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Saturday, May 19th, 2001
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1:45 pm - Am I wasting my time?
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I'm really ambivalent about a lot of my internet life. While I seem to be meeting some very interesting and caring people, I'm also finding myself a fish out of water in much of the fanfic world where I spend time.
Posting fic is exciting and risky. The excitement is reaching a wider audience, possibly finding someone else who can share an interest and see a point of view. The risk (or at least part of it) is in offending some reader and inadvertently elliciting a negative response. I've certainly had both experiences.
I've written and posted very little on the list groups I belong to. I've had a few great responses, and recently I've been welcomed warmly into one group.
But I've also gotten some pretty strong negative responses -- and I've found myself feeling negative about some people on line, as well.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about this in the past ten days, and I've almost come to the conclusion that I don't belong in this world. My expectations are all wrong, evidently. People you think you might connect with because of common interests and even passions are not really looking to connect. Many are looking to show off or to act out -- and never to really get beyond the superficial. And the negativity is rampant! It makes high school seem tame in comparison.
In fact, some of these lists remind me of classrooms, full of vindictive crap that's supposed to be funny. In school kids constantly diss everything as a conditioning against being too vulnerable and getting hurt. I sometimes think this tendency on line is also a defensive mechanism, because many of these list members are extremely sensitive and vulnerable -- even while manufacturing these 'who-gives-a-shit' facades.
When I've brought up deeper subjects in posts on lists, I've had nearly zero response. Nobody seems to want to spend any time on anything that affects the world. Evidently the lists are pure escape for these people. Unfortunately, not only are they escaping from the harsher aspects of RL, they also seem to be escaping their own humanity. 'Humor' becomes cruel and hurtful, just as it sometimes does on a school playground.
Life is too short and too precious for this. I'm not going to be part of groups that leave me feeling empty -- or even worse, sickened. This stuff comes back to haunt you eventually, whether you believe in karma or not.
I was so bothered by some recent events that I nearly decided to stop writing fanfic. Then I thought maybe I would just write for my friends and not post. I came very close to asking that my archived fic be dropped.
Now I'm not sure what I'm going to do.
But I am going to keep writing. I was inspired to write a story (that I hope to finish this week) while I was on the bus to our final tournament of the season (we lost, unfortunately). The story will utilize one of my favorite fanfic subjects, Howie D. of BSB -- and it goes back to the take I have on his special soul. I'm very excited to lose myself in it. I hope it helps cleanse me of the bad feelings I have about most of what I've experienced on line the past few weeks. I may end up with absolutely no place to post it, but it doesn't really matter.
In the meantime, I've made a special friend on line. The only person who ever responded to my post weeks ago about the school shooting here in San Diego -- JohnnyJ -- has become a friend through other lists and private e-mails. Johnny is a kindred spirit -- a young teacher like me who enjoys pop music and the physical world -- and I've enjoyed getting to know him. While I write this, Johnny is attending the memorial service for his friend who recently committed suicide. I'm saying a prayer that Johnny gets through the eulogy and the song he's singing without too much pain.
I'm thinking about you, Johnny.
I have a pile of papers to read, and I want to write. I'm not sure why I started this journal, except that several people I know on line are keeping them. They say this sort of thing is good for the soul. I guess we'll see.
current mood:  pensive
current music: 'Don't Give Up'
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