Date:	2003-02-11 09:19
Subject:	valentine blues
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah
Music:	Mock Orange - does it show

ok, well....its finally over. Im done chasing Kat. Shes got too much going on in her own life to be involved with me. The last attempt I made to get her attention was calling her last night to see if she wanted to go out to dinner on valentines day. I wanted to drive over to St. Pete at around 7 or 8 take her out to this really nice sushi restaurant, mabye sit at a coffee house and talk for a little bit and then turn around and go back to orlando. I was pretty sure she didnt want anyone making moves on her and I didnt even want it to be a big romantic night. I just wanted her company and to not be alone. She wasnt interested, she already had plans.

You would think that after all this time of thinking about her, hoping there was still something between us, that I would be pretty upset. But I dont feel it. Im just numb. In fact right after we got off the phone I fell right asleep. My cat was there being sweet putting his paws on my arm, and acting generally funny so I was ok. At least oscar likes me =P.

I cant wait until things settle down and I can start working on my animations again. Lately, when I come home I get too pissed at my roomate to do anything creative. Hes snuffing my cool, its upsetting me.

BAH! more roomate madness! How am I the bad guy?

fuckin' bad roomates are a reoccuring nightmare in my life.

Its monday. I'm back in the office. Since im not particularly busy ive decided to spend my morning downloading the coldplay albums. Someone stole my originals out of my car.....wtf. Anyway, I had a good weekend. I went up to st. pete to visit Kat. She was looking really good. She gets more and more beautiful every year I know her. Things went well, and we both had a really great time. She told me that she and "flounder" broke up. I guess they were getting close and he is moving in a few months so he broke it off. Im not sure how to really take that. Its apparent now that they were closer than I had hoped, and im sure shes gonna need some time to herself. If I have any chance at all of being with her again, itll have to wait until shes ready. I dont want us to be a rebound or for her to not sort out her feelings for "flounder" and be with me. Im getting good at this whole waiting thing. Im just enjoying my own life doing my own things and its great.

I am getting frustrated at home with my roomate though. He hasnt given me money for utilities in over 3 months, and this month he didnt even make rent. WTF!!! This is his only responsibilty to me and he has not done anything. On his check it says he worked 20 hours a week, wtf wtf wtf!! I got really pissed and reamed him out a little bit, and im still pissed. I can hardly sit in the same room with him anymore. If I dont see him pick up a second job and take some fuckin iniative hes out. All I hear him say to me is, "im sorry man, i know ive messed up, im trying to fix it, im trying im trying, im sorry....it pisses me off. Your not fuckin trying, your hardly working fucker. I dunno who I could get to take his place, mabye id have to downgrade to a 1 bedroom. Fuckin stress...im too much of a softie.

what have I got to say....hmmm....

oh yeah! We're SUPERBOWL CHAMPIONS BABY!! Who would've guesed those retards at tampa bay would get their shit together so fast! Im a real fan now!

Ive been chillin lately at the homefront. Which is to say I havent gone out too much. On friday it was Chads birthday so he and his girl Nicole came up to visit. We went downtown for a little while at Independant Bar....it was 80s night, good times, although ive got to say I sure as fuck cant dance to DepecheMode. Most of that stuff is too mellow/dark for me to find my groove. I like my drum and bass. Saturday I stayed in and slept for 12 hours. Sunday there was a superbowl party so that was fun. There were some drunk bastards who tried to mix 151 with fire. This stuff, for thouse of you who are unaware, is some of the most potent rums. Its definately flamable which is were the trouble comes in....really strong liquor + fire= bad news. Anyway, these brilliant people all had thier shots on fire and thought it would be cool to clink glasses for a salute. Well, once they touched glasses somebody miffed because the next thing I saw was some girls hand on fire, then she dropped her shot on the bar, which, immediately caught fire which spread to someone elses shot glass, who soon after caught fire himself. Meanwhile im just rolling around on the ground laughing at everyone....I love it when people act so stupid, its amusing.

ok its lunch now, im outtie5k....peace........................................

I slept in an extra hour on accident today. I hate it when you over sleep. You never realize it for a few seconds then you slowly start to realized that its just a little too bright outside. It makes me I feel like such a slacker. eh...whatever. Im here now, and noones pissed. In other news, im going to Coldplay tonite! yay. Should be a barrel of monkeys. =P.

still waiting with no avail.

word.

yo.

this morning is pushing me...im getting a little upset bit by bit. My mind feels heavy today, or maybe its just monday.

but...
YAY, the Bucks killed the Eagles! Screw you Nighiem!! You philly lovin bastard! Tampas going to the Super Bowl!

holy shiznit! I finally have G2!! Im going ape shit crazy! This plugin is the coolest thing ever in the entire world!

http://www.worley.com/G2/g2_edgeEffects.html#startit

I think it's time to abolish politicians entirely and let everbody participate in self-government via Internet. We needed representatives in the 18th Century, because we couldn't all go to Washington. Meanwhile, times changed and our "representatives" have sold us out to the corporations, as we in the majority party all agree, whatever our differences in other matters. And we don't need "representatives" anymore; we have the Net technology to represent ourselves.

In that evolutionary sense, every vote for Nobody really represents a vote for Everybody.

-Robert Anton Wilson

Date:	2003-01-13 17:00
Subject:	Livin'
Security:	Public
Mood:	optimistic

Hey hey. Im takin a quick break from work to leave a few thoughts in my journal. Lately ive been pretty busy between the new job and just living my life, but for the most part ive been feeling very happy. I think the reason for that has been that I have been getting closer to Kat. Not entirely in a romantic sense either, Ive been able to really connect with her as a close friend. Its true that were a little cuddly when we hang out, but thats natural, we both are very close. She and her roomate Marcia came to see my new apartment friday night and none of us really felt like going out so we stayed in playing "Cranium" =P. On saturday I was supposed to go see Kim play her acousitc show at Underground Bluz but I decided to be with Kat instead. Her friends were going out to this one bar downtown that I had never been to, and It was her friend Natalies 21st birthday. I felt bad that I couldnt make it out to Kims show and all, but I figured she would have enough support from her other friends that she wouldnt really need me there.

Honestly though, I just wanted to spend time with Kat. I found out that night that she does have a "boyfriend". Which initially really upset me. I didnt know that the guy she was seeing was that close to her. On top of that, at the same exact time, someone put in Sigur Ross. Sigur Ross is a cd that reminds me of a night when she and I just held each other all night. It was too much for me to take. I suddenly got all introverted and sad and felt like hiding how I felt from everyone and going home. Kat must have noticed because she took me outside to find out what was going on. After some convincing, I told her how I felt about her and how I wanted to be with her again; but that I didnt want to be that guy who suddenly comes back into her life and expects her to drop everything in her life just to be with me. Weither I like it or not she has a boyfriend and for right now...there is nothing I can do about it. All I can do is hope that someday soon she realizes that she wants to be with me and not this "Flounder" dood. (WTF kinda name is that anyway!?! Flounder is a fuggin' fish!! Cats and Fish dont get along!! Wait....mabye she'll eat the fish and he'll go away. =] )

Anyways, after talking with her I feel a lot better. I feel like we do have something special between us. She feels it too, and if she feels something and I feel something then we have a chance. Its just bad timing.

omg, such a headache. send help!

Date:	2002-12-24 00:31
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy
Music:	This Is Acid Jazz - After Hours - Kruder And Dorfmeister - Definition

dammit its monday again. I both hate and love regular routines. Todays pretty easy because theres hardly anyone in the office. Im pretty much just sittin here listening to acid jazz, relaxin, and doing some work here and there. I had a pretty good weekend, I saw a lot of old buddies and partied with them....and I also got my jacket back! wha-hoo! I didnt get to hang out with Kat because she went out of town the day I got into town and she cancelled our trip to casadega the following day. ......???......whatever.

I caught the new Lord of the Rings: Two Towers on saturday. Very good flick, I thought it was really fuggin cool. I loved the scene where Gandalf is falling down the mountian and is fighting the Balrog. Gollum was really amazing too, at times you questioned if he really was real!

Damn..im pretty bored here. I wish there was somethin to do....

Whasup...im at work right now but I wanted to drop by and leave a post. Hows everyone doin? You all having fun this holiday season? Things have been going good here in orlando. I got a good paying job building resorts and room interiors in 3d. I havent done too much with the $$ except buy xmas presents and a shitload of DVDs. This past weekend I bought something like 12 of 'em. I need to stop, I think I may have a problem =P.

I went to melbourne last night to hang with my sister and some friends. I brought my roomate and we all had a good time. It was good to see everyone, I even ran into a bunch of old friends that I hadn't seen in over a year. One of which still has my jacket! bastard! Its gettin cold and I need it!

This weekend im going to go to Casadega, which is a town of psycics. Im usually very sceptical about those people, i mean who REALLY believes in Mrs. Cleo? I know some people though, who have been there and are completely convinced. They say that just by looking at you the psycic can describe who you are and the people in your life. I suppose its an aura or something =]. Even if its just for fun, I think I would like to go and check it out. Im pretty curious to see what they have to say about my future.

Im at home in melbourne sitting in front of my computer a little bummed out. I just got back from seeing Kat. I spent the weekend running back and forth from orlando to melbourne to see her. There really is no particular reason why I should feel bummed out. We had a great time and things went well. I just have this nagging feeling inside me thats making me feel uncomfortable. I probablly should just go to bed and wake up in the morning and start fresh. Its just this...I love this girl...and all I want to do is be with her and... im not with her. I think shes with someone else...or at least is talking to someone else. Who is this guy anyway....argh. Its not like im upset, I just feel like I have a lot of devotion and love to give without the girl to give it to. Ive finally interpreted my feelings and they are that I love Kat. I dont believe that it is too late. The past is the past, and the decisions we both made back then are done. All I want is a new begining. A fresh start. A chance to give her a part of me that I hold so far away from everyone. Id travel and sacrifice fun, friends and any free moment to be with her, but the question is...at this point in her life...would she? No matter the answer, im going to have to wait and see.

fu*k....waiting....thats the hard part.

oh....check this shit out.

http://www.emogame.com/#

hmmm...this is turning out fuggin cool. Ive got everyone and thier mother going to this show tonite, Dans commin, hes bringin the Chad, Justin is goin with his boy Josh and his girl and were gonna meet Kendra downtown. To make things interesting i think were gonna get some shroomage.

Oh and damn....i managed to get out of the 7 day eviction if I dont piss off anyone in the time I have left. cross your fingers for me, or dont....i dont give a shit.

Date:	2002-11-14 02:38
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	cranky
Music:	Jack Johnson - Fortunate Fool

I was pretty stressed most of the day today. Im not really as pissed as I seemed in my last post, and I dont really feel that way. I do trust Kim and she is a very special person to me, I was just in the heat of my emotions...in any case, I appologize for venting in my journal I should have kept it private. But wtf...its not like anyone reads my shit anyways.

Anyway, I had that on my mind and that was bringing me down. So I went out to lake underhill and ran for a bit. Im getting more in shape. I ran 2 miles straight then walked for another 2 just thinking and dreaming. I think about how I really just want love, soft and wonderful, love. Then I think about how things never really turn out. Im not pushing my love on anyone, or placing emotions on people who dont deserve them but its true...noone really likes to be let down. Im honestly not even looking for love, but its my nature to care and to empathize with the people in my life. I guess that is why I end up in trouble.


oh yeah, and when I got home from running, I found a 7 day to vacate notice on my door. Not suprised. I played music past 12am...these neighbors turn me in any chance they get. I just dont know why they have to try to kick me outta here when they know im already leaving. Whatever, bitterness and vendettas will get you into more trouble than you expected....just wait.

g'nite

straight up.

here it is.

this girl is a bad apple. Shes no good. She out to fuck with peoples heads and she WILL NOT fuck with mine. Its my god damn birthday. I dont deseve this shit. Im a good loving person who would do anything for the people who are close to me and my friends but she is not worthy. I feel like she is full of shit and that I cannot trust her.

We went to this bar, and she was acting distant. cool...fine, I could care less. Its when she started saying to her friends about how horny she was and how she needed them to hook her up with any girl/ guy who came along that pissed me off. Im such a good fucking guy and I really dont need to be around chicks like that.

FUCK~!! im so pissed. Not only that but she made me buy 10$ worth of drinks on my own birthday! I dont have the $$$ but I have to pay for them?!? WTF?!? GOD DAMMIT I HATE FUCKING GIRLS!! FUCK THIS! im so so pissed. im sorry for my language and my short temper, but dammit im for real. They are no good. All I need to worry about is myself. I need to get my shit together and get a real job so I can TCB, thats take care of business mother fucker!!!!!!!!

argh!@!!!@> fuck off everyone.

yeah yeah....were goin out. Gonna go shoot some pool for a bit. Kim did call and said she wants to hang out. Thats coo...tonite should be fun. But tomorrow....oooohh tomorrow. Thats where the fun is. Lemme tell ya.

Happy Birthday me. Kat just called me a little while ago to say happy birthday. I didnt even remind her. Shes so great. I really feel touched by such a sweet gesture. Meanwhile at home in orlando, Kim hasnt remembered....im not really too suprised. I guess shes busy or something. I dunno. We pretty much agreed that were not going to see each other anymore but just be friends. I really do value our friendship and I think things would be better for us if we were just friends.