timing couldn't have been better.
My only complaint for today: I hate having to grow up. |
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Read 3 - Post |
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We'll build a house, chop some wood, and make a garden |
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01:15am 23/04/2002 |
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mood: rejuvenated
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I've been content for awhile. No, I'm never content with everything, but with where I'm at, with what I'm doing....sure. It's been awhile since I've thought about doing something different, or even thinking that I'm able to.
I can't shake this insatiable desire to travel. I want to experience life everywhere; those people and those places. I want to sing, and I'd probably dance if I could too. I want to be on that stage, creating my own world. Nobody can tell you that there are rules to composition when you're the composer.
Dear Lord, what the heck am I doing anyway? Answers are being demanded, and not only by my own asking.
I used to think that I didn't dream or want much out of life. I would be content with whatever came my way. I don't think I'm too much different now than I was before, and I still think I handle change well, but there is more that I want to do than what I am able to. Restless though I am, it is entirely refreshing to feel. I have been growing these gifts, but without much nourishment. What do I need?
I wish it were nicer outside. I would observe everything in intricate detail right now, just to appreciate how God made it. |
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04:27pm 08/04/2002 |
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mood: bitchy
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the use of absolute words should be banished. such words as never and always...
well, maybe I am ungrateful. Isn't that what I've always been told? Somebody has to be right, and it might as well not be me. I don't care that I run away from conflict. You see, what happens is that I get this very powerful rush of adrenaline and emotion going into my body at the same time. I can tell, that if I turn to my self control in what I say and do that I will no longer be able to maintain civility. Better to leave before it gets the better of me, but not everyone would agree. Don't worry, I'll come back and finish it when I can think in some rational manner. You would think that we have to argue on my terms? Well, I guess there isn't any other option since I don't usually react any other way.
Yes, I'm a selfish little wretch. Dislike me if you like, but just so you know, I think that at times like this that I do a much better job than you ever could. |
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hush now |
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12:47am 06/04/2002 |
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mood: peaceful
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it is silent here. in my heart i feel subtle whispers gently resting and yet pushing out my life force. even though, the stillness fights with body and mind. tomorrow, they say, you will be the same; living for tasks and avoiding silence. where will you be then? but tonight, i am here; and in this quiet room i know who i am. |
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Post |
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Workin 9-10 |
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12:43pm 03/04/2002 |
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mood: cranky
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What is wrong with me? I am so irritable lately. The smallest thing will set me off, yet it's so easy to justify myself.
I've been exhausted the last few...well the last week probably, but the last few days have been harder than normal. Yes, it's the time of year when I'm ready to give up on school. It happens every year around this time, but I always trudge through it. Not tonight though. Tonight I am irreversably tired and too distracted to keep my thoughts in line.
I honestly feel like saying I'm sorry for overreacting, but at the same time, I only wanted to be with him tonight. That was really all I wanted, but as it goes, getting things done is always more important. I'm the jerk though. He tried, and I complained and failed that part one more time. Happy birthday. |
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Post |
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overkill |
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10:22pm 31/03/2002 |
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mood: discontent
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Well, the weekend flew by and I feel no more rested than I did when it started. It would seem that free/relaxing time no longer exists on the weekends for me. Yahoo though. Tomorrow is Monday and I can relax as much as I want. Ha...
Despite the fact that I worked every single day that my parents were visiting and despite the fact that I had to work on this blessed holiday, I am very thankful. I've come to that place in my life, at least I think and am very hopeful, where change and desire are at the forefront of my thinking. I sat in church this morning, captivated by everything that the pastor said. Maybe I'm just in the right place at the right time, but he hasn't really ever said anything that has left me void of some inspiration. Today's revelation: I will not determine who God is by the circumstances in my life. I will not let the drudgery of every day make me forgetful that God has given me that day to live...regardless of it's end. It surprised me to realize that I actually do that so much. And, of course, tonight I was put to the perfect test. I had a very disapointing night at work. I would have rather spent it taking a nap in my parents hotel room or even just being with them. Then again, the first part of the day was excellent, so throwing this day out wouldn't work.
Well, how about we forget all of that. I can only say how I feel for right now. Regardless of what I learned about myself today, I still feel like I could cry and I'm being very particular about who I'd do it with. Oh well...I will try not to think about how this week is already seeming to be missing something. |
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