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Thursday, February 27th, 2003
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11:40 am - whoa
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well. this is still up and running, but more for my personal reference than as an active journal.
i'm still addicted, but i changed handles a while ago...
![[info]](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20040913002126im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) herodotusfile is the new home, and it gets too much attention. see you there? heh.
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| Tuesday, January 15th, 2002
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12:10 am - so speak truthfully, once in a mask, always behind curtains
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i just won't let this die.
it's the great shadow of what once was.
what should never be again.
it hasn't been a full year, and i regard this time to be so fruitlessly naive, ignorant, petrified. so vital to what i came to be, what i am always, what is still growing, what decisions i made and am making.
never a goodnight. we said good morning.
current mood:  curious
current music: tori amos - "she's your cocaine"
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| Thursday, July 12th, 2001
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4:03 am - you know me, don't you, you know it as well as i do...
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you know i'm not ready to remember you, not at all. i promised an epic about you, about the rise and fall
of simple hearts
intertwined with common passions
wires cut loose by inevitable, destructive distractions
we never saw it coming
and yet we always saw it coming
i'm not ready to remember you.
but you creep up the lines
you don't let me give you up in time
i'm not ready to remember you.
and you're still here. still here. like smoke. in my car. on my fingertips. like smoke. lingering.
...i'd rejoice the day i could see your face and not flinch.
because that would mean we could heal.
yes.
current mood: vulnerable
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, June 26th, 2001
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1:16 am - hidden
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speculate, speculate speculate...why not ask me? why not tell me to my face? why is it that every bit of information we ever know about each other has to pass through 1-3 people before we know?
i just feel like decisions have been made without any attempt to really ask the only person who was there, who lived the truth.
i just feel like it's always this way, things are assumed about me, about how i feel, how i've changed, what i want, all of this over-analyzed and interpreted whenever i DO get the chance to express an opinion about myself...and yet what i try to say is never out there, never clear.
i get so frustrated that i run away some more. if i stay, i just get upset because i know someone out there that i care about thinks i'm a different, particular person when i'm not that person at all. i get upset because i don't know what to say. so i run. and when i run some more, every action in that escape is still overanalyzed and drawn for conclusions.
i want to lay everything out so pure, so true on the table for you. if you'd only really ask, and only really listen. like you, i meant every word i said. and i mean every word i say. when i speak to you.
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| Monday, June 25th, 2001
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11:01 pm
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mail me and i'll tell you all. if you want to know. if it means anything.
i don't want to be right, or devious, or anything. at this point, i don't care what anyone else said, i know how all that got fucked up. but i was the only one there, that night.
...why does it mean so much to you anyway? would you have spoken to me at all, that monday/tuesday, if you weren't freaking out over what you heard about me/speculated about me? do you really have to doubt me, feel insecure about losing me, before you give a shit about asking about me at all? you wouldn't have been sweet to me unless you thought i was going away, that's what i believe.
it seems like as long as you think i'm always going to be here, you don't need to check up on me, ask about me, talk to me, fix whatever conflict we may have. but if i move an inch away from you, or it seems like i am, all of a sudden, it's romance, there's attention, there's pure love being professed everywhere. and i don't doubt your feelings. but i never knew/know how you feel until it's too late, until i resolve to go away or move on.
everything gets messed up over and over again, and we kind of give up on fixing it. i can't figure out how to reach you, and you also kind of give up as well (which at times has been justifiable). thinking it's over, thinking that you care about other things, that it wouldn't matter what i did or wanted to do, i move on. because when i tried to stay, i couldn't fix anything. but when i go, i end up hurting you. i didn't know you paid attention. sometimes you tell me to go away, so i do. i didn't know you would ask. i wouldn't have said so many things had i known you were still here. the truth is lost, and it's my fault.
it just feels like the only time you're in love with me is when i go away to other friends. when i stay, and only think about you, i feel ignored and easily dismissed during conflicts. i didn't feel like i had to answer to you, i didn't feel that it was fair that i had to swear on everything i had with you, because WHY should i? why should i profess unconditional faith to someone who's barely in my life? to someone who can't have the time for me even when he wants to be here? why do i have to justify anything to anyone else? we don't even have a friendship to swear upon. nothing can destroy us because there hasn't been an "us" in a long time. this is my life, i lost everything in terms of being in a relationship with someone else. i do things for me, and me alone; not to hurt someone, not to make someone else feel better, but for me.
i don't belong to you. my moving on has nothing to do with you. if i knew you were still attentive, then i would've stayed. but i thought you didn't care, so i just let my mouth ramble on. but i don't feel i have to prove anything to anyone, because what i do isn't done to affect anyone else but myself. if that's not good enough, if my word and my reason isn't good enough, then fine.
i'm sorry. but i also don't need to prove anything. i told you the truth and you can accept it or not. i know the contradicting stories, but i know the truth. and if you want to start over, if you want to rebuild this friendship, it's going to take leaps of faith, it's going to take some maitenence, it's going to take some follow-through.
i can't be promised the world by you, and then left behind. and neither can you. that's not what i meant to do. at all. i didn't know you were here, that's all. once i think we're far away, something happens and you're back. and i wish i knew you were here all along.
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| Friday, June 22nd, 2001
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4:17 pm
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i didn't mean to hurt you. and i meant everything i said.
i'd give you the truth now, like i did before. and i was so happy that morning, i was happy for so long. and you changed your mind, and i wonder why, and how. and i can't stand the idea of losing a friend because of some goddamn rumor.
i'm sorry.
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| Wednesday, May 2nd, 2001
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8:24 pm - giuchie giuchie ya ya ya
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christ. i'm excited about moulin rouge...
it's been forever since i've been this excited about a new movie. it's relieving...
the soundtrack is pretty bad ass...
bowie, massive attack, beck, bono...not to mention that "lady marmalade" cover...
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6:44 pm - the letter
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my life is like a bunch of balloons; i don't know how to let go without losing everything...
how FUCKING profound can i be at fourteen?
a white envelope. mayfield junior school.
i just got a letter from myself, from four years ago. in eighth grade, my english teacher made us write letters to ourselves. she would send them out our senior year, right before we would graduate.
we were supposed to write about ourselves, what we liked/disliked, who are friends were, etc...
i haven't changed much, i guess. my favorite movie is still The Crow. my favorite band is still The Beatles. i still have short hair.
i wrote to myself: "i'm wondering if you have a boyfriend at 18. for our sake, i hope you do."
...can i gag/die/puke/laugh/cry RIGHT NOW?!?!
..........i don't even know. this letter comes to me at a very odd point in life. a very specific, odd, changing point in my life. had i gotten it last week, i'm sure my reaction would've been different.
i want to go back.
current mood: reminiscent
current music: stone temple pilots, no. 4
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6:25 pm
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all i can think about is how many times i've been pulled back by you
all i can think about is the morning after, when i cry myself back to sleep after you leave once again.
all i can think of is how i can't trust you, not now, not ever, from what you've shown me.
...what is it that i miss? WHAT is there left to love? nothing. just nothing.
all the more frightening me, all the more setting me free.
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3:46 pm
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sing sing dance dance drive and run away
there is nothing you can do,
or say
to ruin me now. no. not ever.
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| Tuesday, May 1st, 2001
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10:08 pm
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oh my god, i love art shows. i do i do.
eat my heart out, eat it well, fucker.
HA.
current mood: hyper
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6:08 pm
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4 days, 4 days baby, till i turn eighteeeeeeeeeeeeen.
is it wrong that i know ALL the lyrics to "say my name"? hahaha.
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5:58 pm - now if 6 turned out to be 9
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i'm looking for films that will help me deal with loneliness.
so far:
swingers
stealing beauty
...any thoughts?
current mood: i want to be in love, all over
current music: hendrix - "if 6 was 9"
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| Monday, April 30th, 2001
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11:42 pm - it's meeeee ::GAGS::
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flavor of the weak
by american hi-fi
she paints her nails and she don't know
he's got her best friend on the phone
she'll wash her hair
his dirty clothes are all he gives to her
and he's got posters on the wall
of all the girls he wished she was
and he's everything to her
[chorus:]
her boyfriend, he don't know
anything about her
he's too stoned, nintendo
i wish that i could make her see
she's just the flavor of the weak
it's friday night and she's all alone
he's a million a miles away
she's dressed to kill
the tv's on
he's connected to the sound
and he's got pictures on the wall
of all the girls he's loved before
and she knows all his favorite songs
[repeat chorus]
yeah!
her boyfriend, he don't know
anything about her
he's too stoned, he's too stoned
he's too stoned, he's too stoned
[repeat chorus]
yeah she's the flavor of the weak
she makes me weak
current mood: nauseous
current music: lisa loeb and dweezil zappa - "keep on lovin' you"
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(comment on this)
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10:05 pm
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9:38 pm
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i hate the fact that despite all the weight i dropped in about six months, i still find places on my body that i hate.
i want/need to get on a treadmill tomorrow, but i'm scared that my lungs will hurt, as they will, because of how much i smoke these days.
fucking hell...i hate insecurity.
my chemicals are jumping around everywhere, i'm nauseous, dizzy, tired and stressed and i want someone to die.
seriously.
current mood: ill
current music: the goddamn radio
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(9 comments | comment on this)
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6:06 pm - without armour, without any feeling towards you
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today's the greatest, day i've ever known.
HA. a pumpkins reference without the slightest flinch.
today today...
i laugh, sing, dance and smile. i love and i don't forget. baby blue eyes. mmm.
infatuation or love? i ask myself...maybe both.
i'm thinking about other things, about my chemistry with him.
i think about how i don't deserve any hostility when all i attempt is a smile, some kindness to an old love.
i take trips by myself, orange freeze and cigarette in hand, in the warm afternoon sun.
maybe it's the paxil, the nicotine, but i don't know. i just don't want anything to stop the fucking flow....
current mood:  high
current music: urbal beats, vol. 2
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| Sunday, April 29th, 2001
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10:43 pm
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it scares me how the midnight sky in los angeles will always look like dawn, like 4am.
purple, burning, silouettes of palm trees. not sleeping. insomnia. always watching.
always waiting.
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10:37 pm
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maybe it's because i talked to him for half an hour. that we have the same "party" goals. that we talk about relationships, committment, freedom and the question of the future. closure. college.
wanting to be free but wanting to be loyal, knowing what love is and the fear it perpetuates, wanting things to last but wanting to start over, clean, new and fresh.
we didn't talk about much but we talked a lot. inserted giggles, everything is humorous.
we're both really happy we're going to college together... for some reason, and we really only met six months ago.
i dreamt about him, i have been dreaming about him.
and i'm really scared.
current mood: vulnerable
current music: superdrag, regretfully yours
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9:19 pm
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it makes me so proud to see my friends' pics posted at the No Future Cafe website, awww dag.
:)
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