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LiveJournal for faery rose unicorn soul heart.
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| Thursday, November 4th, 2004 |
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well, i kindo feel back to normal. my solar plexus seems to exist once again. perhaps tonight's neighborhood power outage and candlelight soothed the edge off. i'm still a bit worried about the future. moving would be beneficial to my health (but that's always the case). there's nothing in the world i could've done besides what i did. so i guess that the Universe will have to take care of this one. |
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| Wednesday, November 3rd, 2004 |
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| i want to feel more positive about this, but i don't. maybe i'll go through a mourning period. i'd like to feel angry, but i feel defeated and sad and empty and drained and tired. | ||
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| Thursday, September 2nd, 2004 |
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When is the right time to buy something? What is truly meant to be mine in the moment? How would I even begin to know the answer to these questions? If I want something--say a crystal--I'll buy it if I have the money and think it's mine. But what if I think some crystal is completely mine, someone bids over me, and then... I don't want to bid any higher? Was it ever meant to be mine, or did it try and teach me a lesson about whether something belongs with me? |
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| Friday, August 20th, 2004 |
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Dream: God took me under his arm and told me I would have to die for a cause and he gave me the reason. There was some explanation in my head at the time: some people live for a cause, some die for a cause. And since I'm not living for a cause, I have to die for one. I asked God if it would hurt and he said yes. Like... of course it would hurt, but only for a moment or two. I asked God how I was to feel better and he said to get my energy from a Cancer. This God-guy didn't look like any God I'd really think up. He happened to be a few inches taller than me, black hair or maybe bald.. much like some video-game idea of God. The whole time God told me this stuff, I cried and cried and told him I didn't want to die. He gave me instructions on how it would all go down: first, I'd type something on the computer, second, I'd eat the leaf of some aloe-type of plant... and then there were two more parts to the plan. I told him I couldn't possibly remember to do all of these specific things in that specific order and he said it was okay and he'd do them for me or help me through somehow. Anyway, inevitably, I would be murdered. But then God started with the plan and it began happening in the dream instead of in life (maybe?) and all of these people were in the room with me and I grabbed some kind of axe from the ground and so did this tall guy. These monsterous flying dinosaur-like beasts flew through the room and tried killing people and I hid in the back with my axe. There were only two people (as far as I knew) with axes and the tall guy, well, the beast thing flew in front of him and he took a swing at the beast, but somehow the beast killed him with his own axe. Someone behind the beast took an axe and plunged it into the beast's back and killed it. I got a look at this particular beast and it'd turned into a gigantic Howard Stern. We sliced Howard into cubes. I knew the beast was supposed to kill me but took this other person's life instead. I woke up with my heart beating really fast... and then I started thinking about Scooby and how much I missed him. I thought about how politics in this world... or policies like Howard-Stern-esque stuff actually kills people metaphorically. And I wondered if God actually wants me to die. But if I saw God, I would think I'd see the female side of God, anyway, and this one was male. Other Dream: Rose McGowan and I were somehow in some kind of dorm setting together. Rose and I were friends or acquaintances and I was supposed to interview her or hang out with her or something the next day. It was evening and she came upon some singers (including some girl named Julie from high school who never sang, but played viola) and totally ditched me for them. I felt hurt and abandoned. She walked with them to the second floor and slept there instead of in my dorm room. RRR. |
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| Wednesday, August 18th, 2004 |
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| I dreamt last night I attended some party with my dog. Ryan was there... and of course, I ate something out of his refrigerator and I shouldn't have done that. So... the most important part happened when David Boreanaz (somehow he switched between David and Michael) talked with me for a long while about me and how I was doing. He said that he was "surprised they didn't put me on really high dosages of flower essences." Well, then! I know what I'm supposed to do now... he seemed wise and I trusted his advice. For some reason, he reminded me of my old friend, Rod (haven't spoken with him since tons of years ago). I think he reminded me of him because I used to think Rod knew what he was talking about and I saw something wise within him. | ||
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| Wednesday, August 11th, 2004 |
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A swirling noise in my ears, maybe a whooshing with chiming... I saw the back of my body and tried to grab a crystal off my bed because I got scared of traveling to another plane without one of my crystal babies... And then I got scared because my hand went right through the crystals and I couldn't pick them up... So I went back into my body... This happened this morning and I controlled my astral projection better than I ever have before... Yay for me! |
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| Tuesday, July 6th, 2004 |
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Today my doctor called me with my blood test results. Past happenings: 1. Went to doc in 2002, didn't think she was kind or warm, wanted to switch doctors, didn't know who to switch to, got confused, decided I never go to the doc, anyway, and gave up 2. Saw aforementioned doc one week ago to ask for blood test before deciding on whether or not psychiatry was necessary. Asked for T3, T4... When I asked her to do the specific tests I wanted, she was kind and polite and nodded yes. Strange for someone so bitter and cold to me before. 3. Doc decided that the only thing that was necessary was the TSH test (among the other regular tests) and decided NoT to give me the T3, T4 stuff I'd requested. She did not tell me she found the T3, T4 stuff unnecessary and did not tell me she was not going to follow through with them. 4. Received letter in the mail: cholesterol test normal. 5. Called office and asked why the tests I requested were not done. After a long afternoon of calling and calling again, found out my doc deemed my tests unnecessary! 6. After just about having a nervous breakdown to my doctor's assistant, she convinced my doctor to do the tests. 7. Received results this afternoon. Doctor called me--all angry, bitter, cold... saying that she knew everything was normal. AND IT WAS. But does that mean that you have to be mean to a soft-kind-sensitive person like me? SHe practically yelled on me over the phone in an irrated, harsh, horrible voice. "I hope you find the psychiatrist you need," she said. What a horrible doctor! 8. I learned to... I learned that first impressions do fucking count and that maybe people having bad days are still nice if they're nice or mean if they're mean! Why should I let my doctor take out her frustrations on me? Why should fifteen extra minutes of her time for me be such a burden? Why should I be worthless to anyone? ANYONE. I'm sorry I took an extra fifteen minutes of your time total in the past week. I'm sorry, Dr. O'#$Z^%$, for being such a fucking bitch and a waste of your time because you know everything before it's tested, don't you, you motherfucking bitch? Yeah, you fucker. Leave me the fuck alone. I'm fucking switching doctors now. One time and you're a fool, twice and I'm the fool, three times and well, I'm screwed... so it's been twice... GOODBYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYE NICE TO KNOW YOU. (Ahh, Incubus lyrics) Like really, for anyone who reads this, I am really like... um... okay, let's just say this is my outlet and I was so kind and nice to the dumb doctor on the phone. I do not curse people out in real life and in fact, people who meet me probably think I'm really nice and weak. I've had such horrid experiences with doctors and really, when's my luck going to turn around? |
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| Friday, July 2nd, 2004 |
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i am a friday's child. today i'm beginning to like things about myself, such as my friday (venus) qualities. there's a lot of venus going on here... venus of the mother-goddess variety. i have one complaint, so don't read on if you don't want to see it. maybe in the future, i'll seperate the positive/negative stuff so people don't have to read my complaining if they don't want. i don't believe my father ever wanted a girl and i've been around for 25 years. well, who knows if i'm here to stay, but i really think about how lovely it would've been to.. have had a gentle and consistent father-figure or male-figure instead of a rough and harsh one. the "live" song... the one that says... "i don't need no one to tell me about heaven, I look at my daughter and I believe," well, that song just really kills me when i hear it. it's made me cry over and over. i guess i'd love to be worshipped in that way (of course i'm a venus baby), but it's not really about that. i would completely love and adore my children, daughters, sons, or anything in-between because they'd be my kids. i wish my father didn't feel awkward about me or that and i wish so many things were different. it just really hurts that... i just feel really unloved and unappreciated and undervalued. i know the universe loves me and people love me or like me, but when it's someone like a parent who hurts you like that... to the core of your existence... and i know he doesn't mean to do it, he's just awkward and covered-up and all he really wanted was a stable environment and a good job and material security for all of us... i mean, i know he definitely doesn't mean for me to feel this way. i can't really accept him as a person because he makes me so angry and upset and hurt. and lost. i know if i became some sycophant towards him, maybe he'd love me or act lovingly towards me. but when he says hurtful things, who am i to look away and enable him....? why should i enable him just so i could get a kind word in the future (along with more angry, mean ones)? i don't let him off the hook for anything and i'm ruthless about it, you could say. but everything he says that's consistently hurtful... why should i let him off the hook for it when he just does it again and again? i don't know if i'll be able to forgive him for all the things he's says at least until after he's crossed over. i know i'm a moon-aNd-venus-baby... and i don't really gel with those non-emotional, abrasive types. but i know he's a taurus, too, so there must be some good in there somewhere. i don't understand why he has to take everything out on his family and everyone around him. i'm sure there must be a few people in life he's quite kind to. i'm just really hurt and i think my father-issues are something i have to explore to enable me to heal somewhat. i really, really want to heal and move on (even when a part of me really, really wants to give up and sink in). |
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| Wednesday, June 30th, 2004 |
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um. once upon a time, i loved SARK and read "Succulent Wild Woman" o... maybe twenty or thirty times till its pages fell out. and now i go on SARK's website and can't glean an ounce of self-worth off it. the site's well-done and granted if i didn't happen to have a chemical imbalance, reading encouraging words might've helped me. got my blood tested the other day, so maybe it's not a chemical imbalance. perhaps something's really wrong with me. then again, how could something be really wrong with me and i not know? hmmn. once upon a time, i ordered a candle quartz cluster and today it arrived. the energy off it is amazingly like the energy i received from it through the online pictures. i'm angry--not about the quartz. i guess i'm angry that i'm not a skinny stick-figure. angry that i gained weight and now i'm the larger bridesmaid. disturbed that it probably won't ever be me walking down the aisle... not that i'd have a traditional wedding by any means. i'm angry my life is shit. yeah. yup. i'm angry that if i go and eat something i'll feel guilty because i'm trying to be thin for the wedding so some ignorant family member doesn't make a comment about my weight. not that my weight's anything different than average or normal. not that their weight is something spectacular. you know, who are They to criticise me?! and why do they have to control MY LIFE? |
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| Thursday, June 24th, 2004 |
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Bought: candle quartz cluster with hematite I don't like thinking about people from the past who I don't really like. i am the odd one out and proud of it. i just want to get on with my life and have a whole new set circumstances, a new place to live, and i want all the old shit to go away. writing about this stuff never seems to help. i probably feel too depressed to start up a whole new life. i seem to change my thoughts, i've expanded my insights, but my world--i narrowed my world. how you can narrow your outside surroundings and expand your insides is beyond me. it seems like everything that happens in my life is out of my hands, like something just controls what happens and that something is Not Me. i'm kind of grabbing at air and there's nothing in the air i can.. keep... like... tell me the answers, why do i stay this way, why is my life this way? i've figured out how i got here, studied how to move on, but i cannot move on. i can't take it anymore. i can't take living like this anymore--in this house, this neighborhood, these people... i can't! and why can't the universe change my situation like it did before? the universe blasted my life apart, so why doesn't it change my life now? send me 20 million dollars and i will do something good for the world (and myself). |
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| Saturday, June 19th, 2004 |
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From Go-Quiz.com more after the cut! hello, fun. ( Read more... ) |
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| Wednesday, June 16th, 2004 |
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tonight, rose and her lips appeared-- on my television did you know i asked God for a flower and she didn't give me one? i don't know if i blame myself for asking Her incorrectly or if She just doesn't exist. perhaps i asked correctly. i'd rather believe she exists and i'm the one who asked incorrectly. i'm used to blaming and hurting myself. used to taking the pain other people put on me, used to taking shit, basically. and i don't SAY or do anything (or i didn't) to stop them, or maybe i did things to stop them, but i wasn't agressive enough. i don't know who to blame. did i ask incorrectly or what was it? i read the book (most parts of it) "Mother God" by Sylvia Browne and she said if you requested a flower from God, named Azna, She would send you one. you'd have to request it in a week's time and... i really wanted God to send me a flower. i thought to myself i'd keep it forever, dry it, admire it, know that God sent me something. God! where are you? if i imagine my Isis, she is more visible than Azna... but Azna is what Sylvia Browne says they call Mother God on the Other Side. i've had this relationship (in my mind) with Isis and sometimes she appears to me and we sit on my bed together and chat. of course, i control which words each of us says. i wanted something special from the universe. sometimes i feel like i deserve something because i've been through so much and i'm still breathing and all of the time lately i feel like dying, so it's like... i.need.something.where.are.you? and then God doesn't appear? i believe in God, God's supposed to appear. i'm supposed to see God actually materialize from the vapors, She's supposed to be this person who TALKS to me and i'm supposed to be joan of arcadia or something like that. God's supposed to send me SPirit Guides who tell me psychic information about people and i'm supposed to give them readings and i'm supposed to earn money and live by the sea and have a life and friends and i'm supposed to live in peace! i'm supposed to see ghosts and spirits and actual, real live faeries! i'm supposed to see these things and i'm supposed to know of my past lives, each and every one! i'm supposed to know exactly what my path is and that i'm an actual person, destined for an actual Thing! a Thing to do, see, and be. and i'm not supposed to be involved with narcissistic bullshite and i'm supposed to live in some kind of special Eden for special people because i'm supposed to be special! but this world makes me feel like i'm so different because i have these insights and i'm analytic and ooh sometimes i hoard things like i eat too much or buy too many things. oh, goodness. like. i can't even survive here, i can't even breathe or cry and there's no room at all in this world for me and. |
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| i don't know, i just need to transition. but what if i just want to disappear? | ||
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| Friday, June 4th, 2004 |
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i just bought a chunk of smoky quartz with a large black tourmaline attached. also, i bought a piece of dravite with a diopside coating. this week was tourmaline week. perhaps next week i'll buy some lepidolite with rubellite. who knows. my lower chakras need to come into play and unless the lepidolite has the rubellite... there's this awesome test online to see which of your chakras are working/in balance. let's just say my top three chakras are the only ones that are open! the bottom four are kaput and just need some tweaking. thus, tourmaline--here i come. chakra test (yes, it rocks and if you take it, i'm interested to know which of your chakras are open/shut :) ): http://www.eclecticenergies.com/cha |
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| Tuesday, May 18th, 2004 |
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| one day i shall have a rose quartz sphere that displays asterism. also, it shall be quite translucent and very light pink and almost luminescent. | ||
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| Saturday, May 15th, 2004 |
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naaa... i bought some hessonite garnet beads in coin shapes (yellow and orange and dark orange) and some diamond-shaped dark garnet (what--rhodolite or almandine, probably) and that was $15.99. i'll buy the things i really want this weekend and then afterwards i'll stop that until the end of the billing cycle. you know what i like about these beads? they feel so warming and they draw out all the illness and they open my eyes and make me see things. they feel like love on the wrist. oh, one thing i like about my life: i like my life because i rebel against those who try to make me just like them. |
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| Friday, May 14th, 2004 |
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well, i waited long enough and today i bought my mega food b vitamin complex, earthrise spirulina greens blend, giovanni smooth as silk conditioner, and my brand new bottle of twinlab vitamin d. there's a cauldron online i really would like to get, but i don't think i should spend any more money until Next Frickin Month. can i even hold out for that long? will i survive without new flower essences or a cauldron or new beads or crystals? i really need to hold out until my next credit card bill comes. i know it could be difficult. verrrrrry difficult. it's hard enough passing over items i know i must sacrifice for other things (i.e. must sacrifice cauldron, beads, crystals for vitamins, sinus spray, hair conditioner...) but i won't be buying ANnnnnnnnnnnnnnnythingggggggggggggggggg. my parents don't want me anymore. but they never wanted me (did i ever want me? i feel like such a burden). i don't think my parents will want me around more if i spend less money, but i think they'll get off my back and stop making me feel like shit so much. yeah, it's easy to make me crazy. why is it so easy to drive some people up the wall and others it's nearly impossible? |
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| Saturday, May 8th, 2004 |
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WHY AM I so depressed? rrgh. if rose mcgowan is alive, i should be alive so i can watch her on tv. yes. and i have a pic of her with my sandals. uh huh. i rock. i guess i'm having a bad day. maybe i shouldn't have had those oreos? i don't know what to blame for my moods. i'm just really confused. and i should be asleep by now, but everything's creeping me out, so i'm trying my copper sphere. it usually helps with my confidence. i wish i could kill myself and get it over with. |
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| Monday, May 3rd, 2004 |
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the more the biological parents want me to spend less, the more i find things to buy. i'm so obsessed with buying things. buying keeps me sane because i feel like i need a certain Thing and if i get it, a part of me will heal or feel better. not like i'm buying junk, i'm buying necessary... okay.... really, i just need to get myself well enough to get a job so i can at least pay off my credit card bills if not live independently. i know this and think about it almost every day. i'm lucky if i don't think about how guilty i feel about spending the money. i'm grateful for what i have and that my lifestyle continues in an i-am-okay-as-far-as-funds-go way. but i'm not okay because i don't have my own money. today i bought thirty five dollars (more than that, maybe) of stuff for oral care and i just feel guilty. it's like... i need this stuff to be fresh and pleasant and approachable and i can't buy the stuff from the one-dollar bin because it simply doesn't do the job. requirements, requirements! agh! i feel like i should've waited a week, but i cannot wait any longer for my mouthwash, mints, and sinus spray. yeah. hell yeah. um... fuck. i really want a tattoo. would i be able to take the pain? i have such a low pain tolerance lately. not that i'm complaining--i'm probably healthier this way than when i could just go ahead and pierce my ears with a piercing stud. sigh. i can explain myself to myself and it all makes sense and i know i need this and that to survive and thrive and my parents will never, EVER understand! why do i have to depend on them? i just want to be free. the more things i need, the less free i feel because... i need to buy things to get free. for example, i need more flower essences to make me feel better. but i just bought my oral hygeine stuff and i'd already bought the beads and so... this week and next week's money is already used. thus, i have to wait until...the seventeenth of may to buy my flower essences or spirulina (i'll have to make a choice) and i'll only be able to spend $20 (including shipping) AND i won't be able to buy another crystal until the very end of the month. unless i want to skip grocery shopping for a week, this is going to have to be the plan to stick to my budget (yes, i have created a make-shift budget which allows some leniency). anyway.... i am just screwed. but really, i'm just going to have to hang on and complain in livejournal because i'll have nothing to do but THAT until may seventeenth. |
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LiveJournal for faery rose unicorn soul heart.
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